There’s No Way Out of This One! | Do Your Worst Podcast, Ep. 1

There’s No Way Out of This One! | Do Your Worst Podcast, Ep. 1

– All right guys, welcome to
Do Your Worst, episode one. – What? – The worst of all. – [James] It’s the worst of all. – It’s Natalie and Adam, the worst of all. – The worst of all, so, I’m James. – I’m Mallory. – I’m Natalie. – And I’m Adam. – Yes. – And we’re so excited,
because this podcast is about failure, which we know well. – We know intimately well. – [Mallory] We know failure so well. – We’re creatives, we
write comedy, and we write really bad stuff, before
we get the good stuff. – Yeah, I think you
write mostly bad stuff. I think probably anyone
who writes, feels that way. – Yep. – That most of the stuff
that they write is bad. – And we’re going to
read some of that to you. So, finally, our failures
will become our success. – That’s right. – It’ll be seen, heard, it’ll be heard. – It’ll be heard at least. – Pull out all of our turds, and put them in the light of day. – That’s right. That’s the best way to move forward. – That’s right, that’s how
I get up in the morning. – Yeah, we want to encourage
you to do the same. – Being heard outside. – You’ve got to open the drapes. – Well let’s just get right down to it. – [Mallory] With that lovely
imagery, let’s do this thing. – [Narrator] This episode of Do Your Worst is brought to you by Right now is
offering our listeners, $5 to spend on your first purchase. Stick around to see how you
can get your $5 for free. – All right, we have a script
here from Natalie Madsen. – Oh boy. – Now this is called, White Girl Rap. – Oh no. – [Mallory] Here we go, here we go. – Let’s everyone take a copy. Now, Natalie as we’re here distributing, tell us a little history. – Do you guys remember this sketch? – I don’t think I do, so
okay, give us the history. – This was back in the day, when we were in college together, we were in a comedy group
called Divine Comedy. This made it to a show,
people paid actual US dollars to watch this on a stage. So that’s pretty fun. – They didn’t know what
they were paying for. – But, I remember at one point, sometimes when you write, and you just kind of have an idea, you put in like a filler, right? Like name this character later,
or put it in a place later. Or like, some detail that doesn’t matter to the actual content. – [James] Okay. – You put something in. – [James] Yeah. – There’s a moment, I won’t give it away, but there’s a moment in here, when I forgot to replace the filler. And we’ll all know it when we get there. – Okay. – I’m excited by this
initial massive paragraph, at the beginning of a two page script. – Yeah, it’s very massive,
it’s only two pages. But, the first line is maybe half a page. So, that’s how you know it’s quality. – It’ll feel like nine pages. – From the beginning, this
is probably one of the first five sketches I ever
wrote in my entire life. This is pretty early on
in my writing experience. Just to say. – [James] Let’s read it. So one of you casts. – Let’s do it. So, Adam will you read for Mary? – Oh, you give me the, okay. – [Mallory] You get a
monologue right at the top. – And then, Mal, will you read for Sarah. – Yes. – [Natalie] And then, James,
will you ready for Jeremy? – Can do. We’ve got Jeremy behind
the camera by the way. – I think that’s everything. – [Jeremy] What’s up. – Well done Jeremy.
– Jeremy’s here. But, anyway, does everyone
know what they’re reading? – [Group] Yes. – Okay. This is White Girl Rap, exclamation point. By Fat Nat and S. Kelster,
directed by Matt Meese. – Okay cool. – What a dream team. All right, yep here we go. – These are great lists
of what you would like in your future spouse. It’s, wait, these are… I do, does she have lists? – I think, it should be pointed
out, I have zero context of where this is, or what’s going on. – [Mallory] There’s
usually a scene heading. – [Natalie] There should be
a scene heading, there’s not. But, the scene heading is like, – Exterior, moon. – [Natalie] Like a church,
young women’s group. – Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. – And Mary is the leader. – Like Sunday School. – Yes, like a high school for teen girls. – Let’s hear this first
paragraph un-interrupted, so people can appreciate the length. – Yes, it’s very long. – Yeah, okay. – These are great lists
of what you would like in your future spouse. Expect, your list Whitney? – I think it’s supposed to
be except, okay keep going. – You and I need to talk after class. Now sisters, while the young
men are out having fun, we’ll be sewing afghans for homeless dogs. But before we get into that, we have business to attend to. As you know, girls camp is coming up, and while I was pleased
with most of you last year, save it be, Whitney, I
realize that you were grossly unprepared for
what you would face there. So, tonight, I’ve asked
two of our laurels to come and instruct you all in
proper campfire etiquette. Ladies! – Sarah and Natalie walk in, I’ll just say Mallory and Natalie. – Thank you for coming tonight
girls, this is sister– – Yeah, yeah I be Fat Nat,
this is my collaborator. – [Mallory] They call me Ghetto Name. (group laughs) – Natalie and Mallory say together. – [Natalie And Mallory] Sup. (group laughter) – Sorry, you what? I thought sister Smith and sister Johnson were coming to teach us campfire songs. – Ah, nah we got this. – Yeah, this is how we do. – Oh my gosh. – They rap, remix style,
kind of like laurel getting asked to dance. We rap and dance. – This is all it says, it
says go into the following Yo, yo with an actual yo-yo. (laughter) Baby shark, Cinderella,
that’s apparently a dance move Miss Mary Mack, sailor
word to sea, sea, sea. Oh, I think we’re like teaching them like, ♪ A sailor went to ♪ ♪ Sea, sea, sea ♪ ♪ A sailor he goes, sea, sea, sea ♪ – But, I did write it out. Mormon boy, Kentucky Fried
Chicken, and a Pizza Hut. Jeremy enters, he looks confused. – Bishop, I can explain. – Hey guys what are you… Oh, you’re girls. That was unexpected. – (laughs) Why, why? – [James] What exactly are you two doing? – Huh? Uh nothing. – [James] Is your shirt inside out? And, is that a chain? – Yeah, I got dressed in
the dark this morning. And these chains, they’re for my car. (group laughter) – Maybe we should go. – Would you all excuse us for a moment? – Everyone exits. – Sisters, after what I’ve
just seen here tonight, I’d like to call you
both as nursery leaders. – Oh my gosh. – This is obviously
extremely Mormon specific. – Premium. – This is very, very, bad. – I loved that it saw the light of day. – What’d you say? – [Jeremy] I kind of remember that. – Yeah, I kind of do too.
– I remember it. – I remember it as well, all too well. – For my time and a– – Streaming, stream of
consciousness style of writing. – [Natalie] But, this is real bad. This is pretty bad. – [Mallory] It’s so bad that, does it inch into being genius? Potentially. – I’d like to think so, I like to think of myself as a genius. But, I love the part that
was like, oh you’re girls that was unexpected. I don’t know what that’s referring to. – So he walks into a room full of girls. Where the girls normally
meet even probably. – I think, did you guys
see the filler moment? They call me Ghetto Name? – They call me Ghetto Name! – So, I remember, we read it and everyone laughed so hard, they were
like, “you have to keep it!” So we kept it. It’s sexist, it’s definitely tone deaf. – [Mallory] You were like, 19. – I was literally a
teenager, but learning. – The internet was young. iPhones were barely out. – It’s true.
– Shall we say it? Guys shall we say it? Natalie, you have done your worst. – [Natalie] I have done my worst. – No one has any idea
what I was referring to. – Can we just say it? – As if we– – Good job, Natalie, you’re great. – You did good. – Yeah, bad, that was bad. – [James] All right
Adam, it’s your turn now. – The sad thing is, that’s probably not my worst that’s out there. – [Mallory] Oh man. The thing is, that just only gives me joy, to know that there’s more. – Oh yes. – Adam Berg, please give us the
history behind The Painting. – [Narrator] Before we get
to Adam’s terrible script, Mallory, let me you about – [Mallory] Okay. – [Narrator] Do you worry
about buying things online where someone could
steal your information? – [Mallory] Yes, I do. – [Narrator] Well what
if there was a purchasing service that was easy
to use, free, and kept all your information away from vendors? – [Mallory] Uh, what? – [Narrator] That’s right, creates a separate virtual card number, for
each merchant, so even if that merchant is hacked,
they won’t have your financial information to steal. – [Mallory] My financials? – [Narrator] Yeah, your financials, they use military grade
encryption, Mallory. – [Mallory] Military? – [Narrator] Yes. – [Mallory] Little Army guys? – [Narrator] Yes, little
Army guys all over the cards. You can even set limits on purchases, so you know, a vendor can’t
charge you for a random fee, or upgrade a “free trial” with you noticing. – [Mallory] Quote, unquote, free trials. – [Narrator] That has
happened to me many a time. – [Mallory] No cost to me? Zero cost to me? – [Narrator] It is zero cost. – [Mallory] That’s pretty banging. – [Narrator] On top of
that, you can get $5 to spend anywhere on
anything, just for signing up. – [Mallory] Five bucks, of my very own? – [Narrator] Of your very own, you wanna know how to get it? – [Mallory] Yes, I do. – [Narrator] You just go
to and get that free money,
and piece of mind, anytime you purchase anything. – [Mallory] Love it. – [Narrator] Let’s go
back to Adam’s failure. – I remember very little
about writing this. I think I just had an image in my brain, that was like, this one
still frame photo picture, in my brain. It’s funny, so I’m
gonna try to stretch out that concept to, however long. – A page. – [Mallory] That’s
impressive, the font’s small. – Yeah, so it’s really not
even like a full sketch it’s, oh wait no, there’s a backside. Just over two pages. – Wow. – Just over two pages. – Wait a minute, you go two
and a little chunk pages, out of a painting? So it’s like out of a picture. – I’m impressed. – All right, all right. – Adam, is a very good writer so his worst is gonna be about 10 times
better than my worst. – Don’t preface this with, Adam’s good. – Okay, let’s read it. – Okay, let me see, so Mallory– – Being bad though, I really believe this, being bad is part of being good. You know what I mean? – [Natalie] Yeah. – Like if you weren’t bad sometimes, then you’ll never get good,
you’ll never be nothing. – Amen. – So Mallory, be Mallory. – [Mallory] Okay. – [Adam] Natalie, be Whitney. – [Natalie] Okay. – I’ll be Jason, because
it’s just the three of us. – I think so, I can do stage direction. – Great. – Oh, okay yeah. – Let’s do this. – The Painting by Adam Berg. – Interior, house, daytime. Set it arranged with
stacks of moving boxes. Mallory and Jason are unpacking. Whitney knocks on the door. Jason answers. – Whitney? – [Mallory] Whitney? – Whitney! – Excited the girls hug. – What are you doing here? – Well, I know the past week
has been crazy for you two, finding a new job, moving
across the country, figuring out that extra weight is a baby, and getting attacked by a cow. I just thought that you
could use a piece of home. – [Mallory] That’s so sweet, but how did you afford the trip? – I spent all my money,
but it was worth it, because I brought you
a housewarming present. Let me get it. – You didn’t have to do that. – Just when I thought we were rid of her. – [James] Mal elbows
Jason, Whitney retrieves a giant canvas, bigger
than she is, if possible. The painting is facing
away from the audience. – Close your eyes. – Whitney turns the canvas
around, revealing a giant painting of herself, in angelic form. – Okay, open them. – Mallory and Jason jump back in shock as they see the painting. – It’s so, so… – Great? – Uh, yes, great. – Trying to be diplomatic. – [Adam] Great. – Surprised by Mal’s
response by double-checking to see if she meant to say great. – Great – Cuing Jason to follow along. – Great. – [James] Defeated, like an oh great, now I have to deal with this. – Great! – A little over-explaining. – Great! Let’s hang it up. – We can’t, we don’t
have nails or a hammer. – I brought my own! – Whitney, pulls out a hammer and nail. – But, we don’t know where
we would even put it. – Right over here, that way people see it when they walk in. – Yes, but kids, we don’t
want them to dirty it. They like to lick things. – It’s okay, I treated the painting, so you can wash it with a damp rag. This baby’s going to out live us all. – What Mallory is forgetting to tell you, is that we were gonna
hang a picture there. From my grandma who’s now– – [Mallory] In prison! – [Adam] Yes, prison, so
that’s not gonna work. – How about we look around the house for somewhere else to put it? How about the nursery? It can watch over your
future baby as she sleeps. – I’m sure that wouldn’t
cause any childhood trauma. – To Jason. – We need to take care of this. – Mallory pulls Whitney off stage. – Take care of what? – Jason struggles to come up with a plan, hesitating to come up with a series of. – [group] Hmm, uh, hmm, uh. – He runs over to a moving
box and starts digging around, he pulls out a pair of scissors. – [Adam] Perfect. Jason approaches the painting, raises the scissors to stab it. Right as Whitney and Mallory walk back in. – Jason! What are you doing?! – I’m uh, well there’s really
no way out of this one. (group laughing) – I think that might be
my least favorite line, I ever wrote. – There’s really no way out of this. I guess we’re where we are. – I’m sorry Whitney, we just can’t hang a giant painting of you
in our house, it’s creepy. – Don’t you see? It’s not a painting of me,
it’s a painting of you! – I don’t see that. – Five years ago when I was
putting on my one-woman show, Pixie Cuts, the musical. In the last scene I died,
get hair extensions, and become an angel. My best friend Mallory, came
to pick me up at the same time, Jason the janitor was kicking me out. That’s when you two met, this painting represents that moment. – I still don’t see it. – That is the most beautiful
thing I’ve ever heard. Let’s go get it framed. – Great. (group laughing) (applause) – That’s the end. – This is amazing.
– He’s like, okay. – You know, there are enough
moments, where I’m like, I get, there’s a funny
thing happening here though. – There’s a couple funny jokes. – I feel like, I would
love it if, I think, now that we’ve read
it, I think I remember. I think it’d be funny
if you gave a friend, a painting of yourself.
– A terrible thing. – Yes, the concept is great. – The concept is very good. – The script is also, not great. – Not great. – [Mallory] No, but there’s
a lot of greats in it. – What do you do with it? Like, part of the script is like, where are we gonna hang it up? Which is probably one of
the most boring questions we could ask. – Should we look around our house, and look for another place to hang this painting I don’t want? – Wall space in a house
we just moved into, like. Oh, goodness. – I loved that moment though. The moment where he says, – [Group] There’s no way out of this one. – There’s no way out of this one. – It feels like an I Love Lucy thing. Like, Lucy. – We’re gonna end the podcast
with our favorite line, and that was it. – We didn’t say to Adam, you… – [Group] Did your worst. – All right guys, that
was amazing, and join us next week, because we will be joining, me and Mal will be with Matt and Whitney. – Keep it, keep going. – We’re gonna do another one. – You’re doing your worst, right now. – This is me doing my worst. – [Natalie] You’re DJ
Khalid, and another one. – [James] And another one. – And another one. – Please if you have any interest in your scripts being read on the
podcast, please email us, at [email protected] – Yes, send in your worst stuff. Or send in what you
think is your best stuff. – If there’s anything you want
us, as JK Studios to read. – We would love to read it, we’re gonna read all of our bad stuff. So, join us in celebrating failure, because it’s part of success baby. – Woo! – All right. Woo, dancing time. – Dances, dances, all the
dance you hear on the podcast. – There’s music in the
background right now. – [James] Fading out, fading out. – [Jeremy] Do your worst! – That’s what I want it to be. – Can we record Jeremy’s voice?

100 thoughts on “There’s No Way Out of This One! | Do Your Worst Podcast, Ep. 1

  1. Haha as a writer I totally relate!! Also, I don't know if I'm just late or what, but Adam is rrockin' the haircut! (edit) I just felt the need to say that Mallory has the purest laugh I've ever heard besides 2am church kid wheezing at summer camps

  2. Don't feel bad about " mormon specific" themes. There may be people who would be confused about the situations or punchlines you place. But it also shows a side about us that those people would never see.

  3. I laughed a lot during this … but now I'm sad. I'm sad I can't know you guys irl. i'm sad it's over. I'm sad about a lot of other things. But you guys make me laugh, so thank you.

  4. I think instead of an angelic whitney picture, it should be a HUGE canvas print of that picture of whitney with a tiny cowboy hat thats on the shelf behind Adam in the video 🙂

  5. OMIGOSH, you need to do a Yanny or Laurel sketch, and…well, idk maybe it started out as the normal debate, and then maybe some people started hearing some really weird things…..

  6. “Being bad is part of being good.”
    Mallory Everton 2019

    Words to live by if you’re learning something new, or just for life.

  7. This is amazing. I may submit something here! By the way, I recognized those Narnia paperbacks in the background! My childhood!

  8. My daughters, both of them, complain how the Scouts have so much more fun than they have with Young Women's and Activity Days. I sure hope the new directive makes it fun for both groups.

  9. Is this on apple podcasts?

    I really don’t mind if it’s not I can just watch it on YouTube cuz I just want to know before I spend 30mins looking for it

  10. Taking a break from working on a video for a girls youth church thing, to watch a video with a sketch about a girls youth church thing 😂😅

  11. love seeing that Jesus statue on the book shelf…. you guys rock! im used to listening to podcast with hour, 2 hour episodes so i was left with wanting more, it would be cool if yall talked about the topic of failer leading to success a bit more.. but its all good, im a big fan of pod cast and im a fan of all yall so i enjoyed this very moooch, smooooches !

  12. You guys should make a series where you actually act out your failed sketches. Like with props and costumes. Like if you agree!!

  13. I love this idea! So humble of you guys to share, and it's so exciting as a fan to see these moments!! Cant wait for more!

  14. Does anyone else miss Shoulder Angel? Click here to watch what was probably Matt Meese's first Shoulder Angel sketch in Divine Comedy!

  15. Adam's scene made me think of Big Bang Theory. Amy gives Penny a painting (large) of herself and Penny. An episode long struggle ensues.

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