The Mastin Kipp Podcast – The Reason Why You Feel Like A Fraud

The Mastin Kipp Podcast – The Reason Why You Feel Like A Fraud

I wanna talk a little bit about this. Imposter syndrome. So we have a couple mental
health professionals on our team, and we were discussing
this workshop series, and they both said today or yesterday, you know, Mastin, a lot of
people in the Facebook group are talking about Imposter syndrome, either directly or indirectly. Does anyone relate to this term? Let me see by show of hands. Of course they can. She said, can I tell you what it is? Yes. So, we’re gonna talk about
it literally right now. Next slide. People with Imposter syndrome
have trouble accepting praise and internalizing their success, and they view their success as due to luck or external factors. Not because of their own skills. Is that good? Okay. Yeah, okay yeah. Yeah, so usually when
I bring up a concept, I’ll define it, typically. So we’re all on the same page. And so I want to talk about this, because this shit shows
up in career transition. Oh! It shows up big time, okay? Career transition and/or
starting your business is the same type of idea. And so basically, with Imposter syndrome, we anticipate rejection and/or isolation in all future relationships. Which means that no
matter what you do now, in the future, you’re going
to be abandoned or rejected because of your history. And that’s informed on
by your attachment style to your primary attachment figure. So here’s what happens: Oh my God, I’m not gonna be good enough, this is gonna be too complicated, it’s not gonna work, I’m
not gonna pull it off, I need to start another
certification, whatever, and I stress out, why? Because I’m anticipating rejection unless I have this impossible
goal: being perfect. If I’m perfect, then I won’t get rejected, which is based on our history. And so Imposter syndrome, we view it from our perspective as an opportunity to heal attachment patterns. So if you’re like, I feel like a fraud, code for time to heal. And what’s interesting
is, there’s a high degree of correlation between Imposter syndrome and people who have a traumatic history and/or marginalization in their history. And that’s a lot of our crowd, right? So if you have a traumatic history, or if you’re a minority, and you’re around a bunch
of privileged people, you’re gonna have a systemic
Imposter syndrome, typically. Now not everyone has that, but if you look at the studies, it’s way higher in marginalized groups, in women, and in people who
have traumatic histories than anybody else,
because those are people who tend to get, what? Rejected or avoided, and
not get their needs met. Who follows? This makes sense? What? And traumatized, that’s right. And so that’s why it’s so high, but it’s also super high in achievers who have those histories. Does that resonate with
anybody in the room? All of us, for the most part. So there’s this fancy slide, this is called the Imposter cycle. Don’t write it down, okay? And here’s what happens. So there’s this anxiety and worry over some type of
achievement-related task. I’m gonna sign up for this course, I’m gonna go do a Facebook live, I’m gonna start a business, I’m gonna transition a career, and all of a sudden there’s anxiety, ahhh! And worry and self-doubt. I can’t do it, I’m not gonna be enough, they’re gonna discover
me, I’m gonna be a fraud, and usually one of two things happens. There’s either over-preparation, where you’re like, I’m gonna do this shit and I’m gonna figure all this shit out ’cause I’m gonna get it perfect, right? Which is good for maybe grades, right? Or there’s my take, I do the
other side, procrastination. Nah, I’ll do it the last
week of the semester. Anyone do college like that? I never understood the
over-prepared people. Like why are you doing all
this work so far in advance? You only need like the
last two weeks of November to do it, right? At the end of the semester. That was what my plan
was, just like, whatever. Until, (imitates explosion). Right? That’s how I did college. I was getting A’s in college. By the way, I dropped out of college because I got my dream job,
not because I flunked out. But I was always the procrastinator, and also, I tend to be
more responsive anyway because I’m not wired for
executive function skills automatically, I’m more
wired for reactivity. But in a sense, you see these two things, either being over-prepared, like 99… Think about it for your business, right? I’m 99% ready. I need one more study, I
need one more certification, I need one more piece of information, to know that this time
I’m gonna get it perfect. And you wonder why you have anxiety. Or, I’ll do the next one. And here’s what happens: if there’s an accomplishment because of procrastination
or over-preparation, there is temporarily a feeling of relief. They’re like, I did it! However, if there’s over-preparation, they don’t say because I have a skill. They say well, ’cause I worked so hard, it’s more about some external thing. If there’s procrastination, it was luck. It just kinda came together. And what happens is, there
is positive feedback, but they discount the positive feedback. Because they say oh, I just worked hard. It’s not me, I just worked
hard, or it was luck. Some version of that. And then what happens is, that’s when they’re perceived
as a fraud by themselves, meaning they’re not perfect. They can’t get the approval, they up. Because there’s always the
next level they can’t get to. Because there’s an impossible standard based on their attachment style they think they have to get to in order to get the approval and love. And then, they go to the next task, and around and around
and around we go, right? And so, I wanted to
share this with you guys because this is usually
something I would teach inside a program, but
because so many people were talking about this,
overtly or intentionally, I wanted to help you understand. There’s no amount of over-preparation that will prepare you for
the entrepreneurial journey. You guys just jump. (laughs) And you’re gonna it up, and it’s not gonna be perfect, and here’s the thing, is
that the coaching program and what we do is, we’re
gonna help you learn how to self-regulate and create
those secure attachments, because we’re gonna also model that. That’s what we’re all about, okay? So you may not get that
with your peer group, or your family of origin, but that’s what this
whole group is all about. And it’s what we’re about,
it’s what our program is about, it’s what our team is
about, it’s what I’m about. There’s no metric that,
when you get to this place, you’re enough. It’s like, you leaped, holy shit! That’s enough. And also, for the people
who are procrastinators, you want to know when most
people sign up for a course? Last day. I want to know who these people are. Like who are the people at 11:55, they got their credit card out, and they’re like, (grunting) Okay, go! You know, like who are those people? I wish I could film it all, you know? And so the goal here
is, is that in business, you gotta get beyond this to realize that when we have a secure attachment, Imposter syndrome and a secure
attachment can’t coexist. You can fluctuate between the two, but the idea is, is that
with a secure attachment you’re gonna mess it up, but
you can come back on track, like we talked about in the last workshop. Who follows? Does this make sense? Is this helpful guys, by the way? Okay cool, and by the way, you’ll get this in the slides, okay? Now, some things that
trigger Imposter syndrome. So excited for this one. Okay, any time you learn a new skill. Any time. Anybody learning a new skill? Okay, probably getting triggered. Okay. Increasingly complex tasks. When you do harder shit, you’re like, aw, I can’t do it. I’m not enough. I gotta do it perfectly the first time! Versus, alright, let’s go
fuck this one up a bunch ’til we get it right, which
is basically my approach. Also, when you have decreased contact with peer or family support networks. And what starts to happen is you become, and especially in an
entrepreneurial skill set, it’s harder to identify with people that you’re used to identifying with. They’re not bad people. They just don’t know how, necessarily, to relate to you in this new effort unless you train them to encourage you whether or not they agree with you, right? It’s hard. (laughs) That would be a whole other course, right? But the idea is, is that, it’s sort of lonely as an entrepreneur, and one of the things
that’s hard to talk about is there are a lot of
mental health correlations, decrease in mental health
associated with entrepreneurship, because it’s so isolating. But it’s another reason why
we do it socially in cohorts, is because we want to decrease
isolation at all costs. Who follows? This makes sense? And so we know that you’re
gonna have a decreased contact probably with certain peer
groups or family groups, as you build your business, which is why we built this group so that you can have an attachment. And it’s not us versus them, because what’s gonna happen usually is people come to us for business advice, they work out their attachment shit, and their family dynamics
and relationships change, and they’re like, holy
shit I didn’t realize that. But how you do one thing
is how you do everything. Who follows? And so what happens is, they
come in all disorganized, anxious, and avoidant, but they
come out relatively secure. And then that sometimes, a lot of times, impacts the rest of their
family ecosystem too. So it’s almost like,
you have a healthy cell, and there’s this kind
of cancerous dynamic, and then one kind of
comes over, gets healthy, and brings it back, and then
everything gets healthy, usually over time. Who follows? And so you gotta kind of
disconnect from the pattern to reconnect to it, which is so difficult. Also, being surrounded
by people ahead of you. When you’re surrounded by people who are better skilled than you are, oh my God, I could never do
that, they’re so amazing. Right? Versus, holy shit, I’m gonna
learn from that person. I could never do intervention
the way Tony Robbins does. Never could. But you better believe I
watched him do intervention for hours and hours. I would go to his seminars
just to watch interventions. And I would watch the
audience, and take it all in, and okay, what’s he doing there? And I’d figure it out,
I’d get his programs, and I’d reverse engineer how he did shit. Bless you. And then I would just go do it, tell people I don’t really
know what I’m doing, is that okay? And they said, okay. And over time, with practice, I started making my own distinctions. And I haven’t taken in any of his work in probably six or seven years, because I’m trying to
have original thought. But there’s a lot of
original seeds of what I do based on that work, and
when you’re around someone who is way better at
something than you are, and you have any type
of Imposter syndrome, oh my God. You’re gonna miss the opportunity to learn because you’re too busy
comparing yourself. Who follows? Versus like, I’m in
the presence of someone who’s a badass, I’ma learn. Because Tony is very obvious
in when he says this, success leaves clues! Right? When you’re in the presence
of someone who’s a badass, study them. Study them. Don’t be intimidated by
them, just study them. ‘Cause they just have a skill set, okay? And attachment-focused activity. I’m sorry, achievement. (laughs) Achievement-focused activities. Meaning, anything where you
have to achieve some shit, chances are Imposter
syndrome’s gonna come up because all of these things
get down to approval. Big breath right there. So think about this. As you’re starting to build
your entrepreneurial skill set, if Imposter syndrome’s showing up, you can celebrate and say, oh my God, I really just want some love right now, and I think that I have
to be perfect to get it. Wow. Guys, I’m having a hard time. In which case, you can get your needs met through self disclosure in a safe group, and start to realize
that, if this is coming up it’s an opportunity to heal. It’s not a reason not to move forward. Because you’re always… If you have Imposter syndrome, do the shit that makes you
gonna feel like a fraud. If you’re gonna feel like
a fraud, do that shit. Because I have a name for my fraud. I call him Rod. (audience laughs) Rod the fraud. And he’s in there, he’s
like, are you sure? These people are gonna find
out who you really are. Right? And what’s interesting about that is when you look at Imposter syndrome, there’s also this fraud thing. People who are actually
frauds don’t have that, okay? Because they’re sociopaths, okay? So they don’t have that. They’re like, I don’t care, it’s fine. I’m justifying it because of this, right? So people who have this worry
about being a fraud thing, you also have integrity. Meaning you want to
take good care of people and you’re worried that maybe you can’t. Because in the past, someone
didn’t meet your needs. Who follows? But that’s not the case, okay? So I want to be very clear about that. So is that helpful? Okay, cool. I wasn’t in the original slides, but I added them as a response to what we were seeing
in the Facebook group. (upbeat music)

8 thoughts on “The Mastin Kipp Podcast – The Reason Why You Feel Like A Fraud

  1. @mastin You're amazing! I mean you literally explained what happens each time with this fear of being "visible" and I relate to the cause. Thank you Mastin, I've been following you since 5 years now and you always bring amazing insights! I hope I could make it to one of your workshop one day to tell you this lively!<3

  2. It has a name! Imposter syndrome… I have never been able to describe how I feel when I am freaking out about a new adventure that I want to take in my life. I am so glad that I bumped into you. Thank you for your work.

  3. this guys full of shit. Just because you publish other people's ideas and concepts doesn't make you legit. You arrogance and fast talkin' bulldozer delivery speaks for itself….self help service is compassionate- not desperate to be right and TELLING PEOPLE what they should or should not feel or do. You're full of egoic shit….

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