The Leia Podcast (Episode 5)


Leia: Hello! And welcome to Leia’s Podcast number five. Well, after some usual technical difficulties in which we want to throw our equipment around, even though it’s very nice equipment
everything’s up and running, so. Woo hoo! (Sound of one person clapping)
L: Oh yes, (clapping) absolutely, absolutely. Yay, technology. You can just kiss my big ole patoot. Alright, so I think maybe it’s bad luck to tell my technology to kiss my patoot ’cause then it’ll just uh– Ben: It’s gonna give you the big finger. L: It’s gonna give me the big technological Terminator machine finger. L: Oh, different universe. Ooh! Anyway. And once again, we are giving our shoutouts at the end of the podcast So if you really hate listening to me talk you can just skip ahead and get to the shoutouts. Or otherwise enjoy listening and I will shout at you soon. So today on the podcast, two of our most popular guests are back to discuss a little somethin’ somethin’. And whatever else the hell I feel like talking about I have my son, the dark thundercloud that he is.
Uh, Ben/Kylo Ren Organa Solo.
B: Hi. L: I feel like I should be applauding and going like woo! Woo yeah!
B: Um, thanks? L: You’re welcome.
L: And my other guest is the wee petite, can throw a bowling ball like no one else’s business, just not where it’s supposed to go L: Uh, miss delightful little Rey.
L: Woo! (clapping)
B: Yay! (clapping) Rey: How do you know about the bowling? I never did that.
B: I have a bad feeling about this.
L: Bah dah bah bah dah bah. L: Alright, don’t act like you haven’t watched the latest video. You know we all spied on you.
B: Fine we know.
R: I am so embarrassed. R: Finn is going to get my staff rammed up his–
B: Um, these days he might appreciate that.
L: Hey, that was gonna be my line! B: Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
No, never mind. You got there first fair and square. R: And a tracking bracelet? That psycho little– B: And so unimaginative, it was in the last movie. R; Right, he just like hid it in a cuff.
R: Here ya go! (giggles)
B: She’ll never figure this out, although…you didn’t. R: I never figured it out. Ugh. R: Well, I wasn’t being suspicious. I was just like, that’s cute.
R: I’m surprised I didn’t just leave it in my drawer and never wear it.
B: Yeah.
R: But I’m kind. I’m that kind of person.
R: I’m like, he made this for me. I have to wear it. B: I thought he just bought it. I didn’t think he made it for you.
R: Well, he had to put the tracker in it, so he had to make something. B: He had to weld something to something.
B: Well, we never did actually see it so– R: It’s really big and lumpy, and I was just like, oh!
R: As certain people would say, well bless his heart! B: So it was really ugly? R: Yes, it was ugly. R: And I wore it out of being his friend. R: Not realizing that he was stalking me with it.
B: Yeah, see where that gets you?
R: I know. I’m not going to be nice anymore. L: Okay, let’s not get too much advice from Mr. Doom and Gloom over there.
B: What?
L: Sometimes being nice is a good thing. L: I think you know where Finn stands with things now, so just don’t trust him, but that doesn’t mean everyone is like that. L: And yes, we all spied on you, but come on. Could you really imagine us not doing that?
L: I mean if we weren’t there, nobody would’ve seen it.
B: Like a tree falling in the woods.
L: Would that date ever really have existed?
R: So um yeah. Um, we never did figure out how to bowl. B: No, and something tells me that the bowling bit isn’t what the listeners want to hear about.
R: Well, that’s what they’re going to hear about, for right now anyway.
R: I am talking about bowling balls, not Ben balls.
B: Oh god, yes please don’t.
R: Well, you’re the one who brought up that they didn’t want to hear about bowling. B: I know, but that doesn’t mean you have to not talk about– (loud slurping noises) B: Jesus!
L: That’s gonna give me more gas, I just swallowed a lot of bubbles.
L: So what did you think about Poe’s smooth abilities to uh L: keep people from realizing that he’d already seen you out on a date? B: Well, I think that’s uh, kind of right about what I expected him to be like. R: I was gonna say, that’s very typical of Poe.
B: If he farted he’d be the one to go, “I didn’t fart!” R: Whoa! Somebody totally farted!
R: (laughs) That’s my Poe imitation. B: You sounded just like him. L: No, she didn’t. L: She sounded like a surfer guy. L: Do we surf in Star Wars? I don’t know. B: I’m sure, but they call it something else. L: Skwerfing. Oh that sounds like some nasty sexual act. B: Scorfing? L: Skwerfing. B: I’m sure there’s some Urban Dictionary entry.
R: Yeah, if anyone would like to in the comments below give their ideas of what “skwerfing” would be, feel free!
B: I thought it was “scorfing”. R: No, she’s saying “skwerfing”.
B: Skwerfing? That’s even worse.
L: I know! That’s why I said it. L: So, second date. Hurray.
B: There’s just so much enthusiasm coming out of you today.
L: What? I’m happy, yet concerned.
R: What? What’s so concerning about it anyway?
R: Just because he’s the supreme leader of the evil organization that’s trying to take over the world and kill us?
L: Yes, pretty much that. Yeah. Mmm hmm. B: We totally separate work from…not work. L: Uh, great. So when you’re separated you might blow her to smithereens. B: She might blow me to smithereens. That’s the chance we’re willing to take. L: For what?! You’re both so stupid, which brings me to my next point.
L: Please tell me you wore protection. B: See, Phasma said something about wear protection, but I thought she meant like a helmet or something. R: Um, Ben. B: What? R: It was that rubber thing. R: You know, I put on your, you know– B: Oh. Right. You just put it on, you didn’t say what it was, so I just thought it was something like a kink of yours. R: No! Let me wrap it up in cellophane. It’s like a hotdog you can…make for later. B: So, what? Did Poe tell you how to u– B: Did he slip that into your pocket and say, hey you might want to use that someday? R: Oh, he didn’t slip that in my pocket. He came by with a whole handful of them R: and said these are what Phasma was talking about. Here’s a space banana and this is how you put them on. R: And my face was bright red and I was horrified. R: and I said, “Shut up!” and grabbed them all and ran away.
B: A space banana?
R: I don’t know! (laughing) B: I see a banana floating around. L: Is it wearing a helmet on one end, because it’s in space? Kinda looks like the balls, you know? B: (coughing) Pardon me.
L: Are you okay, son?
B: Oh, I’m just great. It’s fabulous having this conversation with my mother in the room. L: Well, you’re on my friggin’, effin’ podcast, so yeah, I’m gonna be in the room. B: Yes, yes, I know. That’s what I signed up for, I don’t know why.
L: Well, you’re a glutton for punishment. This is part of your penance probably. B: Well, any opportunity to be in the same room with Rey is an opportunity I’ll jump at. L: I’m going to ignore the fact that it has nothing to do with doing something with or for your mother. (Leia belches loudly) B: I felt bad until you belched. L: Eh, well. (laughs) See what’s good about this, I keep having to remind myself it’s not live. It can be edited. B: Yeah, this is not a live chat. We can suck and I can stitch it together and make it workable. L: Oh, ho, ho. Once again, kiss my patoot. L: You can just be like a complete bag of d**ks and just suck all night long, but I’ll somehow make it humorous. Don’t worry. B: (laughing) A bag of d–. B: That’s how I would describe my mom, yeah. A bag of d**ks. R: Ooh. With boots on? B: (laughing) They’re all wearing boots. R: Oh, all of them? I was seeing a giant trash bag with a pair of her boots on. B: Oh, well that would make more sense, I guess. B: You wouldn’t need so many…pairs? B: Well, I guess each d**k would only be wearing one boot. B: And hopping along. L: What the f**k are we talking about?! B: Well, wasn’t it you who asked, “What is this? The fart and d**k joke channel?” L: Uh, yeah. So, uh L: Well, while we were having technical difficulties, I had a microphone that was resting on my lap, basically. L: And every minute and a half I was just farting like crazy. I don’t know what it was I ate today. L: But, boy howdy. I could not stop farting and the microphone was picking it all up. B: Yes, yes it was. And now you’re all out of farts, like I said. B: The listeners are going to be so disappointed. L: Oh, they’re gonna be crushed. They’re like, “No! Oh, how am I going to get off tonight now?” B: It used to be the gold bikini and now it’s the farting. L: Oh. Oh, that makes me very sad. L: Oh, age is a real bitch, you know what I mean? B: Not yet, but I’m sure that I will. If Rey doesn’t blow me up first. R: Oh, like I’m the only one who could kill you, probably actually, now that I think about it. R: If Finn ends up killing you I’m going to be very upset. B: He won’t kill me. R: And if you end up killing Finn, I’m going to be very upset. B: I’m going to do my best not to kill him, even if I really really want to. R: Well, you were kind of doing your best to kill all of us at the end R: You did want to blow that piece of…what did you call it? B: Whatever, you know the stupid PG13 blow that piece of junk out of the sky, when really I wanted to say was– R: Blow that piece of s**t out of the sky!
B: I was still feeling a little bitter. R: I was in that piece of s**t, thank you very much. R: And so was Chewie. You should have no grudge against Chewie. R: Chewie never did anything wrong to you. B: Except shoot me with his bowcaster. R: Can you blame him? You just killed his best friend! B: I know. I know. R: He shot you in the side, not in the middle of your face. B: Yeah, I know. It would’ve been better if he shot me in the middle of my face. R: Ben! You go from one minute I want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you around and smack you in the face R: to then like, oh! Would you stop being so– B: Yeah, I know. It’s the magic that is me. One minute you want to kill me, the next console me. R: Oh, my god. I’m gonna go insane. L: Well, I did always have hope, hope, hope for you, but at least in the last movie I seem to have given up on it. B: Yeah, thenks Ma. L: Well, you know I held out for quite a long time. L: I was still holding on even after I knew you killed your father. L: I was still kind of holding on even after as far as I knew it could’ve been you who blew me out into space. L: At some point you have to stop fooling yourself. B: Well, you see in the movies you have to give up before I actually come back. B: You’ve gotta be blown away and surprised when I do. L: Literally blown away. B: I didn’t do it! L: Well, I realize that. After I watched the movie. (laughter) L: And I’m like, oh how nice. It wasn’t him that sent me into space. B: No just the guys that were (Leia burps) following my…lead. L: Yes, doing what they figured you wanted them to. B: And they thought, oh there must be something wrong with his gun. L: Oh, his gun is jammed on his tricked out Hux special. L: He made it just for you!
L: Actually, I think the story is he made it as a prototype and no one but you could fly it L: because it was so sensitive and complicated and yada yada. B: ‘Cause I’m like such a bad ass pilot. R: You are a bad ass. And you’ve got the force so you know it helps. B: When I turn B: and I get to like B: I just, I do wanna fly the Falcon. B: and fly it for the good guys (laughs) B: I sound like such a p***y. L: Oh totally, but hey it warms your mother’s heart. B: This is a real problem see, because the minute I say I’m going to turn and I start saying I’m going to be a good guy, I like lose half my sex appeal. B: And it’s sad but it’s true. L: Yeah, what is wrong with us all? L: The fact that there’s so many people who are still like, ooh Kylo Ren, Kylo Ren after how many people you’ve slaughtered B: Yeah, I know. L: But they’re like, whatever. I mean, that’s how your character was introduced in the first movie! L: You just had a whole village of innocents who were crying and screaming gunned down! L: And then they’re all like, heartthrob, he’s got his shirt off! L: Did you lose your giant stack of ashes that you kept in your interrogation chamber? B: Lose it? Where would it have gone? L: Well, I wasn’t sure if it was on the space…or you know L: Star Killer, but you know that was on the uh L: the space ship, right? The uh L: the Finalizer, the Finalizer, that’s it. B: Yes, mother. L: What?! B: (Laughing) You, you’re start…no, nah. Everything’s great. You’re great. L: Yeah, shut up! Don’t belittle my intelligence. L: I just kinda upchuckled. (slaps chest) B: Are you okay? Do we need to call, like uh, emergency services? L: Are you gonna give me one of those little necklaces to wear with the button with the alert for when you fall down and (laughs) L: or if you get stuck on the toilet and can’t get up again? B: Ask Finn to make you one. L: (chuckling) He’s so good at putting little devices in jewelry. L: Hee hee hee hee. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, that misguided child. L: You know it actually did come from a non-creepy place. L: He’s just always constantly worried L: I mean you saw him in the first movie. L: Where’s Rey? I gotta get Rey. Oh no, Rey’s in danger. Oh, I’ve gotta find her. I’ve gotta rescue her. L: He’s still stuck in that mode. B: Yeah, that’s true but– R: Well, he’d better unstick himself. R: Or I’m going to stick something in him. R: And not in a pleasurable way! R: It’s gonna be like a knife in his ribcage or something! B: That’s harsh. And that’s coming from me. L: I was gonna say! Stop taking all my lines, dammit! L: You really are your– B: I’m really your son? L: I was gonna say your mother’s daughter. L: No, your mother’s son. That’s what I was trying to say. B: I know you really wanted a girl, Mom and I’m such a disappointment. L: Oh don’t give me that horses**t! I was completely happy to have a boy. L: And you let your hair be long so I could brush it and make it pretty. B: Yeah. Pretty. R: (giggles) Well you are kind of pretty in a non-traditional sort of way. R: You’ve got those, those. You know, your eyes are very pretty R: and you have those really nice cheekbones and those big– R: Who was it who said it? Plump sumptuous lips? B: Oh god. You know he’s really gonna want to kill you now. R: Oh like he didn’t already really want to kill me. R: Is he still going to be helping you with your dates and whatnot? B: He has no choice. R: And he’s too scared of you to try to subtly sabotage things. B: Yeah, no he wouldn’t dare do that B: he’s just you know trying to plot my death B: Well, first he’s plotting to overthrow me B: and then he’s gonna slowly torture me to death over years if he can make it last that long. R: You think he’d risk that, that you wouldn’t escape and then torture him for years? B: Uh, you know with how he plots and plans ahead. He would make sure that wouldn’t happen. R: Yes, he’s there with his fingers together going, “Oh, it’ll be so worth it!” R: “When I finally take him down, all my suffering will be worth it!” R: Leia? L: Um, yeah. No, I’m awake! L: I’m full of pep and vigor and I should’ve had a cup of caff. B: It’s okay, Ma. You can sleep. We’ve got this. L: Oh shut up! This is my podcast. This isn’t a live phone call to be aired for everybody. B: Yeah, Ma. You can leave the room. You can just– L: Oh, why don’t you leave the room, smart ass! L: So Rey. Because I’m sure all the inquiring minds want to know L: Go ahead, give us all the lurid details. Was he bad at it? L: Uh, did he only last like thirty seconds? L: See what I would’ve thought is you could use the force to get it up again really quick. B: You can make it so that it doesn’t even..go down in the first place. I can’t believe I’m talking like this to you. L: Oh to me. Yes, don’t talk to me about wieners. I’ve never heard about them before. (Ben sighs) L: Okay, so they make these devices that you can wrap around the wiener that delays getting off L: But they say it actually can be a little dangerous if people, uh L: You don’t always wanna do that L: I kinda think it could be pretty dangerous using it with the force too L: How good is your control when you’re in that situation? L: I mean I think you’re a little distracted. B: You know, I’m pretty good at using the force in case you didn’t know. L: Oh no, no. I never, I never knew you were good at the force. I never told you you were good at the force. I was never supportive or anything like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. B: So? L: But you never used it when you were having sex before! You can be good at the force but still be a little like you know– B: Rey, can you… B: back me up a little! ‘Cause she’s not gonna believe me! L: I’m not saying that I think you were bad, I’m just saying you know L: I wouldn’t blame you if you were a little you know flustered during your first act of intimacy. L: Oh, was your dad there giving you pointers, since he seemed to enjoy bothering the hell out of you all the time? B: Uh, no. Dad was unnervingly quiet. L: I hope that means he was off in ghost heaven having a drink. B: Oh, I heard from him later. B: When I got back, he wouldn’t shut up all night. B: And you know what my favorite part was– L: Oh, I was gonna say. Was it like watching the sports channel after a game? B: Pretty much. And he wasn’t alone. L: Oh don’t tell me Luke was there too! B: Yeah. Yeah he– R: (gasping) No! No, that creepy old man! B: Okay, wait a minute. Why was it okay for my dad to be there? R: Because everyone knows your dad’s a creepy old man already! R: Luke wasn’t supposed to be that way! Ew, I feel icky! B: You know he liked you. R: Whatever! He was supposed to be like a father figure! B: And you know my dad liked you too. R: And he was supposed to be a father figure too! B: You have got to stop making these guys your father figures! L: I thought you were gonna end up saying it like her.
L: You have got to stop having these guys be your father “figgurs”. B: I do not mock her beautiful accent. L: You wouldn’t be mocking her, you’d just– L: You know how it is when couples start sounding like each other? L: Just wait, that’s gonna happen to you guys. B: That would be adorable. L: I never want to hear the word “adorable” out of your mouth again. L: Feel your balls, remember they’re there! B: Oh! B: I don’t ever want to hear you say something like that to me again. L: Fine! We have a deal? B: Fine. L: As soon as you say “adorable” I remind you to feel your balls! B: Fine! Fff…stop saying that! And I owe you an “adorable”. L: So Rey, how was your end of things? R: Um, I really don’t feel it’s appropriate to shag and tell. R: But I have absolutely no complaints, and it was a lot of fun. B: You know what the problem is? It was so good B: I don’t think I’m gonna be able to be Supreme Leader for much longer. L: Oh, good job Rey! Everybody give Rey some applause for uh L: wooing the Supreme Leader of evil over to the good side to get more nookie. R: You need to just quit your job, as I refer to it. R: Just quit your job and come move in with me. B: We’ll smuggle me into your room and I’ll just live there and never come out. R: Um, to be fair in a very unfortunate sad sort of way R: our numbers are extremely diminished. R: The whole of the resistance can fit in the Millennium Falcon. R: There really wouldn’t be that big of an angry mob. B: But you know, if they all decided to sneak up on me when I’m sleeping I’d still be in trouble. R: You’re very alert. We’ll have security measures put up so no one can sneak into a room. B: The security measures will be, you’ll be like wrapped around me all the time. R: Looking over your shoulder with this like “Grr!” (laughing) R: Just try it! (growls) R: Even when you get up to walk around and go places, I’ll just be on your back R: with my arms wrapped around your shoulders glaring at anyone who tries anything. B: That sounds really appealing, actually. L: It’s like getting a hug and protected at the same time. L: Not that you couldn’t protect yourself, but this way you’re not looking threatening. L: You’re just looking ridiculous! L: The both of you! B: (speaking while laughing) I just keep hearing…I see you like hissing. B: And swatting. R: Ha! You see, I’ve never had anything, let alone anyone before. R: So I might get horribly possessive. Just because I don’t want to lose the first R: you know, possession, because that’s how I feel. You’re my possession now. B: That’s cool. R: Yeah, I was gonna say. Not like you will mind. B: Not at all. R: So this is my first possession and no one’s taking it away from me! R: It’s like the street cat who finally gets fed regularly. R: But they don’t believe they’re gonna keep getting fed and they’ll hiss at anyone who comes near their food. R: I am a former street cat with trust issues. B: And I am your food. L: Oh gross! L: And this is me now saying– B: Figuratively, Ma. B: Mostly figuratively. L: Oh you’re having fun now turning the tables, aren’t you? B: Me? L: It takes a lot to give me the ickies. Congratulations. R: So yeah, this podcast has a different feel to it. And yes, it has its ups, its downs and um– B: Yeah, and it’s overall somehow a little bit subdued. L: Well, we can’t always be on eleven. L: Every now and then we’re gonna be on a nine or an eight. L: We just, we need a little (sniffs loudly). L: You know what I mean? Just a little (sniffs again) B: Is that what you and Poe get up to when you’re rubbing each other’s shoulders? L: Yeah, I don’t know where these rumors started about me and Poe getting it on. But yeah, that’s not happening. R: I think Poe might’ve said something. L: Look, I might’ve done something once L: but that doesn’t mean there’s a continual thing. It’s like you gotta try everything once sort of attitude. B: Okay, so how was he? Does he live up to the hype? L: Uh, yeah he does. He really does. He’s a little, uh, a little firecracker. B: Oh god, I just got this horrible image in my head. Please tell me you didn’t do a three-way with him and Finn. L: God, I hope I never have. L: I hope I’ve never been drunk enough to do something and not remember L: I mean I know I’ve been drunk enough to not remember things L: But if I found out they took advantage of that, I’d have to like blast their buttocks off. B: I don’t think they would be taking advantage of anything, I think you’d be taking advantage of them. L: Look, I may like to grab an ass or grab some balls or give a smoochy poo L: but I’m not gonna just be like, hey let’s do a three-way! B: Like a sandwich. Can I be your meat? L: See that doesn’t sound right when it’s the woman. L: Can I be the meat of your sandwich? R: Ew! B: No, you’re supposed to be the bottom bread. R: What?! B: You know the bread, the bread that sits on top of the plate. The meat’s on top of– R: No, I know what you’re talking about! It’s just (laughs) R: Calling someone “bottom bread” just sounds R: sounds ridiculous! B: I just think of a sandwich when I think of a three-way. R: Do you like to be (laughs) the cold cuts? Or do you like to be the top or the bottom bread? R: Or are you the cheese? Or perhaps mayonnaise? R: Is it the more condiments and, um like, vegetables that are in the sandwich, is that like the threesome is growing? R: It’s now a foursome. It’s now a fivesome. R: The bottom person is going to be crushed to death. B: I feel sorry for whoever is the lettuce. They must be the most boring one. R: They’re there to like what, bring people water and um– B: Hold the c** towels. R: Oh! R: I just said towel! You would have to be gross! B: Well what else would the towel be for? R: Oh, just to blot their foreheads. B: Oh, you’re so sweet. (loud belch) R: Leia. L: I’m trying to figure out how to regain control of my podcast again without pissing off all the listeners L: who’ll be like, Leia! No! Let them talk! Go away! L: Nobody’s gonna tell me to go away from my own podcast! So if I see any of that in the comments, you can just…oh! You just watch yourselves. L: I’ll do nothing, but I’ll be really irritated! B: You can use the force on them. L: I’m not you.
B: Well you don’t have to like (Leia belches loudly) B: Ah, jeez! L: What? Better out than in, as they say. Better out than turning into a fart. B: Better out the mouth, than out the ass. (Leia cackles) B: That should really be the saying. L: Yep. Which hole would you prefer this air to come out of? L: ‘Cause there’s only two options. And one will smell a lot better. B: It might not smell nice, but at least…it won’t smell like it went through a sewer. L: At least I’m doing…(laughs) L: Yeah, I mean does this gas just pick up all the s**t particles as it’s traveling through your stomach and intestines? R: S**t particles? B: Now you’re pissing off the listeners. L: I do what I can, son. (belches, cackles and sniffles) L: Well everyone, I hope you’ve enjoyed this lovely chat with our L: Oh god, they’re like newlyweds or something. L: Yeah, two virgins discovering sex when they’re both force-sensitive. Woo, it’s just all they’re ever gonna be able to talk about. They’re just gonna be completely boring to be around. B: Pretty much. R: Yeah, I do kind of have a far away look in my eye all the time. B: Yeah, I can’t get anything done. I’m being way too nice to everyone. L: Huh. L: Applause for Rey for sabotaging the First Order. (clapping) B: Way to go, Rey. R: Anytime. R: (giggles) And I mean that, anytime really. (loud belch) B: Mom! L: (cackles) I’m trying to wrap up my podcast here, god! L: Go make smoochy faces somewhere else, go on. Shoo! Shoo! Ooh! B: Oh! L: Ooh! B: Oh! B: Shoutouts. L: Now, for our Patreon patron shoutouts. L: Our lovely patrons that we thank thank thank you so much, all of you once again for making it, uh L: a lot easier to get some stuff done, it uh L: spurs us on and gives us enthusiasm and we love and appreciate you all. L: I’m gonna to start the shoutouts with some people that I missed last time because they had selected no rewards so they weren’t up on my list. L: So I’m going to start with them. L: Alright. Erica Stones. Oh thank you, thank you very much. B: Thank you. R: Thanks! L: LeAnna R McCoy. Uh, thank you! B: Thank you! Oh god, I’m gonna start sounding like Luke. R: No! I’m mad at him. Thank you! L: Uh, Hello. Thank you. B: And hello to you and thank you. R: Thank you, Hello. L: Ah, Laura. Thank you. Kylo: (singing) Laura is the face in the– R: Oh, you’re being serenaded by Kylo. Hmm. R: I’m calling you Kylo because Ben will not serenade anyone but me. B: That’s true. L: Excuse me, can I continue my friggin’ shoutouts?! R: Sorry. (Ben giggles) L: Yeah, you don’t sound sorry at all. L: Okay. “Grey-dit-sh”. L: Greyditsh. Thank you! R: Thank you, you’re awesome. L: Tara Fahey. Thank you very much. B: Thank you. R: Yeah, thanks! L: KCB. Thank you, thank you. B: Thank you. R: You’re awesome! L: Branchesi. Thank you. R: Thanks! B: Thank, thank, thank you. L: Leslie Ann Johnson. Why thank you very much. B: Thank you. And I never say thank you. R: He really doesn’t. R: Yay. Actually, I wouldn’t know that. He thanks me all the time. (Ben giggles idiotically) L: Gaw! You two are the worst to have for this! L: Tasha Gaftea. Thank you very much. R: Yeah! B: Yay! R: I’m trying to something different! B: I know, it’s like awkward. L: Shut up! What part of “shut up” do you not understand? And that means giggling too! L: Giselle Mz. Thank you. B: Did you say “mzzz”? L: Mzzzz. Yes it’s m-z. Mzzzz. B: Oh, okay. Thank you! L: Or just Giselle M-Z. Thank you! L: Lauren Heckler. Thank you very much. B: Thank you! R: Thank you! L: Andrea Guevara. L: I’m not sure if the “g” is…is a “huh” or a “juh”. L: So, Andrea Guevara or Andrea “Hwu”vara, thank you! Thank you and sorry about that. L: Sueper63. L: Sue-epper L: Sue-per L: Ah, I bet it’s “Sue-per”. Yeah, uh Sueper63, I gotcha. L: Thank you! B: Thanks! R: Thank you! L: Jordana Duarte. L: Jordana “Duart” L: Duarte L: “Hordana” Duarte B: Oh my god. L: I don’t know if the “j” is a “huh”. I’m always confused with those things. L: Thank you Jordana, “Hordana”. We love you! R: Thank you. B: We love you and sorry. L: Yes, I already apologized! L: Claire Lussier. Thank you very much. B: Thank you.
R: Thank you. L: Last of the Wilds. Thank you very much. I like your little avatar, wild thing. B: Yes, it’s very cool. L: Mónica Zavala L: ZAvala L: Monica, thank you. B: Thank you. R: Thank you. L: C. Amanda Millwood. Thank you very much. R: Thank you. B: Thank you. L: Sigourney Lee. Thank you very much. B: Thank you. L: I was gonna say, what nothing from the peanut gallery? Come on! B: I’m trying to come up with other ways to say thank you so I don’t sound as dorky as Luke. R: Look, there’s just not a whole lot of ways to say “thank you” and you could never sound as dorky as Luke because you’re not going (in high whiny voice) “Thank you!” (Ben laughs) L: Zzz zzz! B: What? L: Zzz zzz! Zip it! B: Oh, I thought that was someone’s name. Thank you Zzzzzz. L: No! It was just me telling you to shut up! (laughs) And you’re welcome. L: Alessandra. Thank you! R: Thank you! B: Thanks. L: God you two are morons. Richelle! Thank you! B: Thank you. R: Thank you, and I resent that, Leia. L: Maria Rincon. Thank you! B: Thank you. R: Thank you. L: Jordan Sleet. Thank you very much. R: Thank you. B: Tha– thank you. L: Oh god. I apologize ahead of time. L: Jenn Ngoc Chau Vo B: I bet that’s not even close. L: Jenn…Ngoc…Chau Vo. “Shuvo” L: Uh. Ah, yeah. L: I think you knew that coming. You expected that from me. But, uh thank you! Thank you very much! B: Thank you. R: Thank you! Oh god, we are like Luke. B: I know. L: Vicky Ives. Thank you very much, Vicky. R: Thank you. Thank you. B: Thank you. L: You know, whispering doesn’t make it any different, I’m just saying. B: Yes, it does make it different. It makes it seductive. L: So, once again we L: absolutely appreciate and love all of our patrons. L: You have made a huge difference in my life, for sure. L: There is a level of stress that has been removed, so thank you very sincerely for that. L: And uh, anyone else who’s considering, pop on over to patron.com/thefarceawakens B: Yeah, and in case you didn’t know there’s a slightly longer version of the new Date Night cartoon and– L: Yep, yep. And of course it’s unedited, so all foul language and um, a longer smooch. B: A very long disturbing kiss. L: God, you guys aren’t supposed to
L: When you tongue you don’t leave your mouths open and far enough away that you can see it from the outside. What are you lizards? B: Hey we’re new at this, shut up. R: Yeah, I was gonna say. We didn’t know what to do! We liked it, it was nice! B: We didn’t know we were being judged. L: Next time push the faces together L: You don’t need to like have wind drying out your tongues while you’re flopping them around in each other’s mouths. R: Oh, well thank you very much! L: Anyway, now shoo! Get out! (footsteps and door closing) L: So thank you very much everyone. Thank you for listening. Uh, congratulations if you’ve made it all the way through this podcast, as always. Kudos to you. L: And we will be talking at you soon. Good day, good evening, good morning, whatever time it is that you’re listening. (blows kiss)

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