The 3 Things We Get Wrong About Sex, Love & Monogamy | Dan Savage

The 3 Things We Get Wrong About Sex, Love & Monogamy | Dan Savage

I have been writing a sex and relationship,
mostly sex at the start, now a lot of relationship advice column called “Savage Love” that’s
been syndicated in the United States, in Canada, and runs in Italian, in Italy, and runs in
a paper in Hong Kong, which is crazy, for 26 years. My column and my sex advice began before the
internet came along and ruined everything. And for the last 10 years, I’ve been doing
a sex and relationship podcast called the “Savage Lovecast,” which is one of the top
podcasts in the world. So, I’ve been listening to people and talking
to people about their sex lives and helping them troubleshoot them for 25 years. And the thing that’s really ironic about the
fact that this became my career is that it started as a joke. Twenty-seven years ago, I met a straight guy
who was gonna start a newspaper, and I told him, “Oh, you should have an advice column
because everybody reads those. You see the Q&A format, and it’s about sex
or relationships, you can not read it.” And the straight guy looked at me, the gay
guy and said, “I want you to write the advice column. That’s such great advice.” And I wasn’t angling for the gig. I’m just a fan of the genre. I just always read advice columns. And we began to joke at this party where we
were both pretty drunk about what it would mean for a gay guy to be writing advice column
in a straight newspaper for straight people and giving sex advice to straight people about
the icky straight sex that they were having. And that was basically it. At the beginning, it was gonna be a joke. I was gonna do it for six months or a year
and then do something else. And I was going to treat, in print, straight
people and straight sex with the same contempt and revulsion that heterosexual advice columnists
had traditionally treated gay people and gay sex with, that I was gonna go, “Eww, yuck. Gay sex or straight sex, why would anyone
do that? You must have broken your mother’s hearts
when you told them you were having straight sex. Now, here’s some advice, go away,” which is
how gay people were treated by the Playboy advisor, by Ann Landers, by Abigail Van Buren,
by all the agony ants that I read growing up. They would occasionally answer a letter from
a homo, but they would handle it with special tongs. Oh, it didn’t bother me. I thought it was kind of funny that I crossed
out Ann Landers. And so the idea was, I was gonna make fun
of straight sex. And I thought that that would take about six
months for this joke of a column to play out. And something really weird happened in that
the mail began to pour in, and instantly, other newspapers wanted to pick up this column. And the questions that I started to get were
real relationship questions and real sex questions. Because straight people, I guess, kind of
enjoyed being treated with this kind of contempt because it was a new and novel experience
for them. And my column took off, and 26 years later,
I’m still doing it. There’s one thing that’s different now about
writing a sex advice column in the internet era as opposed to pre-internet. A lot of the questions 25 years ago were definitions. People would ask me, “What’s a butt plug?” Straight people would. Gay people tend to know what that is. And now, butt plug has a wiki page, so you
don’t have to ask me anymore. Now, all the questions I get are situational
ethics, “This is what happened. I did this. She or he did that. What do we do next? Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who’s the asshole? Who’s not the asshole?” Of course, two people can both simultaneously
be assholes, as my husband and I prove to each other every day. The Q&A format, in which I’ve been working
for 26 years, carves a deep groove in someone. So I’m most comfortable having a dialogue
in a Q&A. I have some anonymous questions that people
submitted on cards, but I’m gonna try to get to just a conversation and a Q&A as quickly
as I can. But I wanna share with you some of the things
that I’ve learned over the past 25 years, digging through people’s sex lives and psyches
and talking to experts, and researchers, and scientists, and brilliant people, like Esther
Perel, who you heard from yesterday. And the first and most important thing that
I’ve learned is that we’re told a fundamental lie when we’re children about…so we’re told
a lot of lies when we’re children about a lot of things. But the most sort of damning and damaging
lie that we’re told as children about sex is that one day we will grow up, and we will
have sex, when the reality is that one day, we will grow up and sex will have us. Sex is older than we are, stronger than we
are, 500 million years old, sexual reproduction. Sex built us through natural selection and
random mutation. Sex created us. Sex has its own ideas about why we’re here,
and what it is doing with us. And we pretend we are in charge of sex, we
pretend we make all the decisions, and we are not in charge of sex. Human beings, for all of our existence, have
been wondering about a higher power and a creator and looking up at the sky, when the
only creator and higher power that we can be sure exists is one we have to look down
to find, and we don’t, and we should because it will help us respect sex. We have to acknowledge its power as we approach
it because we’re negotiating always the terms of our surrender with sexuality and sex and
those drives. That doesn’t mean that we do anything that
we want, it doesn’t mean that every sexual impulse should be acted on, but the sex drive
has to be channeled, it cannot be dammed up. If you build a dam without spillways, it collapses. If you do the same to the sex drive, if you
attempt to build…to dam it up without releases, without a spillway, without channels, it will
collapse and wash away everything in your life that you value. But before we get to the Qs and my As, I wanna
share three sort of big ideas and concepts that I’ve sort of come to wrestle with, shaped
and developed with my readers and my listeners over the last 25 years, that I find to be
kind of grounded in a reality and truthful and very helpful to people when I impart them
or give them to them. So these are my gift ideas, takeaways from
“Savage Love” over the last quarter of a century. The first and most important one is that there
is no the one, that the one is a myth and a lie and a destructive one. The best you’re gonna do when you’re out there
is you might find a .64, and it’s your job to round that motherfucker up to 1. You find someone close, and you make them
the one. And it is an act of will, and it is a compliment,
and it is deceit on some level, but it’s mutual. Because you know what? You’re not their one either. You’re their .642, and they’re rounding you
the fuck up as well. And you should take that for what it is, which
is a gift you’re both giving each other. “I know you are not the one because I know
because I’m a rational person that there is no the one. But I am making you the one because everything
else that you bring to me, that .64, all of that is so valuable that I am going to treat
you like you are the one. And stop searching for the mythical, the one,
because that person doesn’t exist.” I get letters every day from people who are
in loving relationships with people they value, people who make their lives better, people
who they have awesome sex with, not all the sex that they could possibly want in all the
different ways they might want it, but a great and rewarding and fulfilling sex life. And they write me every day to say, “I’m not
sure because, you know, this isn’t there. And that isn’t there. What if the one is out there and I’m stuck
here with this .64?” So they ask me for my permission to end this
relationship that sounds amazing, so they can pursue this myth. And that myth, that’s why I call it a destructive
myth because people end relationships because they’re full of doubt because they’ve heard
about this, the one, for so long. They’ve also heard about the one from parents
and friends and coworkers. They’ve heard about the one from people who
know that the person that they’re with that they’re describing as the one isn’t the one. Because people who actually accepted that
the one is an active will lie, will say that they found the one. And what they mean is they rounded that one
up. And we should be honest about that, that that’s
what we’re doing because it will help people who may still believe in this destructive
myth realize that the one is a creation and a gift. It is a creation…it’s someone that you create
and it’s a gift you give someone, and they give you the same gift in return. There are three like…and this is the second
item and I’m gonna pack three into it and hope I don’t go over time because I don’t
like to be spanked, particularly by ladies. No offense, your technique was great. There are three things that I toss out of
my column a lot, and we talk about a lot, GGG, price of admission, and the four magic
words. GGG is good, giving, and game, it is what
I think we should be for our lovers and what we have a right to expect our lovers to be
for us. Good in bed, it takes time and thought to
acquire some skills. Nobody can play a violin perfectly the first
time they pick it up. A human being with its genitals, and its erogenous
zones, and its nerve endings, and its feelings, and its erotic imagination is a lot more complicated
than a violin, but people have it in their heads that they should be able to play that
human being the first time they pick him up in a bar. And that’s not true. Good, you’ve gotta be good in bed, you’ve
gotta be thoughtful about what you’re doing, what you wanna do, and you’ve got to develop
those skills, whatever they might be, around the sexual interests or activities that you
want to explore with the people who get to be your lover. Giving, giving, sometimes you give without
an expectation of an immediate return. Not everything is gonna be sixty-nining or
parallel to it all through your sex life. Sometimes you do for a lover. Sometimes you indulge someone. If you’re with someone in a long, long, long-term
relationship, you sometimes, they’re horny, you’re not horny, you milk the cow. I’ve never quite put it that way before, and
it’s a little screwy on the gender thing because a milkable cow is a female cow, but this action
is kind of male-ish. So I will discard that descriptor for giving. Sometimes you give pleasure without an expectation
of an immediate return. And the final one, which kind of relates to
giving, is game, particularly important if you are in or wish to be in a sexually exclusive
relationship. You wanna be game for anything, dot, dot,
dot within reason. That means you wanna meet your partner’s sexual
needs. This is a difficult thing to talk about. It’s easier to talk about in gay land. When you begin to talk about it in reference
to opposite-sex relationships, which aren’t all straight relationships, but for shorthand,
we will call them straight relationships. When you talk about it with straight relationships,
it comes muddied and complicated by thousands of years of sexist indoctrination of men and
women, and women being socialized and terrorized to meet the needs of men, defer to men, set
aside their own wants and desires in the face of a man’s wants and desires. Recognizing that and setting that, not aside,
but setting that beside game, you wanna be game for anything within reason. Sometimes I say to people, and this can be
very controversial, it’s damaging for people to hear, “You should never do anything in
bed that you don’t want to do.” Because imagine a Venn diagram, you have a
couple, and it’s a Venn diagram, and it’s their sexual interests and desires. And there’s only 20% overlap in this Venn
diagram. So you have two people who are up to 80% sexually
unfulfilled and unsatisfied in this relationship because, if they only do what both of them
want to do, they’re only doing that 20% overlap. So how do you make that couple more sexually
fulfilled, more sexually content, happier? You do what you can as a sex advice columnist
to push those circles together. That doesn’t mean either person should do
anything that traumatizes them, that leaves them curled up in the fetal position on the
bathroom floor after it’s over sobbing, that makes them feel insecure, that humiliates
them in a way they don’t enjoy. Some people enjoy erotic humiliation. You shouldn’t do anything that is traumatizing,
triggering, upsetting. But when people hear, over and over and over
again, “Never do anything in bed that you don’t want to do,” that results in the end
in many people not doing something in bed that their partner would like to do, that
they are indifferent to, that they could take or leave. And that’s a problem. And a problem for a lot of the people who
write me is that they’re with people who won’t go there for them, who won’t do for them because
they believe they are somehow being diminished or degraded if they do anything in bed that
they themselves don’t want to do. And all I ask people who are not doing those
things is to sit with that for a second to think about it, to interrogate it, because
sometimes you’re not doing that thing, not because it’s upsetting or traumatizing, just
because it is a take-it-or-leave-it. And what the sex researchers like Amy Muse
at Toronto University have discovered is that people who do do, people who are game for
their partners, who will do something that they wouldn’t want to do or initiate with
another partner, but that their partner wants to do, they report higher levels of relationship
satisfaction, not the person being indulged who also reports higher levels of relationship
satisfaction, but the person doing the indulging, the person performing, giving this pleasure
to their lover, they themselves report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, better
sexual connections. When they’re doing what? When they are doing something that they did
not want to do in bed. That is why I think people should be game
for anything within reason. One of the examples from my column that I
always like to cite is years ago, I got a letter from a college student who was waiting
tables and bartending to put herself through school. And she would come home to help put herself
through school also with loans in America. And she would come home at the end of a long
shift, and her boyfriend would massage her feet for a long…a mysteriously long time. And then one day, he confessed to her that
he had a foot fetish, and she broke up with him because she didn’t want to be with a pervert. And she was angry in the letter that she wrote
to me that this thing that she had believed to be, this giving and selfless act, was on
some level a selfish act, that it wasn’t just about being kind to her and indulging her,
it was also about him indulging himself. And men often have a hard time sharing their
kinks, 100 to 1, paraphilias, kinks. Men, typically, that’s the old stat. For every 100 people who would have a kink,
who have paraphilia, 99 of them are gonna be men. That stat now I think has been torn down a
little bit by the “Fifty Shades of Grey” phenomenon. We know that women are also kinky. Women are less entitled often to act on their
desires, to own them until often later in life when women begin to really own their
sexualities in a way that young women often have a block or a problem with. And I’ve lost my place because I smoke a lot
of pot. Oh, the foot fetish girl. I’m from Washington State. Pot’s legal there, what can I say? She broke up with her boyfriend and wanted
me to endorse that breaking up. And her question to me was, “Where do I meet
a guy who isn’t a weird pervert?” And I told her I had no idea, but if she ever
found out, she should let me know because I’m occasionally asked that question. I also told her that, “If you break up with
the honest foot fetishist in the end because, karma, you will marry the dishonest necrophiliac.” A foot fetish, I think falls under game for
anything within reason, he enjoys touching your feet, he enjoys licking your feet. If having your feet slobbered all over every
once in a while, if indulging him, it’s saying, “Tonight, it’s gonna be a full night,” doesn’t
make you feel awful, if you didn’t grow up and get sent to a boarding school where all
punishment was administered to feet, I think that’s something that you should do. I think that’s a place that you should go
for them, for the relationship, for everything else. And then you have a right to expect that you
will be similarly indulged and pleasured and taken care of. That game is a two-way street, not a one-way
street. And so that woman who broke up with that guy,
I think was fucking crazy. Because if you meet a good and loving and
tender and smart, challenging person who has a mild indulgent kink like that, and you break
up with that person over that kink, you’re fucking crazy. And one of the reasons you’re fucking crazy. They just did a… Paraphilia. I already used that word. Paraphilia literally means non-normative sexual
desire, or it’s defined as non-normative sexual desire. They have just done this big study out of
the UK, where they wanted to assess and measure the ubiquity of paraphilias, how common are
paraphilias, these non-normative sexual desires. And what they found was that a majority of
humans, way over 50%, are paraphiliacs, have non-normative sexual desires. So it is not non-normative to have a paraphilia. It’s actually normative to have a paraphilia. What we know now…the study of human sexuality
is only about 80 years old. And what we know now about human sexuality
is that deviance is the norm. And we have to embrace that in our sex lives
and in the way we practice love and showing love to one another, particularly important
in sexually exclusive relationships. If you’re with someone and they have a foot
fetish, if you’re dating, you know, if your wife after 20 years of marriage gets her hands
on “Fifty Shades of Grey” or sees the terrible movies and is suddenly inspired by this, bust
out the feet, bust out the rope, make it happen. You want your long-term partner to look at
you and see the reason they get to, not the reason they can’t unless it’s something fucking
crazy hence the dot, dot, dot within reason. Wants to lick your feet, okay, wants to shit
in your mouth, no whoa. Sorry to use such an extreme example, all
right, before lunch, but I think it’s the best illustration of the point. The internet exists in part to skim…I wanna
call it the cream, but some people might describe…to skim off the top of the dating pond, the necrophiliacs,
and the coprophiliacs, and the people into really hardcore crazy kinks. The internet exists in part to help those
people find each other and make a dating scene that’s viable for the furries who wants you
to wear a fursuit for six hours and sweat to death, maybe not within reason, right? But the internet exists to help furries find
each other, and so that they have a dating scene now that works. Same for… I’m not equating furrydom with coprophilia. If there are any furries here, you’re gonna
yell at me after for that. And coprophilia means shit play. Sorry, I already mentioned it. So, yeah, nothing within reason. That’s not within reason. You shouldn’t do those things. That’s GGG in a disgusting nutshell. And the last thing, and this ties to… Well, not the last thing, the last thing of
these three-part things I’ve learned second section, the last thing that…and it’s something
that as a gay person, I quickly got a sense of writing the sex advice column or relationship
advice column for straight people. There are some different dynamics in gay land,
some of them are emotional, some of them are about sort of a single-gendered universe,
but some of them are mechanical. And a lot of people, and I think a lot of
straight people intuit this. And I think it’s true. It’s why so many straight people who have
gay friends will go to their gay friends for sex advice. Even if their gay friends aren’t me, they
will go to their gay friends for sex advice, because I think a lot of straight people kind
of have this feeling that gay people know more about sex, have more sex, and are better
at it than straight people are. And I am here to tell you that that is true. And it is not because we are magic. We are that also, but that has nothing to
do with this. We’re not magic. The reason we know more, are better at it
and have more, which is a double-edged sword in gay, but the reason we know more and are
better at it is because we communicate. And that’s just an obvious point. That’s what everybody here is partly telling
everybody to do, communicate, communicate, communicate, with your lovers, with long-term
partners, with your spouses, communicate. And here’s the thing about the gay experience
that makes that so much easier. You can’t be gay unless you’ve opened your
mouth and communicated a very difficult truth about yourself and your sexuality and your
desires, not even to your lovers. When I was 15 or 16 years old, I had to go
tell my Catholic parents that I put dicks in my mouth. That was not something they wanted to hear. But I couldn’t be who I was, and I couldn’t
be also an honest ethical person, which was also part of who I was, not just a gay person,
and be truthful with my family and my parents and be open about my relationships if I didn’t
go tell my mother that I sucked cock, which sounds gross. But ask anybody who’s ever had to come out
to their parents as a teenager. That’s what flashes across their face when
you tell them, mental images of dicks going into your mouth as the…before the word gay
can be all the way out, an imaginary cock that your mother is putting in your mouth
is in your mouth. That’s hard. Telling your mother you put dicks in your
mouth is hard. It’s difficult. Telling your boyfriend anything after that
is easy. So, we are not afraid in gay land of articulating
our desires, our wants. We didn’t tell our mother this thing that
broke her heart so that we could then be afraid to tell our boyfriend what we want, but it
goes beyond that. And this is central to a problem with heterosexual
sex as much as I admire it, and I’ve been toiling in the vineyards of heterosexual sex
for 25 years. When straight people get to yes, when straight
people get to consent, typically, when you make generalizations about billions of people,
there will be tens of millions, hundreds of millions of exceptions. The odds that exceptions are here in the room,
I think are higher than if we just randomly grabbed 800 people off the street. But, typically, when straight people get to
yes, two straight people, for the first time are going to bed, a man and a woman, they
get to consent, they get to yes, and they stop communicating because everything after
that is a given. It’s the default setting of vaginal intercourse. They’ve agreed to have straight sex. It’s PIV, penis in vagina, PIV, as we call
it in the trades. And so what else is there to talk about? Maybe there’ll be some rolling around and
kissing, maybe some oral tossed out as foreplay. But these two people have agreed to have sex,
this man, this woman, vaginal intercourse, nothing left to discuss, and all too often
and tragically, no more discussion. Two guys go to bed for the first time, two
gay guys get to yes, they get to consent, and it is the beginning of a whole other conversation. What the fuck is gonna happen now? Nothing can be assumed. They have to negotiate what happens next. And if there’s anything that straight land
should steal from gay land, the way we’ve stolen marriage from you, what we…and a
quick aside, we didn’t redefine marriage. You mother fuckers did. You redefined it in such a way that you can
no longer make a logical case to exclude same-sex couples from the institution as you define
and practice it. It used to be gendered. It used to be about property. It used to be about gendered slavery. And now, in the West, it is the legal union
of two autonomous and equal individuals, and they get to decide for themselves what their
marriage is. It’s not gendered. You can gender it as an option. You can be a Southern Baptist and the wife
can submit joyfully to the husband, but that’s a choice. You can be in a femdom relationship and the
husband can submit erotically to the wife. And it’s still a marriage. Anyway, where was I going with this? Now, we stole marriage from you. Here’s what we’re gonna give you guys in return. Here’s what you should take from us. I call it the four magic words. It begins, every gay sex encounter, whether
it’s the first time two guys who are dating are gonna do it, and they waited six months,
or it’s the first time two guys who just met on Grindr are gonna do it, and they just hooked
up. The four magic words, it starts, every gay
male sexual encounter, “What are you into? What do you wanna do? And implicit, what don’t you wanna do?” And at that moment, you’re both mutually empowered
to rule anything in, anything out. And often…and this blows some straight people’s
minds, young straight people. I write to a lot of college students. I speak to a lot of college students. Often what one gay guy will say when the other
asks, “What are you into,” is, “I’m not into anal.” Imagine a man and a woman going to bed and
the man saying, “What are you into?” And the woman saying, “Not into vaginal.” The guy would be like, “You just said you
wanted to have sex.” “Yeah, but I don’t wanna get fucked right
now.” “How about I fuck your ass for a change?” Right? Because the gay guy can say, “I’m not into
anal or I don’t like to be penetrated. I don’t wanna have anal at all.” Twenty-five percent of gay men never have
anal intercourse. And so what happens after not into anal? Mutual masturbation, oral sex, rolling around,
fantasy play, BDSM, whatever else they’re into, they begin to toss those things out. They have a negotiation about what they wanna
do. Young straight guys asked me a lot how they
can get women to be more like gay men, why there isn’t a Grindr with girls on it who
wanna just come over and do whatever, why there isn’t…you know, they look at gay bathhouses,
and they wonder why there’s no straight equivalent. And there is. It’s a whorehouse. A bathhouse is a whorehouse staffed by volunteers,
and there’s no parallel…there’s no parallel in straight land for two huge reasons. The first huge reason is violence. Why aren’t women willing to be as sexually
impulsive as men, intimate partner violence, rape, sexual violence, unplanned pregnancy,
the risk of pregnancy is one way, sexually transmitted infections likelier to go from
male to female than female to male, slut-shaming, which is not just something men do to women,
but also something women do to each other, falls exclusively on the shoulders of women. The social and physical costs and risks of
impulsive sex, anonymous sex, is so much higher for women. You want women to feel freer, to do, to act
more like gay men, which again is a double-edged sword, make the world safer for women. And the other impediment besides violence
is the lack of, “What are you into?” The lack of that question. I’m always telling college-age straight guys
much to the consternation of the administrators who bring me to colleges to talk, if every
time as a man, if every time you said yes to sex, your ass got fucked, you wouldn’t
say yes as often as you might otherwise. If every time you said yes to sex, if every
time you consented, there was another conversation that you were gonna have about what you wanted
to do that night. And you could rule penetration out, maybe
because you never like to be penetrated, maybe because tonight you don’t wanna be penetrated
because you have to get up early tomorrow and you don’t wanna be the person who got
fucked and then lays there having tingle hole for a half an hour after the other person
went to sleep or left. Ladies, I know how it is. And the guy who fucked you is fast asleep,
which isn’t just evidence that he’s a cad. Men release prolactin. It’s a hormone that literally makes their
erections go away, makes them completely disinterested, even disgusted by sex, and makes them sleepy. We used to regard men like rolling over and
falling asleep as a character flaw. It’s a feature, not a bug. It’s how men were designed. So, it’s also some evidence that we have with
the biological evolutionary there’s belief, points to that we are fundamentally non-monogamous
species. That and vocalization together. Why are women so loud when they have sex? Why do women scream and howl often when they
have sex and not so much men? Well, 100,000 years ago, 50,000 years ago,
a woman of whatever species predated ours…shared ancestor with other primates having sex and
howling as she’s having sex with a male of the species, and all the other males from
miles around can hear that. And by the time they get to where the howling
is coming from, the guy she was just fucking is fast asleep on the ground. If women were asked by men or are able to
ask also of men, “What are you into?” And like gay people, could rule anything out,
including ruling out vaginal intercourse, including ruling out penetration, straight
people and straight couples, even long-term straight couples would have a lot more sex
than they do. If you broaden your definition of sex to include
non-penetrative sex play, and you don’t treat those things like tragic consolation prizes
that you’re being given in place of the trophy you hoped for, you will have a better sex. It’s magic. Define more things as sex, be happy to have
that kind of sex and you will have more sex. That’s what happens in gay land. We give it to you in exchange for marital
rights. Monogamy, it’s a nice idea. But it is literally the only thing humans
do where 100% perfection, perfect execution is the only standard of success. If you are the world’s greatest snowboarder,
and you are covered in gold medals, you can get on a mountain and snowboard down it and
fall on your ass and get up and still be the world’s greatest snowboarder. If you are the world’s greatest chef, you
can burn a fucking omelet one day and still be the world’s greatest chef. If you are with someone for 50 or 60 years,
and you cheated on them one time, you were terrible at monogamy. It’s an impossible standard of perfection. And it’s why we all fail at it. Those who attempt it, almost all fail at it. The stats around infidelity, stats around
cheating are a little fuzzy because, oddly, when you get people on the phone and ask them
if they’ve ever cheated on the spouse who might be sitting next to them, they don’t
say yes every time. But roughly, the estimates, and these are
rough figures. Historically, you know, when they first began
asking these questions in the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, 60-ish percent of men, 60%, 65% of men,
35%, 40% of women in long-term committed relationships cheat, all those men and women not married
to each other. So the odds that any one relationship, long-term
relationship, that there will be an infidelity pretty fucking high. The stats now, people used to look at that
stat, 65%, 60% of men, 35%, 40% of women and go, “Women are so much better than men. Women are the guardians of the monogamous
ideal. Women are naturally pair bonding, naturally
monogamous.” Now you look at the stats for people under
40, men and women under 40, and we have achieved parity, not on pay yet, but on this, 50%,
50% men and women cheating now under 40. And what does that tell us? That tells us that in the ’60s and ’70s for
a man to get caught cheating was a lot less risky than for a woman to get caught cheating. The economic consequences of divorce and also
slut-shaming were much higher for her. Now that more women earn their own money,
have their own jobs, have their own careers, have social networks that aren’t all filtered
through their husband or their husband’s workplace. So, that difference in the infidelity stat
was always about power and never about virtue. And it’s roughly evened out, and, again, still
the 50% of men, 50% of women under 40 who’ve already cheated and have the rest of middle
age to top up, not all married to each other. So the odds that two people in a monogamous
relationship, in a monogamous committed marriage, that that marriage will be touched by the
infidelity angel at some point are really, really fucking high. And we tell people, and people believe that
if someone touches someone else, someone who’s committed to you, made a monogamous commitment
to you, touches someone else with their genitals, even once, they didn’t love you, they never
loved you. That your entire relationship was a lie, and
the only corrective is divorce. You must leave that person. We define it as an unforgivable betrayal,
and then we experience it as an unforgivable betrayal. And we sit around with our thumbs in our asses
wondering why the divorce rate is as high as it is, when what we should be telling people
is that you will grow up, you will fall in love, perhaps if monogamy is right for you
or what you think you want. A lot of people think they want it and actually
don’t. You will make a monogamous commitment and
asterixis. That doesn’t mean because you’re in love,
you’re not gonna wanna fuck other people, you’re still gonna wanna fuck other people
so is your spouse. What monogamy means is that you will refrain
from fucking other people, hopefully. And if you make it through 50 years, and they
cheated once or twice, and you cheated once or twice, you were good at…you get a monogamy
gold medal like the snowboarder who fell down that day. You should have a monogamy gold medal around
your neck, not a noose around your neck. If we regarded monogamy the way we regarded
sobriety. You know, we talk about monogamy as if it
were some other kind of virginity. You’re a virgin until you fuck someone or
get fucked by someone, and you’ve lost your hymen, whether it’s literal or spiritual,
popped, gone, you’re no longer a virgin. We should talk about it the way we talk about
sobriety. You’re sober, but you can fall off the wagon,
and you can get back the fuck on the wagon, you can sober the fuck back up. And if we talked about it that way, we would
be saying to people, “Value the relationship more than the perfect execution of the ideal.” I’ve been my husband for 23-ish…4-ish years,
I can’t remember, but a long time. And for 18 of the last few years, we have
been non-monogamous. I have had conversations with people in monogamous
who are appalled by the fact that we’re public about it, that I’ve talked about, the fact
that we’re parents and we’ve talked about it publicly. And this is how these conversations have gone. I’ve had people look at me and say to me,
“I could never do what you and Terry have done because I value commitment and loyalty
too highly.” And I look at them like…I don’t say anything,
but I’m thinking, “You don’t think I value that?” And the next thing out of the mother fucker’s
mouth is, “All three of my marriages have been monogamous.” And I’m like, “Oh, what you’re committed to
and loyal to is monogamy, not these assholes you keep marrying and divorcing, but monogamy.” We are committed and loyal to monogamy to
such an extent that we are not committed and disloyal to the people we’ve married. And that is crazy. That is cart before the horse shit. And we need to correct that. That doesn’t mean everyone should be in an
open relationship like we are. That doesn’t mean everyone has to be polyamorous,
or non-monogamous, or monogamish. That means everyone needs to have realistic
expectations, and that monogamous relationships are likelier to survive the long haul, including
the near-inevitable infidelity, if we talk about it this way instead. I’m not talking about it this way to talk
anybody out of making or staying in the monogamous…making a monogamous commitment or staying in the
monogamous relationship that you are in now, if that is what you want. I am trying, when I talk to monogamous people,
to troubleshoot the coming…likely coming catastrophe. There’s a British writer whose name escapes
me because pot, who said that every monogamous relationship is a disaster waiting to happen. But it’s only a disaster waiting to happen. I would point out if we continue to talk about
monogamy and continue to talk about infidelity as always and everywhere a relationship extinction
level event because then we will perform that when it comes. Now, there are degrees and we have to judge,
I think, infidelities not by, “It’s an infidelity, to the electric chair.” We have to judge an infidelity on its own
demerits. Fucked your sister on your wedding night,
probably can’t get past that nor do I blame you, probably divorce. I might advise that. I’ve advised people who’ve been cheated on
in certain circumstances to, like, pull the plug or slit the throat, depending. But together 20 years, 25 years, children,
family, property, two extended families knit together, a history together, a home that
you both inhabited, and you both built out, where you feel comfortable and relaxed and
safe. Let’s put all that on the scale on this side,
right, all of that, children, family, property, history, extended families, social status,
position in the community, all on one side of the scale. Hand job from a masseuse on a business trip,
or your wife hired a personal trainer that she was really attracted to. Of course, she did. No one’s ever hired a personal trainer they
did not want to fuck. And they messed around, they hooked up. People who say that I place too much emphasis
and importance on sex, what those people tell me is this hand job, or this hook up with
the personal trainer is weightier than all of this. That all of this has to be discarded. That this is so colossally heavy, that when
you toss it on the scales, this might as well be a feather, and this has to be blown away
and thrown away. And I’m the non-monogamous person saying to
that monogamous couple, don’t believe the hype, that you can look at those scales, and
you can say, “All of this weighs more, all these years together, children, family, status,
position, extended families.” That you can add more weight to that. You could allow that to have the weight that
it ought to have and say, “This, we can forgive and get past.” This isn’t fuck my sister on my wedding night
and I found out three weeks later. Or fucked one of the groomsmen on the wedding
night because you were the passed out groom. So all I’m advocating for is not openness. It’s not non-monogamy. It’s not right for everybody. Non-monogamous people don’t go to monogamous
people and say, “You’re doing it wrong.” That’s a one-way critique. I have monogamous people coming to me all
the time saying, “You’re doing it wrong.” I don’t say that to monogamous people. I’m telling this to monogamous people because
I want their monogamous relationships to survive. I want them to be able to recommit to monogamy
if there’s an infidelity and adultery because, on some basic fundamental level, I’m kind
of conservative. I wanna protect and conserve marriages and
commitments from the storms that are coming into them. I want people to be able to batten down the
emotional hatches so that when this happens, and it is likely to, and that is the way you
should talk about it before you get married, not, “This can never happen. I would never. I would kill you.” But when this happens, how will we respond? When this happens, we will remember everything
else on this one side of the scales and allow it to have the weight that it should have. And we will work through this. We will forgive, if we can, if it is forgivable. If it isn’t my sister on my wedding night.

100 thoughts on “The 3 Things We Get Wrong About Sex, Love & Monogamy | Dan Savage

  1. I get it. There’s no fidelity with gay men. Hence the AIDS epidemic. Gay men can go do whatever they want, play house, fake marriage, orgy in a bathhouse, play with shit, whatever, as long as they don’t pose a risk to public health and become financial burdens on the medical system mostly supported by heterosexual people including those gay people call bigoted or homophobic. This guy is a masc in a community of guys who collectively lust after masculine men. I’m sure he gets inundated with offers. Good for you. But don’t talk about heterosexual relationships.

  2. This guy gives terrible relationship advice. He basically tries to justify selfishness and reduce all relationships to sex.

  3. I don't mean this in a mean way at all but do gay people have more partners than straights? If so I wonder if that has something to do with gays think cheaing is not such a big deal. I am just wondering, curious. I just don't think I could stay with someone who cheated on me…..

  4. I think it just depends on the people involved. Some people can get past the deciet, the cheating and some people just can not and if one of the people can not get past it that person should not be forced to accept the unacceptable.

  5. I think everyone should hear a presentation like this at least once in life, to know of all the possibilities out there…!

    In my opinion, monogamy still carries a strong association with fidelity and trust. When someone breaks the monogamy glass ceiling, everything falls apart because the counterpart now believes that all trust has gone away with the shards… If people saw monogamy just as a reference, ideal, or option, maybe the occasional flirt or escapade wouldn't have the same impact on relationships.

  6. The gay community has actually been surprisingly vanilla to me. I was raised to think there were orgies all the time, lol. Maybe it's because I'm AFAB and queer. My husband and I are ethically non-monogamous and we have two partners we see once or twice a year. It's definitely not for everyone, but really works for us. I've told my husband that he is free to get a handjob from a masseuse if he wants to, as that's something he used to do. He hasn't taken me up on that yet, lol.

  7. I had no idea anything about this. And it was worth watching all the way. Snd its refreshing. At first i didnt know it was going to be geared towards soecific types of relationships. Funnier than expected too at first assessment. Love it so cool. I learnef a lot asca straight women person. I knew a lil but learned more. Cool

  8. I'm an old lady who LOVES the company of gay men, simply because the equality is genuine, and the communication is more honest! Dan Savage, you're openness is SO refreshing!!!

  9. What if there's a 0.73 close by and available? Should you still stay with the 0.64? Because across a lifetime, that difference can mean a whollllle lot.

  10. So the one who got the hjob or fkd the personal trainer couldn't think or didn't have to think about the (home, family, history, etc..)?!

  11. Self CONTROL Management. CHOICE : will. RESPONSIBILITIES to TAKE OBLIGATIONS PROVIDE CARE. SEX requires no NO SKILLS. Its natural. Disabled ignorant ones do it. 😖

  12. Most of this is great, but Dan's views of infidelity are incredibly misguided and destructive. The comparisons made with the snowboarder and the chef are false equivalencies. Falling down or burning an omelette is not the same as deliberately choosing to share the most intimate side of yourself with another person. When you cheat, you know that you're doing something that will deeply hurt your partner and put your relationship in jeopardy and doing it anyways. You are basically telling your partner that your temporary pleasure is more important than their emotional well-being and the relationship that you have with them. And when you accept that sort of behavior in your partner you are subliminally telling yourself that your feelings don't matter. It's one thing if you have a pre-existing arrangement with your partner, but outright cheating in a monogamous relationship is not acceptable.

  13. His analogy regarding the Chef and Snowboarder making a mistake and comparing it to a Monogamy Relationship is totally WRONG. Because the Chef and Snowboarder making a mistake is only accountable to himself and no one else. A Doctor making a mistake is accountable to his Patient, because you are dealing with lives. And so as in a Monogamy Relationships, you are accountable as you are dealing with another person's life (or more people, kids, family, etc).

    His analogy of weighting scale is also totally WRONG. On one side you have family, home, kids, extended family, finance, partner, etc… and on the other side of the scale is a hand-job/sex with trainer. On one side of the scale, you spent years, time, energy, money, building, developing and growing… On the other side is an instant gratification of pleasure… And he thinks neither side is heavier than the other???
    Again, if you're after instant gratification and you're only accountable to yourself, go ahead. If you're instant gratification is going to affect your kids, partner, extended family, community… don't you think that is a totally different weighting or different circumstances of accountability???

    Nobody is perfect, but any person who cannot weigh the difference between a hand-job/cheating versus years of time, energy, finance, family, kids, partner, etc… Truly don't the definition or meaning of "VALUE". It's like a person who says they want to be a pro athlete and they don't even exercise. It's wishful delusions at best.
    If what YOU SAY DOESN'T ALIGN TO YOUR ACTIONS, you simply don't mean what you say. You are deluding yourself, so that you psychologically forgive yourself from all accountability.

    If you forgive someone from cheating, you have given them the free pass card "Sorry, I messed up." They can simply eff whoever they want and use the "Sorry, I messed up" card.

    You want to eff around >>> don't get married.
    You want to get married and eff around >>> put it on the table, out in the open, before getting married.
    You want to get married >>> Accept the responsibility and accountability it entails.

  14. I can't believe I've never heard of you before…so many great points but the part about infidelity was SO spot-on! This is such an important message for people to hear in this day and age; "A gold medalist can fall down, get up and still be a gold medalist–not so with monogamy". If more people could view their relationships in such a pragmatic way, consult their hearts and find room to forgive SOME things, people could be a lot happier. Thank you so much for this talk!

  15. What a load of rubbish, The fact is, a huge percentage of what most of us were taught when we were children by our parents or grandparents is spot on: we are in control of sex, our bodies, and our moral choices. If it were all a lie, then why in the world would most folks come back to it by middle age, even those who were the most rebellious in their youth? If there is truly a lie here, it's the nonsense this guy is spouting – quite likely for fame and fortune at our expense.

  16. I've seen studies that show roughly 50% of men and women lean towards monogamy and roughly 50% lean more towards polyamory/cheating/having less structured relationships. So I believe it's completely natural for some people to be monogamous, and it's completely natural for some people to be polyamorous. I feel like honesty, and knowing yourself, is important, to be able to have those discussions openly with a potential partner, and to also be reasonable in knowing that things can change over the years, and to keep the lines of communication open.

  17. Omg… I'm uber conservative and I totally love you and your thoughtful, insightful and practical advice. So glad to have found you.

  18. I'm in a open relationship after discussion with my partner and sometimes I have discovered that Asian gay men often still hold strongly the heteronormative monogamous ideas about a partner. Sometimes aggressively told by these people what I'm doing is wrong and my partner must not love me also if he agrees with a open relationship like they know how we work better than ourselves.

  19. I was going to say that I didn't think I agreed with the general premise here, that people can't control themselves in the face of strong urges. I was going to say that a person who exercises self control is of higher character and integrity and that people can take responsibility for themselves and aspire to and achieve higher levels of character and integrity by choosing to exercise self control.

    But you know what, I don't think I actually believe that. I do think it's important to take some time to decide how you really feel about a particular urge you might have, for a while, before you indulge it. But I think maybe I think that a person with a strong, well established addiction (whether the addiction is good or bad is an entirely separate question), can't actually get themselves out of it.

    I think maybe the reality is that they have to be faced with some kind of external force before they can do it. For example, a drunkard may actually be physically incapable of getting themselves out of their alcohol addiction until their wife says "If I ever see you drunk again, you'll never see me again." Then they might be able to.

    So I think it may be that rapists aren't actually responsible for raping – we're all responsible for making sure the consequences of raping are severe enough that people who suffer the urge to do it are able to resist that urge.

  20. When we allow ourselves to play..we allow our partners this its fucking epic..x..also..psst..if you aint a bit aint having fun!..x

  21. We've been conditioned to think that "cheating" is a terrible "sin" because we've hung onto that one aspect of what was once a relationship of ownership and property and not of love. (Even the WORD "cheating" is a choice to be negative, greedy, and punitive.) Back when a husband basically owned his wife and children, monogamy was key because otherwise he could not be sure of whose progeny he was raising. But in a relationship that has nothing to do with that, a relationship where the couple is supposedly in it freely and of their own choosing, that ironclad rule no longer makes sense. The relationship becomes hidebound and restrictive, and that's something that love should never be. If you're so insecure that you can't trust that your spouse could have an affair and not love you any less, than you probably shouldn't be with that person – not because they "sinned", but because you can't forgive. Forgiveness is key to a relationship, and if you don't have it in you, then you shouldn't be with anyone until you learn to unclench and stop treating your partner like property, and start treating them like equal human beings.

  22. The study of human sexuality is arguably not merely 80 years old as stated in the talk, but begins in the late 19th century. Prominent names in sexual research are for examples Havelock Ellis and Magnus Hirschfeld, who both begin empirical inquiries into sexual behavior during the 1890s. Darwin is already talking about "sex" as a topic of scientific inquiry in the 1870s (earlier treatment of what we now call sex was often viewed not as a medical/scientific subject but as a moral, religious, or legal subject – as "sin", "the flesh", part of the rites of marriage, or the privileges of the (male) aristocracy vis a vis their serfs – and so arguably we are not talking about "sex" in the contemporary framing before the 19th century). Thought about gender and sexuality are common enough in the mid to late 19th century that women's rights to control their own reproductive lives and have an equal say in their partnerships with men is one of the central topics of the Paris Commune of 1871. This suggests that the beginnings of contemporary "sexual research" can be located easily 150 years ago. Leondardo da Vinci's "Coition of a Hemisected Man and Woman", is a diagram of sexual intercourse dated 1492. Suggesting we might look for the roots of contemporary sexual research in the Italian Renaissance.

    Hey, and don't shit (haw-haw) on coprophilia. It is okay to do stuff that doesn't kill anyone or do stuff that is not non-consensual.

  23. He is talking about Kundalini…which can be re-directed into full body, OR manifestations. When sexual energy is not directed it turns into perversion…so essentially these people want more perversion with sex. Doesn't mean turning gay…or having intercourse all the time. I would not let go of the foot guy!

  24. Thank you for a good talk, I'm glad we can learn something from gay people–we have so much to learn from our differences!

    I really appreciate that you respect monogamy even though you haven't been mostly monogamous. When I was younger I was made fun of for being uptight, prudish. I no longer take it as an insult, I AM prudish! I need monogamy! This is how I am and I'm not apologizing for it anymore.

    We're all different, you do what makes you happy–and please let me do what makes me happy. I want to see you happy and I don't need others to be like me to achieve happiness. I only need to be myself. Please be yourself too.

  25. i remember watching the show Mistresses and one of the guys had high heels fetish and i was just thinking to myself "if she breaks up with him because of THAT, then the writers are beyond stupid"

  26. Dan do not feed the hate trolls preach love and unity no matter if you are Christian or gay or athiest or agnostic or a maga supporter or if you are pro abortion or if you are pro life it should not matter at all. Demanding things of people won't help you at al will it? You can't demand respect and expect to get it reap what you sow means you sow love you get love you sow hate you get hate. Just a thought.

  27. I'm in a long term non-monogamous relationship, and we tell the other person when we are seeing someone else, because I (in particular) get somewhat jealous if I find out afterwards (days, weeks, months etc.) that my partner has been with someone and I didn't know about it. I can't stand duplicitous behaviour – it really messes with my head. However, if I know about an encounter before or right after, I feel perfectly fine. 😛

  28. I can't take you seriously, Dan, when you threw bisexuality under the bus- you copped out and defended gay men using the label as a stepping stone to coming out. You also lack empathy, in my book.

    Come at me, haters. I find Dan Savage despicable.

  29. I was raised by hippy parents. I had no concept of "The One". Now, after 7 years with my wife, I feel she is beyond concept of "The One". She is amazing and I'm extraordinarily lucky. I get why folks should settle for .64, but it is possible to have a partner that exceeds any preconceptions of what a partner could be.

  30. I totally disagree that gay men are better at talking about sex or that it’s easy after telling your parents. All too often gay men aren’t out the closet, or they often don’t talk at all in casual encounters depending on the venue, and the worst part of it is that too many gay men are really fucked up by their upbringing…

  31. You're an unqualified asshole. If someone cheats you will NEVER trust them again. That's human nature. If we were not meant to be monogamous it wouldn't devastate us when betrayed. MMA GLOVES ANYWHERE ANYTIME. NO THREAT . JUST WOULD LOVE TO GO A FEW ROUNDS.

  32. You were looking at the Christian Bible, but there is a movie out that talks on that his college go to help them to put it on the net to make sure that we will not lose the hand work of the past on the net. But he look at the oldest Bible he could find and in the New Testament all the hate was not there. By reading and getting to know Jesus in the New Testament and listening to his words, you can tell that the word are not Jesus’s. I knew that hate was added later. I think we are a test of thinning the herd. How will be going to heaven or hell. We are being used as a test. And I do not know why we stop seeing that the Bible uses man kind, not man, that means man and woman. God in his word did not see a difference, so he used man kind.

  33. Cheating is okay for gay men, I guess, coz they don’t have to be responsible for wives and kids. They don’t build families, that is, they don’t build future generations. What it means is that they have no implicit social contract with our past, present and future society. They’re too busy living in the gym anyway, I mean, look at his body. Think how much of his life energy would be diverted into building his body.

  34. FYI….BOTH men AND women release prolactin, serotonin and vasopressin. The difference is that often men achieve orgasm or ejaculation consistently with little to no regard of helping the woman achieve one, so naturally, the man will fall asleep more often. This phenomenon does not make men non-monogamists, but rather selfish. There’s a focus on getting to the end/climax instead of enjoying the sexual encounter and exploring each other.

  35. This guy is an idiot. Yeah, sure, who cares if your significant other decides to cheat for the most vapid reasons imaginable (boils down to I want to fuck my personal trainer). So this is what it's like to be a beneficiary in a culture where no one gives a shit about anything? Where you try to justify you breaking your woes just so you could get that rush of pleasure hormones. If it works for you, fine, but don't try to look for virtue in your actions. Doesn't surprise me that these days celibacy, virginity is frowned upon and cucking, whoring is celebrated as some sort of expression of freedom.

  36. Lots of wonderful insights. But I disagree about monogamy & being faithful. Gay men are much more promiscuous…so monogamy may be harder for them.

  37. This is just a load of manure! It's pure fallacy to compare an honest mistake to a willful & intentional decision to break someone's trust and their heart.

  38. Read savage love yesterday about woman with herpes and he gave such beautiful advice. Dan Savage has contributed to humanity in a good way.

  39. What really pisses me off about any study of sexuality within a patriarchal society that feels empowered to attribute something like "women are so loud in sex" to attract another mate or mates after her first partner has cum, rolled over and fallen asleep. First of all men I have known are louder than me. I had to learn to be expressive in order to be more attractive to my partners. And I know I'm not alone in that because my friend told me one of her partners told her sex would be "better if you move". You see, in a patriarchy women have no agency with sex a lot of the time. We do what we are told to please our partners because that is what we are taught to do in life. In my entire life of about 22 penis in vagina sex partners (and no count on how many partners I've given head to, they cum in my mouth and I swallow, because that was what I did in order to appease a guy to not rape me, and was still raped three times anyway) I had only one partner who cared enough about me to try and help me reach orgasm with him. One partner out of a 36 years of partners. My ex husband who was the loudest sex partner, he screamed in my ear when he orgasmed; and he had such a long list of things I had to do to turn him on that I never, never, never came even close to orgasm. After many times of asking him to help me reach orgasm he finally told me "That's your problem." That's when I knew I was alone. So please spare me all this garbage about women are louder than men and that proves women are not monogamous –because believe me, when you live in a patriarchy, there is no way to study how men and women act outside of a patriarchy.

  40. Are you saying that sex is your god? I thought civilization might've got a bit more enlightened by 2019. Love is Love & I'm happy with my soul mate that I've known over 20 years. He's my best friend & I don't round him up, I don't try to change him. We all have the proverbial clay feet & it's normal & healthy to accept our best friend with all their foibles. Do we really have to change our partner?

  41. Just because monogamy did not work for you does not mean it would be the same to others. I pity this guy truly. Shame he is being praised as a role model. WTH?. Well Dan Savage I have been with my Bf for almost 5 yrs and I am 26 yrs old and we are in a monogamous relationship. So do not tell me it does not work because it clearly does. Not everyone wants to be a slut and fuck everything that walks.

  42. Being a lesbian Ive noticed usually what we like is a conversation that can be had while fucking…hahah I swear shes between my legs biting my thigh asking if im okay with or want to try X or O mid way though I get to say I dont want this or stop that…roll with it without harm. My experience.

  43. Mr Savage does his own thinking. Not only that, he can substantiate his thoughts and positions with clarity and substance, especially when he says something that jars our existence. I have also questioned "normal" social norms and how people accept these things never having thought about them or chosen them either.

  44. "We are not there on the gender pay gap."
    My boss is a woman.
    My female coworker just got promoted
    and 2 nights out of the week I do twice as much work as her.
    Men do all the heavy lifting and dangerous work; the gender pay gap isn't real.
    Search "Jordan Peterson" to get educated.
    Hope this doesn't get censored by some liberal left,silicone valley algorithm.

  45. I'm still ROFLMAO!! A bathhouse is just a Whorehouse staffed by volunteers 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤯🤯 And, nice fucking guns Dan! woof woof

  46. All of what Dan says make some sense. However, he's arguing based on the assumption that 2 people are already in a relationship. I am curious just how those 2 person even decided to begin a relationship if they live like that.

  47. 27:11 – Who the fuck is asking a woman to act like a man… For the love of god ladies please don't listen to this bullshit (especially advice from a gay guy). After all the hype, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but the LAST thing this country needs is more "women" attempting to act like "men…"

  48. What's the difference between an open "relationship" and a hookup, friends with benefits type of thing……the whole point to a relationship is that its EXCLUSIVE. You can't have your cake and eat it too. This guy wants to cash in on the obvious emotional benefits of a relationship by claiming that enjoying the pleasures of instant gratification can be done under the rubric of a "relationship". You wanna have fun and "explore" and satisfy every impulse you have by sleeping with as many people as you can….fine, live and let live…..but don't confuse the meaning and nature of a relationship by claiming to subscribe to one… And also dont demand for me to pay for your "free" therapy when you realize how pathetic, sad and miserably lonely you are, once you hit your late 40s.

  49. I realize he's trying to be funny, but, why is it ok for him to generalize straight people at EVERY turn?? So fucking infuriating… Not all straight people are ANYTHING! Same thing goes for ALL gay people. It's super fucking offensive and I'm fucking tired of it.

  50. "We are committed and loyal to monogomy to such an extent that we are not committed and disloyal to the people we've married." Powerful words.

  51. Has this talk helped you open your mind on how you judge love ? Share your thoughts, we'd love to hear them 😃 For more transformational education with the world’s best teachers. Sign up for Mindvalley Mentoring and get access NOW 👉

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