[ ♪ ♪ ]>>Lawrence: What the fuck?!>>Bruce: I don’t know! [ slams ]>>Lawrence: Come on! This is your dream. What are you doing?!>>James: Lawrence, you need to shut->>Lawrence: Fuck off! Guess what? Talking Stalkings. Here we go. Here’s a boat. [ ♪ ♪ ]
>>James: WHAT?! [ ♪ ♪ ]
>>Bruce: He started it. [ ♪ ♪ ]
>>James: He started it. Uh oh. [ ♪ ♪ ]
>>Bruce: Adam, he started it. [ ♪ ♪ ]
>>Adam: Alright. Fuck! [ loud slams ]>>Elyse: What?! No! Lawrence, you’re going to fucking ruin this. We have to properly intro this!>>James: Hey, guys! Uh, uh, Funhaus here. Uh, you may- What are you doing? I didn’t tell you to start.>>Bruce: Don’t start the show!>>James: Hey, guys! Um… So Funhaus here. As you know, uh… You may know us from the Dude Soup Podcast. Which Lawrence helms.
[laughter] & I have been watching him for the last 2 years thinking, “Man, I wish I had a podcast, too.” So I’m starting one today! It’s called, Talking Stalkings! Where we watch an episode of Silk Stalkings, &… that’s about where it begins. We’re going to tell you how you can watch along! Episode 1. Season 1. We’re going to tell you when to start it. In 3… 2… 1… [ snap ] [ Lawrence sighs ]>>Bones: Here we go.>>Bruce: Turn that shit up. Turn it up.
>>James: Episode 1. Thank, uh…>>Adam: I think it’s playing for people.>>James: I have- Yeah, it does. It is.>>Bruce: It’s fine. It’s fine.>>James: I have- So I have with me, Lawrence Sonntag.>>Bruce: Turn it up!
>>James: He’s our resident Silk Stalkings Expert.>>Bruce: TURN IT UP!>>James: Adam Kovic. Resident Silk Stalkings Expert. Omarcito. Resident->>Lawrence: Oh… My bad.>>James: -Silk Stalkings Expert.>>Bruce: We stopped it & started it again!>>James: Elyse Willems. Wife / Resident Expert of Silk Stalkings.>>Elyse: Never seen it, but Expert.>>James: Bones, here. He’s a Resident of Silk Stalkings Expert. He may be the only one out of all of us who’s ever seen it.>>Bones: I have seen it!>>James: And Bruce Greene. Uh, my personal Resident Silk Stalkings Expert. [ laughter ]>>James: My name is James Willems, & I’ll be your Resident Silk Stalkings Expert. Welcome to Talking Stalkings. [ ♪ ♪ ]>>Adam: Can I skip the intro?>>James: No, no. Absolutely not.>>Lawrence: Absolutely not. Mic noise is is also part of it.>>James: Um, so…>>Elyse: Oh. She’s got… a lot of hair.>>James: Let me give you a little backstory about Silk Stalkings. Now, Silk Stalkings used to air on USA.>>Bruce: BORING!>>James: So this is already more than I’ve ever seen of an entire episode. I’ve seen the intro a thousand times.>>Bones: You’re talking over the exposition.>>Bruce: Yeah, you gotta stop it.>>James: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t- The exposition doesn’t matter.>>Bruce: Stop it!>>Bones: It was on CBS’ Crimetime and Primetime for two seasons, by the way.>>Elyse: Thanks, Poindexter!>>Bones: Before moving to USA Network->>Bruce: NERD!>>James: You provide any useful information about this show, I will kick you off it. [ laughter ] I’d like to thank MVMT Watches.>>Bruce: They don’t sponsor this!>>James: The thing about this show->>Adam: Yeah. [ “Ooh”s ] We’re so close! [ “Ooh”s ]>>Elyse: Aw, no crack! Take it back!>>Bruce: Oh! Maybe boobs. [ laughs ]>>Bones: That is great.>>Adam: Wait, but it’s a dead body, so you have to feel bad about it.>>Bones: I don’t- I don’t feel bad at all.>>James: Um, Stephen J. Cannell… People don’t know.. him, but he wrote actually the first episode of Silk Stalkings. So that’s a fun fact about him.>>Bruce: Guys, we need to hear the story.>>Lawrence: Oh, sure.>>Adam: No, you don’t.>>Actor: “We got a silk stalkings.”>>Adam: Why is she at a dutch angle?>>Bones: Did he just say, “We have a silk stalkings”?>>James: “Silk stalking” is actually an official criminology term. [ laughter ]>>Elyse: Is his blazer the color of his shirt?>>James: Yeah, it was tradition back in the time to wear your blazer to match the ocean.>>Lawrence: Especially if you are on camera scenes involving your blazer shot against the ocean.>>Bruce: I don’t- I can’t hear a thing!>>Elyse: Is that Lara Flynn Boyle?>>Bruce: No, that’s not Lara Flynn Boyle. She’s a star! [ laughter ]
>>Lawrence: The rocker dial is at max, so the volume->>Bones: This is an hour and 14 minutes long?! [ all talking ]>>James: I’d like to thank glass! This episode was represented by glass.>>Lawrence: The manufacturing of glass. Sure. I’ll just->>Adam: Oh! Fuck! God fucking shit! Fuck!>>James: Well… Hey, if we got through one episode of Talking Stalkings without an incident.. then I’d be surprised. The real thing about Talking Stalkings, the thing that makes this podcast unique amongst all others, is it’s a test! It’s a test to see who can last.>>Omar: Yeah, who would make it the whole way through?>>James: Hey, Bruce. Could you throw us the Talking Stalkings fact of the week?>>Bruce: Uh, yeah. A little known fact about Silk Stalkings episode 1, I just farted.>>Lawrence: How many people can attest to->>Bones: Jesus, Bruce!
[ Bruce laughing ]>>Lawrence: -farting at exactly this time at SE101 of Silk Stalkings?>>Elyse: It’s 6:25… We have like 45 minutes left of this…>>Omar: Hell, more than that!>>Lawrence: Mixing blue & orange? Very- Very tight composition of shots.>>James: They only had two lights on set. One was blue & one was orange.>>Elyse: She’s just wearing a bra under her blazer!>>Bones: Yeah, she is!>>Elyse: Wow! I wish I lived in Stilk Stalkings.>>James: Is the era of women in blazers over?>>Bones: Yes.>>Lawrence: No. Absolutely not! No!>>Bruce: No! It’s never over!>>Lawrence: Nooo!>>Bruce: What does Lawrence have to say?>>Lawrence: I- I would say that.. women.. embrace the… shield upon..>>Bones: Why is everything blue?!>>James: Uh! Lawrence is speaking. Please. One panelist at a time.>>Lawrence: Thank you! I am speaking.>>James: Otherwise, this becomes a shit show. Go ahead, Lawrence.>>Lawrence: Says the blue is the nonsexual shield? And the orange is the warmth. It’s a humanity.>>Bruce: Don’t you have to go to a concert?>>James: Alright, I’m gonna go ahead & interrupt here. It seems like he’s talking about something else entirely. We’re talking about blazers.>>Bruce: Lawrence, it’s 6:30. Don’t you have to go to a concert?>>Lawrence: I have to pull out my phone.>>Elyse: Lawrence, you have to leave right now.>>James: There’s a segment in every Talking Stalkings episode where Lawrence has to leave, so… [ laughter ] We’re going to do the segment where Lawrence gives his final thoughts.>>Lawrence: Everyone’s tellin’ me to go, so I will.>>Bones: Nooo! Lawrence, I want you to stay!>>Elyse: We don’t want you to go, but it’s->>Lawrence: No, it’s ok.>>Elyse: It’s a segment!
>>Bruce: No, Lawrence, we were worried!>>Lawrence: It’s ok. No, it’s ok. Everybody wants me to leave, so fuck you guys.>>Omar: Here we go again.
>>Bones: Aww!>>Elyse: Lawrence, it’s a segment where you leave.>>Bruce: No, Lawrence, you don’t need to leave.>>James: Lawrence Sonntag, everybody. Thanks for joining us, Lawrence.>>Bruce: Lawrence, your glasses. Your glasses, Lawrence. Your glasses, Lawrence.>>Bones: Glasses!>>Adam: Can I watch Stalking Talkings in VR?>>Bones: No.>>James: No, they actually didn’t- That was considered.>>Bones: There you go, Bruce.>>James: It was definitely something they wanted to do.>>Elyse: Oh, boy. He’s- He’s really gettin’ in there.>>Adam: Whoooa!>>James: You’re over the wire. Under->>Adam: It’s in VR!>>James: Fun fact about Silk Stalkings is that the creator of the show->>Bruce: It smells- It smells like vomit! [ laughter ]>>James: He considered a scratch & sniff element to the show. [ laughter & Bruce gagging ] Where you would watch the show, & also smell it at the same time. If you’re watching in home, she just closed the door. [ laughter ] Here’s another fun fact about Silk Stalkings, Um, once the show wrapped, everyone involved in the production went on to nothing.>>Elyse: Question about Silk Stalkings, when can we go home?>>James: When can we go home? Uh, in… Let’s take a quick look at that time code. About an hour!>>Bruce: An hour! [ laughs ]>>James: Are you playing Bloodborne in VR?>>Adam: Well… no.>>Bruce: It smells like vomit again.>>Bones: Hey, I didn’t burp!>>Bruce: It was him.>>Adam: I burped.>>James: Here’s a fun fact about Adam Kovic.>>Adam: Yeah?>>James: He’s dying from the inside out. [ laughter ]>>Bones: What?>>James: Did you say, “Hippogriff”?>>Adam: Yeah!>>Bruce: Like from Harry Potter.>>Adam: What? Why is->>James: This show inspired J. K. Rowling to write Harry Potter.>>Bruce: I didn’t know that!>>James: Yeah. She was a big fan. So, basically what they’re doing here is they’re showing two unlikely… um… two unlikely people->>Bruce: Is that a Jacuzzi?>>James: Well, in the ’80s it was unclear what was & wasn’t a Jacuzzi.>>Bruce: Do you see the free weights?>>James: Because in this time period people took care of their bodies.>>Bones: James, do you even bother with the top row?>>James: Absolutely not. [ Bruce laughs ] Elyse, why don’t you own a suit like that?>>Bones: Seriously.>>Elyse: Because I already have very broad shoulders for my size.>>Bones: What’re you talking about?!>>James: I know, but in the ’80s->>Bones: You are so tiny!>>James: In the ’80s & early ’90s it was all about being as broad as you can be.>>Bruce: And shoulder pads! Shoulder pads would be flattering on you.>>Bones: The ’80s was all about the most leg with the least boob.>>James: That is Hardbodies.>>Bruce: And the most camel toe.>>James: Have you ever seen the film, Hardbodies?>>Bruce & Bones: No.>>Bruce: Why?>>James: I’m almost tempted to turn off this &- [ all exclaiming ] I won’t though! I won’t! I- [ ♪ Krak – Hardbodies Theme ♪ ]
♪ look at the way sun makes the way ♪ [ ♪ Krak – Hardbodies Theme ♪ ]
♪ how can you leave that->>Bruce: That’s definitely a man! Twist!>>Elyse: No…
>>Adam & Bruce: No, that’s a woman.>>Bruce: Never mind.>>Adam: She just looks like Ron Perlman.
[ laughter ]>>James: That’s the thing, though! That’s the thing about the late ’80s or early as ’90s, it didn’t matter! [ laughter ]>>Adam: Wait.>>James: And all the chairs went all the way back!>>Bones: All people do is sprawl in this show.>>James: Everything was a couch. That’s what I loved about the ’80s. Everything was a couch.>>Actress: “So I have to admit, I did enjoy that little diversion with the handcuffs.”>>Adam: Is that a foreign accent?>>Bruce: No, it’s not.>>Bones: It’s a fake British accent.>>James: It’s a Transatlantic accent.>>Bruce: That was the first line I’ve actually heard fully. [ laughter ]
>>James: Well, what- what she say?>>Bruce: I don’t remember. [ laughter ]>>James: I like that someone made a porno without any sex in it, & they said, “Yeah, let’s run this for 8 seasons.”>>Adam: I’ve never had 8 of anything.>>Elyse: Just STDs.>>James: Nice! Nice!>>Elyse: What? No, no, no!>>Bones: No, I need two high fives.>>Elyse: We have to protect him! We have to protect him!
>>James: That’s the Silk Stalkings word of the week!>>James: Buzz buzz buzz buzz.
[ Bruce laughs ]>>Elyse: We lost a lot of great people to AIDS.>>James: Like, uh…>>Adam: Name 3.>>James: Woody Harrelson. Uh, Matthew McConaughey.>>Bruce: Freddie Mercury.>>Adam: Chuck Taylor.>>James: Freddie Mercury. Though he didn’t admit it. [ laughter ]
Um… He took that to his grave.>>Bruce: Earvin “Magic” Johnson!>>James: Earvin “Magic” Johnson.
>>Bones: Confirmed bachelor, Freddie Mercury.>>Adam: He’s still alive.>>Elyse: Can I- Can I do some real talk right now, you guys?>>James: Yeah, go ahead. This is- Hold on, real quick. I’ll toss it to you. Uhhh, this is the, uh, a segment that you guys probably know & you probably love, & took to on Talking Stalkings. It’s called, “Reel Talk With Elyse”. [ ♪ ♪ ]>>Elyse: When I think of Robin Williams being dead… It makes me sad every day. [ ♪ ♪ ] Why are they both wearing red?>>Bruce: Because!>>James: That’s a direct correal decision.>>Bruce: Hold on. No, no. Red is sexual. You know that.>>Omar: Well, also, they’ve been wearing the same colors the entire episode.>>Bruce: She’s wearing red lipstick, because that means it’s sexy.>>James: Look at his collar & where it’s folded, it looks like a vagina.>>Adam: That guy is a good actor.>>Elyse [ muffled ]: No, he’s not.>>Bruce: Are you eating bread again?>>Adam: When does the action pick up?>>James: Action? Uh, fun fact, in the early ’90s you could not buy a Jeep with a roof. So what happens here is they go to a party. That’s, uh, not Mark Harmon. But…>>Bruce: Marc Summers.>>James: This guy actually stalked Mark Harmon for 6 weeks. [ laughter ] I’m sure you’re curious to this point why every single shot appears crooked. [ laughter ] The cinematographer Jean-Pierre Jean-Pierre couldn’t afford a tripod.>>All: Oh…>>James: And so he eyeballed it, but turns out he has crooked eyeballs.>>Bruce [ laughing ]: Oh, shit.>>James: That he got from AIDS. [ laughter ] Who’s the guy from, um…>>Adam: American Pie?>>James: He looks like Gary Sinise, but old?>>Elyse: Gary Sinise?>>James: All of the lines for this show were improvised on set.>>Bruce: Wow!>>Adam: As there was no script at the time.>>James: There was no script at the time.>>Bruce: It was directed by Judd Apatow.>>James: Do you ever look at a woman & say, “If she can have a baby, I should be able to have one too”?>>Bones: I’ve never said that.
>>Bruce: No, I’ve never said that.>>Bones: Nope.>>James: Just like anatomically?>>Bones: Not even a little.>>Elyse: I have. [ laughter ]>>Bones: Oh, no! Elyse is in the chat.>>Bruce: Is she playing Battlefield?>>James: Elyse, this isn’t time for chat interaction.>>Elyse: But this show sucks!>>James: We should name this show… Stalkingshaus. [ laughter ]>>Bruce: Have you ever thought about that there should be a scissoring scene, but with balls & cock? So, the balls would just be like->>Bones: That would just hurt!>>Bruce: Th-th-th-th-th-th- They should be slamming against each other & entwining.>>James: I think if- It’d be p- too painful.>>Bruce: No…>>Adam: For who? You?>>James: I guess if you get an erection the balls tighten.>>Bruce: Yeah, everything sucks it back up, & then you scissor.>>James: Yeah, but there’s no sensory nerves down there.>>Bruce: Yeah, there are. What are you joking?! You ever touched your perineum?>>James: Is that where you’re rubbing, though?>>Bruce: YEAH!>>James: There’s two penises, & they’re both kinda->>Bruce: Yeah, they’re like this.>>James: Up & flopped backwards, & then you’re rubbing your->>Bruce: Yeah, you’re slammin’ your balls & perineums against each other.>>James: And then for the next 40 minutes we sit silently. [ laughter ] That’s the segment of the show. Thank you Shari’s Berries. [ laughter ] Do you think- Do you think this guy got the call, right? They got a call from his agent, & they said, “You got the part.” And he went- Do you think he went like this? “Yes!”>>Bruce: Yeah. Absolutely, he did. And they made Union rates back then. It was like $300 a day. [ laughter ]>>James: He’s like, “I can put a down payment on that house!” [ laughter ]>>Bruce: Boom!>>James: Have you ever seen the stuff like the end scenes of The Matrix?>>Bruce: Yeah.>>James: Where they show Keanu Reeves like learning martial arts for like 8 months just to prepare for the role?>>Bruce: Right. What? Ok. Alright.
>>James: He watched The Matrix. [ laughter ] He’s seen it. He likes that movie.>>Bones: Bruce, this is what we were supposed to masturbate to in the ’90s?>>Bruce: What do you mean “supposed to”? I did! I could jerk off to what she just did. She bent over.>>Bones: I jerked off more to Weird Science than I did to this.>>James: Weird Science was a good show!>>Bones: I know it was a good show!>>Omar: The TV show or the movie?>>Bones: The- Well, both! But especially the TV show!>>James: Maybe put on the Weird Talking Science.>>Bruce: Alright, but that’s up to you. You can change it. You’re the host.>>James: Maybe. We’ll see where we get on this, & then maybe we’ll put on an episode of Weird Science.>>Bruce: Why are they in their investigation clothes at the beach?>>James: Uh oh!>>Actress: “I’m in Room 615 at the Hilton. Call me, gorgeous.”>>James: BOOM!>>Bruce: Wow! That was easy!>>Bones: That was alright.>>James: See? It’s basically a documentary. [ laughter ]>>Bones: This feels like the end. I think they just mashed two episodes together.>>Bruce: Well, hold on. Maybe there’s some extra features.>>James: It’s just your classic Silk Stalkings.>>Omar: Now you watch the whole thing backwards so you can see all the hidden messages. [ clapping ]
>>Elyse: Oh, wow…>>James: Thanks, guys! Thanks for watching Talking Stalkings.>>Bruce: It’s not over yet!>>James: The name of this next podcast is called, Beard Science. ‘Cause Bruce has the beard.>>Bruce: We’re going to watch season 4 episode 21. [ laughter ]
>>James: That’s a good episode!>>Frankenstein’s monster: “You make man?”>>Frankenstein: “No. Woman.”>>Bones: Bye, Elyse. [ ♪ Oingo Boingo – Weird Science ♪ ]>>Bruce: Don’t you want to do an intro? Don’t you want to do an intro?>>James: Hey, guys! Uh, we’re moving on to, uh, episode 1 of Beard Science. Where we will watch every episode of Weird Science. And, um… [ ♪ Oingo Boingo – Weird Science ♪ ]>>Bruce: John Landis.>>Bones: What?!>>Bruce: Executive Producers John Landis! Adam!>>Adam: What’s up?>>Bruce: John Landis executive produced this!>>Adam: Was the murderer on the site?>>Bones: I watched most of these episodes when I was a teenager.>>James: It’s weird to think that we were masturbating at the same time.>>Bones: Wasn’t that great? The entire USA Network in the ’90s was about helping guys jerk off.>>James: Well, almost jerk off.>>Bruce: Yeah, they never help- OH SHIT!>>Bones: WHOA>>James: So now is the point where you’re trying to masturbate. There’s actually more male nudity in this show than there is female nudity. We need more of this. Less Breaking Bad! [ laughter ] I don’t need an Emmy! I need a boner! Next week we’re going to move on to season 4 episode 21 Strange Daze part 2!>>Lawrence: You guys, should we run through the rules real quick?>>Bruce: Yeah, go for it.
>>Adam: Yeah.>>Lawrence: Ok, so here’s the idea, uh, in Bowser Party all 4 members are in a stupid little cart, & then they all hit dice, & then they roll forward, & then Bowser takes a turn & chases them.>>Bruce: So you are Bowser, & we are the 4 members.>>Lawrence: If I catch you, then we play a mini game where I’m trying to kill you.>>Bruce: Yeah.>>Lawrence: And, for every mini game we play where I-