Swapping the Most Embarrassing Moments Ever – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

– It is September 11th. I guess we should
probably talk about that. – [Tom] (chuckles) Yeah. – It’s been 17 years. – Damn, that’s crazy.
– 17. – If a child was born on September 11th, they’ve been able to drive for a year. – [Tom] They can almost smoke
– They’re like what happened? – Yeah, they can almost smoke,
but they still can’t smoke. – They’re almost too old to have sex with. (laughing) (upbeat rock music) – I was in my senior year of
high school and it was like first period, whatever,
it was my first period. – Nice. (group laughing) – Yes, bleeding for the first time, I think it probably was around that time and I just, we were reading King Lear and it was the scene where
his eyes get poked out and I remember my teacher,
Mrs. Larson, being like, “Today is like a rough day, “because we’re gonna
be reading about, like, “this really gnarly scene that happens “and I just wanna prepare you for it,” and then I heard the intercom just like, and we didn’t get announcements,
until after second period, so I heard the intercom
go, like I heard it turn on and I remember in that moment, being like, something
fucking serious happened, just hearing a, clunk, like that and then my best friend’s
dad, who was our principal, got over and was like,
“Teachers, turn on your TVs,” and I remember I was the same as you, Tom, we turned it on and I go
“What’s the World Trade Center?” – Yeah.
– And I remember Mrs. Larson going like, “You don’t know
what the World Trade Center,” and I remember being, – [Tom] Yeah.
– like that became my, like mourning, that was my emotion, it was like being shamed, – [Tom] Yeah, yeah.
– about not knowing. I didn’t know what it was. – [Tom] Like when you call
your teacher Mommy on accident. (group laughing) – Do people do that? – [Matt B] Oh, yeah.
– I did. – Mommy?
– What do you mean? – I called my gym teacher Mommy. – You did that?
– No way! Wait a second, that is your 9/11? – I was doing sit ups and my
gym teacher said something, I was like “Mommy, I need to, oh no, no!” – Oh, my God, Tom. – Welcome to what we’re
gonna make fun of you for for the rest of school.
– That is so– – Mommy.
– That’s a common thing though, like I have teacher
friends, that are like, “I get called Mom at
least like once a month.” – Yeah. – Yeah, but when the other
kids don’t see it that way. – Oh, of course not. – By the way, Mommy,
– Oh yeah. – is so much worse than Mom,
– Right. – I mean, Mommy? – [Tom] (laughing) Yeah. – I think that’s why you use
Mommy as a joke so often, because it’s like something
that really stuck out to you. – [Tom] Yeah.
– That is so humiliating. – I know.
– Yeah. – Do people still hit you
up on Facebook, hey Mommy? – No, I cut all of those
people out of my life. – Okay, good for you. – Oh, my God. – Everyone in that gym
has died slowly over time, methodically one by one.
– Then I put in 30,000. – [Nikki] The Mommy Murders.
– There’s like a weird serial killer. (laughing) – You carve Mommy on their corpse. – I can totally see this on Dateline. – Oh, my God, I wanna talk about more embarrassing moments like that, because that just like
really tickled my soul. I’m sure that you guys have them as well. – Ah-huh.
– We’ll get to more, if you’ve done something so embarrassing, like I wanna hear your most, if you’ve got an embarrassing story, that is literally the
most embarrassing thing, like try to top saying Mommy, calling your gym teacher
Mommy in what grade? – Probably like, I was
probably in 1st or 2nd grade. – Oh, okay, that’s not
as bad as what I thought. – I think it’s still pretty bad, it might have been 3rd.
– I’ll take 7th or 8th. – Yeah.
– Yeah, it was around. – Nevermind Tom jeez. – It was my college gym. – Yeah I, mean, if you
have something to top that, please call into the show at 844-COMEDY9. We’ll be back after this. And we’re back with more show. We’re talking embarrassing
moments on the show today. Matt Fulchiron you got one for us. – Yeah I was 19 and I
came back from lunch, I was in college, and I went to my dorm and I was walking into my
door and these three girls were like “Oh, there he is, “I can’t believe you’re
showing your face tonight.”, and I was like what are you talking about? They’re like “You don’t remember?”, and I’m like, No, and they’re like, “You walked in our room last
night, we were all hanging out, “you opened up the laundry
box, with the lid on it, “and pissed in the laundry box, “and then like, fucking
closed it and walked out.”. Cause it was right where the toilet in my parent’s bathroom was. It was like sleep walking. – Oh, dammmmn. – It was like the first week of school. – Oh no, that’s always so
humiliating when that’s your– – I ended up being friends with ’em. They didn’t care that much. But now I think it’s sexual assault. – Well, probably is. I hope the statute of
limitations is up on that. Yeah, but in that moment
you were like the worst. What did you say? – I didn’t believe them. – Right. Are you a sleepwalker?
– No! – Are you a sleep pisser?
– No! – Were you drunk? – You’ve never done that before? – Ah, I had about three beers. I don’t think that’s ever drunk. – So you were wasted. – Yeah.
– Maybe. I mean possibly.
– Yeah. – I weighed a lot less then. But three beers, I don’t know. – That’s wild. – I think that’s sleepwalking. – Yeah that’s sleepwalking. – Yeah it’s gotta be sleepwalking. Mike Baldwin do you have
an embarrassing story? – Yes (group laughing) I was probably 21 or 22
and there was a girl named Jessica McDaniel, who I
went to high school with, and I had a crush on her
since like freshman year, and never did anything
with her or anything, until this one night, when I’m 21 or 22, we’re at this party, I
don’t remember where it was, I remember it was a brick
house and I’m like sitting on the porch and I’d been
drinking tequila all night long, and she’d been drinking
something apparently, because it came up, and she was like “Do you wanna
just make out or something?” And I was like , oh, yes, and we started making
out for like 5 seconds and then I just like
immediately started crying. And I was like I’ve just had
a crush on you for so long. – What? – And she, just like the look
on her face of like wow dude, and then me crying made me cry more, and I’m like I don’t know why I’m crying. – Oh my god, you poor thing. – I still think about it at
least once a week and cringe, – Oh no, you do?
– at how awkward it was. – Does it make your whole body tense up? – It sure does. – Cause I do that at least
once a day. (gasping) Oh my god, that happened. – [Nikki] Yeah.
– Oh no! – Oh shit I just thought of one. – [Nikki] Oh you got one? – It’s one, I forgot , I
tweeted this the other day, but it was during a breakup, (group laughing) so it wasn’t embarrassing
in a big room sense but just for me I still think of it. – Totally. – This girl I dated in
college broke up with me, we were hanging out at her
place and just out of nowhere, we started talking about like, yeah, I don’t think this is working out, and I was devastated, and I was just like alright
we’ll I guess it’s over. So I got up and I was like
I guess I’ll just go then. And then as I was walking out of her door, I thought I heard her say
something and I was like, what? And then she was like,
“I didn’t say anything.” – Oh god. – Oh alright well I guess
I’ll just keep on walking. I thought she was like, wait! (laughing) – Oh man, one girl called in and she, that reminds me of a story
that a girl called in and now her call’s gone. Damn it.
– Dammmmn. – Call back in! You had a thing where a
guy said something to you, and you misinterpreted what he said. Let’s go to Dugan, in Sacramento. – [Dugan] Hi Nikki, how are you? – Good Dugan, tell me what happened? What’s your most embarrassing moment. – [Dugan] Well I just want to say, it’s not as bad as calling
somebody mommy, so. – What the fuck Dugan come on!
– Dis! – I’m getting it from
all ends today, Dugan. – [Dugan] Come on Tommy, I mean mommy. (group laughing) So, scene is I’m about 12 years old, coming home from soccer practice, got a ride with a family
friend and a player, and both my mom and dad’s car are home. And I’m like wow that’s really strange, they woulda picked me
up from soccer practice. So I didn’t really think of it too much, and I walk into the house
and there’s my mom and dad, in the kitchen just going
at it on the kitchen table. – (laughing) Oh my god!
– Oh my god! – [Dugan] Dude, like I was 12. I’d maybe seen like
some Playboys and stuff, so I was like what are
you doing to mom dude?! – Brazzers!
– You hurt mommy?! (group laughing) – [Dugan] So I ran to the neighbors house, and she was like this elderly, grandmotherly type of a
neighbor and she was like, “Oh did you just come
home from soccer practice? “How ’bout some milk and cookies?”, and it’s was just like
what I needed at that time and then I walked home maybe
about an half an hour later and my dad was sitting
in the front ya know, in the dining room area and
he’s like “We need to talk.” – [Group] Oh no. – We’re sending you to boarding school. (group laughing) – So your parents saw you see them? – [Dugan] Uh, I think my dad saw, my mom was otherwise engaged. – Yeah, she was blindfolded – (chuckles) She was blindfolded. – [Dugan] She didn’t
see what was going on. But I’m pretty sure my dad
heard the door, like crack, and like looked around. – They were really hot
back then though right? – [Dugan] What’s that?
– (laughing) – Nothing nevermind.
– Your parents were hot. Wait, so did he have a
talk with you about like, hey I know what you saw or was it – [Dugan] So it was like that talk, and then it lead into
like, ya know, the talk. – Right, right. – Look sometimes when a mommy
and a daddy love each other. – Here’s the good news, the
talk is going to be way easier than the fucking intro. – Yeah that’s true.
– Yeah, god. That sucks when something
embarrassing happens to you that you walk into and then
you have to deal with it. – Oh yeah for sure, like seeing someone else
jerking off or whatever. – But I want to hear the
worst story that someone has about sending the wrong text to someone. Because I think that, that
is seriously, kind of, the worst. That fills me with, if that
happened to me I would just – I did that when a
friend, ah not a friend. – When your talking shit – Yeah, I had a girl, – I’m getting chills – (laughing) Go ahead.
– One of my friends, ah, dated this dude that we all
hated and then his parents, we were like 19, so we
would drink at their, his parents place, they
were the family that’s like, “You can drink, but only
if it’s under our roof.” or whatever, and their
party sucked or whatever, so we left and we tried to
come back and I, Zach was like “Well you left, so just fuck
you man, you can’t come back.” and I was just, I tried to
send my other friend like, Man Zach fuckin sucks, and
I sent it straight to Zach. – Yes you did.
– Oh no. – And then how do you deal with that? – I was just like, You’re
pissing me off man, I just tried to own it,
– Oh yeah you just doubled down – I acted like I,
– Meant to? – Meant to do that, yeah. – I haven’t sent like a
talking shit text by accident, but I told you’re this story recently, I sent a group chat to,
– Oh my god Mike, this is so hilar– Mike is so stupid. (group laughing) Like this is one of the
stupidest things and adult could, like I can’t
– This was all, – This is so, ugh, okay – It was on Thanksgiving,
and it was probably like, almost 10 years ago. It was my first Iphone or
at least the first Iphone, that had group chat
capabilities and I sent like, Happy Thanksgiving milady, like I hope you have a day
as beautiful as you are, or something like that and
sent it to like 10 girls, and didn’t realize that
it was a group chat. So then the first reply was like, “Aww, thanks Mike, your so sweet.” , and then the second reply is “Wait, Mike did you send
this to more than one girl?”, and then the third reply is like, “Yep I think he did.”, and then they all just
continued talking to each other on my group chat and I was like, I want to die right now, and they’re like it’s fine,
like don’t worry about it. But still, that’s another one
that I cringe at sometimes. – Oh, boy. – I got one for ya, I
was dating this girl, she lived in Kentucky. She sent me a nude picture of herself, and I said, hey this is um,
you sent this to someone else. And she goes no. Ya know cause I saw like
two numbers in the top, like I know you sent this to someone else. – She goes, “No I just took
it, this is just for you.”, and I’m like no you sent
it to another number too. She sent it to her fucking cousin as well. – [Group] Nooo! – Damn! – God! Wait let’s go to – She was racist.
– Can we go to, Can we go to Justin, in North Carolina? I’ve really, I really just
read the excerpt of this story. Justin tell us, wait don’t read
it, I want him to tell you. – Yeah, yeah, yeah. – Justin what happened to you? – [Justin] Well, I actually
back in my twenties, I was married at the time
– He sounds like he’s from North Carolina. – (laughs) – [Justin] Yes, yes I am, and um, I had my wisdom teeth removed, and my wife took me to
have the surgery done, and we came back home and I
was still very incoherent, with medicines, and somewhere
in that timeframe my mother came over to visit while
I was still in bed, and I thought that it was my wife, and I told her that I wanted to taste her, and it was actually my mother. – Oh man. – You told your mother that
you wanted to taste her. – Oh god. – Did they tell you later on
that you’re had said that? Or did you like in the
moment go like, oh shit!? Was there like a video of it? – [Justin] My wife was actually sitting, no luckily thank god there was no video, but my wife was standing
kind of in the background, and heard me, my mother did
not acknowledge it at all, and later on my wife told me about it. So, pretty embarrassing. – Oh god. – God, yeah. Okay let’s go to Brad in Michigan, he sent a text to the wrong person. What happened Brad? – [Brad] So I was in a new
relationship, still kind of in the hot and heavy section of it, and I had a little side job
where I was painting houses, and I was painting a
house for this older lady, and I sent her the words, are
we gonna fuck tonight or what? – Did she reply? – [David] She did, she
said, “Well, I hope not.” – Well that’s great. – [David] But then I had
to finish the painting job, so that was awful.
– Oh god! – Oh no! – I once was having really,
really loud sex in an Air BNB, that I had rented, and I got a text, this was really embarrassing, I never had to see they guy again, but the guy whose place
it was texted me that, hey, my landlord called last night, and there was screaming
coming from your apartment, and I just wanted to make
sure everything was okay. And I was like, does he
know that I was having sex, or is he really checking in
on like if everything’s okay. I didn’t know how to really handle it, so I was in a writer’s room
for my show at the time, and I remember Benji Aflalo,
one of my writer’s was like, “Just tell him you were auditioning, like you were practicing an audition. – Oh that’s good. – So I wrote back and was like, Oh I had and audition where
I have to scream a lot. I’m really sorry. I
wanted to just be like, I was having sex. That was embarrassing because, oh and then another time I was
having sex with my boyfriend, and I think the most
embarrassing times have been, when I’ve heard that people
have heard me have sex later on. Cause it’s so embarrassing, and I’m not someone
who’s trying to be heard. When my ex and I used to have sex, this one time we were staying
with his cousin in Chicago, and both his brothers were
sleeping in the living room, and we were in a guest room, and I was trying to be so quiet, cause I didn’t want his
brothers to hear me having sex, like there’s no way, that’s
like not something I get off on, or would ever want. And like the next day they
were like ,hey wolfie, they called me wolfie,
and I didn’t understand, and then it was like an inside joke that I sounded like I
was howling like a wolf, and it turns out like they
all, every one of his friends, cause he lived with roommates, I’m really loud when I have sex. And I didn’t know that,
and I don’t know that and one of my most embarrassing
moments is on camera, from when I did Not Safe, I
gave my dad a lie detector test, and one of the questions,
that a writer wrote was like, Have you ever heard me having sex? – [Group] Oh no. – God. – And I remember asking
that like please be no, but I lived at home and
had a lot of sex at home, when I lived at home with my parents, with my ex-boyfriend,
and my dad has heard me. – Oh no!
– Dammmn! – So for him to have to tell me, that he heard me was so humiliating. – Oh my god.
– Not safe. – Not safe, I was not, – Has he ever walked in on you? Or your mom? – One time, a guy was
inside me in my bedroom, and my dad knocked on the
door and was like, “Hey Nick!” and I was like, I’m talking to my dad, while there’s a dick in me,
I cannot believe I have to, and I was like, I’ll be right out! Ya know like my voice
cracked and I remember like, there’s someone in me and
I’m talking to my dad, this is the worst thing
– That is very weird, yeah. – My mom walked in on me by myself once. – Oh jerking off?
– Yeah. Like, pants off jerking off
– Oh, boy. Oh yeah I remember you
telling me this story. – Not just a quick, oh I can
just pull up my waistband, or whatever, there was like
nothing that I could do – You’re getting a long jerkin
– Mommy! Mommy. – I’m just gonna go through some of these. Joshua in North Carolina,
accidentally sent a dick pic, to his commanders/leaders
instead of his fiance. – (clapping)
– I love that. – That’s a salute. – Oh my god,
– This is, the Kyle one, is pretty insane.
– Kyle, let’s talk to you. Kyle, who did you send what to? – [Kyle] I sent a dick
picture to my mother in law. – [Group] (laughing) – That is so brutal. – What did she say? – [Kyle] Um, well as nice as she can be, she thought it was very nice, but after that, every time
we went over to the house, she got very beet red whenever she saw me. – Yeah.
– Oh my god. – Beet red is right. Right, guys?
– Yeah, no kidding. The thing is like sometimes
when I meet porn stars, or I meet people who have had sex tapes, it’s weird to see them, cause your like, I’ve
seen your dick, ya know. – (laughs) I have a joke about that. – You do? – Well I’m just like, I
like when girls in porn, look like girls I know in real life, but I don’t wanna know a girl
in real life that does porn. – Yeah. – Cause then I’d have to
like, hang out with her and she’s like , oh, hey
what TV shows do you watch, and I’m just like heh-heh, your
butthole can get really big. – Yeah.
– How does it do that? – Well I feel that way
with guys I’ve slept with, like I feel like I’m friends
with a lot of guys whose dicks have been in my mouth and inside me. And it’s just so, whenever
I’m with them I’m like, oh my god, this is so weird. – Right? – How are we talking
about your kids right now, when your dick has been in my mouth. I feel like that’s the only thing we should be talking about. It’s so weird that you
just move on with life. Okay
– There’s Tony. – Let’s go to Tony in Montana. What happened to you Tones? – (laughs) – [Tony] It was before the
age, I didn’t have access to porn before cellphones and all this. The hottest thing I could
get my hands on was, grandpa ordered Jerry Springer Uncensored. – Oh hell yeah! I remember those. – [Tony] And I was strokin’
it in his chair at two o’clock in the morning – [Tom] Did you say soakin’ it? – Stroking. – [Tony] Yeah! I’m full stroke about to ya know, and then grandma walks
in and she goes “Tony?” and I just immediately,
– No it’s Jeff. – [Tony] I didn’t know I could
go that soft that quickly. – Oh wow! – [Tony] I didn’t know that was possible. Then I go back into the bed, and my bedroom, when I
stayed over at their house, was near hers, and I hear
her giggling, giggling! – Oh god! – [Tony] I wanted to
shoot myself in the head. – How old were you at the time. – [Tony] 14 – Oh yeah that’s definitely
shoot yourself in the head age. – And this Jerry Springer tape, were they fighting and their
breasts came out, or what? Why were you jerking off to it. – [Tony] It was a cowboy stripper chick. – Oh okay.
– Alright. – [Tony] I mean at that point
I was jerking off to lingerie, JC Penney’s sections, I mean
I couldn’t find any better. – These kids don’t know. – You could make anything work back then. – Ya had to. – I remember looking at Target ads, you remember when they’d
have a little bras section? – God, it’s so crazy like
that the simplest thing, and now there’s just so much. – And now it’s like, I wanna see two dicks in her ass at the same time. – I know. – Where’s the two dick in the ass videos. – This is why I don’t watch porn a lot, because I don’t wanna get there. – Desensitizes you. – I still like just a bra. – That time when my mom walked in on me, I was watching the Grind on MTV. Which is just like, they would play music and people would dance. But it was like, ya know, skimpy clothing. – Sure I remember that.
– I was just like, man that girl with the long socks and the short skirt on, ugh! – Yeah.
– Yeah. – Now I just breeze
past Instagram accounts, like it’s nothing. I woulda killed for that when I was 13. – Right? – I can tell right now that
you watch a lot of anal porn, because you mentioned it twice. – I really don’t watch, – Third time’s the charm. – I don’t go for anal porn. – That’s all I watch now. – Sometimes its like ya know, girl gets fucked hard by a
guy, and then I’m like alright, that seems okay and then
it’s directly in her ass, then I’m like, you should mention that. – I feel like that’s another
thing I don’t like about porn. I feel like that’s just implied now, if it’s sex at all, eventually
anal is going to pop up. – I get so angry when I’m watching a video and anal doesn’t happen. I really do, I find that
too many don’t end in anal, and I need anal in my porn. I don’t need it in my
personal life every time, but in my porn, I need
girl to take it in the ass. Like that’s where I’m at right now. – I feel usually there’s
like a dance to it. It’s like the oral, then
regular penetration, then they go to anal and
then they go back to oral. – Right, right.
– Yeah. – ATM baby. Then you go to the ATM machine,
stick your dick in that. Um, let’s go to Lola,
she’s been waiting a while. I wanna hear about an
accidental text you sent. Who’d you send it to. – [Lola] So one of my
coworkers called in sick, and it was on a group chat, and I texted who I thought
just my manager was, to bitch about it and so he texts me back and it’s really subdued like,
well, I’ll see you at work, and I was like oh shoot! I texted him privately, and I was like, was that on a group chat? And he was like, all your numbers came up, and I was like oh (gasps) – Oh no!
– Dammmn. – [Lola] It is one these
people this is like very, very, very sensitive and
gets worked up very easily. – What do you do, I mean
that is biggest fear. I need to stop talking shit on text cause, that is bound to happen to me. It’s almost, one time I sent
a text to my ex-boyfriend, that was meant about him, he was late for a flight
that we were catching and it wasn’t his fault, and I was like, he’s fucking late again, and he was so mad that I
had that tone about him to someone else, and he should have been. – Damn. – In that little mistake, I can’t imagine if your really, really laying
into someone and you send it. That’s why you should never, you should always nicknames for people. – Sometimes you gotta call somebody, if you want to talk shit, sometimes you gotta just
make a fucking call. – Just call them, yeah. That’s a good point. – You make nicknames for
people, like fatso. (laughs) – Yeah like fatso, yeah.
– I wonder who that is. – You need an easier like,
I, can’t, think, of anything. – (laughs) – I’m not quick enough to give examples, but you get what I’m going for. – You up Mike, you up? – You know I think like farting
when you don’t mean to fart is one of the most embarrassing things, that can happen to a girl, or a guy. – For sure. – Like when you accidentally fart. Those moments to me stand out so much, – Like I know exactly where I was. – Yeah, sit-ups – Again sit-ups.
– Yeah, sit-ups. Yes, yes.
– Mommy, I farted. – I’m sorry mommy. – Oh my god.
– Have you ever, have you ever, accidentally
burped when your yawning? – [Group] Yes. – Where you’re like just
so into the yawn its like, that little throat noise. – Oh man, a weird noise came out, when I was on a date recently, and I just got really loud after it. Like to hide it in retrospect,
do you know what I mean? – It’s like the,
– And I saw him jump, at how loud I got. It was me trying to make him forget, that I just made a really
weird throat noise. – Its the voice equivalent
of jogging a little bit when you trip over a curb
or something like that. – It is exactly that. – Your like nope I’m just jogging
a little, all of a sudden. – Or just like getting angry
at whatever’s around you, when you really are just mad at yourself. Like, I fainted on stage
once and I lashed out at the crowd for not helping me, when really I was just mad at myself. – You really fainted on stage? – That was my most
embarrassing moment probably. – Were you out for a long time? – For about five to ten seconds – Oh, okay.
– Something like that. Yeah but like fully fainted,
passed out, fell on the stage. – I fainted at a party once and I woke up and everybody
was still just laughing at me. So it was a short enough time that, – So you killed? – I did, I killed at that party. – It was deafening
silence, when I fainted, It almost woke me, that’s what woke me up, was that the audience
that had been laughing, like everything stopped. – But maybe they assumed
that you were in the middle of a bit or something like that. – They did, they did, and I was not. A lot of them were like oh
we thought you were joking. And I was like, what, why is that funny? That isn’t. I was offended that they thought I was a stunt comic or whatever. – Right.
– Yeah. – Nicki Kaufman.
– Maybe it was going somewhere like I’ve seen comics trip
getting on stage before, and the audience just,
– Assumes. – assumes, ah, that’s what
he does at the beginning. He just trips and falls. (rock music)

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