Welcome to, uhh, Barshens. Are you ok? Welcome to Sharticles fo-
-Now we’re talking. Welcome to another round up of the worst news on the interweb. And sometimes on papyrus. But we don’t actually have papyrus or paper.
-That got very expensive Yeah it’s very digital.
-You had to nick it from museums… It didn’t go down well. We’ve rounded up the hottest shart that you guys are sending to us on our our social media streams @barshens and we’re going to review them as standard. If you’ve missed any of the others, there’s a playlist, there’s loads. We’re on, like, 19? 20? -There’s a lot of shart out there. There’s a lot of shart and hopefully these are less sharty today. We want to see less poo.
-Less poo Less poo in our news
-We want more ephemera and totally pointless things,
-and less of the excrementa.
-Excremente! Let’s go. Police stop ‘nearly naked’ – Nearly.
-We’re all nearly naked though, aren’t we? It depends what you’re wearing.. Perhaps he just had electrician’s tape over his nipples… I’m sorry about my dad. “Police stop ‘nearly naked’ speeding driver wearing ‘bikini thong and smothered in Vaseline’. Well that’s going to mess up your upholstery.
– It is. It’s going to make you very manoeuvrable.So, y’know, it’s going to help.
-You’ll escape quickly if the police come.
-Exactly. He would just go down a hill and go “wheeee”. – Or an accident – you’re just driving your car CRASH! Whoo- out the window! – This is from the Evening Standard, which is a paper named after someone who had a standard evening… – Evening Brilliant – that was a great paper.
-Oh, fantastic! ‘Officers noticed a pornographic magazine on the passenger’s seat, and a tub of petroleum jelly nearby.’ It sounds so much more hardcore than Vaseline doesn’t it? Petroleum Jelly.
-Is it flammable? I don’t have a flame near me..
-I wouldn’t have thought so. If you mess about with the ingredients a bit you can get napalm… which is very, very bad news.
-Really? How do you do that? Next time on Barshens: – Napalm! – Petroleum Jelly, Vaselina or Waselina Ooh, my phone’s ringing. Ah… Oh! It’s a colleague of mine, sorry. Right… Did you say napalm?!? ‘Officers noticed a pornographic magazine’. – Which pornographic magazine? Razzle? Big Jugs Monthly? – Readers Wives?
-Readers Wives.. that’s a good one, yep
-A Barshens favourite. – Horny Farmer? That’s a good one.
-Horny Farmer? – Very popular in Norfolk, that one.
-Randy Milkman? – Ooh Randy Milkman, that’s a classic, that one
-Always delivers the cream.
-Yep. – We haven’t even got past the second line yet! ‘The 54-year-old driver admitted he had been masturbating at the wheel of his car. Police flagged down Mr Kellerman’s vehicle after clocking him speeding at 57mph on a 45 road.’ That’s just dirty.
-Was he trying to draw attention to himself, or..? – I don’t, I just think he’s keeping it low-key, y’know, – By speeding down the road, wearing nothing but a thong covered in Vaseline, fiddling with yourself.
– It’s a hell of a rush though, isn’t it. ‘Garfield County Sheriff’s Office deputy Darryl Beebe’, ‘I’m Darryl Beebe’,
-The BBC was named after him? ‘Hi, I’m Darryl Beebe’.
– ‘Said he found a “‘nearly naked white male driver’ with a ‘bikini thong covering his genitals'”.
– ‘He noted a “nearly” empty open tub of Vaseline'”.
-He’d been eating it. Would you eat Vaseline for money? It depends how much.
-I was going to say, it really would depend how much. ‘The car was “extremely greasy,”‘
-Yeah, no shit, I wonder why. – “‘The driver was extremely nervous in a manner that his hands were shaking and his voice was trembling,” the documents added.’
– Oh dear. – Well maybe he was, like, he just couldn’t, he had no friction, he was just so lubed up.
‘Mr Kellerman “offered a rag” to Mr Beebe’.
– Is that a euphemism for something? – So that’s…
The defendant offered a rag to Mr Beebe. “‘to wipe the Vaseline off” his driving licence but the officer declined’.
-Ah, imagine that policeman going home to his wife “Well, I’ve got a good story today! You’ll be going at this one for years”. – But first, let’s lube up. ‘He was arrested last week after the officer learned the licence had expired in April 1985’? Wow! – So that’s not just “Oh I forgot because I was moving house”, is it? – ‘He was later charged with driving without a licence and speeding and will appear in court in November’. So he wasn’t charged with driving covered in Vaseline, then. So that’s not an offence.
-Speeding in Vaseline that’s how you get off. If he wasn’t covered in Vaseline, it would’ve been illegal. But if you’re covered in Vaseline, you can go up to 45% over the speed limit.
– I would love that. This has made the opening a bit fetishy, but, y’know we were going to use this for another game, but we’re going to just lather up and just slide on the studio floor right now
– I think we’d have had to have filled in some sort of Health and Safety thing for YouTube. “So what will you be doing here today?”
Filming, perversion. – It was on the booking form, “What do you need?”
Oh yeah, tripods.. and a big slip ‘n’ slide. Wheee!
-There’s actually a picture of the guy, I am told, if we press the button. That appears to be Eli.
-It’s Eli through a Snapchat filter. Where did we get.. is this your Vaseline, Eli? – It’s an aged Eli. – (Eli) Why does everyone look like – Oh come on! A little bit.
– (Eli) Noo! – As if you’ve been cast in a Quentin Tarantino movie maybe, running the bar. – (Eli) – If I started methamphetamine now, Maybe about 10 years later. – He doesn’t look like the sort of chap who would Vaseline up, does he?
-Well, who does? – Try it for yourself, and let us know down below. – It’s all kicking off in Dundee, Barry!
-Is it? – ‘Jesus attacks Jedi Knight in Dundee’. – Wow! That’s an amazing headline! From the Courier. ‘Police are appealing for information after a man dressed as a Jedi Knight was attacked in Dundee by another reveller dressed as Jesus.’ I never get those in Revels, I normally get like orange and coffee.
– No one likes the coffee one, either. ‘The attack occurred close to Dundee University’s’ Students Association (DUSA) on Dundee’s ‘Smalls Wynd’. That’s a great name. Smalls Wind maybe. – I’m just going to let that skim over. – ‘It’s understood the attacker was dressed up as Jesus Christ’.
– JESUS CHRIST!
-“I’m here!” ‘The man dressed as Jesus is understood to have punched the Jedi, who then broke his ankle ‘as he fell to the ground.’
– Ouch! – I’ve got a theory here. I think Jesus it wasn’t Jesus, it was another Jedi Knight, Qui-Gon Jinn who looks a bit like Jesus, and the other Jedi Knight was a Sith Warrior and he was trying to take him out. – And a Sith is a..?
– Like a bad Jedi. – Revenge of the Sith, I’ve heard of that. That’s about all of my Star Wars knowledge, I’m getting there, folks.
-It won’t be long until you know what planet you’re on! – I did watch Reaper, though, folks. I did watch Reaper. Oh my Gosh, Danny Treio and Vinnie Jones!
– Together at last! – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I actually have this? – Yes, you can. You definitely can. – Awful.
-Yeah, that was the previous, low-budget horror where the cover was Danny Treio and Vinnie Jones? facing off?
-And they are not, well actually Danny Treio’s in it for quite a bit. He wears a vest like he normally does. And then Vinnie Jones is in it for “wheeey” that’s it. It should be renamed “Shart”. It’s an awful film.
-Oh dear. ‘A police spokesperson confirmed officers would like to trace a man’, Tomorrow: brass rubbings! – We’ve got a life drawing at 3pm. – “Oh God, he’s covered in Vaseline!” – “Oh, can you take that bikini off, sir? We’re trying to do a life drawing.” – “I’m in a bit of a hurry, I’m going to have to speed home.” – “Just don’t masturbate whilst you’re doing- We ask one thing!”
‘DUSA had held its annual Halloween party on Tuesday night.’ – Oh, that’s what it is, isn’t it?
-Well that’s a useful line at the end, there.
-Hit him in the face, fell to the ground, done his ankle in. Poor buggar.
-I dunno. What do they say? Something about turn the other cheek?
-If you are in character as Jesus, you shouldn’t be punching people. – No, you should be praising and giving out bread and fish. – Instead it was a smack round the chops. – ‘German police find ‘WW2 bomb’ was actually a big courgette’. Love it!
-How big is this fucking courgette? Was it shaped like a bomb?
– It’s a whopper! This is from the BBC! Not Mr Beebe from the previous shart. ‘A German man feared a monster courgette he found in his garden was an unexploded World War Two bomb and called the police.’
– Does he often grow bombs? – I don’t know, and how did it just land in his garden? He just found it in his garden, he didn’t grow it. Suddenly, it appears. ‘The 5 kilo’,
-Whoa! That is a pretty big courgette That’s half the weight of a decent unborn – newborn child, not unborn child – How are you weighing these things? “Don’t worry, I’ll put it back in!” – It’s heavier than a child! 11 pounds, sorry I was getting kilos well, you can get some big babies.. Well, y’know. More on that next time. Barshens do maternity wards. “I’ll deliver it for you!” ‘The 5kg courgette had probably been through over a hedge -probably- into the 81 year old’s garden, police said.’
– Ohh, I’ve got a massive, 5kg courgette better hock it over a fence!
– Yep, chuck it over. He’ll like it. ‘Luckily, no evacuation was required in Bretten’.
– That just looks like a bloody it looks like a big slug.
– Or a big poo – It looks like a big pooey sluggy poo poo slug. It’s really odd.
– Yeah, it definitely doesn’t look like a courgette, does it? Definitely not a bomb, mind.
– No, it is an odd looking courgette. But just because a courgette doesn’t look like a courgette, doesn’t mean you should assume it’s explosive. Do you know what it also looks like? A really old witch’s finger. It looks like a really
-like a fingernail on the end. – “Ooh where’s my finger gone?”
-‘On the 3rd of September 65,000 people were evacuated from their homes in Frankfurt so that a 1.4-tonne British bomb could be defused.’ ‘It was the biggest evacuation in post-war German history for an unexploded bomb alert.’
– So it’s a nice little history lesson at the end of this sharticle.
– Ahh, so maybe it was in the news around that time which made him put two and two together and make fourteen
– And make a courgette, yeah. Well, what a lovely shart!
– What’s your best courgette recipe?
– I quite like a courgette lasagne, believe it or not. You replace the meat with a courgette, because courgettes can be quite butch things. Not bomb worthy! But yeah, very nice. Make sure you get all of the moisture out of it, Stu. Really work it
– Work that courgette! Ooh yeah, that’s the stuff! Get the Vaseline on it! Call free 0800 585 204 Why would you call that?
– I don’t know, but let’s do it! Can we just shout “VASELINE” down?
– Yeah, let’s do that. 0850 Don’t ask them how to make napalm, they hate that.
– 585 – I once called Rowntree Macintosh and asked them why a Kit Kat bar was called a Kit Kat
– Oh really?
– Yeah, they told me immediately. They obviously get that a lot.
– Why is it? – “This number cannot be connected. If you’ve dialled correctly I’m afraid it means that the number is not available from this network.” – Ahh, damn it. I’ve just got visions of all the people who used to handle their calls just covered in Vaseline like that We’re leaving, ah that’s a shame.
There’s a number in Portugal, we could always ri- no. Anyway, – Why would you put a non-functioning – how old is this Vaseline? Let’s lube up.