How’s it going Self Helper, this is Todd Davis
and you’re listening to Help Yourself. If you’re new to the show, I’ll catch you
up. I know who you are. Your place is a mess. You haven’t been taking care about yourself. You don’t care about anything. No friends. No real ones anyway. You’re all alone. And your name is Jeff Tomlinson. What? You’re all alone. And your name is Jeff Tomlinson. What the fuck? Have I got your attention Jeff? Yes. Well don’t answer that, idiot. Where did it go wrong? Was it your upbringing? Was it your awkwardness in high school and
college? Was it when Megan left? Are you so far down the hole you don’t even
remember? Probably. Well you’re in luck Jeff, because today on
the show we’re going to fix something. You. I know we can’t fix everything. But we’re going to help you help yourself. And I know you probably look awful. Probably wearing those stupid striped socks. What were you plannin’ on doin’ tonight, huh? Nothing? Well… uh… it’s nice out. You’re just gonna be walkin’ around. You probably got invited to something. Maybe a friend’s party? Yes. And I bet you weren’t even going to go. Are you even gonna go, Jeff? Go! Go to the party, Jeff. Be social! Go meet people! Ok! Go see new things! Go experience something! Go! Why aren’t you going to the party, Jeff?!
Go! Go to the party!! You know being behind this wall doesn’t count as being at the party, Jeff. Turn around! You’re right.
Go on! Go on, ya scamp! C’mon, Jeff, get in there. Get in there, Jeff!
C’mon! Go! Go-go-go-go-go!! That’s Alex isn’t it? Yeah. Look and he’s talkin to a cute girl! You should go say hi. I don’t want to interrupt him. You should talk to her. Why don’t you get in there? Ok. Look-
DO IT! Just do it! C’mon! I do not want to interrupt him right now.
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! Stop telling me what to do! Ok? Nobody tells me what to do! Hi. I’m Jeff. Go talk to him. Fine! What do you want me to say? Well, gee, I don’t know. Happy Birthday?!?! Then after that, it’s up to you, man. I mean he’s your friend. For now. Well, well, well, look who it is. Come over here. What the fuck is hap-How are you?! Happy Birthday!
Hello! It’s my birthday! Happy Birthday dude. See? This isn’t so bad , Jeff. Thank you for coming! Yeah.
Thank you so much! Oh, you know I was just- uh- stopping by. Do you want something? Can you get him?
What do you want? Oh, no I uh… I was just stopping into say hi. I think I’m gonna… No, no, no, what are you talking about? I’m glad to see you man! What is this? What’s in your ear? No no no. Don’t let him- Jeff, don’t let him listen to this! Are you doing business? Can I- No, it’s just for you. No. No, Jeff, don’t give him the headphones! Nope.This is just for you. This is a special version of the podcast for special people. And the special person is you, Jeff- Jeff Tomlinson! Stop! No no no no no. It’s my birthday. It’s my birthday. Don’t be a weirdo, Jeff.
It’s just very personal information. Sorry for-
I’m not being a weirdo, it’s just- Ok, what is this? You listen to this podcast? Yeah, I just started. Ok. What is it about? I don’t know. Because to me, I hear stocks and stocks and bonds and investments and it sounds so stupid. I don’t care for it. I don’t care for this. I just started talking about Bitcoin. I knew that’d get him away. Oh! I didn’t introduce you. Hello?! Hello! Alright Jeff, this is my friend, Kelly. Kelly, this is Jeff, my oldest friend of all time. Who I never see anymore. Yeah, I don’t come out to these things they’re not really my speed. Me neither. Hey! She’s into you! Alright there you go!
Ask her why. C’mon talk to her, talk to her.
Get in there… Jeff… So why’s that? I’ve been pretty down since breaking up with
my fiancee. I get that. I just went through some rough- Aw Kelly, what did I tell you? And he got there first.
It was for the best! Yeah, Alex is hitting on her. Get out of there, Jeff. Hey guys, you know what? I’m gonna jet.
What are you talking about? Already? Yeah, I gotta get up early-
You gotta be up early? What do you gotta do?
You don’t do anything! and I don’t know
any of the people here so… Happy Birthday.
I understand, take it easy. Listen, you’re dressed like shit. Ok? You’re embarrassing me. But I’m going to handle it. Because you’re my good friend, alright? Please can we hang out soon? Alright? I would actually love that.
Would you? Because you’re my best friend. Do you understand? You’re my best friend.
I love you. Alright? See ya! Oh hey, this is a nice surprise.
She looks like Megan, doesn’t she? Say hi. Dude, you ok? Jeff say you’re ok! She just asked you a question! You ok dude? It’s the easiest thing! Just say you’re ok! That’s two letters! O – K! What are you doing? You’re not saying anything. How are you a person? What’s wrong dude?
Oh, I got it, Jeff, you should say… Your answer in a second, but first I’d like
to talk about Do you need Envelopes? You’ll never need them again with Just sign up using the promo code “HELP” and
each week 5 beautiful envelopes will be delivered for the low price of $1 per month.
NO!!! You’ll never need Envelopes. Not with Now, back to the show. Jeff, talk to her. Fuck, Oh fuck. Fuck. I’m going fucking crazy! No you’re not! You’re a figment of my fucking imagination and Hey hey hey, it’s ok.
I’m psychotic. It’s ok. Breathe. You’re just a little lost. But this show is here to help you get get back on track. Because together, we are gonna- And that’s all the time we have today, folks! I’d like to thank my guest, you. And make sure you tune in next time when our next guest will be… you! Until next time Self Helper, this is Todd
Davis saying when you can’t Help Yourself, turn on Help Yourself. Fuck. No. Oh fuck. Good show, Todd. Thanks. I just hope he keeps listening.


  1. This is actually really. I hope they turn this into a series! A depressed guy finds a podcasts that specifically knows who he is and his abusive friend. I'd watch it!

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