[Music] B: Hello, everybody.
B: Matt, you’re always so musical. It bugs the shit out of me how musical you are.
M: ‘Cause I’m doodlie-dootin’ over here? M: That’s how I start the musical-ness.
B: Well, it’s like… don’t you… do you have a, by the way, it’s Burnie. We’re here with, uh, Matt Hullum, our CEO, everybody.
M: Hey, hello. B: I don’t… how long have we known each other now?
M: Uh, 300 years.
B: No, I’m serious. How long has it really been?
M: It actually has been, let’s… I’m gonna like… uh… 23 years? 24?
B: It’s like going on 25 years.
B: It’s ‘cause, I think you reach a certain point we just start rounding up.
M: Yeah B: Yeah. After that…
M: Or rounding off.
B: After 25 we’re just like… M: We’ve hit the ceiling.
B: That’s impossible.
M: We have to not know each other after this.
B: It really doesn’t seem possible.
M: Yeah. B: Little-known fact, I taught Matt how to edit apparently.
M: That’s 100% true.
B: That’s crazy.
M: That’s 100% true on a… [old man voice] on the old timey A/B machine, the A/B roll.
B: It was two tape decks. This is before the controller.
M: Before you controlled anything.
B: Yeah. M: There was nothing digital ever. Not even a Casio calculator didn’t exist. You couldn’t right “boobs” and turn it upside down.
B: That’s not true. That totally existed.
M: That is the main reason to have a calculator, isn’t it? B: I wrote “hello.” I was a good kid.
M: Ah, no.
B: I didn’t go around writing “boobs.” M: No, no, nope. No to that. You’re no fun.
B: I was… uh… went down to the TV station I’d worked there about a year…
B: …and there was only, I think like eight of us working at the TV station… M: If that.
M: And they weren’t really working. There were more bats than people.
B: It was at the University of Texas. Yeah. I didn’t realize how rabid bats are…
B: …back then. I don’t think we realized that at the time.
M: Yeah. B: Like, we would like push them out with our hands, like get him out of the TV station.
M: And they… …they weren’t like friendly, fun bats like the kind you’d have on a logo for a sports team. They were like vicious, snarling, Blood drip… it was Dracula.
B: There’s no point…
M: It was like 7 Draculas down there.
B: …at which a bat is approachable. Like when they fly, first of all, they don’t look like they should be flying ‘cause they just flap like fucking crazy. M: They look like they can’t fly…
M: …when they fly.
B: They look like they’re fakin’ it. M: Like, that’s not, that’s not happening at all.
B: A bird will soar. Even a bird if it’s indoors, like, you see a bird in the grocery store got trapped in there? Kids are always fascinated by that, by the way. They get freaked out about a bird that gets trapped in a grocery store or the mall.
M: What kind of a grocery store are you going to now?
B: You go to like, uh, Whole Foods or something.
M: And there’s birds flying around inside? B: [sputters] Has anyone ever seen a bird in a grocery store before? Am I the only person who’s ever seen a bird? Look at that. Thumbs up for the control room.
B: You got touched, Matt.
M: Sorry. I guess I don’t go grocery shopping as much as you. B: In your ivory tower office. [laughing]
M: Too much favor in my life.
B: But uh, yeah, birds will soar, bats don’t soar.
B: Like when I go see the bats at Congress, they look like they’re flying because there’s so many of them.
M: But they’re falling with style.
B: They’re just flapping! They just flap flap flap.
B: And then if they land their… their hands are like the… the… the pivot of their wing and they do this number, like… ugh. M: I like that.
B: Ugh, it’s awful.
M: I like that they have the hands on the wings.
B: So gross.
M: ‘Cause that seems like God just couldn’t decide. [Burnie laughing]. Do you get wings or do you get hands? You know what? Give ‘em both. Let’s see what happens and it turns out… nothing good. B: Just a rat that had like a little bit of extra skin here.
B: You know that over time it evolved.
M: It’s like the Simpsons episode where it was like the Evil Bart made the… the, uh, pigeon… pigeon rats. [off-screen chuckling]. You guys remember? Somebody remembers that.
B: Oh. I was going to just talk to Gus about this But… did I ever tell you when I was a kid I used to microwave mosquitos and release them?
M: Oh my God. B: Listen, my hope was that… M: You were… were you never chaperoned?
M: At all?
M: Your parents were just never around.
B: Dude, my kids… I… I was like… I think I was home by myself when I was like 6 on and if my… I would never have left m kids alone at 6.
M: The crazy things is like… they didn’t have the internet. B: No.
M: So where did you get the napalm recipe?
B: So… okay, this is a whole set of story. So, a buddy of mine had an Atari computer, like an Atari 800. His name was Nero Patel…
M: That’s a fake name. B: Yeah, totally fake name. No that’s a real name, and his brother, older brother, who I don’t remember his name… he had an Atari…
M: Both characters from Spartacus. [Burnie laughing]. B: …and we, downloaded the Anarchist…
M: [odd voice] Atari? Yes, Nero? B: He had like a 300 baud modem…
M: Ready the napalm.
B: …it took us like two days to download a text file that was the Anarchist Cookbook. Remember that? The Anarchist Cookbook?
B: There’s two things in the ‘80s…
M: FBI remembers too. B: Yeah.
M: You’re on a list, buddy.
B: …growing up was like complete contraband. One was the Anarchist Cookbook…
M: Mhm. B: …and the other was Faces of Death [laughs]. The video… M: Oh, yeah, I remember that, yeah.
B: Which now, like, that’s a subreddit.
B: You know? Just where you can go and watch people who get killed in accidents or something like that. M: Yeah.
B: But you have to go to the back of a video store, there’s like an urban legend this Faces of Death thing. M: I feel like that’s every subreddit, though, like “hold my beer” is basically that.
B: So everybody is just dying? M: Yeah, it’s just hilarious.
B: It would be interesting to see the number of internet videos where the person at the end just dies. Then you just don’t know because they cut it off.
M: You just don’t know. You don’t ever know.
B: Like the guy slips on the ice and bangs his head and you’re like “haha” that’s hilarious.
B: And then he died three weeks later.
M: And later it was terrible. Yeah.
B: So okay, I gotta break something down for you here. M: Okay.
B: I got Ashley over here, and I have run into… a bit of an issue with Ashley. M: What? Is it when you say “actually” she thinks you’re saying her name?
B: No. I do call her actually all the time.
A: That happens all the time.
M: Yeah. A: Constantly. Strangers.
B: I call… I call her Actually around the house. [Matt laughing]. I… I do. I say Actually when I want to get her name. Yeah, so, this eclipse is coming up. Are you guys doing anything for the eclipse? M: You know, I was thinking about doing something for the eclipse, and then I realized I was too lazy and it’s not gonna happen.
B: Well you’re in luck anyway ‘cause both of our kids… they start school the day of the fucking eclipse.
M: That’s true.
B: It’s the same day.
M: That’s true.
B: So… M: That’s gotta be like a sign of the apocalypse.
B: Wh- oh… for a kid? Yeah. You go to school and the sun goes out.
M: The sun goes out. Yeah.
[Burnie laughing] If you’re… if you’re directly in the path, isn’t it true that all the hotels… am I going to preempt your thing? B: No, no.
M: That all the hotels in the, the line of the eclipse are like rented out, you can’t get a hotel? B: Oh is that true?
M: It goes from like what, Washington State to South Carolina or something like that? B: Yeah, it goes, it goes…
M: Is the line…
B: …the other, it goes South Carolina to Washington, but yeah.
M: Thank you.
B: Yeah. M: But, yeah, you can’t get a… you can’t get a hotel anywhere in there. B: Well, we have been looking at going to a number of different places. M: Have you?
B: One of the places I talked about on the podcast earlier… one of places we were considering going, that was the actual plan was to go to Salt Lake City, right, Ashley? M: Oh, is that it?
A: Yeah, well, the original plan I think you wanted to go to Nashville.
B: Well is that, okay, good. I’m glad you remember that being the original plan. But we, we pivoted. At some point, the plan was go to Salt Lake City…
M: Piv-ot! Piv-ot! B: Which, I don’t know if you know this or not, Ashley is from Salt Lake City. M: I do know that.
B: So her family lives in that area. And then we were gonna drive there…
M: Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful land.
M: Beautiful area B: Too hot.
M: Beautiful people from the beautiful land.
B: It’s really too hot. She lived in the middle of nowhere. Dude, she like, lived in this little…
M: Was it Ogden?
B: …mud puddle valley.
A: Yeah, it was… it was outside of Ogden. It was a… like a 30-minute drive either up a canyon or over the mountain pass. M: Wow.
B: Yeah, but when you’re 30 minutes outside of Ogden…
M: Yeah, they don’t even name it.
B: You’re out there. M: You’re just like… Og-… go past the mountain.
B: Ashley told a really terrible story about growing up…
M: The mountain people. [Ashley laughing]. B: Speaking about being left alone. You know, it gets really cold in Utah?
B: And her dog froze to death. A: Dogs… multiple.
B: Oh really?
M: Oh Lord… Jesus. B: She had like…
M: It’s like a Game of Thrones episode.
B: …she had to pull them out of the… the permafrost… she had to like pull them out, like rip ‘em out of the….
A: Yeah I had to, I had to shovel them out of the ice because their bodies melted the ice when they died and then froze.
A: Before my little brother or little sister saw it. B: And then what’d you do with them? A: I don’t remember. B: You really… you just bury them or hide them?
A: I just remember chipping them out of the ice and being really sad about it. [Burnie laughing] B: How old were you?
A: I don’t know, 9? B: Oh my God! [laughing]
B: That’s terrible.
M: Ooo. B: We just lost our fish. Did we tell you that? At our house?
M: Oh, you had… like, the fish pond? B: Yeah.
M: Not fish like in a tank, right?
B: No, not fish in a tank. Fish like, those three fish that were in the pond? Yeah, they all diedM: Yeah.
B: They all died. They all died. So… M: Just, of natural causes or some foul play involved?
B: It… it was innocent foul play but it was definitely the fault of a human.
M: Yeah, I could tell you, I suspect the bats. [laughing] B: With their flappy wings?
M: Came down with their wing hands…
B: Also, why is a bat’s wings, why are they so veiny?
M: Ugh. That’s just not a good word.
B: It’s just gross, dude.
B: So gross. So not to go back too far off the topic… M: Why would we go off topic?
B: …how Ashley messed up our eclipse trip.
M: So eclipse.
B: But, at that TV station where the bats were, that’s when I taught an editing class and one of the people who took the editing class… I don’t remember this… but it was Matt Hullum took it.
B: Young film student. M: Yeah, I’m so glad I made such a big impression on you. Right out of the gate.
B: Listen, the teacher-student relationship is one that’s inbalanced to say the last.
M: Yeah. I wasn’t a hot co-ed so… [Burnie laughing] didn’t… was not on the list to be remembered.
B: How dare you, that was my sexual health peer advisor job. [Matt laughing]. So, we were going to Utah, and then I had a brilliant idea when I thought it was not the 21st of August, but I thought it was the 18th of August. I… there’s so many bad websites…
M: Oh my gosh!
B: …associated with this eclipse. M: I’m getting mad.
B: But there are! They’re just like… they don’t say the dates, they don’t tell you where anything is. M: Well, that’s true.
B: Even the NASA one’s kind of garbage-y. Which I get ‘cause NASA’s got no money.
M: Get your shit together, NASA.
B: There you go brothers.
M: Come on!
B: What’s that? What are you doing? Oh, okay, thanks. M: That won’t inspire hate tweets.
B: Brandon’s making… Brandon was making the international sign for match, which will come here in a second. Here you can give it to me Brandon. No one’s gonna… everyone wants to see you and say hello. Thank you, buddy. Where’d you get these?
BF [off-screen]: Uh, Cameron. B: All right. Good to know.
M: Did you say camping?
M: Oh, that makes more sense than camping.
B: So, we were gonna go to Salt Lake City… A: Yes.
B: I had the brilliant idea. Let’s call your dad and make it like a family thing and let’s go.
M: Oh boy.
B: He got super excited about it.
A: So let’s take the boys… My dad hasn’t met the boys yet, none of my family has… really looking forward to it, been meaning to for years now, and so Burnie contacted my dad, which is a very sweet move.
B: With the wrong date. So then I found out…
M: Wait, you didn’t know the date of the… of the eclipse?
B: No because the shitty websites I went to, something told me it was on the 18th of August, ugh, and so… then we found out the kids couldn’t go because they had the first day of school…
B: They can’t miss the first day of school.
B: I wonder if the kids will even get let out of school to look at the damn thing. M: Well, I remember being in school as a kid and there was an eclipse, and they were like “run outside and go stare at the sun.’ [off-screen chuckles]. Right?
B: I got goggles.
M: Didn’t that happen?
M: Did you have goggles? B: They do the… paper plate.
M: They had a paper plate.
B: Yeah, poke the hole in the paper plate.
M: Or the thing that you look down so there’s like, basically, the shadow of it.
B: Yeah, I think that’s the paper plate thing.
M: Which is kind of stupid. It’s like… shadow.
M: You know?
B: It is weird to get hyped about something you can’t look at.
M: You can’t look at it.
B: Yeah M: Yeah, that’s weird.
B: But I went online and got like, I got tons of these like special goggles.
M: For some reason I thought somewhere in this story it was going to reveal that somebody was a flat-Earther. B: She made that comment the other day. She… she said “it’s amazing how flat the world is” and I was like “well, don’t say that.”
A: Oh, come on! You’re taking that out of context. We were looking like out at the ocean and it’s just like a flat line all the way across and I was thinking about the statistic that in… like, if you were to scale the Earth down to…
B: Go ahead. A: …like, like a cue ball size…
A: … it would be smoother than a cue ball. [Matt laughing].
B: It is, that’s true. The standard deviation from…
A: It’s a nice flat surface. Just ‘cause… just ‘cause it’s round doesn’t mean it’s not flat.
B: Smooth is not flat, though! You say flat… you have two young impressionable minds around you all the time…
B: …you can’t go around talking about the Earth being flat.
M: Yeah, Matt and Burnie. Two young impressionable lads, yeah. A: They don’t listen to me. They’re playing PUBG with you. [Burnie laughing]. B: They’re being impressionable.
A: They’re saving you. Constantly. You’re sending them into the line of fire.
B: So here’s the problem where I’ve got now, Matt.
M: Okay, oh I wanna hear this.
B: So it’s looking… this eclipse is literally like next weekend… we gotta make the travel plans and go do this. It’s looking like we’re not…
M: It’s not literally next weekend. B: Well it’s…
M: It’s not on the 18th.
B: Well, no. [laughing] We gotta travel the weekend of. Travel day’s the 18the and uh, now it looks like we can’t go to Salt Lake City. I mean… we could slum it here in Austin and get that 70% eclipse…
B: But, who wants that. M: Disgusting.
B: We… we got to go.
M: Disgusting 70%.
B: So we gotta go somewhere to see 100% eclipse.
M: Of course you do. B: Yeah. Now it looks like we can’t go so… now… whose responsibility do you think it is to talk to Ashley’s dad and say “hey, we have to change our plans and we’re not gonna be able to come to this trip that you’re super excited about.” Should it be the daughter that he raised for 18 years or should it be some guy that she knows?
M: Some random… random… could be any random guy. B: Yeah, some dude with a hat… like, that’s what I am.
M: Maybe… maybe somebody will send him a link to this podcast. [Burnie laughing]. Problem solved.
B: We gotta tell him before this goes on YouTube… I think. You should tell him before it goes on YouTube.
A: You… you’re the one who contacted my dad and got him all excited…
B: I know. A: …to go on a road trip…
B: I know.
A: …and get, like, get his trailer out of storage…
B: Oh… did he get his trailer out of storage? A: Probably.
B: Oh shit.
M: Oh no.
A: It’s probably airing out right now know. You know how excited he gets about these things. M: So…
A: And I want to be clear, I have not been in contact with him at all. My dad texts him more than I do. I’m a terrible daughter.
M: Mmm. A: But you contacted him, you got his hopes up… You let them down again. Also, by the way, I got a text from my sister because he’s talking to all my family about the fact that we’re coming now.
B: Oh no! Damn, that’s bad. That’s bad.
M: All this is, is a setup for you having to do an even bigger trip… B: Somebody just followed me that is from your family, that’s not a joke.
M: …with Ashley’s family.
M: Are you serious?
B: I think, like, one of your cousins just followed me. [laughing] On tw- just notified me.
M: Is that actually true? B: I think that might actually be true.
A: Well my dad’s…
B: Actually, Ashley.
M: Actually true.
A: …my dad’s just figured out Twitter.
B: Yeah, it’s good.
A: It could be him. B: Do you talk to…
B: How often are you, like, in contact with Anna’s parents? Your lovely wife, Anna.
M: Never met ‘em before. [Burnie laughing] B: Ne- really?
M: I’ve seen pictures.
B: You avoided the whole thing? M: Yeah, I’ve seen pictures here. I hear they’re nice. B: You know what I was thinking about the other day? Is it fair to say there has been pressure on you over the years when you moved to Austin for school…
B: … originally being from Atlanta, Georgia.
M: Atlanta, Georgia.
B: Lovely city, lovely city… M: It is.
B: Moved to Austin for school.
B: Anna went to school in… Tennessee? M: Somewhere in America. Memphis, Tennessee.
B: Was it Memphis-ish area.
B: That area. And, uh, she, her plan initially was to always moves back to… Atlanta.
M: Atlanta. B: Then you were in Austin, but then you even went even further away, you went all the way to LA.
M: That’s right. B: And then made your way back to Austin.
M: That’s right. I thought I might just move out to like, a houseboat, in the middle of the Pacific, just keep going. See how far I could go.
B: Go to the antipode of Atlanta with a… M: I’m not gonna go as far as Guam because it won’t exist soon, but, you know just… see what happens.
B: Are you worried about that? [Matt laughs] Maybe I don’t have to talk to Ashley’s dad! M: Well, oh, yeah, well maybe not.
B: Maybe just Trump and Korea will get mad at each other…
M: Yeah, maybe so.
B: …and we’ll be done. M: Yeah.
B: Are you, genuinely are you worried about it? ‘Cause I think, for a lot of young people, this is the first time in their life that…
M: Well, I always try…
B: …people have said the words “Nuclear War.”
M: Right. And I was trying to think about it in the context of when we grew up which was during the Cold War.
B: God, we talked about it like every other day. M: Yeah. And I remember think… when I was a kid, we thought, I mean, I feel like we thought like every week there could be a nuclear war and there was…
M: …and there was always stuff in popular culture… B: TV shows.
M: …lots of TV shows, I remember, like, movies that were like, uh, The Day After or…
B: The Day After was horrifying. M: Right, or all those kinds of movies that were like, it’s like, it’s gonna happen, just when. Right?
B: Yeah. M: And we haven’t been in that headspace, just, you know, in the public mindset in a long time, and so it’s weird just to have people talking about it like… before you can even think about like “is it real?” is something to be concerned about, it’s just like… it’s weird. Like, we’re in the future, right? I feel like we’re in the future, like, you know, we’re at the point were we have autonomous cars… I saw an article day about, uh… the airlines are ready to just turn over planes to autonomous flying.
M: You know, because…
B: And like, but will people fly in them? It’s like…
M: But will people fly in them.
B: … most, most planes are autonomous for like 95% of the trip.
B: Auto pilot’s the word that everyone uses for that.
B: Yeah. M: Exactly and, but I… you always think like “ok well, what do we get out of the future?” You know, we get flying cars and we get robots and we get all this stuff, um, and it seems like “oh, all of our problems are solved,” but now our problems aren’t solved because there’s still, like, crazy people. What are your thoughts?
B: See, to me, the big shift that took place in the ‘80s, and it might have been a little bit before that, um, was, if you look at movies there was, I think, a turning point…
B: …in which when people talked about the future, it was all about how we were going to build big, incredible things… M: Right.
B: …and then it shifted to, in the future when the world is destroyed.
M: Right. B: And there was a shift. It’s like with The Jetsons, we were living in the sky and everything… Star Trek we’re exploring the stars. Everything in the ‘80s is like “when the nuclear holocaust happened in 1997,” you know what I mean? And it’s like everything became that. Everyone’s view of the future became apocalypse.
B: And it stuck for a long time, like, that has been pervasive, but this talk of like nuclear war and everything, no, not really.
M: Not really.
M: It was just kind of an ambiguous apocalypse or like, every apocalypse thing is the same, like, even ours. Like, the apocalypse thing is like always, you know, something’s missing. It’s water or fuel. Day 5 it’s sleep. Right? Something’s missing. Sanity is not usually the thing that’s missing.
M: Right? But that is what’s missing right now.
B: I think right now we have the evaporation of truth, like, no one can say that anything is true, right?
M: Right. B: There’s nothing anymore that can be…
M: That’s factual.
B: …an accepted fact.
M: Well, I tell you what. We’re gonna have this eclipse on the 18th and then we’ll see what’s true and what’s not.
B: Did you read the weird stat that the eclipse path goes over all like, Trump counties? [laughs] M: Oh, come on!
B: That’s just, like weird thing… I’m sure somebody in the Huffington Post…
M: Oh, come on!
B: …saw that and they were like “I have my headline for today.” M: Oh, come on.
B: “Thank God. This is it, I can talk about this.” So… what are we gonna do Ashley? Can we… can we tell your dad that it’s nuclear war and that we’re scared? A: Are you trying to get… are you trying to get out of telling my dad anything? That’s what it sounds like.
B: I… I, uh, I will talk to him. You want me to text him right now?
M: That is a great… that’s a great excuse, though.
B: Nuclear war?
M: Can’t… can’t… can’t make it, gotta build a bunker. B: I can see what he will say here.
M: Duck and cover. Sorry pops. That’s a good… [laughing] that’s a good excuse if you’re looking for an excuse. B: Oh gosh, I don’t wanna send this text.
A: Send it.
B: I’m gonna try to… help me, help me write this. It looks like we might have to change plans…
M: Are you texting him right now? B: Yeah, I’m gonna chext him, text him right now… …change plans… …Ashley is very sorry. [laughs] Can I throw you under the bus?
A: How dare you?
B: That’s it’s her fault… slanted smiley emoji. M: Oh, man. B: Is that good? Are you going to see The Emoji Movie?
M: A slanted smiley… well, Jon invited me apparently. B: Have your kids not dragged you to see The Emoji Movie?
M: Thank God they have not.
B: You have better kids than I do. M: Tell them that.
B: My kids took me to The Emoji Movie.
M: Did they really?
B: Ashley went too, opening day.
A: They did.
M: Wow. Opening and closing day, same day, it’s amazing.
B: It’s terrible, dude. It’s un-fuckin’-believable. M: Yeah.
B: Do you watch Silicon Valley?
M: But… I do.
B: TJ Miller left Silicon Valley to work on stuff like The Emoji Movie.
M: I know.
B: I keep bringing this up, but it’s just baffling to me. He’d seen the movie. He’d been in the movie. He knew. He must have known.
M: He knew what the movie was going to be…
M: …before he made that decision.
B: And he was excited.
M: Yeah… I don’t know [Laughing]. B: You gotta, well, listen.
M: I don’t know what to say there.
B: It’s worth it from a cultural basis to go see it. Okay, here’s what I’m writing your dad: “It looks like we might have to change plans…” um, well… I don’t know what else to say. M: Wrong… just say…
A: Are you gonna apologize for getting his hopes up?
M: Wrong number, new phone, who dis?
B: [Laughing] “Sorry…” um… A: Say, “it’s all my fault. I am the worst. I am not the best.” B: “Looks like we might have to change plans if that’s the case.” Oh God.
M: While he’s busy… B: I don’t wanna do this.
M: …lying to your father…
B: I’m not lying!
M: What… what I want to know is like, what kind of guy is your dad? Is he, like, will he take retribution… on Burnie, as he should, or… A: No.
B: Her dad’s super nice.
A: He’ll… he’ll be nice. He’ll put his trailer back in storage….
B: Oh stop.
A: He’ll say “it’s fine. We’ll see you again some other time. How long’s it been since you’ve been home? Oh, more than a year?” B: That’s your… you’re the child though. You’re… I’m just the guy in the hat.
A: Yeah, but he wouldn’t be sad right now if you hadn’t got his hopes up, Burnie.
B: I know. A: I have a strategy and it’s just ongoing, constant disappointment. I try not to break that trend.
B: Do you think you’re a bad daughter? A: Oh, yeah.
B: You know…
A: Burnie, their Christmas presents are still next to your car. [laughter] B: That is true.
A: It’s August!
B: That is true. There’s a box in the garage that I have to step over every time I go to get in my car and it’s the Christmas presents.
A: From last Christmas.
B: Well, yeah, not from next Christmas. You can just double up this coming Christmas. A: I’m considering it. They’re already wrapped.
B: What’s wrong? What’s wrong?
M: They can be… just make them eclipse presents. B: Why do you think you’re like that?
M: We can make a new holiday. Everybody give each other a present on the eclipse. A: I mean, I spent enough time, like, overseas, that it was, like, there are no Christmas presents. There’s no urgency to pretty much any of it. I’m not going to see you for years at a time and that’s okay. I moved back… I never quite got back into the habit of, like, they’re seeable, if that makes sense. M: What? A: Like, you know when you get, like, I was… I was thousands and thousands and thousands of miles away… B: Yeah.
M: When you lived in Australia.
A: …and it would have been, you know, 24 hours of traveling to come see them, so I saw them twice the whole time I lived overseas, and when I moved back, I just never, that never changed just because they were closer.
M: Mmm. B: I get it. So you got in the habit of just… not being in the habit of seeing them. A: Yeah.
B: Is that a good way to put it?
A: Yeah. Although, they don’t… they also don’t come visit me, and I have a chip on my shoulder about that one, let me tell you.
B: In the future, it’s a lot faster if you just say terrible daughter. Just, it’s a lot faster.
A: I did. I said that earlier. How many, I mean, yeah, terrible.
M: So clearly you feel like you have some liberty… B: What?
M: …to not… well, I was, let me finish.
B: Go ahead.
M: To… to, you know, you’re not overly concerned about pissing off her family.
B: I’m very concerned about it. What makes you think that I’m not concerned about it?
M: ‘Cause you’re not doing this thing that you can do. B: That we go to Salt Lake City? Actually no, listen, it was… it was explained to me… M: Here’s…
B: …by her dad… M: …but she, it sounds like her dad is a very forgiving gentleman…
B: He is.
M: …and he won’t hold it against you. B: I hope not.
M: See, with Anna’s family… [Burnie laughing] …so… like, half Anna’s…
B: Get those links ready.
M: …half of Anna’s family is Sicilian…
B: Right. M: All right? So, there’s really like… there’s nothing you can do there, right? You gotta, you gotta be all in or all out. Do… did I ever tell you, like, her, like, ancestors, all right, maybe I told this story in the podcast, I can’t remember or not, about her ancestors coming to the United States from Italy?
M: From Sicily?
B: No, I don’t think I know this story.
M: Okay. B: This is a big trap, by the way, with podcast stories, the other person goes “no I’ve never heard this.”
M: Yeah, well, so, I’ve probably told this then, but so, like her, great-great… grandfather or great-great uncle or something like that, like, 100 years ago, uh, immigrated to… when they… when they immigrated to the U.S., uh, it was like because her great… I’m gonna say great-great uncle, I don’t remember what it was, it was a great-great uncle, uh, her… the, the… his wife had an affair with like, his cousin or something.
B: Oh, I know this story, right?
M: Yeah, and so, like, he caught them and was going to kill them, I guess, and… not I guess, he was gonna fuckin’ kill them, and so they they, they hightailed it and they were like “let’s go try this new continent over there. Let’s go to America.” So they get… they get over there and they had kids already, right? So take the babies and they end up in, in the U.S. …
B: They took… they took the guys kids, too?
M: Yeah. So he’s like, “well fuck this” right? And he’s like, he’s like a farmer in Sicily and he’s like, “I’m just gonna hunt these people down. I don’t know where they went,” but he like, he like saved his money and he went and he bought like this pearl-handled pistol and then he follows them to [laughing] to New York or New Jersey…
M: Yeah, yeah. Follows them to New York or New Jersey, and then he spends like 15 years, like, walking the streets of New York trying to find them to kill them.
B: Just to run into ‘em?
M: Just to run into them because he had no idea where they were. He knew they were somewhere, ‘cause everybody went in through Ellis Island… B: Yeah, yeah.
M: So somewhere there, so he’s like walking the streets for like 15 years with this pearl-handled pistol where he had specially, like, designated like, you know, this bullet with your name on it kind of thing, right?
M: And, after 15-20 years can’t find ‘em, but the kids find him, right? And they’re like “Dad? What are you doi-?” You know? “We thought, you know, you were dead,” or whatever, it was like, kind of figure the whole thing out, it was like “well listen, you’re not gonna kill Mom, we’re not gonna gotta you where she is” you know [Burnie laughing]. “This is crazy, let us take you back home.”
B: To Italy?
M: To Italy, right? And so, you know, let’s get over this vengeance thing.
B: 15 years?! [laughing]
B: Just get over it.
M: Right. I mean, the kids had time to grow up during this thing, right? So he takes, it’s all by boat, right? So it’s like. I don’t know how long, 3 months, 4 months on a boat right?
B: Right, M: So they go back from… New York, back to Sicily. You know, he was a lavender farmer… isn’t that a great image? So many great images in this. Pearl-handled pistol and a lavender farmer .
B: Lavender farmer.
M: Lavender farmer.
B: Is lavender a flower? It’s purple.
B: It’s a purple farm.
M: Sounds good.
M: So it gets back to his, uh, his purple flower farm and, uh, [chuckled] it had been like, taken over by all their surrounding farms, like, you know, like, basically…
B: Sure, gone. M: It had been divvied up. He like, had been gone for 10, 15 years, right?
M: So he goes back, so he has nothing, right? There’s nothing there. It’s like, “well, you know what, I’m screwed. Can’t live here anymore. I have a little bit of, you know, life going on in New York, so I’m going to go back there.” Tries to go back. In the meantime, he has developed glaucoma.
B: Okay. [laughing] M: Which, at the time, was something they prevented you from entering the United States if you had.
B: Glaucoma? M: Yes.
M: You get to Ellis Island and they’re like, “Oh, you have glaucoma? Nope, not happening.”
B: Is that when they do the… the puff… M: Yeah, I don’t know… probably is what they did back in.
B: The air puff? M: Yeah, they’re probably just like… thunks you in the eye or something. I don’t know.
B: Give you a good solid thump. [laughing] M: Yeah, but he gets all the way back, so it’s like years and years of traveling right? It’s not like you know, today it’s like you didn’t hop on a jet and he’s over there it’s like you’re on a filthy, like, he’s probably in steerage. You know? Like the people who died on the Titanic that’s… that’s him.
M: Right in the bottom of the ship, you know, with the rats and finally makes it back all the way to Ellis Island and they’re like “No. We see you lived here before, but you have glaucoma now so get the fuck out.”
B: “Go back.”
M: “Go back” and so he goes back to Sicily and he just dies a pauper. B: Wow!
B: All because his… wife slept with her cousin?
M: Yeah. B: Honestly if that happened, I’d be like, I dodged a bullet there, if I married somebody who’s sleeping with their cousin.
M: Yeah well… B: Was it his cousin or her cousin? Does it matter?
M: Both. [Burnie laughing]
B: Probably. Probably the same.
M: Right? So, basically, I… I can’t fuck with that side of the family [laughing].
B: Yeah, we’re gonna go to Salt Lake for the eclipse, Ashley. That’s the plan now. We’re going to Salt Lake after that story. A: Yeah. So, so, the lesson is don’t fuck with my dad?
B: Don’t fuck with anybody’s dad apparently. [laughing]
M: Yeah. Unless they have glaucoma, then you’re in the clear. You’re good. B: What happened to the pistol? Did that like get passed down through the family?
M: Oh ma, wouldn’t that be great?
B: It should have!
M: Yeah, it should have, right? I’ll have to, I’ll have dig up that part.
B: I’m sure he probably had to sell it at some point.
M: He probably did. He probably got back and that was like, that… hat’s a good dramatic conclusion for this, right? So he gets back and he has to sell the pearl-handled pistol just to, well, I mean…
B: And then the person he sells it to like, pulls off a mask and it’s the guy and he shoots him. [Matt laughing]. That’s what it is. Well did I ever… did I ever tell you the story about the time where I was in, uh, we were at one of our screenings for Red vs. Blue at the Lincoln Center, and we all went out to drink at the Irish bar?
M: Oh, yeah. Well, my sister was there.
B: Yeah, yeah. Jane, your sister, was there.
B: And, uh, listen, can we… can…
M: No, no. I know, no, I know, no.
B: All right.
M: No. Why… why would you even…
B: You tell it!
M: Why would you even want to bring it up? I don’t know why you would want to bring it up.
B: There’s two… because it’s not a true story!
M: Okay. But why…
B: It’s not a true story! [Matt laughing] There’s two stories that we tell. If yours is the story that I told about how you and I met…
M: Okay… okay what… I don’t know why you would wanna say that though…
B: …and you came to me one day and said… M: Why would you bring it up?
B: Because I don’t want you telling everybody that story anymore.
M: I don’t tell it! I don’t go around… I wasn’t gonna tell it here!
M: But now you’re gonna bring it up now, I have to tell it.
B: The… there’s a story… M: You brought it up, now I have to tell it….
B: You asked me to tell the story correctly and not tell it in a funny way.
M: That’s not the real… okay… B: And I… you… I stopped telling the story.
M: That’s not the truth!
B: I stopped telling the story.
M: I never tell the story either! You brought it up Just now why would I tell it? Whyjust now. Why would I tell it?
B: You just… why would I tell your sister’s story? M: I said my sister, she’s in New York, I can’t mention my sister for the rest my life? B: Matt, Matt has a very good-looking sister.
M: Oh my God.
B: And when you’re 20, when you… when you’re 21- 22 years old, your friends comment on that.
M: Yeah! B: And I commented on how good-looking your sister was, So Matt tells the story for the next 25 years he tells it this way, “and Burnie came up to me and goes ‘yeah man, your sister looks just like you, she’s so fucking hot’” And I’m, who would say those words?! [off-screen laughing] Who would say that? You tell… you embellish the story with this thing where I…
M: [fumbling] I couldn’t… I… I wouldn’t even think of that in the first place! Why would I make that up?
B: Because she’s your sister and you’re mad. M: But… what am I mad about? B: Because your friend is going go “oh your sister’s hot dude, what’s going on?”
M: Oh my God. B: Jane’s lovely, by the way.
M: Anyway, Burnie, and I used to date. [Burnie laughing] B: We actually, we lived together.
M: We lived together for a long time. How long did we live together? Five years?
B: Was it that long? Talk about… our apartment had rats.
M: Oh. Well, you know, it probably… we probably were like, actually, we probably had the apartment together for five years but didn’t actually live there together for five years.
B: Yeah, you moved away to L.A.
B: Yeah, you and Joel did when you guys were doing your L.A. stuff. M: Yeah. B: And then Vic, the actual person, Vic, showed up at my apartment… M: Right.
B: …to replace you because you were staying at his place in Venice. M: Yeah, we switched.
B: We should go find that place. Do you remember where that place was in Venice?
M: I do. I remember exactly where it is. It was on Navy at the end of the street, the last apartment building on the right.
B: By the way, 100% ruined my impression of real estate in Los Angeles, ‘cause the first place that Matt lived in Los Angeles was literally half a block off of Venice Beach.
M: It was unbelievable. B: Like you would walk out the front door, turn to your right, and there’s the fucking ocean right there.
M: Yeah, if anybody who’s listening or watching knows, uh, like, it’s right where Venice and Santa Monica, like, kind of where the border is, it’s technically Venice. It’s Navy Street. There’s a Davy Jones Liquor Locker.
B: Yeah. M: It was there on the corner.
B: Basically, start in Santa Monica… M: But when you get to the… when you get to the ocean…
B: …start walking south until you get mugged and then you’re there.
M: Exactly, yeah. As soon as you get mugged you know you’re in Venice.
B: In the right place. [laughing] M: Yeah.
B: I was looking at… I was looking at, like…
M: I used to, you know where I used to… remember where I used to park? B: At a church or something?
M: No, no, well, sometimes I just had to park wherever because there was no, no place to park, but I would park behind a dumpster and if they didn’t put the dumpster back in just the right way you couldn’t park there, but it was a designated space. It was like, it was supposed to be a real space, but it was like, it was like parking space/dumpster.
B: And they would just like encroach on the space.
M: Yeah, and it’s just.. yeah. So there was like, it was the weirdest situation because like, the apartment itself was kind of scuzzy and, you know, gross, but it was like, it was right on the ocean so you just didn’t care. You know, it was… it was an interesting, uh, an interesting first place to live in L.A. B: It was. And like I said, as someone, you were just out of college, we had no money whatsoever…
M: No. B: …and you, you lived half a block from the beach.
B: I still don’t understand that to this day.
M: At one point Joel moved in with us, and then so, it was me and Vic, ‘cause Vic had come back. [Burnie chuckling] I don’t remember… what, what was going on in Austin at that time? I guess you just had the apartment to yourself. B: I did…
M: At that point, right?
B: And then he came down to just hang out.
M: But then he after that he came back. Or did he go back and forth twice?
B: Yeah he did.
M: But at some point he came back to Venice and so, and then Joel had come either right before or right after that or something, and so all three of us were together and that’s when Vic would… would trick us into eating weird things.
B: Oh trick you, not me.
M: No, no, no. Me and Joel. B: Yeah.
M: And, and, well he, I’m sure he tricked you. He must have tricked you.
M: Plenty of times.
B: Yeah, probably.
M: He’s kind of like, he likes, he’s kind of a prankster. He’s like [Vic voice] “and you’d never believe it has salmonella. Hello.” vB: This is, by the way, if you haven’t figured out yet, this is the guy that the character Vic in Red vs. Blue is based on.
M: Is based after. B: Because we all had Vic impressions for years.
M: He changed… you changed his name, though.
M: His name’s not Vic, anymore. I don’t remember his real name.
B: I believe his name now is Lucien.
M: Lucien, that’s a good name.
B: Yeah, and also… M: He’s good friends with Bill Nye, right?
B: Uh, weird connection… Bill Nye?
M: Yeah. I think… is it good friends with Bill Nye and also Freddie?
B: Freddie Wong, yeah. I think he taught Freddie Wong at USC.
M: Oh right.
B: like, which was the weirdest connection, I think, and Freddie told me that he put the connect together independently. He’s like…
M: Oh real… oh really?
B: From what I understand, Freddie Wong, years before we met him, was the guy who showed Vic Red vs. Blue and said “this guy’s based on you.” M: Yeah!
B: I’m 100% sure.
M: [Vic voice] “Dude, that’s totally me. Can’t believe they’re doing my voice like that. I don’t sound anything like that. Doodlie-doo.” [Burnie laughing] B: All right, well since our CEO, Ashely, do you have anything else you want to add before we say good evening to you? I have to, I have to do business in front of the CEO here.
A: No. I, I think we agreed that, uh, that it’s your fault, so, I’m done here.
B: Okay. But, for the record, Matt looks nothing like his sister. I just want to be clear with you about that.
A: No, I know. She’s hot though.
M: I’m getting… A: She’s hot, though. Remember she came over… came over for swimmies…
B: There we go. There we go.
M: I’m gonna find a picture of her sister now. A: And uh, yeah, she’s a good-looking lady.
B: You’re gonna find a photoshopped thing with Matt’s face over…
M: Oh my God, that’s great. Somebody just photoshop me with long hair. [Burnie laughing]. B: All right.
M: Tweet that so I can just have it.
B: Everyone knows how much our podcast host, Gus, loves his dogs Oswald and Benjamin. Are those their names? Gus was telling me that he was on the lookout for cool, functional accessories for his dogs. Ashley come on back for a second, and he came across an awesome new collar called Link AKC. And it’s not just a collar. You know, I said to him about this when he was telling me about this thing, I asked him if they have it for cats also And he goes “no, this is a dog collar.” Isn’t that, that’s, it’s terrible.
A: Don’t be snooty. Cats need collars, too, because cats will actually leave your yard and go somewhere else. They need people to be able to be like “you belong to this person.”
B: Joe the Cat is a dog-size cat, so he, I, hopefully we can get one for him. But, this is backed by the American Kennel Club. The Link A… excuse me, the Link AKC collar is a GPS locator, awesome, fitness tracker, and more, all controlled through a smartphone app and because Gus is basically obsessed with dogs, Gus loves the GPS locater because it tells him exactly where his dogs are. I’m also obsessed with knowing where my pets are at all points in time. There’s no more “did they get out of the yard, did the dog walker take them where they’re supposed to go?” You can see exactly where your dog is at all times right on your smartphone app. It’s a complete peace of mind for dog owners. My favorite part is the activity and wellness tracker or Gus, excuse me, Gus’ favorite part is the activity and wellness tracker. It doesn’t matter how old the dog is or what kind of dog it is. Link AKC shows the exact amount of activity every dog needs. I cannot, I just like, I don’t know if… it would be great if they made this for cats, but it would be just like, just a flat line all day… all day long.
M: You need a fish.
B: Oh stop it, how dare you? Everyone who sees this thing loves it. It’s easy to set up with sizes for every dog. It even won the CES Best of Innovation award of 2017. Link AKC is super comfortable and looks great on Oswald and Benjamin. He wrote that for me to say. I know he did. Call to action, take advantage of the Link AKC summer sale for big savings on a collar to help you keep your dog safe, happy, and healthy plus, as a special thank you for supporting Rooster Teeth Podcast, use ROOSTER TEETH at checkout at LinkAKC.com to save even more and get free shipping. That’s ROOSTER TEETH code at l-i- n-k-a- k-c.com, that’s linkAKC.com and use the code ROOSTER TEETH and… Gus will be very happy that you’re keeping your dog safe.
M: That is pretty cool actually.
B: Like Oswald and… the other one. [laughing] Whatever the other one’s name is. Yeah. I don’t know. I feel like, I feel like I’m gonna get one of these things and throw it on Joe the Cat just for hell of it. A: No, that’s great. Remember when Joe went missing for three weeks? B: We were on, we took a brief little vacation this last weekend, and we were constantly wishing we had a way to track Joe to make sure he’s there.
B: We’re look at our… we have cameras that we can see, we were looking at the cameras and watching the cat’s poop.
A: Right, well, and we also figured out we now have a pet raccoon. B: Yeah.
M: Ah, nice.
B: Well, I actually kind of like the raccoon.
M: Moving up in the world.
B: He came in through the cat’s door and he was eating poop out of the litter box.
M: That’s… B: At first I was mad, but it’s like… can’t get mad at that, bro.
M: Did I tell you my… my… my uncle’s… raccoon story?
B: This is a weird segue [laughing]. Go ahead. I wanna hear about your uncle and a raccoon.
M: So, they had a, uh… lives in Dallas. They had, like, the pet door, like the regular pet door, but you know, in the bottom of the thing, but theirs was weird where it came in, instead of being in the door, it was in the wall, and then it went into a hall closet.
B: Oh, okay.
M: And then there was another space after that, and I don’t know if they thought like, “well the closets like a mudroom for the animal” or what, what… why it’s…
B: Yeah. M: …set up that way.
B: It’s all contained.
M: Yeah, but that’s how it was set up, and so, and then one night they, um, heard scratching, and you know, crazy stuff in the, in the kitchen, got up and goes in there and sees a raccoon. And the raccoon’s like, tearing up the kitchen, eating bread, and just doing…
B: They’re horrible animals.
M: They’re horrible. And claws and, you know how they are, and, it’s like “oh man, well, this is a problem.” You know, and tried to show them out, whatever, but raccoon comes back later, they realize the problem is the pet door. Right?
M: Come in, do that.
B: I would have assumed that immediately.
M: Right, of course? So, uh…. you’re trying to edit my story as I tell it. So, they get a, uh, a cage like that closes when something walks into it, right?
B: A little trap.
M: Little trap. They put that in the closet, right? Where the one little pet door is, right? Comes in through there, problem solved, right?
M: So, in the middle of the night they hear the “kachun,” right, of the little cage closing, and then [animal noises] and then just like craziness and like wild banshee like [noises] and scratching [scratching noises] and just like horrible, horrible stuff, uh, for like two hours, and they’re afraid to go in the door.
B: I don’t blame ‘em. [laughing]
M: There’s this rabid raccoon that’s gone nuts, right? And so finally in the morning they go in there and they open the door and they look in and, open a door at eye level, they’re looking at where all their coats and jackets should be and they’re all gone. They’re like “well, that’s weird” and then they look down, and the cage is one of those with like the little, you know, like wire mesh…
M: …where’s there like, little hole openings like that big, right? The raccoon had bonked around crazily, gotten so furious, and grabbed like thick leather coats and all this crazy stuff and in its fury, pulled them into this cage with it and destroyed all of their winter coats, like, everything [Burnie laughing] like, all of, everything in their closet.
B: Could be a couple grand worth of damage. M: It could be. So they left the house and the raccoon lives there by itself now. B: Did the raccoon die from pulling in all these coats?
M: No! No, it was actually, it was, it was like…
B: Like a box of shredded clothes. M: …it was in there just in a box of shredded clothes going [snarling] like that.
B: I feel like I should send Control a, uh, a raccoon video that I saw the other day. Can you guys look at the guy who fights the raccoon on his porch? Raccoon, I’ll try to, try to come up with the video for you guys. But uh, yeah, don’t, just don’t mess with raccoons. They’re just like, they’re, they’re horrible animals. They’re vicious. Let me, I ran into…
M: Everybody wants to make a hat out of them but it’s not worth it.
B: You rarely ever run into, look up raccoon versus man broom, look up that one if you could please. M: Oh man.
B: Um, I saw the, an animal that I wish I saw more living in Texas and I think people see… think we see them all the time. M: What’s that?
B: An armadillo. And I saw an armadillo the other day.
M: Oh, I, when we were in [inaudible] I’d see them all the time.
B: Yeah, I love them. They’re so stupid.
B: They’re like… they just… M: But there, they’re bad… they’re as horrible as bats, though, in terms of they carry…
M: …leprosy and… B: I don’t know that they give people leprosy, though. I also don’t know if you get leprosy if that’s like, that’s like a done deal. So it’s like… M: You don’t think so?
B: …they cure that now. They got like a thing they give you like…
M: I’m just imagining the guy on Game of Thrones with the scale stuff. Whatever that things called.
B: Uh Mor… or Jorah Mormont?
M: It’s like… he looks like he’s, to me, he’s like, if you’re from Texas it looks like he’s turning into an armadillo.
B: Yeah, pretty much.
M: Right? That’s the disease. Eventually you’ll just be able to ball up and roll away.
B: The Texas platypus. [Matt laughing]
M: The Texas platypus. B: The armadillo.
M: That’s the perfect name for it.
B: They’re just so weird. They’re like part pig, part bug.
M: Yeah. Part squish.
B: Rat. Mhm, mmm… That’s the guy with the raccoon in there.
M: Oh my God.
B: Raccoon came by and attacked and he’s like “fuck you get out of here.” M: That’s not, that’s not even a big raccoon though.
B: And then look at this, keep watching. The raccoon’s like “fuck yeah buddy.” [Burnie laughing] M: Yeah, they’re… they’re horrible. B: Oh apparently, apparently…
M: They’re really bad.
B: …when somebody told me previously of that, showed that video, she had little babies in that little hose container…
B: …so she was not gonna leave her babies. M: Yeah, that’ll do it.
B: You know, even if he’s swinging that broom at her.
M: Or she might have had a leather coat. You never know. Real protective.
B: She might have gone through the cat door. M: So, you saw an armadillo and…
B: Matt, I just wish I saw them more, you know.
M: You know what’s really horrible, is armadillo road kill.
B: Oh, it’s bad. A: I saw that this morning.
M: It’s just horrible. Oh, it’s awful, isn’t it?
A: There was one on the road, and it was cracked open like a melon. M: Oh God.
A: It was so sad.
B: You guys have made this a terrible story. M: That’s terrible. Well, I just… I saw, I’ll tell you I saw the other night. I went out to, we’re shooting Blood Fest, and so I went out there ‘cause one of locations we’re shooting right now it’s like way out and there was like a pack of, I couldn’t quite tell, they’re either wild dogs or coyotes.
B: They’re scary, aren’t they?
M: They look more like wild dogs and there’s probably like 10 of them.
M: And… and when I came around the corner, it’s dark, and it’s a desolate, empty road, dirt road, and I came around the corner, and I saw them kind of look over at the car and then they like scurried off and then I, like, drove up kind of parallel to where they were and slowed down and looked over and I see them and they’re all just waiting, looking at me. Like, you could tell like, “if this fucker opens the door or makes the wrong move we got him.” B: Eyeballing ya.
M: “We are fucking waiting for this guy to do the wrong thing, if he steps out, that’s it for him.” It’s a, it’s real, I mean, you can see like the, the pack mentality…
B: Mhm. M: …like in their eyes. They’re ready to jump out and do some damage. B: I always think like, cats, to me, have the worst poker faces?
M: Oh, for sure. B: Because you can completely read the intentions on the cat’s face. Like, the moment something happens and their ears flatten out and their eyes get super big you’re like “what the fuck, get away from me.”
M: Well, this is a well-known fact,that’s why it’s dogs playing poker and not cats playing poker. [Burnie laughing] B: Because they have… dogs have better poker faces?
M: That’s right. That’s right.
B: Even when they have the pack mentality?
M: That’s right. B: So how’s Blood Fest going? Doing a, doing a horror comedy.
M: It’s great. It’s really great. The cast is awesome.
B: Yeah. M: Um, uh, they’re all really cool and they’re really different. B: They seem like they’re really bonding the way the Day 5 cast has bonded as well.
M: They’ve got great chemistry and Jacob, uh, has been hilarious. I think a lot of people, I feel like, maybe, he might be the most well known right now because the Spider-Man movie. Uh, he’s really funny. Robbie’s just awesome and Seychelle’s been fantastic and Barbara is doing amazing. Um, and Nick’s in it too, Nick Rutherford’s in it, I don’t know if, did we, I think we announced that.
B: I don’t know. Well we did now.
B: So, Nick Rutherford from Crunch Time.
M: Nick’s great.
B: Among other things. M: Yeah, Nick’s really great, and so it’s just, like, it’s just a super solid cast. They’re really good. B: Yeah, and it’s, it’s funny because we had about four or five different horror projects that we were talking about.
B: You know, that we hadn’t done a horror movie of any kind and we wanted to do that and then just we discovered a story in Blood Fest that we really liked. M: So, I think people probably know that George Romero, for you, is a big inspiration.
B: Oh, huge inspiration.
M: And Sam, I don’t know, Sam Raimi for me was a huge inspiration and I don’t really consider either one of us, like, horror guys per se.
B: No, no that’s fair. M: But, I think like, when I think of, like, one filmmaker that super inspired me, like, Sam Raimi is a, like, in my top three for sure.
B: Sam Raimi specifically from Evil Dead?
M: From Evil Dead, yeah.
B: Because he also did Spider-Man. M: Right, yeah.
B: But yes, and Twister.
M: It’s kind of confusing in this conversation, yeah, but like Evil Dead 2 was like one of the first movies I saw where I was like “what is this? Are you allowed to make a movie this way?”
M: “I want to make weird stuff like this. That’s crazy.”
B: No. I agree. I remember, I remember my brother renting Evil Dead. The first Evil Dead is actually super scary. M: Yeah, it’s super scary. It’s a little more straightforward than Evil Dead 2.
B: Yeah, definitely more straightforward, yeah. Evil Dead 2 is like, an LSD fever dream. I don’t know how you would describe that movie.
M: Are there other like, like, I could probably nail like my top four filmmakers that I was like “that’s amazing. I’ve never seen anybody do that.” B: Yeah
M: Or heard of somebody doing it in that way, and I want to do it. Do you… are there others like, for you, like who comes to mind? B: I mean, I would say Spielberg, but you, I mean you could definitely make the argument that Jaws is a horror movie. M: Oh, for sure. Absolutely.
B: I mean it’s, you know, it’s a weird classification. I don’t know, I guess it would fall under drama? M: Right, right.
B: Or something, but it’s definitely… especially the way they ended up having to shoot Jaws because of the failure of the robotic shark. They had to shoot it, like, in his own words, it made him more like Alfred Hitchcock than Roger Corman. Wasn’t that what he said about it?
M: Yeah, yeah yeah.
B: Because he couldn’t show the shark for the first three quarters in the movie. They had to imply the shark was there and it was super fucking scary. So, yeah, Spielberg was a huge influence on me.
B: You know? Also, you know, uh, you know, George Lucas he had those prequels, those were a horror. [laughs]
M: Those were horrible. B: They were fuckin’ terrible.
M: To be sure, yeah.
B: No, but I’d say Speilberg, um, you know and it’s like. I don’t consider myself a super violent filmmaker either.
B: I don’, like, tend that way, but like Tarantino I just like, I remember in college how nuts I was for Tarantino.
M: Oh absolutely. B: I just thought it was amazing.
M: You got to meet him that time at that screening.
B: Dude, I think back on that now. It was Pulp Fiction. It was the first place, so our, the TV station we were talking about with the bats was in the basement of an auditorium, like, it was a theater, an old-school like art-deco theater called Hogg Auditorium on the UT Campus, University of Texas, and we would sometimes go up and watch movies behind the screen. They were flipped.
M: That’s right. We would watch them backwards. Yeah. B: Yeah, and we’d have to watch them, you know, basically like left-to-right flip.
M: So like, every John Woo, like…
M: …movie that way.
B: All the dubs.
M: Yeah, it was great.
B: And everything. But, for whatever reason, after, uh, Pulp Fiction won the Cannes Film Festival, the first place it showed in the U.S. was at Hogg Auditorium. They came up for a special screening, I think Linkletter put it together… M: Oh, oh.
B: And got them there. And I loved Reservoir Dogs so I thought “I’ll go see this guy’s movie or whatever” so I was in the screening and like Tarantino was there and I’m pretty sure maybe Robert Rodriguez was there and everything and it was like, they just were getting up and talking about to the, the crowd afterwards. It was fucking, it was incredible, it was amazing. So, it was, uh, and I think… I remember going into Pulp Fiction and I’m think… I don’t know if it had come out yet, but I remember talking my girlfriend at the time and telling her, I was like, “you know, this is the guy that wrote Natural Born Killers” which, who the fuck cares about Natural Born Killers now?
M: Right. Right. B: You know what I mean? It’s Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction are American classics.
A: Other girlfriends? Burnie, are you playing?
B: Sorry. I’ll tell your dad about it. [Ashley and Matt laugh] Talk it over.
M: Get the pearl-handled pistol.
A: Well you may be able to feature in an ex-leprosy victim, because it turns out it is curable now. M: Oh, really.
A: Yeah, noted here it says antibiotics using the treatment will kill any bacteria that cause leprosy, but while the treatment can cure the disease and prevent it from getting worse, it doesn’t reverse nerve damage or physical disfiguration that may have occurred before the diagnosis.
M: Oooo. A: So you can have someone who is…
B: And getting it cured will get you kicked out of the citadel, so.
A: Yes. M: It seems like that’s the disease where it’s like the armadillo is trying to turn you into another armadillo. [Burnie laughing]
A: That’s how they propagate. B: That’s how they make armadillos.
M: Right? That’s how they make ‘em. Like, here’s a… that’s the reproductive mechanism, is eventually you just… B: Yeah, and then you’re walking alone with your bug shell and everything else.
M: Yeah, that’s how it works.
B: When you were talk about Vic moving into, I think what happened was, at that point in time, I was living in the apartment alone, but that was also when I first started dating Jordan was during that time. M: Oh yeah.
B: And you had met her and I was going to make the comment where we were talking about earlier where it’s like, but you know how that is when you’re first dating someone you become inseparable, but you’d been dating Anna, like, I’ve never…
M: Well, you become inseparable.
B: Yeah, clearly, you two have become inseparable. How long have you guys been together now? M: Uh, oh gosh, a lo-… oof, like, I should answer this quickly.
B: It’s not a quiz.
M: I know, so she doesn’t think I don’t know.
B: We can cut this.
M: Since high school.
B: Yeah, since high school, right?
M: We were high school sweethearts. Yeah.
B: Yeah, that’s just, that’s, and we know several people like that. Um, like, Alan Ritchson from Lazer Team…
M: Oh, that’s right. Yeah. They’re the same… B: …and his wife. And Ed Robertson.
M: That’s right, them too, yeah.
B: It’s just like, it’s, that’s, that’s crazy. That’s crazy. M: Yeah.
B: It’s like, and I can remember, like, hearing about Anna.
B: You know? And it’s just like, “oh, it’s my buddy’s highschool girlfriend that goes to a different college.” And I was like “that’s not gonna last.” You know? [Matt laughing] Typically, but it’s, it’s crazy how that stuff works over time, like, do you remember the first time you heard about Ashley? Do you remember? Like, how did you guys meet? M: Uh, gosh, I want to say… I’m trying to remember, uh, Seattle? Something in Seattle? B: Yeah, we went on a trip to Seattle.
M: Seattle and did we, is there a place that we eat, like, what’s the hamburger place?
B: Oh… uh, uh, Burger… Burger…
A: Is that Lunchbox Laboratory?
M: Yeah, yeah that sounds right.
B: No, is it? Is it Lunchbox Laboratory?
B: Burger Master? M: No, no, oh, not our place.
B: Oh okay.
M: Yeah. Sorry. No, our place is special.
B: It is special. M: I would never confuse that. No the uh, the… B: I only take people there who are as hot as Matt’s sister.
M: The Lunchbox Laboratory is the place where they had like, the burger that confuses you, right? B: I only take people there who are as hot as Matt’s sister.
B: Yeah, they’re all weird, crazy. Great place in Bellevue.
M: No, it’s fantastic. It’s so confusing But I think that was the place, that’s what, I think that was the place that was, uh, that we were eating there or something and you said something about, I was, you know here… maybe not, maybe just in Seattle, but I feel like that was one of the first times you brought up Ashley.
B: I think that was like our, like our third date was in Seattle. A: I mean depending on how you count it, it might have been our second. We went up for the Halo premiere.
B: That is correct, that is correct. That’s what we did. Did you know Matt before that? ‘Cause she knew, she knew Gus and Geoff before we started dating.
A: Yeah. M: Oh really?
A: I don’t think I knew Matt.
M: Yeah, I wouldn’t… did you meet them at like a PAX or something?
A: Yeah, like, I think… I might Gus, like, first PAX. That’s why, that’s why I thought I knew Burnie. M: At a PAX?
B: Yeah. She only went out with me in Australia because she thought she knew me already. That was it.
M: I was there. I was probably just already blackout drunk. And that’s why we didn’t meet.
B: Yeah, you know what bugs me? Can I say something knowing you this long?
M: Oh, God.
B: I don’t like that you’re so much more, yeah, I don’t like first of all that you’re good at music, which, by the way, I have matches here, we’re gonna test something in a second.
M: Oh, God. Come on.
B: I don’t like that you’re so much better at music, then, I mean, I’m zero and you, how many instruments can you play? M: Half of one.
B: No, come on. You know the number.
M: I don’t…I don’t, well I can, I mean, I don’t know. They’re not… B: It’s… it’s more than ten, right?
M: Yeah, but not go- not well. You know?
B: Well I can’t play ‘em at all. Like, if I pick one up it’s like [bad music noises]. It’s like Hot Cross Buns and out of tune and everything. So, I don’t like that. I also don’t like the fact that out of the two of us, you’re the fun drunk. Like, people…
B: When get drunk people are like “oh shit.” When you get drunk, people get all excited. M: But you don’t, you don’t, you hardly ever get drunk.
B: I don’t.
M: I’ve got more practice at it.
B: So well, [laughs[, yeah, but you’re just more memorable. I’m just like a jerk. So Matt did this thing, Matt used to be able to do thing.
M: I can’t do it anymore. B: What, what is your primary instrument that you played for the longest amount of time?
M: My son was just calling me… um, I wonder if he’s watching. Uh… B: Not enough fanfare for him to watch it. Is it haunting you the fanfare thing.
M: Oh God every, every, every day, um… B: Saxophone, right?
M: S- I played saxophone a lot in high school, yeah.
B: So wind instruments primarily. M: I played a lot of wind instruments, yeah.
B: So Matt had this talent we discovered in college that Matt can blow out a match from an extraordinarily long distance. Like, they’ll do a test where you can blow it out at basically arm’s length…
M: Right. B: …and some people can’t do it. Matt could do it from, I mean, we got to like 20?
M: I could do it from across the room.
B: 20-25 feet away? And you could blow a match out from there. You wanna try this?
M: I’ll try it.
B: Okay. M: Okay, you’re setting me up for failure. There’s no, I might, it might just be like [spluttering noises] I don’t think there’s any way I can do it anymore.
B: It’s been a while since you tried.
M: ‘Cause I’m not…
B: Can I do it over here? M: Yeah.
B: Is that a good distance? M: Yeah, I guess so.
B: All right, we’re gonna try this, and then we gotta wrap this up. All right, here, match is lit. M: Okay.
B: I’m gonna hold it up.
M: It’s more about like the precision than the actual wind, I think. Like, I breathe from the diaphragm.
B: I gotta… the match… the match went out.
M: I did it. [Burnie laughing] B: You’ve gotten crafty in your old age, Matt. All right, you ready?
B: All right. I’m gonna light this. I’m gonna hurt myself.
M: Let’s see if I can do this.
B: We’re gonna set off a smoke alarm in here. [Matt blows air]
B: Close. Go again.
[Matt blows air again] He’s lost it M: Can’t do it anymore.
B: See, look, I did it. It was right there, no problem, but you used to be able to do it 25 feet… you gotta, gotta work on it, dude.
M: Yeah, I do, that’s sad.
B: Gotta work on it. If you don’t work on those skills they atrophy. M: That was like… oh man.
B: But that was like 10 feet away… M: Yeah…
M: Yeah, ish, there’s a lot of ish in that. B: So, we, I think we’ve talked about that before where we had people send us a bunch of clips of them doing it from as far away as they could.
B: So I’m curious, like, if anyone has any video clips of them.
M: It’s really about, it’s about the aim, more so, I think than, than…
B: So your aim’s off?
M: My aim’s off. I think if you’re good at flute, probably, you’re better at it than other wind.
B: Why? M: Well, just ‘cause they’re [blowing air] like being able to direct a stream of air.
B: Like a [pretends to play] into the thing?
M: Yeah. B: What’s that thing called?
M: The fluh-fuh-fuh?
B: [laughs] The thing? It’s like…
M: It’s called the fluh-fuh-fuh.
B: No, there’s no reed that goes in there. It’s just like a hole, right? It’s like a whistle.
M: It’s the, the mouthpiece? The mouthpiece, the ligature? The embouchure? Embouchure is how you hold your mouth. M: I’d be the kid with the fucking triangle in… in the band. What’s that?
Off-screen: Isn’t it the reed?
B: There’s no reed in a… a flute. Off-screen: Oh a flute, I thought you were still on sax. B: No, no, no. He’s got, no we’re good on that. He got mad at me one time because I took his saxophone one night when he was, when we were drunk and I played it and I broke the reed and you were legitimately mad at me… M: Was I really?
B: …and I learned that reeds are like 12 bucks.
M: They weren’t even that… I think that… you can get a lot of cheap reeds. I think I just had an expensive reed at the time.
B: Oh, did you?
M: Yeah and in college I guess 12 bucks is a lot.
B: Oh it is! Well, you were like “that’s 12 bucks, you owe me 12 bucks” I was like “where am I gonna get 12 bucks?” [laughing] I was like, I legitimately was like, thinking about, like, had a budget for the next month of where I was going to get the 12 bucks I could give you for the fuckin’ reed. [Matt laughing] Dude, I think our apartment was, like, I want to say it was like $325 a month? M: Yeah.
B: You know, that, we lived in.
M: It was, yeah it was ridiculous. B: That was total! Like, we each paid like $175.
M: And the rats paid like $5 each. [Burnie laughing] B: There was a rat every time I left the front door. There’s no rats anywhere in Austin.
B: I saw rat every day I lived in that apartment. M: We got rats at our house.
B: Do you?
B: We… we had… yeah, I guess we had some rat-ish problems at the old place because we were by the river. M: Do you know…
B: Being close to the river you got problems.
M: …if you live in Austin, the place I’ve seen the most rats at one time, it was so gross, is the intersection of Oltorf and… 35… at that light right there when you’re, when you’re going north and you exit, and you get off right there? Look over at the hill…
M: …that goes down to the highway. On some nights you will see, like, especially in the summer, you will see like the ground moving and it’s just like, it’s all rats.
M: Yeah. B: You, you freak out about rats too.
M: I don’t like rats. I don’t like rats at all. B: You drove to Houston for a photog-, you used to do photography.
M: I used to do photography. I do remember that, it was like… B: You saw a rat in Houston that freaked you out.
M: Well. It was not that, it was… it was that it was running across the highway…
B: Yeah. M: It’s like… w-why are you here? B: It sounds like the set up for a joke.
M: At that point, if a rat is like, a rat should be looking for food and water all the time…
B: All the time.
M: …or other rats to, to… to fuck, and so if you are… have time to run across a highway where there’s nothing for you, you have too much rat time on your hands. [off-screen laughing] You need to be engaged in the rat activities that will keep you alive, and if you have enough time to just fuck around going “you know what? I’m just gonna play Frogger with a couple cars” [Burning laughing] then you have a rat problem in your town, like, that’s too many rats. B: So we, I don’t have time to send this to you guys in the booth…
M: Houston’s filthy by the way.
B: …I just wanted to say that, uh, I Want to thank, uh, oops, Twitter user Alex Kopt [@Makverus]. He, uh, found a picture of Matt’s perfect sister.
M: That’s… 100%, wait, put it next to my face. Why are you holding it? Here… [Burnie laughing] look [Burnie laughing] Wait a minute.
B: I just wanna say, for the record, for the record.
M: I need to be in the shot.
B: That’s your face! It’s your face. M: See, look, what? Quit changing the fucking camera! Here, look. B: That’s his sister. That’s lovely Jane.
M: Now you can make-out with your laptop. B: All right, Matt. I can’t believe we still get along after all the time.
M: Oh we don’t at all.
B: I can’t believe it.
M: It’s all for show. B: Are you surprised that we still get along after all this time? Do you get along with anybody else that you’ve known as long as me? Besides Lupton? M: Uh… yeah… I was… B: Everyone has one dopey, everyone has one, everyone has one dopey friend that they have for their whole life and Lupton is…
M: Well, I’m definitely Jon’s dopey friend…
B: Are you?
M: …as opposed to the other way around. Absolutely.
B: Didn’t… didn’t Lupton, didn’t one time he fart so bad that he made himself throw up.
M: He did, yeah.
[Burnie laughing] He did. He was… it was him and Ashote [unsure of spelling] were in a car and like, it was raining, like, torrential rains and they couldn’t roll the window down and they had just eaten like, a huge, greasy, like, McDonald’s breakfast or something…
B: All right, all right…
M: And then Jonathan like, “this will be funny, I’m gonna, like, make Ashote gag” and so he farted like super bad, but it was so bad he made himself throw up. [Burnie laughing] B: That was like, the only thing I knew about this guy before I met him for like 4 years, that was it and then he cha… he stopped, nice guy, he stopped to change somebody’s tire on the Atlanta freeway and ended up changing all four of their tires and it took him like, an hour and a half.
B: Because they were the wrong size.
M: He’s a super good-Samaritan kind of a guy. B: Yeah, willing to help people out.
B: All right, Matt, I hope we can still have a conversation with each other…
B: …20 years from now.
M: Nah. We’ll see.
B: We’ll see. All right. Thanks for joining us everybody. Matt’s got to go back to work now. M: I gotta go find pictures of my sister to not show Burnie.
[off-screen laughter] No.
[End music]. Captions provided by @Stepherrr425 on Twitter