Gus: The other day I was reading these stories about fucked up experiments that had been done in the past. The government funded this experiment. They wanted to teach dolphins to speak. [laughter] Gus: So they built a house that was partially flooded so that a woman and a dolphin could live together. So they gave her the dolphin when it was tiny and the dolphin grew up with her. Problem was, when the dolphin reached sexual maturity it just wanted to bone her. The dolphin would get really aggressive and like, was bruising her and attacking her ’cause she wouldn’t have sex with it. So they started giving the dolphin conjugal visits. They would take the dolphin out of the house and let it have sex with other dolphins. But then they were like, “This is fucking up our experiment, we don’t know if we can teach it to speak if it gets to interact with other dolphins.” It became a little more gentle, like it was trying to court the woman. It would like, nibble at her feet and like roll-
Burnie: [laughing] Gus: And uh, it would roll over and show it’s junk to her. So she started giving the dolphin handjobs. Burnie: No! No. Get outta’ here. Gus: And uh, the dolphin became more receptive to their lessons after she started jacking it off. Burnie: Bullshit! Gus: But it still, it still wasn’t talking, so their solution was “Oh, of course, you need to do LSD with the dolphin.” So they started dropping acid together. Burnie: What the fuck, dude? Gus: And then after they started doing acid, the government cut their funding. Burnie: What’s the hope? What do they think a dolphin’s gonna say? Joel: More handjobs!