– I love that he clocked out
right as they made it a law. – That’s funny. He goes,
“You know you’re about to get arrested
if you don’t pay child support?” He goes, “Am I?”
– He goes, “Trish, what have I told you?
I’m a ticking time bomb.” He goes, “Dan’s about to be
a sophomore in high school. I can’t afford
that kind of scratch.” – Mwah! Peace!
– He goes, “I’m clocking out. “I don’t want to see–
I don’t want to see “what these midterms
are about to do to Clinton. I’m gone.” – “I ain’t buyin’
a graduation cap for that big head.”
– Yeah. ♪♪ I love that you think
that Gary paid child support. – No, my mom had to garnish
eventually. – Me too. Dude, I love that both
Trish and Terri both went the garnish route.
– Yeah, the garnish. Did your mom bring it to you
first or did she just garnish? – Dude, my mom–
my mom said it like she fucking
whipped one on him. She goes, “By the way, I’m
garnishing your father’s wages,” is what she said.
– My mom said to me and I was so, uh, spun around
and just groomed… – Yeah.
– …that, uh, I was like, no, don’t do that.
I go, he told me he has a very high furniture bill
for all his new furniture. My mom’s like, “We– all of our
furniture has rips in it.” – Yeah.
– And I’m like, I know, but he’s got nice stuff
and he really likes it. – He’s a good dude.
– He’s cool. He’s so much funnier than you.
– Dude, though, I mean– Yeah, come on, he’s fun.
Dude, my dad would own my mom when I was little,
’cause he would, whenever I would visit him–
– Yeah, do fun shit. – Dude, we just– after we were
at Dan’s Liquors, when we’d put in like–
probably once a week at least. I’d spend six weeks out there.
Once a week, after our shift
at Dan’s Liquors– – It wasn’t your shift, Dan. – I worked the shift.
I opened up. – You didn’t work the shift.
– I worked the whole shift. – You’d go in the back
and play with guys and hope that no one would
see you look at the porn. – I’d play with my guys
on the side of the counter in the front, eating Kit-Kat,
drinking Pepsis… – You should be embarrassed. – …and then going and playing
in the arcade for 5 bucks, which was pretty badass.
– That’s pretty good. Everything’s just
a quarter then, or was it 50 cents
at that point? – Quarter. “Street Fighter 2”
just came out. – Solid.
– And “Mortal Kombat” just came out.
It was a fucking great summer. – You’re a good kid.
– Um, you’re a good kid. But then my dad would just
take us to Toy World. – Yeah.
– It was us. He would just take me,
by myself. – Yeah, he would
take himself also? – Dude, my dad would buy–
he bought Starting Lineups one time and he was like–
I was like, are those for you? And he’s like, “Yeah,”
and I still got jealous. – “I was trying to hit
on the girl with the cans over on aisle four.”
– Always slinging it. – Yeah.
– When he lived in Denver still, we used to go to this bar
called Caldonia’s, which is– – Why did you go there?
– ‘Cause my dad wanted to get hammered and it was
my weekend with him. – You were a child.
– Yeah. – You weren’t
supposed to be in there. – They had a video game.
They had “Castlevania.” – You think that was for you?
– It was. I mean, there was a video game.
Who else was playing? – Was there other children
waiting to play the game? – No.
– No, there wasn’t, Dan. There wasn’t, was there?
You know why? ‘Cause it’s not for children.
– I got to play it. Yeah, now that I think about–
– I feel like your dad may have brought in
that “Castlevania” game to occupy you so he can get
hammered with his friends. So he’d get twisted up
and then, fucking, it’s, “Hey, let’s get out of here,
you son of a bitch.” – Dude, I swear to God,
we would walk– First off, we’d walk.
– Of course. He had DUIs.
– If you’re wondering– if you live in Denver,
you’ll know this is. My dad lived on the corner
of Iliff and Parker. There was an apartment complex
down there, and that’s right where
Caldonia’s was, in a gas station
called The Barn Store. My dad and I would walk across
the street– (“Margaritaville”
by Jimmy Buffett playing) Don’t play Jimmy Buffett
to this! We’d walk across the street
to The Barn Store, which is like a gas station.
He’d give me some candy for when we went home,
and then we’d go to Caldonia’s, and I’d get to eat the candy
playing video games, and my dad would
just get hammered. – Damn!
– Yeah, but my dad– Dude, you’re gonna love this.
– By the way, is there also
bikini girls there, Dan? Your father’s not
a good guy to you, huh? – No, he wasn’t.
– Go back to the original thing. Go back.
– Wasn’t a good dad. I mean, they did it at night. – Is that Caldonia’s
right there? Is that what’s happening, Dan? – I wish. I didn’t see that.
– What the Christ, Dan? – I didn’t see that lady there.
– Dan, of course you didn’t. That’s where your dad was while
you were playing “Castlevania.” – That’s in the parking lot.
I know that Yamaha store is still there, so that’s
definitely still– yeah, dude. This is where my dad
would take me. Yeah, one– that’s–
that’s it! Caldonia’s!
Dude, I want a Caldonia’s shirt. – “We have smokin’ breasts”
is their sign. – Yeah, yeah.
– Get the double entendre? – It closed.
It got knocked down. It’s not there anymore. It was a couple years ago
it got closed down. But they– my dad and I were
walking through the parking lot. This is a real–
I was maybe six years old. We’re walking through
the parking lot. – The sign is a pig
smoking a cigarette. – I know.
(laughter) – And it says,
“We have smokin’ breasts.” Somebody went up and put in
the words “We have smokin’ breasts.”
– RIP, Caldonia’s gone, but not forgotten.
I used to, uh– So we’re walking through
the parking lot and a car– I run in front of my dad
and a car stops, you know, like honks,
and I’m in the front. My dad’s like, “Hey!”
Gets in front of me, puts his hand up, you know? Then we like walk in.
I go and play video games, and I come back,
and my dad was drinking a beer with the dude
that almost hit me. – That’s fucking hilarious.
And one of the girls from the bikini contest
sitting on his lap? – No, there wasn’t–
– “Would you like this to be “your new mom, Danny?
I’m just fucking around. “What, you need another dollar
for the game? Here you go.”
– That was really it though. That last part
was pretty on point. “What, you need another dollar
for the game? Here you go.” – Here you go, bud.
– I bothered Trish and Gary at a lot of bars.
– I’m gonna get so– That’s fucking bizarre
they used to just bring you to a bunch of bars.
– Yeah, I don’t know, man. It’s– you know.
– You were abused. – Wasn’t abused.
– Dan? – What?
– You’re not supposed to be in a bar as a child. – I’m sorry that I have
an adult-like personality ’cause I grew up in–
– Is that what it was? Fucking cut to Dan
being a little kid. He’s like, “Sing us a song!
You’re the piano man!” – (high-pitched voice)
I go, George, you’re over there. You haven’t fucked her
in five years. Guys, I’m gonna play
“Castlevania.” Can I get another
Shirley Temple? And God damn it, step on it.
Gary, do a shot. We gotta get out of here.
– Yeah. – “Saturday Night Main Event”
is coming on. We gotta go home. I wanna watch
Hogan vs. Slaughter. – Would he take you there to get
day drunk or night drunk? – (normal voice)
Yeah, both. – Both.
– We would go both. Dude, my checked out
at 48 of cirrhosis. – Yeah.
– Motherfucker put in work. Yeah, dude, my dad–
I didn’t realize– – Taking you to the bar
is crazy. – Dude, both my parents
took me to the bar. – Is that you, DJ Lou?
– My mom didn’t take me to bars a lot. She’s done it only a couple
times, so, you know. – The law got involved?
– No, no, no. Gary, it was like exclusively–
He would take me to shifts when he was a bartender
at a bowling alley. – Well, here’s the thing.
– But I’d go bowl, yeah. – Bowl. There’s things
to do there. There’s an arcade usually.
– Yeah, there was an arcade. – And there’s– you could eat
Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. – Love those Spunkmeyer cookies!
– Who doesn’t, dude? – God damn, I love those.
– Who the fuck doesn’t? By the way,
walking around these halls, there’s an Otis Spunkmeyer oven
in these halls of Sirius. – Oh, yeah?
These hallowed halls? – And I don’t know
what it’s doing. It’s not hooked up or nothing.
– Yeah. – Yeah, very weird.
– I don’t know. Are there other bar kids
out there? 844-COMEDY9. If you went to a bar kid–
If you were a bar kid. ‘Cause it is weird. I don’t–
– It’s real weird. – I don’t think– my mom’s
house was like– my mom– That was on very rare occasion. I’m saying like I had
a normal life with my mom. – Any occasion is pretty weird.
– But when I was with my dad, it was straight up lawlessness
a lot of the time. I’m talking about Caldonia’s. That’s right after my parents
got divorced, so my dad’s not truly
in the gutter yet. – Right.
– When he moved to Lake County is when he went in the gutter.
I’m talking backwoods, trailer parks, like shit.
– Caldonia’s is pretty bad place to bring a kid.
– I swear to God, probably just ’cause
I’m conditioned, but talking about
Lake County vers– The places I went in Lake County
versus Caldonia’s? Caldonia’s is like awesome. – Like going to a Hooters maybe.
– Yeah, it’s like the best memories of me thinking about
being at Caldonia’s playing “Castlevania.”
– You saying he took you to like fucking
the Double Deuce? Just fucking–
– Nah. It was always Lakeside–
It was always the bowling alley
in Lakeport that we would– – That was a rough scene
over there, though? – That was not that bad.
I saw some rough motherfuckers in that bar though.
I saw people where I was like, yo, that dude’s life is–
I was like ten. – I was gonna say, they all look
like that when you’re ten, dude. – When you’re ten, it’s–
– Late-night bar people? – But also my dad was funny.
– I’m gonna fucking Robin Williams you, I’m gonna
“Good Will Hunting” you in this. – Yeah.
– ‘Cause you’re not realizing it and everyone else in the room is
not saying it. – What?
– That’s insane that you were hanging out in bars at ten years
old that much. – Yeah, it was a lot. – It’s bananas.
– Yeah. – I had some of my best memories
of my dad growing up… – Oh, Christ, and this fucking
idiot’s backing you up. – …are hanging out
in the garage. Hanging out in the garage,
because we would hang out in the garage,
we would listen to music, we would like shoot BB guns
and just chill out. – That’s pretty awesome.
– Now, Dan– – He was pretty much
blackout drunk the whole time. – Dan, do you see how stupid
that sounds? – Sounds pretty great.
– But it was great. Like I loved it.
– That sounds great. – I loved my childhood. – BB guns sound awesome.
– I get it. – Trish always made me do work.
If I was at her house, she’d be like,
“Hey, can you weed? Weed on the side of the house.”
– We’d do yardwork too. – Christine and her dad were
way better drinking. They’re more awesome
to hang with. – They’re a way better hang.
Gary was a fun hang. – A memory of hanging out at
Caldonia’s with your dad though, the fact of the matter– and I
know you can say this too– like my goddamn childhood
is so fucking dark and there’s so much bad shit
in it that if I can’t remember the good times of like hanging
out and shooting a BB gun, there’s literally nothing ’cause
then there’s also the time when a gun was waved around the
house ’cause everybody was drunk and–
– But I want a Caldonia’s shirt. Like I want it.
I’m gonna find a Caldonia. – Hell yeah.
– I’m gonna have Bobby make one at GaS Digital ’cause it’s like
it’s just a funny thing from my past that–
you know what I mean? When you grow up and you kind of
look back and you’re like, oh, it’s funny.
I’d rather celebrate that than be, what, bummed out by it?
– Yeah, and be like, that was horrible,
my dad’s a horrible person. It’s like, well,
everybody’s fucking– – Yeah, oh, you got
a bunch of calls? A bunch of bar children? Is it Gary? Did he fake his death
21 years ago? God damn it.
– “Dan, I didn’t know you were on the radio, bud.”
– He goes, “No. “Come on, man, I mean,
you know, I liked “your Comedy Central hour.
Your Netflix, I thought “it was kind of a step back,
but, you know, “‘This Is Not Happening’
was great, then ‘The Bonfire’.” – Holy shit.
Um, wow. It’s going big.
Let’s throw a random one here. We’ll go with.
– A lot of bar kids. A lot of bar kids listen
to “The Bonfire.” – Yeah, big up to all
the bar kids out there. – Christine, you weren’t even a
bar kid, you were a garage kid. – Yeah, any garage kids
with crippled mothers? – Oh, man, that’s a different–
that’s a different, uh– – It’s a different kind
of love. – It’s a different branch
in the same army. – Yeah.
– The shit kid army. You’re the navy,
I’m the air force. – Maria, Chicago.
Chi-cah-go. – Oh, you must be hangin’ out
in some fun Chicago bars. – Maria, you there?
– Only one, yes. – Only one?
Home of the Malort shot? – No, my grandfather
was Polish, and he went across the street
from the church, and would bring me with
at like six years old. – Yeah. – And I would play pinball
and pool. That’s how I learned
how to play pool. – And by the way, you know
how much second-hand smoke you and I were both exposed to
at six years old? That was when you smoked
in bars. You smoked a lot in bars. – I have asthma
because of it now. – Really? That’s hilarious.
– Yup. – “We’ll smoke anything
at Caldonia’s.” There’s a nice shirt for you.
– Yeah, dude. I’m gonna get a Caldonia’s
shirt, believe that. – What was the name
of the bar, Maria? – Uh, I don’t even know
the name of it. All I know is it said
“cold beer” in Polish. – Yeah.
– You used to pay pool at six? – Yes.
– Six years old? – Yeah, dude.
– That’s a rough and tumble broad.
– I’m telling you, man. I remember one of my
favorite things when I worked with my–
Jay won’t let me say I was doing a shift.
When I went with my dad, when he worked at Dan’s Liquors
in Mill Valley, one of my favorite things was
turning on the opening sign. ‘Cause when you’re a kid, it’s
just like simple, stupid shit. My dad was like, “Yeah, turn on
the opening sign,” and I’ll be like, whoo!
It was like launching a space– Like, kzzz!
It’s just opening the door for a bunch of alcoholics.
It’s like 7:00 in the morning and people are coming in,
and now I’m at 35 like, those people
had crazy problems. – I like that you guys are your
fathers’ child drinking buddies and you never realized it.
– Yeah, yeah, that’s what it is. Hey, I made my own
drinking buddy. So you would go
with your grandfather, and was this always after church
or was this daily? – Uh, this was daily.
– Yeah. – You go to church daily
and then run over to a bar? – No, not the church.
No, no, not the church. There was an always an excuse
to go to church through we were at the bar. – Oh, he called it church?
– Ohh! Oh, man, when your grandfather
passed away, were people like, “He was a deeply
religious man,” and you had to be like,
“No, no, no, he’s a booze man”? – Guy went to mass every day.
– Yeah! – Yup, yup,
pretty much, yeah. All his “church friends” came
to visit during his funeral. – Dude, that’s so funny.
– (slurring) Praise the Lord. I miss him so much.
– Bunch of guys in priest collars
with gin blossoms. Just these fat noses. Bunch of fat Polish noses
and they’re like, “Uh, the Lord– excuse me.
And the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.” (Chicago accent)
And they’re Chicago too, so they’re just hammered.
They go like, “This guy loved God…
the way my ex-wife loves cock. It’s a lot.”
– Kielbasa. Um, can I ask you a question?
– Yeah. – Real talk right now.
– Real talk, dog. – Is that called a gin blossom,
the bulbous nose? – Yeah.
– Is it really? – Swear to God.
– Brand-new information to me. – Yeah, it’s called
a gin blossom. – I didn’t know the name
The Gin Blossoms… – Was named after that, yeah.
– …was named for that. I didn’t even think of that.
– It’s like whenever you see someone with a big–
– Oh, I know. The old “ha-cha-cha-cha” nose. – I just realized I had– just
from listening to the caller, that I’ve gone to two
bar memorials. One for like a friend that died and one for my
grandfather’s sister. Like way different generations.
– Yeah. – I’m like, oh,
are bar memorials not like– Is that not what you do?
– Dude, one of the– This is a fucking morbid-ass–
– You are a yokel if your local bar has
a fucking memorial for your– – Not local, but like the bar
that they hung out at. – You’re a fun hang
or you’re a legend. – That’s where everybody went.
– You’re a fucking legend. – Bar vigil?
– At your bar vigil, oh, man. – “That was his seat
right there, every day, drinking alcohol.”
– Dude. So there was– this is one
of my darkest memories of my dad dying was like–
when I went to visit my dad when he had– like it was
Thanksgiving of ’97. He died December 12th,
so he died like two weeks later when I saw him.
Dude, this was– I was 14. This was so awkward. One of his bar friends
or whatever, she came over dressed
like a sexy nurse, and my dad’s just
at death’s doorstep. But it’s like that
white-trash bar mentality doesn’t understand the–
the weight of the situation. – Mm-hmm.
– So she comes in like, “Hey, Gary!”
And I’m just– I’m sitting there
like, you know, what? I’m looking at my Aunt Karen
like, what’s up? My Aunt Karen’s like, “I don’t
fucking know what this is.” But she’s like, “I had to come
over, make you feel better.” Dude, everybody was weirded out.
– I bet. – It was one of the weirdest–
My dad was even like, “Stop, stop, stop, stop,”
’cause he’s not drinking now, you know, he’s like–
– Mm-hmm. – He’s dying but he’s sober
and he’s like, “All right. Stop, stop.” – (slurring gibberish) – Dude, oh, it was
so fucking awkward. – “I wanna make little Gary
feel good.” – Dude, it was almost like–
it almost had that energy where you’re like,
lady, leave! – He goes, “My family’s here.”
– He goes, “This is my son.” – “They like to watch,
don’t they? You’re all pieces of shit.” – “You’re just
a little chip off the old block, you.”
I’m like, I don’t know. – “Is that little Danny?”
– Seriously grabbing my cheek. She goes, “Yeah, you’re all
the way from Colorado? That’s a long way.” I’m like,
please stop grabbing me. – “Did you smell my fart
from before? Sorry, Dan.”
– “Sorry. Is the pussy lip hanging out?” – Um, Maria,
thanks for the call. – Thank you.
Long-time listener. – Hell yeah. Crackle, crackle.
Thank you so much. – Marcus Silva says,
“I was my dad’s bartender “while we drove through
the Sequoia mountain roads. “He’d hand me his empties…”
– Jesus Christ. – “…and I’d pass him
a fresh one.” Yeah, dude!
Fucking people– – You’re reloading a gun.
– Yeah, dude! – I’m like, oh, everybody
doesn’t have alcoholic parents? – Yeah, but what’s weird is,
when you have alcoholic parents, you don’t realize
that there’s kids that don’t. – No.
– Because alcoholics hang out with alcoholics,
and those are the kids that you become friends with.
– Yeah, I have an Aunt Vicky, Uncle Cracker, Uncle Chuck…
– I mean, come on, yeah. – …Aunt Becky. These are all
my parents’ friends. – Uncle Chuck is– and Jay,
that’s where I say the Jewish people–
– I had drunk Uncle Tommy. I had drunk Uncle Tommy.
Uncle Tommy was a drunk. – But I’ve always said–
that’s why I say that Jewish people
are the chosen ones. You guys handle alcoholism.
You guys are top-notch. – Uncle Mark was long-long-time
heroin addict. – My dad–
– You either go big or nothin’! I’m sayin’ fucking
Swedish garbage, Swedish white trash, we’re good
at getting cirrhosis young. We just do different numbers. – What about
the garbage Christines? – That’s just–
that’s beach trash. – Beach trash–
– Yeah. – My parents have 60-year-old
bottles of liquor that have never been opened.
– Never been opened, yeah. – My dad looks at me–
– Lynn’s shaking her head. – He’ll point it out if he sees
me drinking a beer. – My friends used to laugh–
– It’s so bizarre. – My friends used to laugh
at how many empty 1.75s of Southern Comfort we had
in our recycling bin. When they would walk out
to my garage, they’d be like– my friend Care Bear was like,
“Jesus, Soder!” And his dad was
a liquor distributor, and he’s like, “Fucking,
what is Trish and Joe doing?” I was like,
I’ll tell you this. (whispering)
They’re building a comedian. – What are they doing?
A recipe. – Funny guy.
– Let’s take one more call before the break here
with Sal from Chicago. This is pretty nutty. Um, Sal, you there, buddy? – Crackle, crackle.
– Crackle, crackle, dude. You’re on “The Bonfire.”
What’s your bar kid story? – Well, uh, I just want
to preface and say, my dad wasn’t much
of a day drinker. He didn’t drink every day.
He never drank at home, but when he went out to drink,
he was more of your classic binge-type drinker
and would really– – Yeah, does–
would he disappear for days? – No, he wouldn’t.
Well, that did happen a couple of times, but, uh,
not that often. The one time though that
I remember specifically– when I was probably
like eight or nine and I was– my sister was babysitting me. My mom was–
I think she was at work. I can’t remember exactly.
She wasn’t home, and my dad calls home
from a police station. He had gotten pulled over,
drunk driving. And convinces my sister,
who’s probably 16 at the time– 17 maybe– to go pick him up
at the police station. – Sick.
– And then he… he bribed us
with Kentucky Fried Chicken to not tell my mother.
– That’s so great. The KFC got you to fucking bury
a DUI from your mom. (laughter) She does that mom question.
“Where did you get chicken?” And you’re like, uh, Dad.
– Dad said it was cool. – “Also, why does your dad
smell like swamp?” Uh, did you ever– did your mom
ever find out about that DUI? – No, I don’t think so.
I never told her. I don’t think my sister
ever did. – That chicken was bond.
– Yeah, dude. Your dad fucking got you.
You could never be a politician. You’d be bought and paid for.
– Chicken is bond. – Joining us from–
dude, it’s so awesome to say. From Capitol Wrestling,
bringing the new wave of pro wrestling to Brooklyn. Join them on June 24th–
it’s your boy’s birthday– at St. Patrick’s
Catholic Academy for a live international
television taping featuring the biggest stars
of Capitol. And one of the stars
of Capitol Wrestling is here right fucking now–
Zac Amico. – Thank you for having me, boys.
Isn’t it fun that I weaseled my way
into a wrestling company? – I love it, dude.
I fucking love it. As a wrestling mark,
I totally love it. – It’s my vision quest.
– Yeah, you did it, dude. You got in.
– All I had to do was dress like a retired pro wrestler
for 15 years. – And just call everyone
“brother.” And they’re like,
“Hey, this guy’s a wrestler.” Hey, brother.
– Is it your like most dream job happening
when you’re doing it? – It’s huge. Like since I’m–
before I can remember, I watched wrestling
with my grandfather and told him I wanted
to be Mr. Perfect’s tag-team partner.
– Really? – ‘Cause I wanted
to be a bad guy. – So you always wanted
to be heel? – Owen Hart was my
favorite wrestler. – Great.
– I’ve wanted to be a sneaky, shitty person. – No one has ever said that
ever before. – Ever, but that’s what I like.
– Owen Hart is my favorite wrestler
of all time. – Yeah, well, you know.
He’s like– – I’m not speaking ill
of the dead, I’m just saying. – No, I was trying to think
of a way I could say that he was my favorite
when he fell, but I couldn’t come up with it ’cause I’m still
kind of high from earlier. – So was he.
– Yeah, he was high for a little bit. What I was gonna say to you is–
– We got there. – Yeah, finally.
Zac just had to fucking jam it unlocked.
You just had to jam it. What is– breaking kayfabe,
what is your role in Capitol Wrestling? – Breaking kayfabe,
I now am one of the producers of their television product.
– That’s awesome. That’s fucking awesome.
– And we just– My match aired last week
on U.K. television, and we beat MLW and Impact. – There you go.
– Wow. – And we were the highest-rated
non-WWE wrestling product in the U.K.
– And this is Capitol Wrestling in Brooklyn?
– Yeah. We’re gonna do our tapings
June 24th in Brooklyn. Just signed
“The Notorious 187” Homicide. – Okay, yeah, wow.
– And a lot of really great guys.
We’re stepping it up. We’re going to Nashville
in August. We’re making this
a full touring production. – That’s awesome, man.
– So, yeah. It’s kind of cool, man,
watching through the Internet, that the wrestling territories– they’re not really
necessarily territories, but things are popping up now
with Capitol Wrestling, you got AEW
in another major forum. There’s others like–
New Japan is more accessible than it used to be.
– We’re all nipping at the boss’s heels.
– Yeah, it’s pretty fun, man. As a wrestling fan, it’s like
kind of cool ’cause you just get to see a bunch of stuff
that maybe because of the Internet
that you would– like New Japan, you would have to used to go
get tapes and like do all this weird shit
to watch it. Now it’s on AXS Television
and you can get it online. – Do you think maybe being an
adult who still likes wrestling has something to do with having
alcoholic parents in your life? – I don’t know, man.
Maybe that made it. Is that what makes
wrestling fans? – Is that what makes wrestling
fans? Alcoholic parents? – When your dad picks
the bottle over you, you have to like a guy
who has orange skin and wears yellow and red? – Or just that’s what was left
on when somebody fell asleep. – Yeah, you go,
I guess Sting’s my new uncle. I’m gonna watch this guy.
– Hey, Stinger. Hey, Uncle Stinger.
– Before, Zac, before you were on, we brought up the subject
of– I told Jay a story of going to a bar called Caldonia’s
in Aurora with my dad. – But he was regaling me with
a story of his lovely childhood. – It was like a good memory.
It was like a fun memory of going to this bar. Do you have any of those
kind of memories? – No, because my dad got sober
before I was born. – Okay.
– But my dad is like vehemently anti-alcohol.
– Okay. Yeah, so he was one of those
where he was like– – Like hard.
Like still talks at meetings 35 years deep.
– Yeah, that’s great though. – But when he left my mom,
she became a bartender out of spite.
– Really? – Which you gotta
really respect that level– – Oh, serving? Dude, serving?
– That level of pettiness. – Serving the thing
that your husband hates? – Oh, it was– oh!
She– he left, and she went to bartending
school within like three months. – That’s great. That’s great.
– And to this day, bartender at an Olive Garden
in New Jersey. – Yeah! Slingin’ ’em.
– Hell yeah! – Slingin’ those fuckin’
white wines. – How often do you eat
Olive Garden? – Carlo Rossi.
– Growing up, quite a bit. – She worked there a long time?
– She worked there from when I was in high school on,
and I always thought we got free Olive Garden.
– Yeah? – And then I found out
when I was a grown-up, she just got like 20% off.
– It wasn’t that much. And you were ordering
like it was free? – No, no, no, that’s just
what we had so much. And I was like, oh, you just
didn’t like fuckin’ cooking. – That’s it, yeah, she didn’t
get that much of a discount. – Yeah.
– She goes, “I don’t know. It’s here. You’re here.”
– And I mean like… – “It’s hot.”
– …the salad and breadsticks at family dinner.
– I was gonna say, was she– – And my mom would bring
the salad and breadsticks. – “Oh, Janet is here with
the breadsticks and the salad. But this one
does have an end to it.” – Would she plate the food?
Would she plate the food, pretending it was like from her?
– Oh, like “Mrs. Doubtfire”? – No, she would just
straight-up bring it. Like bring like
the giant salad. – With like–
in an Olive Garden bag. – I’ll tell you this, man.
If your mom and my mom were friends, I would definitely
step in to make sure your mom got an invite so some of those
breadsticks were coming along. – Tell you what, breadsticks
and salad all day long… – All day long.
– …at Olive Garden. – I could go eat a whole meal
of just breadsticks and salad. – And when the salad’s done
and you just use the bread to sop up all that goofy
dressing they put on there. – Never-ending Pasta Month
in my house was– – Was the greatest month
in their life. – No, nightmare.
– Nightmare? – My mom would come home
like she worked at a fucking coal mine.
– Really? – She would just come,
“Somebody got eight plates today and tipped me a dollar,”
like just fucking– – Can you imagine
if she worked at– – My mother died
of tomato lung. Just have to eat pasta
all month. She was just breathing in
tomatoes all month. – Could you imagine
if you lived in a house though where Mom came home from
Shrimpfest at Red Lobster? – A black home? – So what I’m saying is
a black home. – Yeah, man, dude,
that’s gotta– That’s hilarious you knew
that month was bad. You’re like, “It’s coming.”
– Oh, yeah, it was– it was– – Unlimited pasta month?
Man, people go there and just post up, right?
– For days. Like crazy.
– (indistinct) I was so excited about
Olive Garden the other day on the show,
and then you really do realize it’s fuckin’ garbage.
– That’s what I said to him. I said to Dan– he goes, “No,
I do like Olive Garden’s food.” I go, they are right now trying
to get rid of their inventory so much they’re giving you
two meals for then less than what one should cost.
– Still looks good. – That can’t be good
quality food. – I’ll go eat it right now.
– Oh, dude. My mom’s a trooper though.
She will defend it. Every time somebody makes fun
of Olive Garden, she’ll be like, “Zachary,
there is a three-hour wait at our Olive Garden.
Indian people love it.” And I’m like,
that’s all you need to know, ’cause it’s Italian food!
– Yeah. – Yeah, he goes, “Olive Garden.
Italian. We’ll go.” It’s– I went there a lot
growing up though, man. For sure.
– Olive Garden? – Yeah.
– A lot of Olive Garden. I went to Applebee’s a lot. – I did not go
to Applebee’s a lot. My franchise we went to
a lot were– I mean, we did plenty of fast food.
– We did Fuddruckers. – Fuddruckers, Red Robin.
– Ahh! I worked at a Red Robin,
so I was on the ground. – I don’t know if I’ve ever even
seen a Red Robin. – I love Red Robin.
I’ll do a fucking Blue Ribbon Burger
with an egg on it. – Trying to think of franch–
we didn’t go to a lot of franchise places.
Bennigan’s. – Love a Bennigan’s.
– Houlihan’s. – Love a good Bennigan’s, man.
– To me, Houlihan’s was trash. – Friday’s sometimes.
– What’s that? – Houlihan’s was trash.
– Sure, yeah, absolutely. They’re all– Ground Round.
– Applebee’s on Iliff is still going.
Iliff and 225. – Ground Round is basically
an Applebee’s. – Yeah. Look at the
Blue Ribbon Burger. I ate that so much!
– From where? – Blue– it’s Red Robin.
– It’s not good either. – What’s that? Shut up!
– Red Robin’s not good. They’re all the same kind
of not good. – Go sit in your garage,
garage kid. This is fucking delicious.
– Yeah, I like when you fucking fetal alcohol kids
turn on each other. (laughter) – I love when you two babies
get mad at each other. – Yeah, I like when
you fucking– you fucking banana-heads
start clunking. – Yeah, so you–
so you didn’t grow up– you didn’t have to go
to bars or whatever. I told Jay this and then we
opened it up for the callers– 844-COMEDY9 if you were
a bar kid and spent a lot of time
in a bar with your parents. – We got a bunch.
– Yeah. – Someone’s grandmother died
from heroin. – That’s– I mean– yeah.
– A kid had to drive his dad home 30 miles
every night at 12 years old. – That– bring that up!
– All right. – What?
Let’s take this call real quick. – Michael in Texas.
– Yeah, ’cause Michael– And by all the way, Michael,
I just wanna say hello. But real quick,
what a Texas story. That’s a fucking country song
that you drove your dad 30 miles home.
– 30 miles? – Yeah.
– Why 30 miles, Michael? Why’d he drink so far away? – Well, we lived–
at the time, we lived in New Mexico
in Capitan. It’s about 30, 40 miles away
from Ruidoso. So there wasn’t a bar
in Capitan. The bar was in Ruidoso.
– Jesus. – Man, you think he would’ve
just moved before he taught a 12-year-old to drive.
– What kind of car was it? – It was one of those
Chevy Astro vans. – Yeah! Oh, man!
I drove an Astro van from Denver to Tucson.
That is great. – Lot of leg room though.
– Great van. It’s a big box.
– It’s like you’re sitting up. – Yeah.
– It’s very– yeah. – It’s the Megabus of vans. – Plenty of room in between
the two front seats for a big cooler of beer.
– Oh, my God. – Oh, so he’d keep ripping
while you were driving at 12? – Yeah.
Uh, well… he would go to a place called
Barley’s every night. – Fuck. – The names are always
so great. – He would hand me about,
I don’t know, a pocketful of quarters
and send me into the arcade. – Dude, arcades were
the babysitters of so many children
of alcoholics. You get that fucking– I know
how to manipulate a dollar in a quarter machine. One of those machines
that turns into quarters? I could play it
with my eyes closed. You could wad up a $5 bill, I’d
make that son of a bitch work on that machine.
– I just love that– The thing that’s funny is,
my mom– I used to go to work
with my mom a lot. – Yeah, you were a mall kid.
– After school and stuff. I was a store kid.
– Store kid. – Well, there was never a mall.
It was like a… a shitty like little mall
that wasn’t like, you know, like it wasn’t like
a shopping mall. – Yeah, but you’re doing
sword fights with the cane. – They had an arcade.
And then there was one next to a movie theater
who had an arcade, but it was always like
some retail or a tuxedo rental place.
– Yeah. – You guys had the parents,
you had to go to work, and then even their work was
like alcoholic-y also. – Yeah.
– It was like, well, we go to the liquor store and I play
with guys and look at porn and then my dad takes me
to a bar afterwards. – Yeah.
– Unwind from a long day at the liquor store.
You’re just constantly surrounded by fucking
Captain Morgan. – Yeah, he looked over me. Oh, you mean Saint Morgan? – And you going
to school constantly. Michael, did you go
to school often with your dad’s
free booze T-shirts? – First off, Jay,
it wasn’t a free booze shirt. – Yeah, he drank– he drank
Milwaukee’s Best and I had probably about six
T-shirts of Milwaukee’s Best. – Yeah, dude!
Also, Jay’s trying to besmirch the cool Joe Camel shirt
that I wore to school. – Holy shit.
– I slept– I slept in a Joe Camel shirt
until I was like 12 years old. – Monster.
Slept in it. – This was back when like
“Mortal Kombat” just came out. – Dude, I know ’cause I was
just saying that. That was the arcade I went to.
It was “Street Fighter 2” and “Mortal Kombat.”
– You guys were luckier to be a little younger.
I would’ve had to watch my dad get drunk while I played
“Pit Fighter.” Womp-womp-womp.
– That’s pretty gay. I was over at Neo Geo ripping it
on “World Heroes.” – Yeah, that’s way better.
My video games were worse. I would’ve had to do
“Karate Champ.” – Ugh!
And just go, “Bam, bam!” Just 16-bit jump over.
– Yeah. (both imitating blows landing) – So when you would drive,
did you– at what point did you become comfortable
driving the van home? – Uh, probably about the sixth
or seventh time. – Jesus Christ.
– And then about– – I thought he was gonna
say grade, but– – You were like, great.
I think it was though. Wasn’t it the same?
– By the tenth time, you can drive with one hand
and have a cigarette hanging out the window.
– It’s a candy cigarette. He’s just going…
(indistinct) – That’d be great.
– And he goes, he goes, “Ah, God damn it, Dad.
Hold it down. Learn how to hold it down.”
I don’t know why my child voice is Jacob voice.
I apologize, Jacob. I don’t mean that.
– Real nice, dude. Way to treat Jacob.
– When you– Did you ever get pulled over? – No.
– Nice. – But what he would do is,
we’d leave the bar and go across the street
to the liquor store, and he’d get a 30-pack
of Milwaukee’s Best for the trip home.
– Jesus! – And… well,
he was one those, you know, dickheads during the day,
like treat us like shit, and then when he got drunk,
it was nothing but, you know, how much he loved you
and what a great kid you were. – Yeah, dude, he was hungover.
He was hungover all day. – I love that he goes,
“You kids ain’t shit, just like your mom,”
and then he gets hammered and he goes,
“You wanna drive?” (laughter)
– Dude, what a better way. That’s such–
there’s so many alcoholic– – He gets turnaround?
Oh, hell yeah. – There’s so many children of
alcoholics that are hearing this that had the flip where
their dad was like really nice during the day and then he’d get
drunk and just be a monster. That’s almost in a weird way–
I don’t know if I’m saying this. That might be preferable. – Am I crazy, Lou?
– He’s mean during the day and then at night he’s like,
“Hey, man.” – Am I crazy that DJ Lou
described it like that? Was your dad better drunk? – Oh, yeah, to a tee.
– Really? – Yeah, yeah.
– He was a more fun hang. – Yeah, I thought
that’s what he said. I thought he said
when his dad was drunk is when it was all like,
“I love you guys, man. I’m sorry I act like
an asshole.” – And when we’d have tall boy
Budweiser cans for breakfast. – Hell yeah.
– Oh, what? Breakfast of champions.
– Nothing goes better with eggs. Am I right?
– Why don’t you have some Texas toast
and a tall boy? – I still say PBR is
the breakfast beer. – Oh, PBR is a real
“snap it open ’cause your wife got killed
by a fucking gang member.” – Not even cold.
– That’s “Death Wish” breakfast. – Yeah.
– That’s like, tch-shh! Yeah, it’s warm.
It was in the windowsill. – Over a short stack
you’ve barely eaten, then you put a cigarette
out into it. – And then you put your gun
around your shoulders. Tuck in your shoulder strap. – Ahh, another
goddamn day of living. – Cleaning up this cesspool
known as Los Angeles. – Son of a bitch.
Um, how old were you when you started smoking
cigarettes, Michael? – Do what?
– How old were you when you started smoking cigarettes? – Uh, that was my brother
that taught me that when I was about 14.
– Yeah, all right. I was gonna give it
12 to 14 age range. – Were you still playing
with toys? – Booze babies always start smoking around the same age,
’cause you watch it. – My dad would also,
when we’d want to take a road trip to the lake,
he’d have us drive the van and he’d take his Harley.
– Jesus. – That’s hilarious.
– He would take his motorcycle. – Would your dad get drunk in–
– And he’d pull up in the shoulder– he’d pull up in the shoulder
of the road when he wanted beer,
and we’d hand him one just going down the highway. – So you guys were just
a moving cooler? – Yup.
– You guys were just a fucking– You guys were just
a mobile beer stand. – This will be the first time
I ask this question to not a girl at a bar.
So how’d your dad die? – Yeah. – Uh, he’s– he actually got a disease when he was
in prison. – Oh, man.
– Holy shit. – Well, dude, that was just such
an alley-oop to yourself dunk of sad where I was like,
oh, man, he’s gonna say yes. And he goes,
“He got a disease in prison.” And like, he just went up
and up again. – Yeah, a disease?
Prison?! – Jesus!
– It was like the slam dunk contest.
– That’s what I’m saying. It was like, “Oh, my God!
He threw it off the backboard! It went through his legs!”
– Let’s see if it can get sadder– if the disease is AIDS,
then it’s even sadder. – Oh, no. What is it?
What disease did he get? – Uh, some nerve disease
that, uh… nervous system disease that
attacks your nervous system. You start twitching a lot
and then you die. – Fuck! In prison.
What was he in prison for? – Um, non-payment
of child support. – Jesus Christ.
– “But I let him drive! But I let him drive though!”
– I gave up– wait. So your mom took him–
your mom took him to prison? – No, actually the Texas–
the U.S. Marshals, when they instituted
that “deadbeat dad” crap, they put a federal warrant
out for him. – What year was that?
– Why? Was your dad the marshal?
– No, I want to know if my dad died–
– He was like, he goes, “Wait a second.”
– I want to know if my dad died before the law. – Think the marshals
might have took your dad? – 1998! It was 1998!
I’m sorry. That’s crazy. My dad died in December of ’97!
Gary hit a buzzer-beater! – ♪ All I do is win, win, win,
no matter what ♪ ♪ Got money on my mind,
I can never get enough… ♪ – Yeah, dude, that’s crazy.
Your dad went– My dad would’ve gone to prison.
– For not paying? – Dude, my dad didn’t pay child
support once in nine years. – So you could just not pay
child support until ’98. – He did!
– Like that’s not that long ago! You can just have bastard
children and leave ’em off to fend for themselves,
no problem. – Yeah, crazy.
So how long was your dad in prison for
when he got the disease? Like how long was he
gonna serve? – Well, he got five years. He served like three of it. – And then he–
did he pass away in prison? – No, he got out
and struggled for probably 10 or 15 years and then…
– Fuck. – …then bit it.
– Ugh, man. – Yeah.
– Fuck, dude. – Well, his stupid ass
got caught ’cause he ran to Mexico when
he heard the warrant was out. – Jesus Christ. – He really didn’t want
to take care of you. – Dude, your dad is straight up
a Merle Haggard song. – Yeah, fucking
“Hey, Joe,” huh? – Yeah, yeah.
He’s like… ♪ Runnin’ down to Texas,
got the boy drivin’ the van ♪ (imitating guitar solo) – ♪ Rippin’ some
Milwaukee Beast ♪ – I’ll tell you this
though, dude. Your dad is definitely a Gary. Your dad’s a first-round
draft pick for the Garys. – Your dad’s riding his Harley
in heaven right now where they can’t enforce
this child support law. – He’s drinking and driving
up in the clouds. – Driving his own Astro van. (laughter) – He’s got his own
cooler of beer. – His stupid ass got caught
coming across the Mexico border with a loaded pistol. That’s how the marshals
caught him. – He shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die. – I mean, it really just keeps
getting worse. He’s like,
“Well, I was kidnapped. I was with him.”
– “I’m a child of rape. Yes, he had my–
took my mother.” – Yeah, so you, uh– oh, man. – The positive thing about it is
you learn what not to do. – Yeah, I mean, exactly.
– Live like a GG Allin song? – Yeah.
– Yeah, now you just let your kid sit in the passenger seat
while you drive drunk. – But more to the point,
what brought this all up was, when you drove that van,
do you look back fondly at that? As like, “Oh, yeah, that was
a fun thing my dad and I did”? – Yeah, that was the–
that was probably the most fun I ever had with my dad.
– See? – Yeah, you guys.
– Because, sober, like I told you,
he was just a fucking asshole. – Yeah.
– Yeah, you guys are damaged. – We’re all damaged.
Not one of us in this room is not damaged.
– You know there’s a lot of girls who are troubled whores
enjoy dick. – Ah, God bless ’em.
– It’s just the problems surrounding, uh– (laughter)
– And Double– Oh, you mean Double-Down Evans
over there? She’s got both.
She’s a bar kid. – Depends what day you ask.
– Yeah. – Uh, thank you so much
for the call, Michael. – Dude, Michael, yeah,
thanks for calling in, man. – We’ll get a GoFundMe up
for your therapy. – ♪ And I was born
in an Astro van ♪ ♪ And my father ran
to Mexico ♪ For what? What’s that?
Oh, son of a bitch. You know what?
That actually did work out. Gotcha. A Batman. That was the closest
I’ve ever felt to Batman. I didn’t see you coming at all. This looks like a bad… Wait. Now you do me.
Let me be the guy a little. That’ works. I see. Everything we do to not be
welcome in this building. Let’s make this elevator porn.
Dan? You’re going to have
36 floors to pop. I’m gonna need you
to work quick. I’m gonna need you
to get yourself in a headspace to finish quick. Me in the corner?
Want me to get in the corner? Yeah. Work yourself up
and the male town is here. Now. Where is Black Lou? Where is Black Lou?
I ask that a lot. Come on guys. Now normally there will be
male talent here, but now today Andy is going
to be our male talent? Just hold it like this. This is hello live
from the elevator. It’s Dan
Soder for Bonfire News. I just pulled up my bag of weed
when I went from my work badge in front of the security guards. You think he’s going
to tell on you? No, she saw it.
I don’t like this. She’s cool. That would be good
if she was like, “Mm-hm…” Woop, woop, woop. You just hear security alarm.
All these cops. Keep that down, you know,
po po come. Is that heroin. Take this plate on back here
to daddy. Becky, are you still
mad at me? No.
Okay. Two for two?
You’ve already gotten over it? Why were you mad at Dan? Why would I be mad? She said I was cold
and not friendly. Well you do have a wall. Dan’s a icy nut to crack. I’ll tell you what, you just got
in Dan’s head for the rest of the day
with that line. That was a walk
off home run. Becky? That was a walk
off home run. Yeah. You think he’s not gonna think
about that later when he’s eating cereal alone. I don’t eat cereal
on Wednesdays. That’s so great for her to say. She goes, “No, I was kidding,
but you do put up a wall. Anyway, I’m going
to be over here.” Yeah dude. Good luck relating to anyone
outside of your inner circle. All right. Bye.