– The whole fucking place
is fallin’ apart, and quite honestly,
I’m sick of Jay’s pretzel-eatin’ attitude comin’ in hot!
What happened to us? – Everyone, it’s the
soon-to-be-defunct “Bonfire”– – What happened to us?!
– Comedy Central Radio, SiriusXM 95 as it exists,
as we speak. – Yes, as in the now. – Speaking right now–
yes, speaking in the… (chuckles) – Present tense.
– Speaking in the present tense. Yes, uh, we are here. – Oh, Dave– someone unplugged
Dave’s headphones. – Yeah, thanks a lot. – We come in here sabotaging
our guests, Dave. – Yeah, what’s it,
super competitive day? – Yeah.
Good luck. – Tommy Two Hats… Tommy Two Hats himself,
everybody. – Ah, me too. – From the “Bumping Mics”
special on Netflix. Uh, touring everywhere
right now. – And from the coming-to-you
Tommy Two Hats Tour. (laughter) ♪♪ (fire crackling) – It’s Dave Attell. (crowd cheering sound effect)
– Yeah! – Thanks, guys.
– Bringin’ in candy. Get me all jacked up
on sugar. – I don’t do that
for every radio station. You guys are special.
– Great. – And I know now,
since this is the… pretty much,
I guess you could say the swan song
of this franchise. – Yeah, it really seems like
the farewell tour. – You’re seeing us
in the death throes. – I don’t know, guys. – We have gotten–
– You guys really– Together, I mean,
you were like, you know– It was awesome.
– Thanks. – Apart, I don’t know
if it’s gonna work. – We had one advertiser
all week. – Oh yeah?
– Yeah. And ironically,
it’s about looking for jobs. – Yeah.
(laughter) – We’re getting the message
they’re putting out. Which is, “Search. Search for
something else to do.” – They’re sayin’ hey,
if you go with ZipRecruiter, you could really probably
find something in a few days. – I think, you know, this is
a good time to look for work. – Yeah.
– Yeah. (chuckles) – (Dave) You know?
– Economy’s up. – Maybe it’s not you,
maybe it’s the tariffs. – You’re right, I think
it’s the Chinese tariffs. – They’re comin’ into–
– They’re getting hit big. – There’s another “Bonfire”
out there you don’t know about. – Yeah, there’s
a Chinese “Bonfire” that works for half the price.
– (laughing) – Before you came in–
– They just come in, they go… (stereotypical Asian accent)
Have you seen Little Jay and Very Tall Dan?
(laughter) It’s the Chinese version
of “Bonfire.” Very funny, half price.
– “Very Tall Dan”? – Very Tall Dan. – Sumo Jay and Very Tall Dan.
– Yeah. – That’s good. I like that.
– He had three sisters. Three dead sisters!
Not one dead sister, three! (laughter)
– That’s a great voice. – Dave, before you came in
we were ranking ourselves here through a question that
Sal Vulcano asked earlier I thought was a good one.
Ranking yourself… – (unaccented) The Cardinals.
– Just straight up from looks. – (Dave) Mm-hm.
– One to ten. Like, when you walk
into a bar or something, or a club…
(Dave and Dan snickering) …what’s the number
you have, versus now tack in
personality, comedy, whatever else you want to say,
fame or whatever, where the number is
from there. – In– in looks?
For me? – In looks, straight up,
yourself. – And one is the lowest? (laughing) I would give myself a fi–
a point-five. I think I’m below one. – No.
– (Dan) Stop it, Dave. – I would.
– That’s just insanity. – Well, what bar are we
talkin’ about, then? That I’m a good-lookin’ guy?
– We’re talking about the most exclusive bar
in New York City. “Fwap.”
– I mean, a point-five. – “It’s named
after onomatopoeia.” – There’s no bar at
the shelter. – There’s deformed people
out there, man. – I’m talkin’ about
the Rusty Rose in East fuckin’ Canarsie.
– (laughing) Oh, sure.
I look okay there. – Yeah. I said you’re walkin’ in
at 5 a.m. on a Sunday. – I mean, it– it could be
a room full of carnies, and I still would be
everyone’s plan “B.” (laughter)
I really don’t think… I don’t– No, I don’t think
I’m a– no. Ugly.
I’m an ugly. – No you’re not.
– Yeah I am. – No, you’re not ugly.
– Stop it right now. – I love saying that. How many times have you ever
said that to God? “God, why did
you make me ugly?” – Yeah.
(laughter) You’re lookin’ at
a positive radio show. That’s why they want us off
the airwaves, Dave. – We’re spreadin’
a good message. – Well, I was watching
this thing about Chippendales. – Okay.
– And we all know, um, here’s my favorite thing.
It was like a self-produced documentary about Chippendales. You guys are probably
a little young for this, but… – Oh, no, but I want to dive
into this even… – Yeah, I– I know ya do, right?
– Yeah. – But they said
it was at the Mystique. As well all know,
this nightclub in the ’80s and ’90s
in New York. Very big time for nightclubs. Uh, the Mystique,
right next to a really, really funny
comedy club, The Dangerfield’s. So, I was like… (laughing)
– (Dan) Oh! That’s hilarious.
– I was like, that was a real tip of the hat.
– He goes… (mimicking Rodney Dangerfield)
“Hey, can we have “some of those fake bowties? I just want to wear a bowtie
and no shirt under it.” – (laughing)
– That’s hilarious. – “You have any just cuff links
I can borrow?” (laughter) – ‘Kay, I–
so, here’s the best part, is that some of the guys,
you know, were the dancers. They were the main show.
And then there was the waiters. And then there was the emcee.
And they were all buff, good-lookin’ guys.
– (Jay) Yeah. – So, where would I be
on that scale? I would be like, you know
the guy who parks the cars? – Yeah.
– (chuckles) – So it’d be like, if there
was a problem with that, I would be the guy that
they would have to go, like… (Boston accent)
“There’s a shark in the back.” – (laughing)
– Yeah. – “If you think someone
stole a coat outta your car, “you talk to that guy.
Don’t look at him, though. Do not look at him.”
– You’re like the key holder. – Yeah.
– You’re the guy with all the– with all the rings of keys,
and they go, “I have the Accord–”
– And he goes, “Sir, do you “want to put
a number on that so you know which keys
are mine?” He goes, “I know
which keys are yours.” – Yeah, believe me,
this is my… – Got a little TV in the shack.
– This is my life’s work. – You go, “That.
Whatever that number is.” – No, I’m– I’m not good– How about yourself?
What do you think? I think you’re
a good-lookin’ guy. – Me too.
He’s got sleepy blue eyes. – I said, I would say, uh…
a five– I’m– I’m saying a six,
’cause if you say five, people go,
“You’re boo-hooing yourself.” – Yeah.
– A six? – And then I would say with…
– Dave just– – With personality,
up to like maybe an eight. With personality, really,
and like everything– like, my whole resume. The whole picture is a–
is an eight. – Can you factor in– – And that’s probably
a way too-high number. – Can you factor in your
fan base and web presence? – Yes, web…
– These young kids– these young kids
got to feel tha they’re important,
you know? – We try to see what
his digital thumbprint is. – Thumbprint is.
– What do they– I hate that. What’s your digital
thumbrint, Jay? – See, even as I say it again,
I think it’s wrong. I think I go from five to–
to six or seven, maybe. – Mm.
– Hmm, well, I know one thing, tall is always in.
Women love a tall man. – It is.
– And Dan is very tall. – They can like a guy
that rebounds. – That’s a big deal.
Black Lou says that a– a short man can only max out
at an eight. – Really?
– (Lou) Yeah. – It’s the glass ceiling
for a short man. – (Dave) Interesting.
– Is Kevin Hart an eight? A hard eight? – You don’t put him
at a nine? – I gotta give him an eight. – You give him an eight?
– Really? – Just on physical appearance.
With personality, he’s a nine. – (Lou) Oh, he’s a ten.
– This guy shits money. – (Dan) Yeah.
– Eight? – (Dan) He’s a ten,
you’re right. (Lou)
Jacob, what would you give him? – The dick.
– Like, what… – (Dan) Jacob, now’s your time
to talk about your physical attraction
to Kevin Hart. – Yeah, I’m with Lou on this.
I think height only– – Would you give him a blowjob
to work on his network? – (chuckles)
– You’re gonna have to, ’cause this place is gonna
be gone. You think Dave’s
gonna save you? What, do you think Dave’s gonna
take you out on “Bumping Mics”? – No, but I was here
like a couple of months ago. When did it become this
guys talking about other guys
and how good-lookin’ we are? – Oh, that’s been
a whole thing. – It was about talking
about our own– not about other guys.
– Okay. – I’m mostly here for
the other guys. – But I think Kevin–
the thing that I like about Kevin is that
he dresses up. He looks good.
– Yeah. – He looks good in a suit.
– True. – As we always used to say.
My dad said, like, if you look good in a suit,
you’re set, you know,
and he was shorter than me. – I don’t look good
in a suit. – He was way tinier than me. – I don’t look good
in a suit either. – Dan looks great in a suit.
– Of course. – I don’t think I do.
I look a little boxy. Look a little “Lurchy.”
– You do? – Yeah, look
a little “Lurchy.” Um, are you into
independent detectives? – Am I into them?
– Dude, sick segue, dude. – Thanks, bro.
– Is this a new app, or is there actually
a detective here? – No, we’re trying to get– Jay’s trying to get
me into this– We watch the show “Cheaters.”
– Oh, oh! I know what
you’re talkin’ about. Yeah, yeah.
– Yeah, detective work. – Yes.
– Yeah, Detective Gomez, I believe– have we found
that, Christine? Is he the detective
from “Cheaters”? – (Christine) It looks like it.
It looks like he’s the guy. – Do you ever watch “Cheaters”?
– Yeah, of course I– I’ve been on the road.
– Yeah. (laughter) – That’s a road show.
– “Blind Date.” – Like, three hours
of “Cheaters.” – You got “Blind Date,”
“Cheaters”… – And “Cheaters,” yup.
– All the old fuckin’ hits. – “Forensic Files.”
– “Foren”– yeah. You know all the things
that are airing at two to three in
the morning. Well, Jay found this guy
from watching “Cheaters,” where he breaks down
“Cheaters” episodes. Also, I like that he was–
– He doesn’t break ’em down. He just posts them, but when it would go
to commercial normally, he just puts himself in there
going like, “Yo, check out
detectivegomez.com “if you want to know if
someone’s been cheating on you, you thnk that someone…” And it’s just some dude…
– Oh, that’s him? That’s cool. – …that just talks in between.
It’s hilarious. – (Dan) Mm-hm.
– (Dave) Mm. (Christine)
The P.I. that the show– that the producers hire.
– Yes. That makes sense to me.
– So they have a legit P.I. – Is that show still
in production, as they say? – Well, their host just died. – Oh, really?
– Clark Gable III. – Oh. (laughing)
– Yeah. (laughter)
That’s a real thing. – That’s a real thing, oh, yeah.
– Wow. – Oh, didn’t Detective Gomez
do a “in memoriam” for Clark Gable III
that we could show Dave? – Yeah, we have– I haven’t
seen it yet myself. I just know this guys’
got a wealth of videos online, and he’s got one video where
he’s talking in front of– – Look, Dave,
this Reese’s peanuts is wearing two hats too.
This Reese– – (laughing) – Two hats–
– You’re the winner, Dan. – Yeah! – You get the tour
of Dave’s apartment. – Oh! I’ve got to go home
and change first. – Smell my finger.
The, uh… So, this detective–
he’s a real detective, right? – He’s a real detective,
but… (clears throat) He– Oh, wow,
is this gonna be it? – (Dave) Oh, no.
– This is his– – But he didn’t
do anything about this guy’s death
or anything. He’s like,
I’m not that kind of detective. – No.
– No– Yeah, exactly! You don’t get anything. – You know I get
in the mud. – I only deal with asking you
to put a camera inside your boyfriend’s
apartment so you can watch him
banging your best friend. The B-roll– I say
the “Bad Girls Club” and the show “Cheaters,”
the B-roll must be fantastic. – Oh, it must be.
– ‘Cause they’ve walked in on people making
clown pornography before. – This is– Is this a good time
to drop the bomb on my new show, or no?
– (laughing) – I mean, we’re waiting for
something to spool up, right? – We’re waiting for Christine
to hit “play,” I don’t know. – Ah, here we go.
♪♪ – This is him remembering
the host who died. – In loving memory.
– Just chords. – Someone gave it a thumb down,
of Clark James Gable. – Just chords. –Detective Gomez here
with Clark Gable.We’re gettin’ ready to do
a confrontation right now.What’s the plan for today?– (Dave) Ahh…
– Oh, this is… – Oh, they were like friends.
– Wait, who is the detective? (Christine)
This is the detective. – The little guy.
– And that guy died? – Yeah.
– (Christine) Yeah. – Wow, he’s gorgeous.
(laughter) That guy is a hard eight,
am I right, buddy? – Easy.
– I’m a hard 6-1/2 right now. (laughter) 7-1/2 when I get home.
– Wow. – Dan, don’t you ever disparage
your big, huge, fat cock like that again.
– I’m gonna call him Clark Gable IV,
he’s that hot. – (Dan) Right?
(laughter) Times three.
– And it really shows you what a little pud
fuckin’ Detective Gomez is. (laughter) – He goes,
“This is my Ewok.” (stammering) “This is the Ewok
that helps me.” – (weird voice)
“Hey, I get all the things…” (stammering)
“The space man over here.” – What’s the song that the Ewoks
sing at the end? – ♪ Bum ba dum ba da
boop boop ♪ ♪ Bum ba dum
ba da boop boop ♪ – (laughing)
When they catch a cheater. (both vocalizing) – ♪ Boop boo ♪ ♪ Bum ba dum ba dum
boop boop ♪ ♪ Bum ba dum
ba bum boop boop ♪ – “This is my Ewok.
His name is Detective Gomez. I’m Clark Gable III…” – (mimicking Ewok babble) – “I’m made completely
out of wood.” (light laughter)
“I’m a wood man.” – Dude, Clark Gable is one of
the most uncomfortable speakers I’ve ever seen. I have no idea
why he did the show. – He’s not the original host
of “Cheaters,” though. – No.
– The third. – That was
like five hosts ago. – Three, he’s the third.
There was only three hosts. Tommy Grand started the show.
– (stifling laughter) – And then his name became
Tommy Habeeb. He started using
his real-ass name. – (laughing)
– Very weird, right? Uh, and then Joey Greco
took over after people couldn’t deal with the Tommy Habeeb
switch, I guess? I guess the world
wasn’t ready. – Wow.
(laughter) – And then, uh,
Joey Greco did it. And then Joey Greco, they–
they faked a stabbing on a boat. – Yeah, I remember that,
seeing that. – And then it went
off the air for a while, and then CG3 came back. – (laughing) “CG3”!
– There’s almost– there’s almost
as many Dr. Who’s as there are hosts
of “Cheaters.” (laughter) – Let’s continue with
the “in memoriam.” – The Dr. Who
of “Who’s Cheatin’?” – Who’s…
the who’s who… – Dr. Whodunnit!
– (laughing) – (Gomez)Okay, we’re gonna
get on the road right now.– There’s nothing worse
than getting caught cheating and then a handsome man
stands there and goes, “Why would you do that?”
– Oh, also guy– I– – “I don’t understand
why you would do– she loved you so much.
She took care of you two years.” – A guy that can’t laugh along. You’re like,
“Right, Clark, this sucks?” He’s like, “What?” – “I don’t understand.
What sucks? Why wouldn’t you just tell her
you didn’t want to be with her?” – “I got to spend
some time with her. She seems like a lovely lady.” You’re like, “Please don’t
do this to me, dude.” – “She cares about you.”
– “Can you be a guy about this?” – There’s no way the timing
actually worked out that way. – (mimicking Ewok babble)
Detective Gomez. (mimicking Ewok babble) Who is that?
Who is that furry little friend? – ♪ Bum ba dum ba dum
boop boop ♪ ♪ Bum ba dum
ba dum boop boop ♪ Um, yeah, he would just
get in… “Well, I don’t understand why
you would cheat on someone who
loved you so much.” They would really goad
the situation. – Let’s keep watching
the “in memorial.” – It was hard to feel sorry
for anybody on the show. – Yeah.
– Oh, yeah. – Yeah, ’cause you know
that they all– this is all self-deserved.
– Yeah. – Self-fulfilled prophecy. –…the location, and we’re
gonna go from there.Stay tuned, and be ready
for some crazy action.– As they’re laughing at
someone’s life falling apart. – Is that them?
I didn’t recognize them ’cause they were wearing
sunglasses. They were “undercover,”
I suppose. (laughter) – (Dan) They’re on
a sting operation. – Who is that?
– Is that Detective Gomez? – Is that Tony Habeeb, or…
who is that? – That’s Clark Gable III.
– (Dave) Oh, right. Oh, see?
(laughing) – CG3.
(Jacob laughing) (music plays on TV) – Terrible picture. – So how did he die, though?
Does anyone know? – I think drugs.
– Probably drug overdose. – Oh, well that mime episode
was great. – I think he drowned
in pussy. – That was the only time
the mime talked. It’s like… (whispering)
“You should go to a doctor.” – “I see something.
You look ‘jaunt.'” – “My mime abilities.” – “Yeah, I’m miming
that you’re jaunty.” – By the way– – “Ease up your heart rhythm.
It’s off.” – He goes from like
handsome and young-looking in one picture to like… – Yeah, look at that.
– Like someone age– like a gypsy curse
aged him or something. – Yeah, some of these pictures,
he looked like he played in the NBA
in the ’80s. – No, it looks like
he just lost, uh… he lost…
(laughing) he lost the belief
in true love. – Yeah, it’s gone.
– (laughing) – He’s like,
“I’m never gonna find that one romance.”
– “It’s gone. It’s gone. “Ashley got married.
She moved on. That was my shot.”
– Oh, yeah, that’d be cool if he meet someone
on the show. – Oh, yeah.
He hooks up with a girl that got cheated on.
– (laughing) Yeah. “Come on over here,
little bit.” – All right.
– How old was he? He was young, right?
– Died of an overdose. – Was he young?
– Yeah, he was in his… – Can’t tell, it depends
what picture you’re asking. – (Jacob) In his 30s.
I think it was OxyContin. – Mm.
– Mm, wow. – Good job, Purdue Pharma.
You took another good one. – He goes, “Well, he went out
feelin’ ‘noice.'” – That explains why
the “Cheaters” budget went up way high
the last season. – Yeah.
– “Listen, we need…” – The “Cheaters,”
a lot of missing money in the “Cheaters”
petty cash. – They go, “Hey, guys, listen.
I know that we, uh… “we still greenlit
another season for ‘Cheaters.’ Can I ask why it has the budget
of an Avengers movie?” (laughter) – “Can we get an advance?” – Yeah. “Did you guys catch
someone major “cheating on here with some,
I want to say, Blackwater– Did you guys hire Blackwater
to hire– to find–” – Setting up a drone at
an Olive Garden parking lot is not cheap.
– (Dan and Jay) Yeah. – Maybe they can… (chuckles)
redo the show where it’s like people
who are cheating on their diets. It would take some of the–
(laughing) – “That guy with that burger.”
– “Put the brownie down!” (laughter) – “Oh, yeah?
Why do we have video “of you with
a pastrami sandwich at home when you said
you were at work?” – You can have
home security footage of Christine eating fuckin’
snacks while I’m gone, on the road
or something like that. – Old “Noodle Hands”
Christine? – Not willing to tell me.
– (Christine) I’d be mortified if I was being filmed while
you were on the road. (laughing) – Vecchione doesn’t realize
I put on his clothes, and I eat…
I eat on his bed. – Christine just flagran–
– Oh, that would– that would make him nuts.
– I mean, he would kill me. – Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
– I think he would legitimat– If I sat Indian-style
and just ate, like, Indian food.
– Nom, nom, nom, nom. – (munching)
Then he comes home, he’s like, “Dude, can I talk to you?”
– For sure. – So, can I pitch
my show now, or… – (Dan) Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
– (Jay) Yup. – What’s your show?
– We got a new show. It’s called
“Celebrity Hospice.” – (Dan) Okay. I like it.
(laughter) – I’m afraid–
I’m sorr– he would have been
a great addition, this kid, Clark Gable IV. It’s when people’s careers
are dying before they are. – Oh.
– And then, you know, we give– let them go out
with a little dignity. I’m gonna be
on the show myself. My career has died
ten years ago. – Is there–
Is there, like, a finale talent show that you guys do? Well, that’s the whole thing
is we’re, like, um, we try and, like, transition
them into getting jobs. – Mmm, you’re–
– Yeah. – –assimilating.
– We have an audition today for you down at Staples. – Yeah, the winner gets to be Andy Dick’s assistant
for a year. – Yeah.
– (laughter) (whispering) And…
the assistant for Andy Dick is… (mimics drumroll)
– I loved that show. “The Assistant.”
– “One unlucky customer!” – Yeah, um. – Let’s finish this tribute. – Oh, to the fuckin’
Latin dance music? Here you go. Hit it.
– That’s a long tribute. – ♪♪
– But what’s the other thing you had, Christine,
for this guy? – Well, there’s–
there’s a few things we have going on.
– Mm-hmm? – Well, is that guy a mime,
or is he wearing the reverse whiteface? – I bet– that mime is definitely part of the–
catching the– – I think that’s
Detective Gomez. – They’ve had people come in
and do a, like, fake, like, knock on the doors
as, like, a pizza guy and then– and then bust in. – That would be a cool credit
on an acting thing. As the mime on “Cheaters.” – Played Mime Clown
on “Cheaters.” – –were you in
Episode 167 of “Cheaters”? He’s got his bio up on his–
he’s– what’s the book? The book is “Ten Ways
You Can Spot Cheating.” – Yeah, it’s not–
– Let’s go through these signs. – –super insightful,
it’s pretty, like, on the nose. – This is good.
– (growly) Detective Daniel Gomez presents… – It’s written like
a wedding invitation. (laughing) – I mean,
he’s got a fuckin’… – The table of contents is
gonna be ten chapters, I hope? – Difficulty– difficulty–
– The old– calligraphy. – Oh, it’s too much,
I’ll tell you what– this guy is selling out
dudes across the country. Difficulty getting–
so every time you can’t get a hold– someone’s
got a bad signal, they’re definitely
cheating on you. – I wanna meet someone that has read this book
and fuckin’ thought their partner was cheating
’cause of this book. – Everybody.
– Everybody. – Everyone who’s read it is,
like, definitely, “I’m being cheated on.”
– Difficulty reaching your partner is the first sign. – What’s the next one? I can’t reach during
business hours? My partner takes hours
to return texts. – Mmm.
– Cannot reach partner while running errands,
I’ll tell you what– if someone starts–
if somebody starts responding to texts super-quick,
maybe also that’s the thing, ’cause they wanna
get it over with. It could be
any number of things. – What if your part–
what about number two– where your partner is
paying more attention to his or her appearance. – Oh, wow.
– Going from a 6 to an 8. – Mmmm. – Yeah, Christine’s
been putting makeup on lately. – I don’t like that.
– Mmm. – She been putting
a lot of makeup on lately. She hasn’t been standing
in front of the mirror doing makeup in
quite some time. Now she’s back
to making smoky eyes again. – Vecchione’s been eating
a lot of vegetables. Do you think he’s trying
to court a new roommate? – Yeah, I do. – I’m pretty insecure about it.
– All of a sudden, my partner has been spending
a lot more time working out at the gym rather than
spending time with me. (under breath)
Well, that’s not happening. Uh, I have not been going
to the gym at all. Uh, my partner recently
colored her hair differently. – No.
– Wow, this is very, uh– – More time in the mirror?
– This is vague as shit. – In the mirror, yeah,
Christine’s in the mirror a lot. So, so far, she’s cheating. I tried to call her earlier
today, she didn’t answer. – It sounds a little–
very fine line of possession. Where it’s like, uh,
my partner’s doing anything that doesn’t involve me?
She’s cheating. – That is what it seems.
– I noticed she didn’t laugh at the joke she heard
12 times at the barbecue. – (laughter)
– This book should be– – She’s cheating!
– This– This book should be called “Dating Detective
Daniel Gomez Is a Nightmare.” – Did she– Did she make plans
with her friends instead of greeting you
when you got home from work with a Tom Collins?
– Cheating! – Cheating.
– Did she sleep– – Everyone–
– Did she sleep a half-hour longer than she normally does? – Cheating.
– Cheating. – Partner is preoccupied
and less attentive. Yeah, right now Christine’s
cheating on me with Skankfest. – (muttering)
– Holding conversation? – Oh, my partner forgets
things I tell him. Uh– I mean,
why is it always on him? Every– things I tell “him”? Wouldn’t it be “them”? It’s always a guy, huh?
– It should be, but– – “My partner,” yeah.
– My partner and I are having a very hard time
holding conversations. He’s an idiot.
– I wonder if that– the scenario is,
“You know, that reminds me of one time on ‘Cheaters.'”
– (laughter) – Snore. Snore.
– You don’ think he doesn’t– he doesn’t fuckin’ shoehorn
that in there every time? – Oh, yeah,
abso– for sure. – He goes, “You know,
so when we’re on set–” – Yeah.
– “And I know I got the perp, “what I like to do is,
I like to– CG3, my boy, RIP CG3.”
– CG3. – He’s in the dirt,
but he’s not forgotten. – “I jump out of the van, the cameraman’s
right behind me,” bore! Bore!
– Boring. – Yeah, I don’t wanna talk
to the detective. I wanna talk to the bouncers. – Yes.
– Or a host of the show. – Cameraman.
– I’ll tell you what, uh, editor Corey over there, whoever gets to edit,
are you not envious of the job of editing,
like, a “Bad Girls Club” or a show like that–
there is so much gash just laying
on the cutting room floor there. – Is the editing community
a small one? Do you know the editors
of “Bad Girls Club”? Would you say
it’s tightly cut? – Fuckin’ this Camera Corey knows the guy who got
killed on “Cops.” The cameraman.
– Yep. – That’s how tight-knit
the camera community is. – Did you know that?
– Wow, how many rounds have you had to buy for that guy?
I mean, honestly. – No, he died,
he got killed. – Oh, he did?
But that’s like, that’s like, that’s like
adventure journalism, those guys, you know, the guys,
like, on the fishing boats. All those guys?
– The “Deadliest Catch” dudes? – There’s another guy
who’s doing, like, “Well, I do ‘Puppy Bowl,’ you know,
I could get bit.” Oh, yeah,
you’re buying this round. – That’s so great. Oh– some of those dogs
have sharp teeth. – Yeah, I mean really.
– They let– They let
up to three months. – They trust ’em loose, too. They just let ’em
run loose. – They are–
their handlers are not in the room when that puppy bowl
is going on. Yeah, that’s fuckin’–
– Do you notice your partner is not as interested
in Puppy Bowl anymore? – Cheating.
– Cheating. – I wonder how much cops–
– Is your partner playing in the Puppy Bowl?
Cheating. – Your partner’s been going
on more business trips. – Decreased sexual activity, intimacy, and affection
from partner? Oh, every relationship?
– (laughter) – Whoa, what a fuckin’
bold prediction. Hey, do you not find
your partner as attractive as you did
when you first met? – Mm-hmm.
– Cheating. – Uh, the next one says
intuition. I’m trying to read it. Intuition. Uh, the feeling,
the disturbing feeling that something is wrong.
– Yes. – That’s what Jacob brings
to the table every day for me. – That’s Jacob’s daily routine.
– Fuckin’ doom face. And then they, of course,
tell us in fact that there is doom,
imminent doom. So, my intuitions were correct. – If you don’t know
the depth and details, your gut knows that something
is off-center. – So, if you have a feeling
that something’s wrong, your– your significant other
is cheating on you. – When he wrote this paragraph,
I wonder if he just pushed himself away
from the typewriter in that remote Maine cabin
that he rented to write this. – “You saved
a lot of people’s lives.” – I thought he was gonna go,
like, and you know, if you think
you’re being cheated on, the first– best thing to do is cheat on them
before they cheat on you. – (growly)
Cut their brake lines. They don’t respect you,
they do not live. – You can do it with me.
I’m emotionless. I don’t get attached easy.
– (growly) Hello, I am– – I am a good,
generous lover, I’m told. – I am an apathetic sociopath that does mind–
does not mind performing oral sex. – You gotta get this guy
in here. – Yeah, Daniel Gomez?
I would love that. – He could save
a lot of relationships. He might be able to save
the show. (fire crackling) – Uh, it’s the Bonfire,
we’re hanging out with Dave Attell–
Dave Attell gonna be in Albany this Friday
and Saturday at the Funny Bone. Uh, with dates coming up
for Bumping Mics at the Borgata as well as the Sands Casino
in Bethelehem, Pennsylvania. DaveAttell.com
for more info on those. And to buy tickets–
um, Dan, what’s wrong? I ate too much candy.
– Are you having– are you really getting a rush?
– I got a tummyache. – You got a candy headache.
– I got a tummy– I got a tummyache–
I fuckin’ took down six Reeses Pieces, like,
five Kit Kats. Dave’s a terrorist,
Dave’s a candy terrorist. He comes in here,
and he fuckin’ blows up our bus. – You–
– Meager bus. – I know you’re backed up on
some things you have to watch… – Mm-hmm.
– …for this show. You have not watched
the “Heart of Gold” documentary yet?
– I have not. – Did you check that out
at all, Dave? – What is it?
– It’s about molestation. – The gymnastics…
– (Dave) Oh, no, no– – US gymnastics team getting
molested by the doctor. – Oh yeah, horrible story.
– “Horrible story”. – No, it is. And, uh–
– It’s weird to say it’s a fantastic documentary
about a horrible– – It’s a hard topic, yeah.
– It is definitely the most backflips
in any form of pedophilia. (laughs)
– Yeah, no shit. – Most capable
standing backflips. –No mas.
– That doctor was crazy. You have the, uh– you kee–
I feel like we keep starting to say about
the “Rolling Stone” article on Corey Feldman.
– Oh, dude. There is a weird– the Corey Feldman is in
“Rolling Stone”… – Now, Dave went with us.
– (Dave) Yeah, I was there. – To see Corey Feldman live.
– So Corey Feldman, there’s a new article
in “Rolling Stone” with Corey Feldman and he’s
talking about the Wolfpack, who we had, um…
– The leader of, we spoke to. – …on the show.
– The Wolfpack is a– a thing he believes is a group
of people coming to– I guess they attacked him with
a needle on the streets. – Oh, right, right.
– And bother him constantly online, they basically
cyberbully him, he says. – Yeah, he gets cyberbullied.
– We talked to Bobby Wolfe of the Wolfpack who says
he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but maybe
Bobby Wolfe’s a lunatic. Who knows?
– But they talk about it in “Rolling Stone”, and they
talk about how Corey Haim’s mom is– kind of assembled
the Wolfpack to stop Corey Feldman from, you know,
just blatantly talking about her son being raped. But then the weird thing is,
he talks about the Michael Jackson documentary
and he was like, “I don’t know. I was being groomed–” I wanna
read you the exact quote because it’s insanely
narcissistic where he just go– – He’s amazing, man.
– He goes, “Yeah, I don’t know.” – He finds a way to do it.
– He goes, “I don’t know. “I was just, you know,
I was around his house “and he didn’t
try anything with me. I mean, I was young, blonde,
and hot, just his type.” And you’re like, what?
– He said “just his type”? – Yeah, he goes,
“I was his type.” – (Christine) He’s bummed.
– Well, that’s– I mean, “just his type”?
– Crazy bummed. – “Just his type” is saying
that he did it. – Yeah. That’s saying like–
oh yeah, no, but he’s like– ’cause he says that he won’t
speak about it anymore. (Christine) He says he won’t
defend Michael Jackson anymore. He said after hearing
the stories, he can no longer
defend Michael Jackson. – But now he’s gonna say
“I was his type”? – That’s a weird thing
to say about someone you’re– – “Guy never fucked me and
I was right in his wheelhouse. Young, fine-ass booty.
– (Christine) Dan? – What? Oh, “I watch–”
He’s talking about “Leaving Neverland”– “I watched
it with my wife and son. “It caused me to have concerns.
It’s the standard grooming process that they deserve.”
– Describe. “They deserve?” Don’t go on record
saying that, buddy. – Sorry. (chuckles)
“Everything was similar “to what happened to me
up until the sexual part. “Everything.
He bought me gifts, “a watch and a TV,
a gold watch from Disneyland. “So was he grooming me
and I just never ended up “being his pick, or is that
just who he was? “That’s the fucking thing,
we’ll never know. “But I would’ve been
exactly his type. I was cute, short,
and blonde, you know?” – He really considers
himself a 9. – Yeah, oh–
– A 9? – Trying to circle it back
to when I walked in. – He doesn’t, he considers
himself a flat-out 10. He thinks he’s the shit.
– I think 10 is too low for him. I think he’s– he’s
the secretive 11. – Yeah, he is. Da–
I still love the fuckin’ line where we’re watching
Corey and the Angels and Dave just leans over
and he goes, “If one of the girls
gets kicked out of the band, are they out of heaven?”
– (laughter) – “Do they get
kicked out of heaven?” – Take a notice,
you are out. – But it’s the craziest thing
that this guy… the whole thing started off
with “I’m gonna tell the truth “about what happened to me
and Corey Haim. We were both raped a ton.”
Then he made that movie where he shows him getting
his dick sucked sorta once and Corey Haim gets
raped constantly. And now when he starts
this song, it says– The song we were play–
– ♪ He told me not to tell ♪ ♪ That’s all I did ♪♪
– ♪ He told me a secret ♪ ♪ The secret I knew
I could never tell ♪♪ So it’s like, now it’s
just becoming that only Corey Haim was–
it’s bizarre. Like, I’m– like,
I’m only keeping your secret. There’s no–
I don’t have anything. – Wait till you see
“The Bonfire” Lifetime movie. – Oh, it’s gonna be dark.
– It’s gonna be me saving the entire staff from your torturous
raping and drugging. – Wow, that would be
out of character. – Is it? It’s my story to tell.
– Agree, that would be a– that would be very out of–
– When you turn on Jeff Ross, Dave Attell, what will that
Lifetime movie be? – I was gonna say,
this is, like, the ultimate segment
to give out some free passes. – Everybody, you can catch
hilarity like this on Sunday night
at Caroline’s. – No, I– you know what I think?
Is this Corey– has he ever come in here?
Because I think he would be a good addition to the show.
– He would never. – I would love it
but he won’t do it. He blocked us. He blocked us
on all social media. – But he’s just a…
– I’d like to hear his… – He’s barkin’–
– He’s a musician and an act– – He had everybody’s ear
for a minute, and no o– and he just lost
everybody again. – I don’t know what to say.
– ‘Cause he’s gonna roll it out the way he wants. He’s like, “I’m just gonna say
the names of these people, I need money
to make a documentary.” That was his thing.
– Yeah, I get it. – (laughter)
– He’s a Hollywood kid, though. – He doesn’t know anything else.
– Yeah, I’m sure. Yeah, it’s the only game
he knows and that’s why he j– – That’s all he knows.
– He just keeps going back in. – Like me, you know,
I know shoes. I was a shoe salesman.
That’s all I know. – I know, what everyone
talks abou– they call you Sole Man.
– Sole Man, yeah. (laughter) – Did you sell shoes?
– “Did you want these i– “I’m ready to get
another box, “I’ll go downstairs
and find a better shoe. I’ll do that for you.”
– I’ve walked through Union Square with Dave Attell
and they go, “There’s Sole Man.” – (laughter)
– He goes, “I worked at the Payless
it was on 15th an–” – “That’s why the Toe Bro
and I are gonna hook up.” – Toe Bro.
That should be your thing. – You know that guy,
the Toe Bro? – No.
– Oh, m– he’s like, the Detective Gomez of toes,
this guy. – Go for it.
– If you got a hangnail or anything wrong
with your foot, he like, goes at it
and like fixes it up. – What, does he come to you?
– No, no, no. People go on the show
and they’re all like, “I’m a dancer–”
– Toe Bro. – And like, “I thought
I was gonna have to give up dancing because of
my horrible feet.” – Oh, it’s a TV show?
– Yeah. – I watch
“Dr. Pimple Popper”, and there’s a new one
someone told me about where it’s like
urban skincare thing? And it’s just a woman
popping blackheads on black women’s labias.
– What? (laughter) – I said it’s a–
– Oh, here it is. “The life-changing Toe Bro”. – That’s always the best part,
the reveal. Oh my– – Oh, they show the feet?
Oh, so do you think people with foot fetishes
watch this and just like, stay half hard?
– I guess so, yeah. – You think they edge right
until they see the feet? – Absolutely, yes.
– Feet are very– ugh. – “Are you gonna make me pop?
You gonna make me pop with your toesies?”
– You guys don’t jerk off to the, uh,
childbirth videos ’cause you’re still
seeing a vagina? – (laughter)
– Oh, then I don’t either. – I like him just helping out
hillbillies. He goes, “Toes, shit, I got
like three of them.” – That is really–
– I wanna go visit a Toe Bro. – No, me too, I wanna let
Toe Bro go nuts. I got an ingrown toenail.
– Do they fix, Dave, as the connoisseur of the show,
do they fix the little toes ever or just the big toe only?
– He does whatever– whatever the problem is,
but he always also lik– – I have small toe problems.
– What’s going on w– small– you mean
that little pinky? – The pinky toe, I got the one
where it’s like, it’s curled up sorta.
– A little piggy. – You got hammer– hammer toes?
– No, not hammer toes. – Wearing a lot of stilettos?
– It’s like it’s always curved. – Really?
– Yeah. – (all groaning)
– Get the fuck out of here. – See?
– Kill it. Kill it! – Ohh… Man! That was hot.
– “Kill it”. (laughter) – That was so sexy.
– That was not sexy– – They’ve already been through
12 cameramen on the show. “I’m outta here!”
– Corey knows eight of ’em. – “I got a degree from NYU in
film, I’m outta here!” – Corey knows the guy
that’s like, “I’d rather go
get shot on ‘Cops’.” – (laughter)
– “I’d rather go be taking bullets on ‘Cops’.”
– I can’t believe that’s the only death on “Cops”–
– It’s disgusting. Especially like– I remember
I was watching it on the road, I was like, “Whoa!” – It made my back jaw clench
when I watched it. – Yet I can do
“Dr. Pimple Popper”. – You like that?
– They had one– they were pulling out of a shoulder
a lipoma– they were pulling out
of a shoulder the other day that it looked like they
pulled out a fuckin’– like a full chicken breast.
– Really? – It was– it looked
like a breast implant. – Did the person go like this?
– I guess so, yeah. It was– but I mean,
it was this big, and they pulled it out
of their shoulder. – Was there a lot of relief
out of the person? I’d be like, “Ooh…”
– Go to their Instagram. – (smacking lips)
– That’s what I saw. Dude, this thing comes o–
I can’t believe it, the size of this thing.
We’ll put it out @TheBonfireSXM. I can’t believe the things
people let grow in their bodies that long.
– Does it look satisf– I like that you just sai–
– No, it doesn’t look satisfy– it looks like they took out
like, her deltoid muscle. – But it’s funny ’cause
you said that they– these people let this grow
inside of them. – Yeah.
– But I don’t think they “let them”, it just
does grow inside them. – No, man.
– You can get that reality T– I wonder what the insurance
is on these shows. – Most of these things
can be handled. – “All right, here’s
your, um, AFTRA money. But you owe us,
with the co-pay–” – It’s a co-pay, that’s what
I was just gonna say. “There is a co-pay.
You are Cobra, so…” – And you have to join
the union now, I’m sorry. – Yeah, you’re SAG.
– That was a, you know, a speaking part.
– (laughter) Yeah. “You had more than
three lines.” – Lipoma. That sounds like
a great name, like a fake name. – Lipoma? That’s
a good rapper name. – Lipoma.
– “Who’s gonna be there?” “Well, you know, Lipoma.”
– Yeah, that was it, that’s it. It’s not a deltoid muscle. This is fucking crazy.
– I’m in. – (Dan groans)
– Look at those guns. What could possibly
be wrong with that? – That’s so cool,
her bicep is up there. – She’s like giving directions
with her– with her arm. – This is nuts.
This is nuts. (Dan blows raspberry) It looks like a Nerf ball comes
out of her shoulder. – Yeah, sound effects really
take some of the meat out of it. (all blowing raspberries) – (imitates slide whistle)
–(woman moans on TV)– Ooh…
– (Christine) Oh, that’s– – Oh, a prize.
– Yeah, pulled the chord. Rip the chord.
– Wait till it pops out. Does it look satisfying?
Satisfying’s the wrong word. – Oh, great.
– (all groaning) – That looks like chicken–
– I like it, I’m into this. I like this.
– Yeah, giving her the finger. – I d– can y– do you have
a hard time watching these? – No, this is awesome.
– (Dan making suction sounds) – Watch the pop. (Dave) Is that what’s– That’s
what’s in the Impossible Bur– (all gasping) (woman on TV)
That was awesome.– Goal!
–Oh, my God–– They should just leave it
like that and not fix it. – That’s what I’m saying.
I feel like they– – Tattoo it up.
– I feel like they took out a part
of her body that needs– –Mangia!
– (laughter) (with Italian accent)
– That’s some good fung gool! That’s some fresh provolone. – (woman)Oh my–
– Pasta fung gool, hey! – You ain’t never had
a girl arm until you had
this girl’s arm. – She better be under some
kind of anesthetic, right? – Oh, completely.
– It’s called satisfaction. – It’s called being a star.
– Yeah, it’s called you just ha– you just
got a career, baby. – I could never–
I would never sit around while something got that big.
I wo– now, here’s the thing, I don’t know if I would’ve
went to a doctor, I would’ve carved at it–
– Yeah, right. – Like Rambo?
– No, I’m just like nutty l– I’ve done a lot
of home, field surgery I probably should’ve went to
an emergency room for in my life, for sure.
– You’ve done a lot of field home surgery?
– I’ve definitely cut things
off my body for sure. – What’ve you cut off?
– Um… like a skin tag?
In my life, yeah. – How did you do that?
– Have you ever done your own stitches?
– No. – You ever fix
your own bullet wound? – Didn’t you see
“Rambo First Blood”? – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– As a kid going, “Let’s do our own stitches.” My mom did that
for me one time ’cause I cut my knee,
and she goes, “I’m not w– I’m sick of
running to the emergency room with you kids.” Like,
and she just like did it. – For real?
– Like we were frontier people. – With fishing line?
– Yeah, she’s like, “Here’s an ice cream”
and she was like– no, with like
a needle and thread. – Jesus. When she took it out,
did it hurt like a motherfucker? – No, actually, you know,
it was one of those things– it’s the worst scar,
but it was still like one of those things where like that’s
what everybody used to do. – Sew it up at home.
– The stapling now is the new thing, they don’t
even do thread anymore. They just staple it up
with that hospital stuff. – (imitates staple gun)
– I love that, yeah. “You’re a real brawler, huh?” (overlapping doctor
imitations) – “Keep your hands in your
pockets, you dangerous animal.” – What time is it?
– 20 of. – 20 of, dude.
– Oh, damn. – 40 after to you, man.
– My timing’s all off. – (Jacob) Got lunch…
– 20 of. 41 past the hour. (laughter) ♪♪ – Jacob says “Corey’s–
Corey Feldman’s ‘Imagine’ cover “reaches a new height
at the 2:00 minute mark. Words can’t describe it.” We’re gonna do our best
to try to fix that. – Yeah.
– We’re gonna try to use– you heard the whole thing? – No, I didn’t get
to the climax. – You didn’t get to 2:00?
– No. – ♪ Imagine all the people ♪
– Check out this sticker. “Be Andy”.
You see that? – That’s merch face.
– (Christine chuckling) – Be Andy.
– Always in our hearts. – And if you see, he always
leaves a medical glove. Because he stores it
in his butt. – Who the fuck’s
this Andy guy? (overlapping chatter) – They don’t give us
a lotta room in the comedy studio.
– I’ll just be over here being Lou.
– They don’t give us a lotta room in
the comedy studio, so Lou’s gotta– he’s gotta
fish it out of his own butt every time he takes
my headphones. – Yeah, that’s where–
that’s where he keeps it. – Son of a bitch.
– Yeah. – But you know what?
I’m just gonna use the house headphones today.
“Oh, come on, dude!” – He goes, “Hold on.
Hold on, dude. Here they come.”
– “Oh, God, passing it.” – (Christine) Lysol wipes ’cause
we’re so courteous. – It’s what?
– Lysol wipes ’cause we’re so courteous.
– That’s not what we’re doing. We’re not being courteous,
we’re wiping the last show off. And Black Lou’s
gotta sit there and watch you guys wipe “negro”
off everything in that studio and you think that makes him
feel good about himself? It makes me
uncomfortable as shit. – (Christine) Great description.
– It takes everything in Jacob not to Formula 409
Black Lou himself. – He’s tried, he’s spritzed–
– I’ve seen him try before. – I got right in the way.
I said, “Jacob, that is not okay.”
– And we go, “Jacob–” – And when you put–
– “Jacob, it doesn’t come off. Jacob, it doesn’t come off.”
– “Jacob, stop it!” – “Jacob, it doesn’t come off.
You’re gonna hurt his eyes.” – “Jacob, your mother
is ignorant and she taught you that.”
– (laughter) – “Jacob, your mother
is very ignorant–” – “You come
from Florida rubes.” – “Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised
if her carnival people–” – (laughter)
– “You do not do that.” – “Your father who built
a Tilt-A-Whirl taught you wrong. It doesn’t come off.” It’s not
winter jacket-cold today. – That’s too much.
– Come on, that’s a lot. Come on, Eskimo lady. – Corey, you don’t know
what an Eskimo jacket looks like cause you followed
the completely wrong person. The only person you
didn’t film right there was the one person
with the Eskimo jacket, – Corey, you just blew my trust
in you for winter coats. – (laughter) Yeah.
– And I was gonna say, fall clothing–
– Corey, do me a favor, I’ll give you back the money,
can you buy me a winter coat? Man, a real winter coat.
– When people ask me about Cor– – He’s gonna give me
an umbrella and boots. – I go, “Lights-out
fall clothing. “Winter? Now I’m suspect.
Now I’m very suspect. “Jay gave a clear instruction
of a coat and you went
the wrong direction.” – But did you see how fast
he whipped, though? That was good camerawork.
– Yeah, it was just smo– that was– look at that.
– Oh, dude. – I bet someone just puked.
– You’d be a great– you’d be good on “Cheaters”.
– (mock retching) Yeah, you ever thought
about doing like, side work on “Cheaters”? – Corey, would you
wanna do “Cops” and like chase perps
with the camera? Hoppin’ fences and shit?
– Right? You’d wanna do that? – Hell yeah. That’s gotta be
the cameraman’s dream. – Oh yeah, the camera’s–
– “Cops”. – You think “Cops”
is their NFL? – Yeah, that’s the pros.
– “This season of ‘Cops’, in the second-round
cameraman draft…” – You see the camera guy
get shot on “Cops”. Camera guy got shot,
you saw that? Of course, yeah,
probably came out in the cameraperson newsletter.
– Yeah, I was gonna say, I go, “Lynn and Corey, would you
be okay with us watching this? Or th– as a cameraperson,
are you gonna be triggered?” – As a cameraperson, is it
gonna wig you out? (Corey) No, I knew the guy
that got killed. – You don’t mean that.
– (Corey) No, I’m serious. – Really? The camera guy
community’s that small that you knew a Wichita
fuckin’ camera guy at “Cops”? – I went to college with him.
– For what? – Camera college?
– “Cops” ca– camera college? (laughter) – He goes, “Man, we were
in ‘Cops’ Camera 101 together. Freshman year.”
– He goes, “We did microphotography and…”
– Yeah. – “And filmology”?
– He goes, “I had nature, uh, closeness, I had–”
– “‘Cops’, I minored in ‘Cops’. – “I minored in ‘Cops’.”
– You knew him from college? Was he voted most likely to take
a fuckin’ L filming something? – (laughter)
– You know the problem? You’re a pussy, Corey.
You don’t get involved in any dangerous– you want
me and Dan to start playing Russian Roulette
in the studio, aiming at you and Lynn?
– We’ll go nuts. You don’t think I won’t
Molotov cocktail? – Click. “Oh, must be
Lynn’s lucky day.” (makes cylinder clicking sound) – “Guys, we’re gonna take
our first break and when we come back…”
(makes cylinder clicking sound) “Corey might not be here!” – “Corey’s turn”. You see the camerawork’s
like very… – I go, “Focus, focus,
focus, focus.” – Dude, you got five chances,
nothing to this thing. Click.
– Yeah. Ha-ha! – Click. Click. Click.
I’m crazy! – “Lou!” Lou just
puts his mouth on it like a sippy straw.
– (muffled) “What– what’re we doing?”
– Oh, man. – “What’re we doing?
Do me the favor.” – He goes…
(muffled) “Put m– take me to
the final commercial break.” (laughter) – We go, “Sign off.
Sign off.” – “Time to go set up
live reads in the sky.” (laughter) Oh Hi! Didn’t see you
come in there. I’m Dan Soder. I’m Big Jay Oakerson.
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