When we’re in charge of
our kids, crazy things happen. This is Mister Beardo from
Chillicothe, Ohio. Let’s talk about that. ♪ (theme music) ♪ – Gooooooooooood Mythical Morning!
– This episode is brought to you by Orabrush. 90% of bad breath comes from
a dirty tongue, unless you use this. I have such a squeaky-clean
tongue, I eat off of it. – Hah. That’s so clever, Rhett.
– Pick ’em up at Orabrush.com or… – CVS or Walmart.
– Walmart. CVS, Walmart. You know, anywhere! The nearest big store.
Actually, just CVS and Walmart. (laughs) Thanks for joining us today.
You’re a human being. – I hope they are.
– You are special. – Some animals watch this.
– You can accomplish things today that, up until this point,
you had not accomplished. – This is motivational!
– It’s up to you. And we’re just here to give you a bright spot to
send you in the right direction. You’re like Tony Robbins. (deeply) But
Tony Robbins– he talks like this. It’s like the man… has
a very… powerful… voice. We just wanna help. We wanna be a part
of your routine that helps. Help us – help you, people. Watch.
– (normally) This is like therapeutic now? – Yeah, I think so.
– This is– yeah. It’s therapeutic for
our relationship, I think. Next time you go to the psychiatrist–
or just your counselor– and you tell ’em you got some issues, he’s going to
prescribe watching Good Mythical Morning every day. That’s the new thing. If you’re
a psychiatrist or a counselor out there, we just encourage you. Feel free to
diagnose people, or prescribe people this show. I mean, I don’t know how that
would fly with the medical community. – Should I not be saying this at all?
– No, this is good. Diagnose them with a – G-double-M deficiency.
– Yeah, there you go. This weekend was… – interesting.
– Awesome. – Yeah it was.
– Our wives– they’re both beautiful, as – we have established previously–
– (laughs) But we love them for all types of reasons,
how they are as internal people too. – They went away together.
– Internal people? Well, they went to a conference
with some other women. – We were not invited.
– It was a women’s conference. We were invited to keep
our kids in their absence. And so they left on Friday and then they
came back Saturday night. So we had our children– I had my children, two of ’em;
you had your children– three of ’em. Three. I know. I know I’m blowing your
mind, people. Yes, I have at least three children. (laughs) No, I have
only three children. And we kept them for 24 hours
and now we’re reporting back. Mom’s away! It’s kinda like “bombs away,”
almost in a literal sense, that Mom leaves and then bombs! Away! Mom’s away! The kids
are falling everywhere, just going nuts… But your kids are– everyone’s alive.
I mean, we’re here today. – Yes.
– Everyone’s still alive. Spoiler alert, my kids are still alive.
But that is pretty much my mentality. I mean, when Christy leaves town, if it’s
one night– I think the most that I’ve kept my kids without the assistance of my
wife was maybe three nights in a row. I think you’re your wife’s assistant. I
don’t think that she’s your assistant. – Yeah, that’s true.
– Let’s just be clear about that. – Without me being her meager assistant.
– Yes. Thanks for the clarification. 100% agree
with that. I definitely think that my mentality is one of survival. If I can
survive and keep all three of these – children alive…
– Mission accomplished. Mission accomplished. Anything else is
gravy, you know? If they grow as people, if they have experiences that, when
they’re older, they’ll talk about and how much they love me, and how they became
more of a human being? All of that’s gravy. I think that’s all our wives
expect, honestly. You know? – Because they know us.
– Is the house intact? – (laughs)
– Are the kids alive? Success. Well, speaking of keeping the house
intact, one of my strategies… because I like to keep things neat, and when Christy
comes back I like for things to be clean so she doesn’t have more
work when she gets back. – Come to a clean home.
– Yeah. She needs to come back to that. You know? That’s my little treat to her.
The only way I can do that is to get the kids out. Now, you’ve got a backyard, but
I don’t really have a back yard. There’s not much grass back there.
So I had to take ’em to a park. – Mmhm.
– My strategy was: get ’em to a park. Got ’em there, they had a pond with geese
and ducks. And for 25 cent you could get – a satchel of seed–
– This is a good plan. to feed– and the kids
were just loving it. Oh yeah. – I was like, “Yes!”
– Kids love birdseed. – I’m in gravy zone, here.
– Yeah, mmhm. You know? These kids are
gonna remember feeding– – Lifelong memory.
– Feeding ducks and geese and whatnot. – Yeah!
– I said, “Oh, here’s a bag, and you know, it’s only a quarter. Here’s another one!”
My kids were amazed I bought two of – something for ’em.
– Wow, yeah, the cheapest man in the world – is buying birdseed left and right.
– Yeah, my kids eyes were– whoa! Passing it out to the kids. Daddy’s crazy! He spent fifty cents! But Lando’s been
coming down with something. He’s almost two years old, and he’s coming down with
a sickness, and he started to get the – snotty, runny nose thing?
– Yep. – But that could not keep me in the house.
– Oh yeah. Take ’em to the park. – Expose him to birds.
– (laughs) So he’s got the snot running everywhere, and when you’re a kid that
age, you don’t really know many of the techniques to blow your nose, or to snort
and spit or any of that type of stuff. Yeah, yeah. Hocking a loogie is
not in the vocabulary yet. – No.
– Or in the repertoire. He probably has twelve
words in his vocabulary. – (laughs)
– That’s not one of ’em. So it’ll run and he’ll rub. It’ll run, and he’ll rub. It’ll
run, and he’ll rub. So… and I mean, I can’t sit there and wipe his nose all
day. It’s gonna chafe, it’s gonna be bad for him, it’s gonna be bad for everybody.
So I just admit defeat. He’s gonna have– He’s gotta be a snot-nosed
kid out here in public. Of course! Who cares?
The birds don’t care. So we’re feeding birdseed, and there’s a
fence so that the kids can’t go into the – pond. That’s probably my saving grace.
– Right. But they’re throwing birdseed through the
fence to the ducks and the geese, and then… I kinda sit back on a bench.
I’m taking a rest, because this is – exhausting.
– Oh yeah. Being a mom and a dad…
it’s stinkin’ exhausting. – Yeah.
– And they’re up there feeding the wildlife and I’m back, and I see
another two-year-old come up. – Uh oh.
– His mom gives him a bag of seed, and… (laughs) he grabs a big handful
and the first thing he does is– instead of looking at the birds– he turns, looks
at Lando, point blank range, fwoosh! – He thought he was a bird.
– I guess! Or he was trying to assert dominance. And I run up there. Lando’s
not crying; he’s just kinda looking stunned, and he turns
to me… birdseed beard. – (laughs) It stuck to the snot.
– Everywhere. It was just like, wow! That’s amazing! I didn’t get
a picture, because the– Did you hold ‘im up to the geese at
that point and let them peck at his face? I was laughing, the other mom was
laughing, Lando was just like… – Stunned.
– stunned. And the other kid… I was definitely thinking, “You should give him a
spanking,” but I didn’t tell his mom that. I was laughing, it was hysterical. My
other kids were laughing… and then I started to realize… his life might be in
danger. I look at these geese and all the geese and ducks were lined up. If it wasn’t
for that fence, he would’ve been attacked. He’s like one of those pine cones that you
put peanut butter on and then you stick – the birdseed to it.
– (laughs) Yeah. Right, right. – Your son’s face is essentially that.
– Like a caramel apple that you roll – in crushed nuts?
– If there were squirrels around, – it would’ve been a problem.
– Yeah, that’s true. So I raked it off, – and he survived!
– Well, congratulations. I had a similar experience. My philosophy is: get through
the day, and I do have a backyard and it’s fenced in and I feel that they’re
kinda safe back here, you know? – They can’t climb out.
– They’re contained. I got a 7-year-old and a 3-year-old, and I
kinda just say, “Boys, just go outside. – Amuse yourselves.” And my 3-year-old–
– While you do what? – Watch TV.
– (laughs) Tee-vee. – (both laugh)
– My 3-year-old is in a pullup. Now, he is potty trained, but he sleeps in a pullup
just ’cause we don’t wanna deal with him peeing in his pants during the night and
it happens, like, once in a blue moon. – Mmhm.
– I don’t know how often that is, but, – you know, fairly often.
– Whenever there’s a blue moon present, – he pees on it.
– So what my wife does is, once my son gets up– my children– she
dresses them, she, you know– – She parents them.
– She takes the pulloff… but I’m just like, “He’s fine!” you know? So I just
kinda send ’em in the backyard and – an hour or so goes by.
– (laughs) Now, we got a pretty muddy backyard,
because there’s one spot that kinda just never dries out. And so, I go outside and
I see my 3-year-old. He has stripped down to just his pullups. So this is like a
3-year-old in a diaper, essentially, is what it looks like. He is covered with
mud and dirt that has dried and kinda caked in different places. He has on a
Superman cape and he is holding a sword. – (laughs)
– And he is standing on a chair, holding it up. And I come outside. Now, it’s not
a real sword. We don’t have, like, a samurai sword. This is like a plastic
sword, you know? I do have some sense. And so he’s standing on the chair,
and I come out and he says, “I am… Superman Pirate
Power Ranger Captain America!” – What do you say to that?
– Good, son! I’m proud of you! – Yes you are! All day long!
– And then I thought, “Well, okay, I’m definitely gonna have to clean these kids
up before Jessie gets home, you know? – I can’t let her see ’em like this.”
– Two words: garden hose. Well, he took a bath later on. But they
came inside and Shepherd was– he’s the young one. Shepherd said, “Daddy,
I’m hungry.” And I kinda looked around and I was like, hm. And I saw
this big bucket of pistachios. You’re in your own
house, yet you’re foraging. – (laughs)
– Oh, son hungry. Me forage in home! I put him in the living room and I set
the pistachios down, and then I came out here and started writing a song, ’cause
I was like, “I need to write a song. I gotta take advantage of this time I’ve
got.” And so I spend about 30 minutes, – and I go back inside, and…
– (laughs) So you’re inside, you put them outside. You’re
outside, you put them inside. – Yeah.
– I hope Jessie’s not watching this. And so I go back inside and it’s like
they’re treating it like a Lone Star Steakhouse, where you can eat the peanuts
and you just throw the shell on the ground? – Shell on the floor, yeah.
– There is pistachio shell all over the living room. I’m like, “Guys! I thought I
trained you well enough to put ’em in the trash can!” So at that point
I was like… I started – questioning my parenting skills.
– Well, that’s what Power Ranger Superman – Tonto… whatever he–
– I thought… yeah! I thought Superman Power Ranger Captain America Pirate
could take care of himself! – Lone Ranger.
– You know? He’s got incredible vocabulary. So anyway, I clean him up, I clean the
house up, I put him in the shower… – Success!
– We had a great time. – High five! Dad high five.
– Kids gotta take care of themselves every once in a while. Moms just
baby ’em, you know? – Moms are… no, seriously though.
– No, okay. – Moms are stinkin’ awesome.
– It’s weekends like this that make us appreciate our wives and the fact that
they spend a lot more time with these kids than we do, and you know what?
They’re a lot better at it than we are. They’re not just alive, they’re becoming
greater human beings. When I go into the house later on today
and it’s time to eat dinner… I bet there won’t be
pistachio shells everywhere. My kids will be dressed, they will be
relatively clean, there will be a plate… There will be an actual meal. There will
be a fork and a drink. You know what I’m saying? There’ll be like a system that’s
being applied in there, and that system, I respect it. I haven’t been able to
achieve it, but I respect it. Thank you, Jessie. Thank you, Christy, for
being the moms that you are. – Yes, thank you.
– Probably never gonna leave – the kids with us again.
– But a birdseed beard is pretty cool. It is pretty awesome. (Link) All right, how are we
gonna end this show? – (Rhett) Rhett ventriloquises…
– Link. That’s me. – Oh.
– So… for once! – Only once I have to be the dummy here.
– Where do you want me to put my hand? Just pretend that your hand
is touching me. (laughs) – (laughs) Okay.
– But don’t put it up in anything. – Hey Link, how you doin’? No I’m–
– (both laugh) – You’re– okay.
– Hey Link, how you doin’? I want you to end the show. (silly voice) What’re you
talkin’ about? I don’t wanna end the show! I’m just a dummy. (normally) No, come on
now. Give yourself some credit. I mean, you do have an odd looking face, but I
mean, everyone can tell that, uh… I’m kinda losing my train of thought here.
Why don’t you just close the show out for us? (silly voice) Okay, well, I’m
really happy that you joined us today, and see this guy over here that’s holding me
up? His hand is not in any place that’s inappropriate at all. His hand is actually
right here because I’m not really a dummy. I’m just a person and we’re
playing this little thing. (laughs) See you tomorrow. [Captioned by Caitrin:
GMM Captioning Team]