My YouTube Breakup

My YouTube Breakup


Ohai guys. Happy new year! Ish. First video of 2019. Yeah, it’s
been awhile. I miss you guys. I wanted to kind of give you an update
on where I’ve been and I have some news to share…with all three
of you that are out there. Legend has it that YouTube will literally
murder your channel if you don’t upload every week, in which case I’ve been murdered
many times…and yet, regretfully, still alive. So where have
I been? Two words for ya: unrelenting depression. I don’t think it’s any secret that YouTube
has never been particularly great for my mental health and I’m not really
convinced that it’s great for anybody’s mental health. But I’ve also
always been a sad girl, you know? Ever since I went through puberty, I just tend to fall on the more
morose side of the spectrum. I feel like that’s something I’m
still learning to accept about myself. I’m never going to be one
of the deliriously happy
people that I see all over YouTube who seems so unbothered and
so unbroken, and so fashionable. It makes me feel like some
kind of talking potato. Trying to be any type of person online
that isn’t who you be are is a special kind of torture. So I guess you could say I’ve been dealing
with my problems in a much healthier way: by running away from them!
All the way to Japan, in fact. I’ve been traveling, it’s been wonderful and gardening and
studying Buddhism and really just trying to cultivate a positive community
that makes me feel good. And that has a lot of challenges and
bumps in the road, but it is worth it. So despite these inevitable
waves of depression, I feel like I’m figuring
things out and I’m doing okay. So that’s why happy new year.
Not surprisingly, perhaps, I’m still doing sex ed and working on
sexual health projects on the ground. In posting this video I wanted to say
thank you to those of you out there who encouraged me to keep going, who
encouraged me to go to grad school. Those of you who emailed to check up
on me that wow, that was really sweet. And to those of you who have constantly
encouraged me through such a wild ride to always stay true to myself and to
stay true to what I believe and to my voice. I’m sorry if in that process
I’ve ever let any of you down. I just hope that you know
it’s never my intention. I always just did the best I
could, hanging on to what I could. There’s a lot of crossed wires and hearsay
and all kinds of stuff online that is just too much for me to keep up
with. I can’t do it, you know? But all that said, some weird twisted
part of me still misses YouTube. It’s like missing an ex in some
ways. You know, once you break up, all the sudden all these good times come
into clear view and you start to doubt yourself and miss them and wonder
if you should get back together. The things that I miss the most are
writing videos and being goofy and late night streams and ridiculous memes and
really just having a genuine smart online community to communicate with you guys. The real friendships that
I’ve made through this
experience are what I miss the most. I also miss just having an
outlet, you know, having conversations, shooting the shit, sharing ideas,
not this, you know, screaming crazy, angry vortex that has now
seemed to grip the internet. Just real conversations with good
natured folks about stuff that you know, keeps you thinking for a
few days. That’s my shit. And that is how the podcast project I’m
working on called Indirect Message was born. That’s the main news that I
wanted to let you guys know about. I am moving to podcast land. This is different from anything I’ve
ever made before. I mean, for starters, it’s not about sex,
it’s about the internet, specifically how the
internet is changing society, how it’s changing the ways that we
relate to each other, human to human. These are topics that are
super fascinating to me
and I’m finally having fun making something for
the first time in years. I cannot tell you it feels good. Man. Feels like a cool way to
meet in the middle because
you don’t have to be looking at a screen, you know, while
you’re driving to work or
doing chores or you know, sprawled out on a blanket at the park. So if you enjoy the podcast world as
much as I do, I hope you enjoy it. Uh, please bear with me and figuring out
how to be a good podcast or be a good interviewer and the format.
So yeah, I’m excited. I’m planning to post
every other Wednesday. You can find them on your podcasting
app and you’ll be able to call in and participate. I really want to build a community of
people who are thoughtful and nuanced, people who really like to chew
on ideas. And if that’s you, I hope to see you there. So
anyway, that’s enough rambling. That’s where I’ve been and where
I’m going. I love you guys so much. And to anybody out there who
stopped by my channel at any time, whether you’re interested in
the subject matter or not, never forget to stay real, stay curious
and be kind to each other out there. I’ll see you next time. *Kiss*

100 thoughts on “My YouTube Breakup

  1. Ha! I tell people stuff like this all the time. I say “I’m a melancholy soul, I’m a sad person, I feel a lot, and thats OK.” My family doesn’t get it, they think im sick. I think they’re unrealistic lol.

    Glad to see you back in some capacity Laci. I’m looking forward to the podcast! My internet journey has transitioned with you in coincidental ways, I’m a very different person than i was in 2014-2016. I’ve gone from anti-SJW to centrist to moderate leftist to hating labels and feeling like everyone wants conformity from everyone. I’ve learned to be level, metered, and to accept others ideas as important, and valid to them, even if it makes no sense to me.

    You were part of that transformation, you taught me that it was okay to bridge the gap between ideological lines. To be friends with people you would never imagine possible. In essence, to coexist, and appreciate, not revile our differences. For this, I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for you, and I consider you as friend. Even if you’ll never know me.

    I’m a super stressed student now, crying over assignment overload instead of raging about internet opinions that don’t matter much to my own or others well being. It’s hard, but it’s honest and open. Anyway, i just wanted to say that i love ya girl. I’m proud of this journey you’ve taken to recapture yourself within all this chaos.

    Wishing you all the best.

    – Michael

  2. Im glad to see that you are focusing on your mental health. I always loved watching your videos they are postive and always felt happy and enlighted from your videos! Please keep doing what you love doing and what makes you feel happy I hope you enjoy doing the podcasts😊

  3. One can not heal depression by meeting people. Its cause has to be searched deep in ones soul. Usaly something is surpressed. The other main causes are mood swings caused by the sympathic nerve system.

  4. You’re fine. Be yourself. Don’t let it get to you. God bless follow me on @chadsingularity on Twitter. Japan is amazing. Did you go to Kyoto

  5. I agree with almost nothing Laci supports or promotes and yet… unlike the majority of nincompoops on the other side… I like her. I dunno why. I just like her.

  6. Laci, I don't particularly follow your career, but it struck me a couple of years ago that your reflective view on topics were honest, in good faith and valuable to hear. So.. I wondered today what you were up to and you didn't disappoint.. change is progress and I agree with the concern you are starting to talk about. best of luck with it!

  7. Ive never exactly been a fan. But ive always appreciated your sincerity amd your openness. Im going to check out your podcast.

  8. I doubt you’ll see this laci but it has been a long time since I checked your channel and I’ve been a fan for a long time. I hope the podcast world is a more nurturing environment for you. I work on the road because I don’t have a nurturing environment to live in. I’m gonna keep going until I find my happiness and I hope you do too. Take care and don’t give up.

  9. Glad you are finding a healthier space to be in. You've always been a wonderful spirit to watch and I thank you for doing it amidst the craziness of the internet. Be well and good luck to you!

  10. Laci. Laci! I'm so glad I've found you again! Ex mormon, depression, liberal who questions SJWs. I left due to my own problems…. And now I'm back and you're here and you question the same things. Thank you so much! I hope you continue to do well. Much love and gratitude. ❤❤❤

  11. Stay strong. Was refreshing to watch you start talking to people who disagree with you and really showed how you are willing to be open-minded.

  12. Laci, I'm the old mom, introduced to you thru my kids, grateful for your education of me and them. Whenever and wherever I see you for the rest of my life I'll be grateful!

  13. I'm glad she got off the cave man mentality of 'were right and your all wrong, agree and obey' and started talking to people on the other side. The feminists tried to cancel her but i think she bounced back pretty well.

  14. Hey I just saw your video on furries and I was hoping you might do one on the difference between Ddlg and littlespace because there's a different and not many people know I would really enjoy it and I'm sure others would too it would spread a lot of awareness thanks

  15. She returned from her safe space to find she is just as susceptible to mistakes like an other. Who knew?
    (Edit: Fired from Seeker "Dnews" )

  16. Yeah, the internet and depression is not just an unhealthy combination, it's all too often downright dangerous. The horrible truth is that attention oriented businesses and situations like entertainment and social media respectively, are ultimately the hunting and playgrounds of the psychopathic. The larger a star and the longer they've been large is 99% of the time due to them being a high order psychopath. They only care how you feel in regards to how it affects their market, but they totally understand your feelings to the point of hijacking you if you let your guard down. The only feelings they will allow themselves to actually feel are either experiments to relate better to everyone else or any emotional energy that drives them to their objectives.
    That said, most psychopaths aren't evil. Most have calculated out a very interesting realization: If I help everyone around me live the best life they can and secure the most happiness they can, my life can reach even higher levels of happiness and goals. It's shocking how far you can take that..

    Which leads me to the final warning on psychopaths: Some, the most capable psychopaths, can take this "lifting all boats" up into stratospheric levels. From massive corporations to an entire nation. That's how you get an Amazon that destroys entire sectors of small businesses and the Nazi party stomping around in their jackboots.

    Just some observations I've made that seemed appropriate to share with someone I the industry you are in. An industry I myself interacted with but decided I didn't want that kind of fire in my furnace.

    Take care, good luck and ALWAYS put your well-being before any line of work or other material pursuits.

  17. You have always been an inspiration. You never let me down. You helped me in so many ways. I’m proud of you. Thank you for being you! 💕

  18. It’s weird how we compare ourselves to others! 😘 don’t ever doubt yourself! I used to watch your videos when I was maybe 14 – 16 years old and I envied you so much 😂 I thought you were so educated, fashionable, put together, and “happy”. (All the things you’ve just compared yourself to others) 😂You were a very honest and positive role model. Thank you 😊 x

  19. It's been 4 or 5 years since I watched you. You were doing atheist videos back then. But I never forgot about you.
    Best of luck to you babe! You do you and (try to) be happy.
    Sincerely,
    Just another GoGreen18 subscriber.

  20. YouTube can be awesome, it's your fault if you don't like it then do something else. Stop complaining about things you can change

  21. I used to have crippling depression also. Then I became a Catholic Christian and rejected the disordered philosophies of modernism. I now understand the nature of humanity on a fundamental level. The nature of of men and women and their complementary roles. All of that pain and confusion has become foreign to me.

    If any Christians out there are still experiencing this modern phenomenon of depression, it's because you are still holding onto heretical modernist beliefs which are like a fog which is blurring their communion with God.

    God love you Laci. May you yet receive his grace. Amen.

  22. Glad to see you’re still kickin. 🙂
    I think some people just feel things more than other people. I might be one of them. I think maybe you might be, too. It’s both a curse and an incredible trait, because MAN does this world need some empathy.

    I just subscribed to your podcast – can’t wait to check it out.

    Rock on, sis.

  23. Laci! You are fantastic and I cannot wait to check out your podcast (once I figure out how that works).
    Keep your radical self-care on, gurl!

  24. I've missed your face and that voice you have, the one that is educational and entertaining, serious yet damn right fun, thoughtful and down and dirty. There's a beautiful dichotomy to your videos, and yet you metered your focus to go too far in any one direction. It's hard to talk about kinks and porn without going overtly pornographic. And yet you also are so skilled at being gentle and supportive, especially when talking about sexual assault and communication between partners. [Something I really feel the need to include here is that you express such kindness and empathy to sexual assault survivors, that you are practically the ideal type of person everyone needs as a friend after they were raped or in need of an abortion. After it happened to me, watching your videos, I imagined you sitting next to me as my friend and walking me through it. If I hadn't come across your page, I might not have had the tools that have gotten me where I am today, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you!!! ❤❤❤] You really are a masterful writer and personality that I truly believe has changed the conversation around sex for so much the better. Your impact will continue in perpetuity, and while the loss of you no longer creating YouTube videos is deeply felt, the work you created and the manner with which you shared it will live on and continue to affect the culture (and I'm staying subscribed jic you decide you want to come back). Depression is cruel and unrelenting at times, but the only way out of it is through it. I hope you're getting help and getting through it however works best for you. Take care and be kind to yourself, and I can't wait to start listening to your next venture!

  25. Yeau, and can relate, sadness is my landing pad, and much more has happend since … much love lacy come hawaii.. for fun and health 😉

  26. Uploads "My Pregnancy Scare" and drops off the face of the earth for 11 months

    "Hey guys I'm back from depression and travelling"

  27. So you got better, lol?

    And I'm fairly sure the deliriously happy ones are not real people. They're robots on autopilot. When the camera is turned off they are too.

  28. Honestly, your videos were suggested to me a lot years ago for whatever weird youtube algorithm reason. Our views differ, and I can't say I liked your content much back then, but honestly, seeing one or two of your more recent videos, I must say that while I probably still won't agree, I respect you a lot more now. I'm glad to see you've matured a lot, and I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Keep your chin up. I hope the best for you, wherever you may end up.

  29. Too much Social Media, Video Games, Porn, all types Screen Time, and also Masturbation…. these are the new vices in today's society. Too much "dessert" may cause laziness, lack of motivation, apathy, and depression. Find the right balance for you. "Dessert" is better once in a while rather than every day or even every week. So often people don't see the cause of their mental struggles because these causes are enjoyable. It's a little confusing. Moderation and sometimes abstinence for a period can be a game changer.

  30. this showed up in my recommended and Im not even subscribed to you. your channel is fine. and you are also fine.

  31. I'm sorry for your pain. I can relate to the pain. If you do decide to talk sex. Could you talk about truly feeling committed a partner finally? Could you talk about improve sexual health? How to find somebody on a date app?

    Could you talk about your personal experience going to Japan and what keeps you motivated your life?

  32. LACIIIIII holy moly!! I learned about sex from you when I was a teenager. You saved me from having a bad first sexual experience when I was in college because I actually knew what was going on 💚 I also started to get into anthropology because of the way you talked about social norms related to sex and now I work in Human Rights. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been suffering from depression, I have too and completely understand and love and hug you from afar 💗 You are a beautiful and powerful individual and you impacted me when I was 15 (and that was quite a while ago now 😂) and I’ve never forgotten your genuine presence, I felt like you were one of my teachers. I can’t wait to listen to your podcast! Best of luck and all my love 💞💚💗

  33. Don't normally make comments online for exactly the reasons you allude to, but just wanted to say how helpful and powerful I've found your videos. They had a big influence on me as I was growing up and having sex and serious relationships for the first time. You've always come across as relatable and non-judgemental. I think you'd make a fantastic therapist or educator. Sorry to hear you've been going through your own struggles, but sounds like you're making really positive choices for you – which I really admire and respect (I'm just about to start training as a psychotherapist and have had depression myself). I wish you the very best of luck on your new project. Most of all, I just wanted to say thank you. Keep your head up Laci 🙂

  34. Feminist misandry is a biological predisposition that can only be minimized but never cured. Mixed orientation relationships are not hetero-sexual relationships. Nonheterosexual speak for nonheterosexual and never speak for hetero-sexual people

  35. I once told a friend "nobody gets me"… thankfully my friend asked me… why do you require being Got?.. and since I quit demanding people cater to my needs I'm quite productive

  36. You did a lot of good, informative videos. I hope your podcast does well and that you deal with your depression as well.
    Keep in mind that you only see the outside of everyone on Youtube . You see everyone else's final draft and all your imperfect tries.

  37. Aww, I'm so sad!!! 😭😭😭 I'm glad you're back! It's been a year!!! I miss you so much!!! I've been posting more YouTube videos. I recently turned 25 last Saturday. 2018 was a horrible year for me because my uncle and cousin passed on my birthday week. I wanted to end my life. The reason i'm depressed & suicidal is because I was bullied, harassed online, heartbroken by family loss, rejected from the prom, body issues, etc. I'm a human being with feelings. There's always hope. I've getting help since last September. You have a voice. Social media should be a tool to use your voice. Don't let anyone bring you down because you matter in this dark world we live in. Social media should improve your life. Not destroy your life. Social media should be used for better things like creativity and connection. Please post more Laci, us fans miss you so much. I understand your pain. We as fans dealt with pain. We need more positive people like you in our lives. You're worth everything! Please don't give up. The problem with my generation (Millennials) is that we give up way too much. Anyone who read this don't give up. Please take care of yourselves! I'm sending you a million hugs!!! 😭💚💚💚💚🙏🤗

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