Hello, and welcome to the Castle Mall in Norwich Ah-ha! I’ve always wanted to do that. [Stuart] Finally an excuse
[Barry] I’ve come all the way to Norwich Four and a half hours in a car Nine hour round trip But, I’m so glad to be here. I should hope so. ‘as local innit? Yes, today is the super exciting Adrenalin- fueled There is a very expensive car behind us Well, basically, Eli is going to bring the car we will be racing around The ground floor of the Castle Mall here And I’ve gotta say he’s done- he’s outdone himself completely There’s a certain budget for Barshens and that is- Oy, Oy! Here she is! Look at this beauty! She’s great on corners Alright Follow me! Suck on my lozenge, namespeed(?) I thought we were- Four and a half hours Stuart Okay, so, this is the vehicle we are going to be using for the challenge Uh, “Crazy Lucinda” Speed control, very very important, speed control It’s a dial. Right down there, a minimum. Which is, ya know, “Are you going all the way, Granddad?” to top speed which is, “Granddad is going all the way.” [Eli] There’s your marble, that’s your marble You are responsible for your marble whilst racing If that marble falls out You must immediately stop Lucinda Retrieve the marble And put the marble back in the bowl One thing to mention is: There are two points in the course where there are cash machines You must, at one point during your run, Stop at one of the cash machines And, uh, retrieve a balance statement [Barry] Sounds good
[Stuart] Okay Is that to sort of take the place or refueling? Yes, that’s right, that’s sort of a metaphor for the refueling pit stop If you’d like to follow me, we’re just going to um- Walk through the course [Eli] So there you go, you’ve got your marble at the back there [Stuart] Okay, yep [Eli] So always keep an eye on her Is my marble okay? [Stuart] Your marble on the skateboard is fine [Eli] Entering the second part of the course now which is the chicane Soon as you see the canvas printing, that’s how you know the chicane has started And this is gonna be murder for holding your marble Here’s the third and final obstacle. This is the ramp. “The Strait of Death” as I like to call it This is gonna also be a dodgy bit for the marble [Stuart] Oh, look at that [Eli] Because if you go to fast, [Stuart] It’s gone! [Eli] Oh, bollocks! [Eli] Get the frickin’ marble! Ya, see, if I’d really been racing there I would’ve had to retrieve that I wouldn’t’ve known, in fact, I would’ve forfeited so you can see how- [Barry] You’ve lost your marbles [Eli] And the finish is next to the limousine there [Barry] And what are we actually playing for? [Stuart] Well, I have actually got us a bit of a prize here And not wanting to toot my own trumpet too much It’s a Toblerone It’s a proper Toblerone not one of these little ones, like a proper, lengthy Toblerone [Barry] This is the “Toblerone Cup?” [Stuart] It is- well, it’s not a cup, it’s litterally just a Toblerone [Barry] [Laughs] Just a Toblerone [Eli] Best time wins, Barry [Barry] Okay
[Eli] On 3 [Barry] I’m locked in
[Eli] Remember your marble [Barry] I’m in the zone
[Eli] And the pit stop 3 2 1 Go! [Barry] Yeah! Alright, full speed here [Barry] Flat out Here we go Here we go [Barry] Oh no!
[Eli] You’ve lost your marble! [Barry] I’ve lost my marble! [Barry] How did that happen? [Barry] Got over-excited [Eli] That’s the wrong way! Is it? Wrong way? [Eli] Not a penalty, he just lost a lot of time and he’s lost the marble once as well [Eli] Not good [Barry] C’mon [Barry] Taking it slow [Barry] Oh, the skateboard is coming past me Can’t even see him [Barry] Oh, I’ve lost my marble again! [Eli] I’m quite concerned, there could’ve been an accident, and he could be lying there Next to the Subway or something C’mon! C’mon Barry No, don’t- No! [Eli] Here he comes, he’s coming down the strait This is feeling like a strong time [Eli] C’mon, put some welly in! [Eli] When your back wheel crosses I’m gonna press the button Your time is official It’s four minutes, eleven seconds, point three five [Barry] I’m quite happy with that
[Eli] That’s the time to beat [Barry] What do you think? Four minutes eleven?
[Eli] Stuart, can you do that? I hope so [Barry] Time will tell
[Stuart] I hope so Oh, hell yeah 3 2 1 Go! Go! [Stuart] Right, I’m gonna try to get a bit of speed up now [Stuart] Don’t wanna go too quick. Makes the ol’ marble fall off [Stuart] Ease off a little bit, ease off a little bit Oh no! [Eli] He’s lost his marble, I mean… [Eli] I dunno, he can still save it. He just lost his marble before the chicane [Stuart grunts] [Stuart] Oh god, I really fell and rolled there [Stuart] Chicane-ary [Eli] Technique very easy on the chicane, like, grandpa speed [Stuart] Don’t wanna go to fast, don’t wanna lose that ol’ marble [Stuart] Oh, here we go [Stuart] Oh, hit the lump [Stuart] But, oh, we’re good, we’re good [Stuart] Right [Stuart] This is where we have to be extremely careful Oh, yep, we’re through [Stuart] Right, I can give it a speed up now [Stuart] But then I’ve got to stop at the cash machine. No! [Stuart] Oh, I hope I can remember my pin number [Eli] He’ll be doing the checkpoint Pit stop, rather, sorry, I don- I’m not a big F1 fan myself, ya know? I don- it’s really boring [Stuart whistles] [Stuart continues to whistle] [Stuart] Go! Go! [Stuart] I’ve got it in my pocket. Alright. [Stuart] Ayy [Stuart] And now, I am just going to hammer it [Stuart] Well, as close to hammering as this thing gets [Barry] Oh, no, no, no!
[Eli] Close, we’re three and a half seconds. [Stuart] Oh yeah [Eli] He’s cruising, he’s cruising
[Izzie] He’s got it, jack in the time [Stuart] When the marble passes [Eli] When the marble passes the line three minutes, fourty-nine seconds You are in first place, Stuart. Well done. OK [Barry] Are we able to check the time stamp on the statement and make sure we just didn’t get- [Eli] You can look at that, if you want to do that, if you want to be bitter grapes
[Stuart] Every time So, now I’m gonna need to hand over responsibility for the timer to one of you I’ll do it, I’ve got nothing to do so- I can get a Toblerone on the way It’s only a quid anyway Okay, and uh- it’s ready for the coup de “gracie” [Barry] How are you feeling? You alright? [Eli] I’m feeling victorious [Barry] We are all ready. This is nerve-wracking. You have three minutes forty-nine seconds to beat [Eli] Okay [Barry] Your marble’s in place [Eli] My marble’s in place 3 2 1 Go Why is it not going? [Barry] It’s not going! [Laughs] [Eli] This is as fixed Come on Lucinda don’t be crazy for me Be… be good for me I can’t believe this! There it goes! Right, we have to start again, we have to start again Not sure what happened there, might have been a little bit of tampering on Stuart’s behalf there It seems like espionage of the worst kind There’s a lot on the line here, we’re playing for a Toblerone The Toblerone is mine, it’s practically mine. I can taste it I can taste the nougat pieces Go [Barry] Look at that start
[Eli] Right, I need to open it up now I’m going full speed down this strait I’m checking my marble, my marble’s still good [Eli] I’m gonna go full speed [Eli] Okay, really, really getting some speed up down this strait [Barry] I think Eli is taking this pretty serious, I think this is gonna be quite an interesting finish He knows how to control his ball I need to time the slow-down here So I don’t lose the marble in the chicane ‘cuz i know I did that in one of the dry runs [Eli] Bit more slow here [Eli] And around [Eli] There’s the Floradix Still got my marble. Right, I’m gonna open the bitch up now [Eli] My marble’s in jeopardy [Eli] It’s gone Where’d it go? [Eli] Where’d it go!? So we can’t actually see what he’s doing but, uh, it sounds pretty good so far [Eli] Ugh, this is a disaster! My marble’s completely disappeared! It’s very exciting [Eli] Right, there it is. There it is, I’ve got it Shit! I lost so much time there. Got the marble back though [Eli] Don’t panic [Eli] It’s gone again, it’s gone again! Oh! Oh no You’ll get second place here! [Izzie] I think Stuart might have got it
[Barry] Yeah? Slow down, the pit stop’s coming THIS IS A DISASTER AN ABSOLUTE DISASTER! [Eli] Frickin’ thing He might even come last, this is great Process, you- COME ON! [Eli] Frickin’ stay there [Eli] I’ve got a feeling I’m already behind [Izzie] I think he’s gotta go all out on this What’s the time Barry? You have ten seconds to beat my time Shit! [Eli] Just stop it! Stop it! Can we just have Stuart come in and uh… [Barry] Oh! Got over-excited there [Stuart] Sorry I was operating the camera
[Eli] So here it is Can you validate this bank statement for me? That is indeed a statement from a bank taken just now Was it captured at 1A.M.? Alright, come on, hit me. What’s my time? Four minutes, seventeen seconds So I believe, gentlemen, that makes me the winner [Eli] Well done
[Barry] It does Best man won. Very good on the cautious. I lost the marble, mate, my marble was flying all over the shop. I had an absolute nightmare on the ramp [Barry] All I could hear were these shouts and screams
[Eli] I couldn’t locate it, I couldn’t locate it The real winner here is Toblerone, really It is, I’m going to go get the Toblerone Fantastic, the official presentation will now take place for the first, and probably last ever, Toblerone Cup I don’t know I want a chance for revenge, honestly We’ll work on that You know what put me off was the thing running out. Anyway, well done [Eli] I’m not going to be a bad loser about this
[Barry] Do I knight you? Like Sir Toblerone? Fantastic If Toblerone would like to sponsor the show do get in touch. We do love some Toblerone I would like to point out this was a pound I bought it myself so I just don’t have to give it to either of you now But you know what? Out of sheer love for you both I will let you have some of it You can have the box, and you can have the silver foil Oh, thanks. I’ll chew on that [Stuart] It’s lovely when it gets in your fillings
[Eli] Yeah I love that Ah, it’s the electricity of God [Eli] I can’t believe I lost so horrendously as well, [Bleep] A [Eli] Also the whole thing doesn’t work when you made us start, like, that’s you, mate [Eli] You’ve done some kind of… little thing [Eli] It wouldn’t start, and then I was totally unready, and I’m choking, you know what I mean? [Eli] [Bleep] nightmare these were literally the worst [Izzie] Is it recording? [Eli] Oh should I stop it?