Jim Breuer Talks About How Wild It Is to Tour with Metallica

– But I was on the side and
looking at these hooligans and it was in the middle
of one of their sets and, what’s his name, Ian? – Ivan. – Ivan, and he goes “I see
a little kid over there” and there’s a kid in the hot
tub. And he goes “bring that child to
me”. And they lift this child up, and the child crowd surfs to the
front. Can’t be more that five, six
years old. Little Latino, innocent child, eyes big, bright like
a fucking Disney show. And she’s looking around, and
he goes “what’s your name?” and she goes, I don’t know… Whatever her name is. And he goes “do you ever curse?” and she’s like (gibberish). And he goes, “well today
you’re gonna curse”. And I remember he goes to the
little kid, “are you ready to say this?” ♪ burn mother fucker, ♪ ♪ burn mother fucker ♪ ♪ burn mother fucker ♪ And she looks out to a sea
of white human beings going ♪ burn mother fucker ♪ ♪ burn mother fucker ♪ ♪ burn ♪ And the kid was horrified
and that’s when I realized, what did we get ourselves into? – Yeah. This is Fu Manchu Hatfield, I fucking love Fu Manchu James
Hetfield. It’s The Bonfire Comedy
Central radio series XM95. I’m Dan Soder, that’s Big Jay Oakerson, and his new special available
April fifth wherever you stream
albums, live from Portland, Jim Breuer on the show. Just having a fucking time. – Thank you though. – Drinking coffee. – Crown and king nothing. – Playing Metallica. Fu Manchu Hetfield, it’s just
fucking– Fu Manchu, you don’t have a
problem when they cut the hair? I was thrown at first a little
bit. – [Jim] I was too. – But then I was fine with it. – I just remember Alice in
Chains on their unplugged the bassist had on his guitar, friends don’t let friends give
haircuts ’cause Metallica was in the
audience. – Well they made you
deal with a lot at once. They cut their hair,
and they started making three and a half, four minute
rock songs. – Yes. – And that was a lot. You were like oh, you
start getting worried, you’re like, is this
about to become Bon Jovi? Where they went from like the,
I thought they were so cool, to like music for my mom. – Yeah. – And I was worried
that Metallica was gonna pull this in some way. Guns N’ Roses got out
of the game quick enough they didn’t have time to get old and change their music really
together. you were like oh shit
it’s gonna be the change, but they hung in there
man and the music’s solid. – Every album they put out
you’re like fuck they still got it,
it’s great, every time. I remember getting Death
Magnetic early, and like super excited, that’s
the last time it was a CD. ’cause everything after
that was like download but I remember getting, Vic
Garcia and my old roommate got me Death Magnetic from a
guy he knew at Warner Brothers. And I remember listening
to it and being like this is fucking awesome, I loved
it. Gave it to De Rosa. – They’re still cool man,
they’re still fucking cool. – I love the new album more
than… To me it’s the greatest
rock album in 30 years. Not Metallica, greatest
rock album in 30 years. – You went on the road with
them. – Yeah. – You just got off the road with
them. – Just got off the road with
them. – Fucking awesome, what I
love even more than anything is you also do a Lars. Those are one of those
impressions where I’m like, how do I get him to do Lars? – It’s easy, he was the one that
helped me through this. First of all, the whole
thing happened where I got a text from Hetfield last March. And James is always, when they
ask me to do things he’s very vague. So he’s in Europe touring and he
went, “hey would you be interested in
doing “some type of tour with us?” and I was like, oh my god. – Yeah, what? – And I immediately, I
probably geeked out Luta and I’m like dude, I’ll fucking
kill, I’ll do whatever. – I’ll murder for you I love
you. – And he went, don’t get excited
it’s not really standup it’s
more of something else. – Alright. – And I haven’t talked
to the rest of the band. Okay. Two weeks later he sends me
ideas, and the ideas are blasting
t-shirts into the crowd. – I’m not off-board yet. I’m still having this
conversation with Hetfield. – You’re happy with a t-shirt
gun? – If Hetfield brings
up t-shirt guns with me I’m going, continue. – Right, maybe there’s a
hardwired Harry that roams the crowd
or in the parking lot. And I’m going– – You’re a mascot now. – He goes it’s a fur
suit, here’s the thing, very breathable when you’re on
the inside. – Before you get excited,
you’re wearing a burlap head. – We’re about to unveil the
magadon Metallica mascot, you’re gonna be inside. – Yeah you’re that golf
cart guy that drives while everyone hits the ball at
you. So he’s throwing these
ideas, so I throw him ideas and I don’t hear from him. I go, oh well this ain’t
happening. And May comes, now it’s
May and I’m at a gig and I get a call from his
manager, “hey man this is Mark, are
you round this Sunday?” I go “yeah” “matter of fact I’m alone in New
Jersey” and went “I’ll come to your
house”. And I went, “you’re
gonna come to my house?” – I always imagined
Metallica helicopters in anyone that they work with. – It was sorta like that. – What’s funny, even through
telling this, is him reaching out to you
and saying don’t get excited. There’s so many comedians
and people in the world who view you on that level, to say Jim Breuer just fucking
texted me. And then you have a thing
where you’ve texted a guy, you’re like I reached out and he
goes, ah James’s probably busy he just
probably didn’t want to get back to me or
whatever. You’re put in such a
weird flipped up position. – Yeah, it’s like Judah
you just feel all your momentum against you. Where you’re like, oh
fuck what, yeah dude, I’ll talk to you. What you want to talk to me? I’ll call you right now, I love
you. – There’s 20 people you walked
by there and we’re like oh my god wish
that guy would talk to me for five
seconds. You’re going, I’m sorry
can’t talk right now, I have to keep my line
clear James might call me. – Before the show, I
tensed up like a fucking Prairie Dog in a Hawk
screech when I heard Jim laughing with Lou down the hall. And I was like, that’s fucking
Jim Breuer. I’ve never met him I was like,
“I’m Dan”. It’s just like one of those
things where it’s like– – I almost had to slap you. – Yeah. Jay’s looking at me like
fucking pull it together dude. I’m like, okay. – And so this guy Mark
comes into my house. And I got all my ideas lined up. – Do you have an easel? – Oh yeah, I got video ideas– I got easels
– He’s got PowerPoint. I got everything, I got a whole
notepad. So if he doesn’t like this idea, I got five other ones that are
gonna work. And he literally was like “hey Jim how you doing, yeah I’m
in town” and I was just thrown off
that he was at my house in the middle of nowhere, New
Jersey. I know he lives in San Fran,
like what is he doing here? So he goes in my kitchen and he opens up his laptop computer. And he’s like okay so we start in September in Madison,
Wisconsin… And then we go all the way to
March. And it’s basically like seven
days, and I know you do a residency
and there’s only one date at The Paramount
that you’d have to change. I don’t know if you
talked with your wife Dee but are you into this? – That’s so funny. – And I went “well yeah”. And he went “great” and
shuts it and he goes “we’re announcing this tomorrow
in Stern and Rolling Stone “and we have your name in it, “we’ll worry about
developing what the show is “and I’ll talk to your agent and
we’ll “figure out finances and all
that “as long as you’re into it.” And I went okay. And before I can even think, the next day was like bang, Jim Breuer going on tour with
Metallica. – That’s the way they talk
about shadow government. They come in and they go Mr. Breuer you are now the
president of Venezuela. We will announce it tomorrow. On the news they’re
like, a brutal takeover’s happened in Venezuela Jim
Breuer is now the president. And you’re like, that guy
was in my fucking kitchen, he knew my wife’s name,
he fucking helicoptered in I don’t know what the fuck is
happening. – He knew about your
gigs at The Paramount. – He knows that I threw away the
band, I don’t know if they
hired him to fuck with me I don’t know what’s going on. – What about my thing at The
Paramount? He goes, it’s been handled. Mr. Breuer there in no more
Paramount and you are also the
leader of 330,000 people. Have a good night. That’s some fucking crazy shit. – Have a good night. – And I wracked my brain
trying to figure it out. – What is the first day of
showing up for Metallica school like? You know what I mean? You have your nicest shirt on
and you’re like hello Lars,
hello James, hello Kirk. – I’ll tell you exactly how it
went down. Here’s the thing I show up, no first of all before it even
went down they fly me to Switzerland– – They are Metalocalypse. – To see what the stage looks
like. – Something any comic
could have handled with a simple cell phone picture. Somebody else tells you come somewhere stupid for soundcheck, like, I’ll just trust you guys have a microphone that works. Anyone can figure this part out. – Worse case scenario I’ll ask you to bump the mic volume. – You want to see if your shirts blend in with the backdrop too
much. – Mr. Breuer we are going to
bring you to the Metallica facility in the
Swiss Alps, it’s where they all train. There’s Lars in a pool just
drumming with a Wolverine mask. – He’s got nodes all over
him just taking mechanics. – James is being flushed out
with fresh sheep’s blood. – To heal, whatever he
basses, he destroys. – Dude there’s different
rooms like Xavier Manor. Trujillo is hitting 13
hundred pounds of pressure on each string, whatever
he strums, he destroys. – So they take you to fucking
Switzerland, just to show you the stage. – And I meet all the
production and I don’t know what I’m doing, what am I doing
here? – That’s every comic at any gig
that isn’t in a fucking mall. We’re like, what am I? Did you guys mis-hire me? Why am I here? – I’m gonna parallel this to
you, when I joined the first
show I did with Korn at all was in a small place in North
Carolina called The Ballroom Blitz tours, so it was like thousand seat
places, some were a couple of thousand
but for the most part it was small. This was a small one, it was the second day on tour, I joined the second day. When I get there, the opening
band is on who as you know ended up opening
my Comedy Central Special,
become dear friends, 2Cents. – [Dan] 2Cents yeah. – They were on stage,
Adam the lead singer is a great front man and he’s
bleeding, actively on stage. And I didn’t know their music
before, and they’re going for it. I’m so intimidated and they go, you just go up in between them
and it’s just for comedy,
while they set up for Korn. And I go, I don’t think
that’s going to work. At that moment if they would
have said, you want to go home to your mom, I would have went yeah I do. That particular show, my buddy
John whose in the military was stationed out there, he just happened to be able to
go with. And something about just
having a friend there also, was like I’m gonna go
give it a whirl dude. Almost like I’ll play to you
if no-ones paying attention we’ll laugh at how much this
just sucks. But I was nervous as shit,
but you do, you walk in and everyone even members of
Korn, I’d be like I’m Jay I’m
the comic (mumbles) goes, we have a comic? – [Dan] Oh dear. – [Jim] Yes. – So you show up in Switzerland, and is this basically where the
whole tour is learning how to build
and take down the stage? – No, they’re in the middle of
the tour this is one of their last shows. – So they’re gonna come off
this, rest for a little bit
and go back on with you? – Right. – Living fucking on the road. – Yes. – They take breaks though right? They go out for a stretch and
then– – Yes, but this is the end of
their tour and there’s only two days left. So I fly out there. The day of, at the hotel at nine in the
morning they pick me up at two,
bring me to the arena, they show me the stage. And I’m like okay. – Did you go, can I get a
carpet out here I like to. – You feel like you have
to change something, I like if there can be candles
here. – You go, can I test my mic? Like you’re adding, you go like
this, you guys ever thought that that
light would probably be better over
there? Just at least for my set. – I did say, it’d be nice
if there were screens that people could see me. – Yes, smart. – I said that’s all I need is
screens. – Game changer. – And this is just a real quick
sidebar, what I’ve notice from the
ShipRocked story and the Metallica thing
is you’re like a MacGyver with performance where you
know how to just quick fix it or you go drop it we’re just
gonna improv. And they’re like fixed it. – ’cause you’re going
into these situations, they’d know a comic’s
coming on these things but when I first got there,
that was the question that threw me for a major loop
they go, you wanna give me your
microphone? He’s like I’ll set it up
for you before the show. I went, you want me to what? They go, your microphone. You’re a comedian right,
you’re basically like musicians like guitarists travel with
their guitar. I go this question’s never
come up in 18 years of comedy and no-ones ever asked me
if I had my microphone. – Please start Googling custom
microphones ’cause I want to start a
show up to half sold heliums and going like this, can you
plug me in? – What’s up Huntsville, Alabama. It’s a golden fist. – I go, there’s Delilah. Oh god, dating is weird. Yeah that’s good, that’s
gonna really rip in this room. I’m gonna take this
with me in my hotel room I’m gonna nap with it. I’m totally down with that. – I trust that I can
leave this here overnight. – Do you guys have a lock box or something I can put my
fucking… Like you’re B.B. king. I need to put this somewhere. – But that’s the thing right? They want you to have some sort
of answers for what you need. – Yeah, I said just a
screen would be great. And then I watched the show, and I’m like what do ya… – Alright well we’ll see
you back in the states. Now before I leave someone goes “hey man Lars is in the food
room “and he wants to talk to
you, he’s got 15 minutes” okay, so I go in there and he’s
eating he’s like, “so basically why we
hired you “is because you able to read
crowd “and this is your fucking
thing just do what you want”. – What’s my thing. – Like, is that it? This is why I came to
Switzerland. – Just so I could have a
conversation while you eat fucking craft
services. – Raclette, weird Swiss food. – He’s like, “if you’ve got
ideas just run them by me”. And then I still was really
uneasy, I didn’t know, and people were like, dude
you’re opening. I’m like I’m not opening I’m host MC of their opening whatever it’s called, The Lighting Up Tour, I’m not
opening. I’m not doing a, it’s Jim Breuer
and his 45 minute comedy set. So now it’s a month before the
show goes and I’m stressing out. – Yeah, fuck yeah. You’ve got a big thing coming. – Dude, I fucking reached out to
Jay, I’m calling Bill Burr. I’m like you want to
come join me on stage? I’m not the only one going down, you’re all going down with me. – Yeah, Bill Burr’s going what
the fuck? You don’t fucking call a
guy and fucking offer him a fucking beginning spot,
do the fucking opening. – Can you pull up my
calender by any chance on the screen to show,
after Jim had texted me I have Metallica date listed in every single, on my calender. – He’s waiting for James
Hetfield, I’m waiting for him to call me
up. – Dude, you got the uniform
before you got hired at the job. – You’re just wearing the shirt and you’re like here we go. – Papa Jones is gonna
call, I don’t like green. – I fucking love it. – So I call Jay, I’m like
hey man you available to, I don’t know what I’m doing. And then all of a sudden I flew
out, pretended I had a gig in San
Francisco knowing Lars was there
for a couple of days. – I talked to James,
I’m friends with James. But James is always kind of
vague. He’s like, I don’t know, just kinda, you know do your
thing. I’m like alright, this is not
helping me. – A lot of people keep
telling you just do your thing and you’re like I’m trying
to find what my thing is. – Right. – That’s great, they’re speaking
in rock start vague-isms. – It’s a theater in
around, so I sat with Lars. I find Lars, I go to his house. He’s like “why are you here?” – Don’t you ever come to my
home. – I said I have a gig out here. And I went you know what, I
really don’t, I want to wrap my head
around what you see. He’s laying down in a chair,
his legs are dangling over. And he goes like this, and we could see the entire San Francisco Bay it’s like a
movie. – [Dan] Yeah, he’s in Tiburon. – Yes, well not anymore. – That’s my shithead cousin’s
knowledge, Lars Ulrich lives in Tiburon. – That house doesn’t exist
anymore. Been to that house,
had a great time there. – [Dan] Can’t wait to tell. – Got good stories there. He goes, “here’s the
deal, first of all you’re “writing bits and creating
things that are for “like 15,000 people,
trust me when I say you’re “lucky maybe 800 maybe
1000 people be in the “arena when you’re up there. “So you gotta think
nobodies gonna be in there, “that’s number one. “number two, you gotta remember “tell them why you fucking
here because you know “the band, you know me, you know
James, “you know stories, tell them
stories. “The times work towards but the
most “important thing is, you
don’t have to be funny.” – That’s like one of those
things where you go what? That’s my thing. – Especially ’cause you go, that’s what I thought my thing
was, that’s the one thing I
thought my thing was. – Do you start doubting your own
name, you go, I’m Jim Breuer I’m a
comic. – Do your thing man go out
there and don’t be funny. – He goes “okay?” and I went “okay, I
don’t have to be funny.” He’s like, “yeah just tell
stories. “I trust you, I’ve seen you go
into a room “and you can work the room,
you know the situation “and you just fucking go with
it, “it’s fucking brilliant, “you can do that in front of our
crowd. “we get bands, nobody goes to
see them “it’s a bomb for the bands, a
bomb for us. “So why not give the
crowd a fan experience? “That’s what we’re looking for.” And I went, okay, alright. And I planned this whole fucking
thing for Madison, Wisconsin. And it was on, and I got
a DJ, a comedian that I can banter with and he’s gonna
play songs. And even that guy came to my
house and he’s like a punk rocker, he doesn’t know rock and metal and he goes here’s the songs I
got. And every song’s like (screaming gutturally) I went listen listen, everyone
in that audience is Jim Breuer. They are married, there are
kids, they grew up with Metallica in
86. Maybe some of them loved ♪ Give me fuel ♪ ♪ Give me fire ♪ ♪ Give me ♪ and that’s where they started,
but still those people are not into (screaming gutturally) none of them are into that. Play old Van Halen, David
Lee Roth, not fucking. Van Halen, Scorpions, play
fucking maybe a little bit of
Pantera, maybe one or two, not a lot of them. – Don’t get too crazy. – Don’t get crazy, play what you
hear now on Ozzy’s Boneyard and
that crowd will be happy, and I got stories so
I’ll tell a story and go, you know one time when I met
Ozzy, and then boom you play ♪ I’m going of the rail ♪ Play, hey this happened, my
girlfriend. So we’re set boom, boom, boom and the first show I walked out 6:00, I learned everything after the
first show. – 6:00 pm. – Okay, I’ve got Madison
Wisconsin, I’ve got the star player from their college
football team. – Yeah, University of
Wisconsin go Badgers. – Yes. So I got the Badgers runner
back, the Badgers quarterback I’m gonna run up on
top, give tickets away. Every fifteen minutes I
have something scheduled. – You’re dusting em. – Well, first 15 minutes
I go up, hey how ya doing? There’s maybe like 5000
people in the arena, it’s 6:00 it’s really early. – I bet at 6:00 you really
feel like hardwired Harry. – Yes. – It’s just too bright to
(mumbles) – Now I gotta run to
the top and I don’t have a security guard and I don’t
know how to get to the top. And the lights, they can’t find
me they guys on stage are
like, Jim where are you? It’s a fucking disaster. – It’s an around. – They are insistent that
Metallica goes up at 8:30 and Metallica, Lars is
insistent I stay on stage until Metallica comes out. Because Metallica is big Jim
Breuer fan and they want all Metallica fans
to start following Jim Breuer. So that’s the part where
I’m like wow thank you. – Jim do you want to do
a quick two hours and 30 minutes set? – 8:20 I go backstage, I go are they still going up at 8:30? Hundred percent. Great. 8:25 I go on stage I get
the okay, this section I think you’re better that this
section. You guys do The Hokey Pokey, you jump up and down, you’re louder than them, you say bla bla bla. And they’re fucking (crowd cheering) and the guy goes they’re
not around here, stretch. And I looked and went oh fuck,
okay. I did ten more minutes. And now the crowd’s
getting a little tired. I’m about to get off and
again, they’re not ready. I’m like, what the fuck it’s
8:40, 8:45. And now I’m getting the bottom
teeth. – It’s turning hard now. – Bottom teeth are going and
I’m getting a lot of this fuck you, get the fuck off this
stage. – Three hours of anybody though. – Correct. I had the t-shirt cannons,
they’re not working so I’d run out and I’m like are
you ready? And it would go (clicks) – Just dribbles out. – and they’d all start booing. And it’s not five people, it’s
sections, boo. – Just 114 now, boo. – Turn it. – So at one point, the funniest
part was I had the DJ on stage
and he’s wearing glasses and he can’t see what the fuck
he’s doing, he calls me over, on stage, people booing telling me to
get the fuck off the stage. And Metallica’s management’s
there, everybody’s there watching. – For some reason Cliff
Burton’s family’s all there. – Everyone’s there. – and they’re super
disappointed at everything. Cliff’s spirit is watching. – It’s like OB1. – Disaster. – He’s out by Hanoi Rocks. – ♪ He’s up on top ♪ it’s a disaster, and all of a sudden they say they’re ready, it’s
8:55. – Yeah but that fucking 25
minutes. – They go up I go backstage and I go oh my
god. But my attitude is always like,
okay tomorrow night we’re gonna kick
their ass. – Me and you were the same,
I know where me and you are. – I’m taking a detective
shower in the fucking public shower with it just running down with my hand against
the wall, like oh fuck. – Not me, I’m taking
the old tags off my bag to get ready to put the
ones to go home with. It was a failed experiment, look we did everything we could. We tried that one night,
it didn’t work out. I’m gonna get out of here. – I’ll never listen to
you again, I’m sorry. – They guy I was with onstage
went, “dude we gotta get the
fuck off the stage”. Swear to god Josip, get
the fuck off the stage. We go offstage he’s like, dude we can’t fucking do this, I’m packing my bags, I’m fucking out. I went, hold on a second, let’s
re-group we know what works, the
next night it was like okay I’m not going up till 7:30, you go out at seven start playing songs. Fuck me going up in the crowd, you’re going up in the crowd, I’m gonna go up, talk as long as
I can I’m gonna fuck with the
audience, talk as much, when I’m done with
that you are gonna give ticket
giveaways. You’re gonna go up on
top, you go way up there. After that we’re gonna play
a trivia game with the crowd. After that we’re gonna do a game
show, I’m gonna bring a couple
of knuckleheads up and hopefully they get
booed the fuck off the stage and it’ll be the most
entertaining thing in the world for the crowd. By night two and three I
found rhythm like (claps) – When it comes every day it’s
just like, It’s time to do my thing real
quick, then I’m gonna get to sit and
watch Metallica all night. – I’m not kidding you, by the
second leg, and there was a part of me and I think only you
can understand this Jay I don’t know, maybe you too Dan. – No that’s fine I get it. – No, maybe you too. – I’m green in this pasture. – I love Metallica. Let’s say I wasn’t opening for
them, I’d be in the crowd
banging my head so hard that it would hurt the next
day when I’m home alone. I’ll never forget, this
was a game changer for me, I’m done with my set and
I’m not getting booed I’m not getting the go
fuck yourself, go home, die, get cancer, I’m not
getting those Tweets anymore. From night two on it was
like, oh I do, I get it. – [Jay] It’s fun. – So now there’s this Korean guy
and he’s acting out every song. I don’t know what happened,
I’m at the sound booth and I went up to him and it went from Moth Into The
Flame to Sad But True to Master of Puppets. And the two of us got in each
others faces and we acted out every song. And when we were done we
had a crowd around us. And it became a tradition every
night people called me out for every
song, they’re like you gotta
come out here with us. And I remember the third leg there was about 15 of us banging
our heads so hard way in the back. And all of a sudden the song was
over, and it was this song and I look
up and a pick comes flying by
my head and look up, it’s Hetfield and he’s looking
at me shaking his head but laughing. – That’s awesome. – And after the show he’s like “dude, you’re in there
with the fucking crowds “you’re a nutball, “you’re a fucking nutball, I
love it.” – That’s great, but also it
shows you man with the crews and with the
fucking opener for Metallica, by the second night you were
like a seasoned guy in a heist movie. You came in you were like
this is how it’s gonna go, the car’s gonna stay out front. He goes, this is a three safe
joint, alright we got 90 seconds. When they hit that button,
that’s what you got, 90, you gotta get in and out. To call it like that and then
just to fucking solve it, they
don’t know how many years of comedy went into that. – The thing is the gig,
comedically rewarding is gonna be what it’s gonna be. I didn’t walk off of any, 60 shows I did with them, I’ve never walked off stage one
time and he goes, I gotta
write this down I think I got a new bit today. Jot that down. Especially as I said with
me when I went up there, no-one knew who I was so they
go, is the fucking drum tech
grabbing the mic? Cut his mic off. Look at this dickhead. Fuck you. – What happens Jay, is
that whole crowd looks at who is this guy? And then they look you up,
and then they see videos. They’re like oh dude, he’s, oh
wow. And what I started seeing
was the Metallica crowd went dude he’s a real Metallica
guy. – [Jay] Yeah. – He really is a Metallica guy. And some people started going,
why don’t you do material? I’m like, I’m in a round. – That’s the thing you have to
rely on, that’s the instinct that
whatever I do if I was talking at a
funeral I just say something funny because that’s all my
thing is. – And I started going into
crowds, doing the thing and the coolest thing in the
world became, I can honestly say it was the
greatest gig I ever had in my entire life. Better than t.v., better than
film. It was the greatest gig, greatest experience I ever had
in my life. I said I wold retire
and do this for the rest of my life but guys like you, guys like Jay only we can do
this because we can appreciate, I can appreciate what life is. And these are moments
when we were kids like god if I got to meet ball
players, god if I got to hang
out with the metal guys and I’m the Forest Gump of
entertainment. I said from day one, I
want to work with Pesci I want to work with
DeNiro, I want to do this I want to be with Metallica. And I could sit there and go, holy shit I did everything. It’s not what I envisioned, I thought I’d have 50 million
dollars and I’d be a blockbuster star. You know what, who’s
gonna say I fucking toured with Metallica? – That’s crazy. – Who’s gonna say, I worked with
this guy. – You got beat by a fake bat by
Joe Pesci. – There’s little marks
in my life when you go no-on can take this away from
me. – Nobody – you just do a thing and
you go that’s what I said I get bust my balls
for how much I bring up being on tour with Korn I’m
like, that’s a pretty huge moment in
my life. But just for me, but also just
in comedy. I went from struggling,
and by the way when I came off of it, still struggling it wasn’t a financial gig
it was like they asked me if I would go on tour doing
comedy in front of Korn for 60 shows. And Rob Zombie, and I did
Slipknot and the ShipRock thing I mean this is fucking crazy. – But it’s your passion too. But we were on the poster. We both have that poster
framed from Bonnaroo. We did the comedy tent
but we’re on a poster with fucking Billy Joel. – Crazy. – The beginning of a gay porn. This guy’s in gay porn. (rock music) – This is where we pick up
the stranger at the bus stop. – [Jay] That’s Louis Stacks. – That’s Lou Driller. – ’cause you got fat stacks
of dick in his pants. – He drills chicks. Lou drills. – We’re doing an overnight
shift at a gas station scene where Lou’s alone, the
only employee there. – And a lady needs her car fixed but she doesn’t have any money. – She steals his Zagnut bar
while he’s taking a shit. – [Dan] He comes out, catches
her. Well there’s only one
way to pay that back. – Black Lou, why do black
people always try to get in the background of t.v.? – They love it. – What’s going on with that guy? That guy’s already given
shout outs to his momma. – What barber shop did he say? – Yo, top cuts. – If internet has taught me
anything, to make random black
people leave you alone, street magic. I go is that your car? – Oh hell no. – [Jay] I don’t always
deal with a sorcerer. – [Dan] Oh man this warlock. – You gotta loosen the bottom
one. – Try to get the full Scotty… – I don’t know if Mark face’s
microphone’s even doing a god damn thing. He’s the furthest away from us. – Do you like your new job as
audio? – [Andy] I hate it. – You hate it?
– Why? – [Dan] Tell it straight. – I feel like I’m not
part of the group any more – [Dan] Oh here, we’ll try it. Look at that, this feels good. – I think both of you guys
are doing it terribly wrong. – [Andy] Yeah I don’t
think I’m doing it right. – Let me take it away. – Only got so much cable here. Can’t get too far away from me. Yeah but your arm gets tired
quick dude. – My jackass arm, you’re right. – I should be working for a
local. – Hey, this is us standing in
for Jay. – That’s not how you’re supposed
to do it. – [Jay] Now you say something. – No. – I spit on it. – Getting too close. – [Jay] Hang on a second
(mumbles) – Alright, let’s do a duet like we’re doing save the world. – Oh yeah. ♪ don’t forget ♪ c’mon ♪ Woo woo woo ♪ ♪ Woo woo woo ♪ ♪ give her back ♪ ♪ rom bom bom bom ♪ ♪ nutsack ♪ ♪ give her back ♪ – Now let me carry it for you
and Jay. – You’re doing just as bad a job
as Jay – Mark face. – It goes right to my ear. – Do you miss the show? – You’re doing that close. (breathing heavily) – Mark face – Right in there. – Ah, that’s what made me leave
the show in the first place. – I’ll take these headphones
right off and throw em at you. – I can only finish if
I smells Dan’s armpits. – Do my armpits really smell? – Your mouth is so hot. – I’m on my tiptoes,
I’m trying to kiss you. Part of the Viet Cong and I’m
trying… Hey Dan do you think, oh. – It’s good lacquer. – [Man One] Let’s go to work. – [Dan] Did you guys see
that book had a little how to roll blunts for dummies. – Really. – Hold on I’m gonna go buy one. – [Dan] Fuck I don’t have any
cash on me. – How much were they? – [Dan] Ah, give me 20
and I’ll pay you back. – [Jay] C’mon Dan, snatch n’
grab. – How to roll a blunt
for rocket scientists. – Yeah, hell yeah man. What’s your name? – Rashon. – Rashon, Dan nice to meet you
man. – [Jay] Let’s go to work. – [Dan] Guys awesome, got two
for 20. – You think your friends
would dig this video? Then share it with them and tell them to rate and
review. And you know, make us
feel good about ourselves. – You tell a friend,
they tell two friends, yeah it’s a pyramid
scheme of a radio show. – Becomes a whole thing. I got some Cutco knives
also if you’re interested. – I’ve got Spyderco so call
me if you want the real one.

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