“I must be cruel only to be kind; thus, bad begins and worse remains behind.” That’s Hamlet, man. Did you know there’s a deleted scene from Hamlet where he takes the MBTI test and, uh, finds out he’s INFJ?! Okay, so this gets called the “INFJ Door Slam” and stuff all the time, and to be honest with you, I don’t- I didn’t want to use that term. But I used it just because, if I don’t, no one’s going to know what I’m talking about. This video, basically, I want to talk about “INFJ B R U T A L I T Y” That’s what other people call the “Door Slam,” and I wanted to explain a little bit about where I think it comes from because you see a lot of different articles and videos and stuff about it, and not- they don’t necessarily, like, explain why it happens. They’ll just say, like, these general things, like, [sad, classical music]
“INFJs are such nice people, and they give people so many chances, and then those people don’t reform, and then the INFJ has to just cut them out of their life…” ~ forever ~ There’s maybe some more subtlety to it. To my mind, it’s not a door slam; that’s, that- I don’t like that term because it seems like, petty. I don’t know, it just seems- I would never slam a door, but I would do much worse. I would be brutal. I wouldn’t be petty. I think that every human is capable of brutality, some more than others, and I don’t necessarily mean brutal in the way of, like, pushing an old lady in front of a bus or something… Like that’s physically brutal. That’s like, you know, criminally brutal [yes it is, Frank]. I’m just talking about, like, in your interactions with other people, sort of like social brutality, interpersonal brutality, where maybe you’re not physically harming another person but you’re emotionally… maybe… destroying them, being an emotional kind of brute. There are lots of other types who do this even without thinking, and it’s just sort of, their mode of being is to, uh, brutalize other people emotionally. And, you know, INFJs are on the “nice end” of the spectrum. I would say INFJs, INFPs, we’re the two, maybe, nicest types. But even INFPS, who are even nicer than us, INFPs are capable of brutality, too; it just takes a while to get there. But for an INFJ, the brutality is much closer to the surface. What am I talking about?- What is brut- What is this “brutality” that I keep- this *amorphous concept* of brutality I keep talking about? [sips drink] I mean, basically, if you think of it in terms of the “Door Slam,” that’s what the brutality is. It’s like, how… how willing are you to just totally…say to someone “you’re dead to me,” basically, through your actions, not your words so much because, as…as someone has said —maybe, was it Shakespeare who said it, was it Hamlet who said— “actions speak louder than words?” [assuming the role of Hamlet] “ACTIONS SPEAKER LOUDER THAN WORDS, UNCLE CLAUDIUS!- You know, maybe when you killed my dad that speaked- that speaked a bit louder!” So, it’s one thing to say to someone, you know, to chew someone out, to be verbally brutal to someone, but when your actions are clear that you’re cutting someone out of your life and they don’t matter to you anymore, that’s brutal, man. To me, I think a better image than the door slamming is you have a very strong connection to someone, and it’s like you have this link to them, like… like a cable or a string, running from your heart to theirs. It’s like you’re taking scissors and you’re cutting it… all the while… acting like you’re not cutting it, and like it was never there to begin with. The thing is, why does this happen? Why can’t an INFJ who has extraverted feeling, which would —you would think— make it so that some- you could just smooth over something, or you would know how to better conclude, to bring some closure to it in a way that isn’t so harsh. And I’ve thought a lot about this, and all I can come up with —and I think this is probably right cuz that— that the INFJ sees the world in shades of gray. I don’t- you can disagree with me, I don’t think that I am a very black and white thinker; I see everything in shades of gray. Nothing is really, totally, one way or the other. And, when it comes to perspectives, I can see all kinds of perspectives. I see all sides of an argument, and I can- it’s easy for me to see where someone is coming from, and why they feel the way they do and why they value the things that they do. I mean, that’s- that’s frickin’ extraverted feeling right there, is we value what they value above what we would naturally value. Does that make sense? That’s extraverted feeling, man. So, when there’s someone in your life and there’s some kind of conflict, or if they do something bad, you know, they do something to hurt you, we are very likely to see their point of view and be like, “Okay, yeah, that was a jerk thing they did, it wasn’t right, but I can sort of see why they did it, so, you know… ‘to err is human, to forgive is divine,’ so, I’ll give ’em another chance.” You basically keep doing this, and to a point where you get really confused cuz a more black and white thinker, I think, would be like, “No-no-no. This person has violated, uh, my trust, or they violated something that I value, and so I’m gonna move on from this person.” But we see so many shades of gray that it’s sort of that we are able to more easily justify keeping a person around when they seem to really not offer us much. Or maybe it’s not so much that you and this person are enemies, but it’s like, you just keep hurting each other and it’s not leading anywhere good. Maybe a different type would handle things differently, and maybe just, you know, have a heart-to-heart talk and say, “Look, man, we can’t be friends anymore,” or would jet out of there earlier- I think maybe what it is is we just drag things on way too long. We allow things to get to the point where its- it’s really unbearable, and, even in our misery, we still see the other side of it and think… [chuckles] and think, “This is fine!” Have you ever seen that cartoon where there- it’s- it’s like a comic, where there’s this dog sitting in a house with a cup of coffee and the house is on fire, and he says, “This is fine?” That’s- He’s an INFJ. And when we stay in the situation a long time with a person, whether it be in a relationship or whether it be a friendship or a family member, you drag it out until the point where metaphorically, the house is on fire but you’re still saying “this is fine.” And then, it gets to the point where you’re like, finally galvanized, and you’re like, “This is NOT fine,” and it’s at a point where you can’t you…you feel that you can’t extricate yourself from it without huge, dramatic action. And I think that’s- I think it’s a point where, maybe in a way, we start grieving that this- this relationship has to end before we even consciously realize it. And then we reach the part of grief where we get angry, and then that’s where we decide to “slam the door,” if you will, to “cut the string,” and just end it in a really brutal way. It’s not brutal in the sense of you chew the person out, and tell them what a worthless, piece of garbage they are; it’s brutal in a way where… you act like they don’t exist, which is perhaps… one of the worst things you can do to someone —really— …is to pretend that they don’t exist. And that they never existed. Or that they might as well never existed to you, you know? [takes deep breath] It’s brut- That’s brut- That’s the INFJ Brutality right there, is that we will stick with someone so long and try to make it work and say, like, you know, “Yeah, I see your side of things,” and then, without warning… they’re dead to you. That’s what it is. It’s like you see so many shades of gray, and then, in order to get yourself out of the misery, you have to suddenly go into black and white and you have to cast this other person as the villain, and it’s like extreme black and white. Turn up the contrast all the way! This person is a villain, and is causing the misery. That helps you justify being brutal to them. Maybe it’s just this “power grab” that “I feel powerless,” you know, when you get in these bad situations, you feel like you’re- you’ve lost your power, and to assert yourself in your life again, you need to do something, like, somewhat destructive in order to prove to yourself that you have some power… you know? That’s just… That’s just being human, to want to assert your power. Maybe that’s just a guy thing, but I don’t think so. I think all humans, at some- at some level, they need to assert control over their lives. INFJS, especially, this- are very concerned with control, you know, regaining some of that power in this- in a- in a situation like this. You feel like, “Well… I’ve burned the bridge and, you know, left a big crater where something meaningful was, BUT at least I did it, and at least that was ME calling the shots.” You know? So, that’s my take on the, uh, what’s been called the “Door Slam,” but I think that’s way too weak of a way of putting it, so I call it “INFJ Brutality.” You know, the original title for Hamlet was, uh, called “The Door Slam.” [“ba-dum-tiss” sound effect] [chuckles at own joke] I don’t know why that’s so funny to me… All right, so I promised on Monday that I was gonna do a Q&A, and I thought I would do it as part of this video, but this video… has gone a little long. So, what I’m gonna do is Imma do, um, stick around! – I’m gonna put a link at the end to an unlisted video, where it’s just gonna be all Q&A. You know, I’ll just loosen up my tie, it’ll be like a fun, kind of just, you and me (the cool people), and yeah, so click that link [click it!] at the end. Uh, so- or I’ll put it up here now! Frick! Thank you very much for watching! I love you all, you’re cool and attractive.
[yeah we are!] Uh, like the video if you liked it, subscribe if you haven’t already – get on the Frank James Train already, man! Tune in next time, where I will recite the entirety of Hamlet~ ♪ Outro Music – Neptune by Riften (aka Frank James) ♪