INFJ Brutality (or: the INFJ Door Slam)

INFJ Brutality (or: the INFJ Door Slam)

“I must be cruel only to be kind; thus, bad begins and worse remains behind.” That’s Hamlet, man. Did you know there’s a deleted scene from Hamlet where he takes the MBTI test and, uh, finds out he’s INFJ?! Okay, so this gets called the “INFJ Door Slam” and stuff all the time, and to be honest with you, I don’t- I didn’t want to use that term. But I used it just because, if I don’t, no one’s going to know what I’m talking about. This video, basically, I want to talk about “INFJ B R U T A L I T Y” That’s what other people call the “Door Slam,” and I wanted to explain a little bit about where I think it comes from because you see a lot of different articles and videos and stuff about it, and not- they don’t necessarily, like, explain why it happens. They’ll just say, like, these general things, like, [sad, classical music]
“INFJs are such nice people, and they give people so many chances, and then those people don’t reform, and then the INFJ has to just cut them out of their life…” ~ forever ~ There’s maybe some more subtlety to it. To my mind, it’s not a door slam; that’s, that- I don’t like that term because it seems like, petty. I don’t know, it just seems- I would never slam a door, but I would do much worse. I would be brutal. I wouldn’t be petty. I think that every human is capable of brutality, some more than others, and I don’t necessarily mean brutal in the way of, like, pushing an old lady in front of a bus or something… Like that’s physically brutal. That’s like, you know, criminally brutal [yes it is, Frank]. I’m just talking about, like, in your interactions with other people, sort of like social brutality, interpersonal brutality, where maybe you’re not physically harming another person but you’re emotionally… maybe… destroying them, being an emotional kind of brute. There are lots of other types who do this even without thinking, and it’s just sort of, their mode of being is to, uh, brutalize other people emotionally. And, you know, INFJs are on the “nice end” of the spectrum. I would say INFJs, INFPs, we’re the two, maybe, nicest types. But even INFPS, who are even nicer than us, INFPs are capable of brutality, too; it just takes a while to get there. But for an INFJ, the brutality is much closer to the surface. What am I talking about?- What is brut- What is this “brutality” that I keep- this *amorphous concept* of brutality I keep talking about? [sips drink] I mean, basically, if you think of it in terms of the “Door Slam,” that’s what the brutality is. It’s like, how… how willing are you to just totally…say to someone “you’re dead to me,” basically, through your actions, not your words so much because, as…as someone has said —maybe, was it Shakespeare who said it, was it Hamlet who said— “actions speak louder than words?” [assuming the role of Hamlet] “ACTIONS SPEAKER LOUDER THAN WORDS, UNCLE CLAUDIUS!- You know, maybe when you killed my dad that speaked- that speaked a bit louder!” So, it’s one thing to say to someone, you know, to chew someone out, to be verbally brutal to someone, but when your actions are clear that you’re cutting someone out of your life and they don’t matter to you anymore, that’s brutal, man. To me, I think a better image than the door slamming is you have a very strong connection to someone, and it’s like you have this link to them, like… like a cable or a string, running from your heart to theirs. It’s like you’re taking scissors and you’re cutting it… all the while… acting like you’re not cutting it, and like it was never there to begin with. The thing is, why does this happen? Why can’t an INFJ who has extraverted feeling, which would —you would think— make it so that some- you could just smooth over something, or you would know how to better conclude, to bring some closure to it in a way that isn’t so harsh. And I’ve thought a lot about this, and all I can come up with —and I think this is probably right cuz that— that the INFJ sees the world in shades of gray. I don’t- you can disagree with me, I don’t think that I am a very black and white thinker; I see everything in shades of gray. Nothing is really, totally, one way or the other. And, when it comes to perspectives, I can see all kinds of perspectives. I see all sides of an argument, and I can- it’s easy for me to see where someone is coming from, and why they feel the way they do and why they value the things that they do. I mean, that’s- that’s frickin’ extraverted feeling right there, is we value what they value above what we would naturally value. Does that make sense? That’s extraverted feeling, man. So, when there’s someone in your life and there’s some kind of conflict, or if they do something bad, you know, they do something to hurt you, we are very likely to see their point of view and be like, “Okay, yeah, that was a jerk thing they did, it wasn’t right, but I can sort of see why they did it, so, you know… ‘to err is human, to forgive is divine,’ so, I’ll give ’em another chance.” You basically keep doing this, and to a point where you get really confused cuz a more black and white thinker, I think, would be like, “No-no-no. This person has violated, uh, my trust, or they violated something that I value, and so I’m gonna move on from this person.” But we see so many shades of gray that it’s sort of that we are able to more easily justify keeping a person around when they seem to really not offer us much. Or maybe it’s not so much that you and this person are enemies, but it’s like, you just keep hurting each other and it’s not leading anywhere good. Maybe a different type would handle things differently, and maybe just, you know, have a heart-to-heart talk and say, “Look, man, we can’t be friends anymore,” or would jet out of there earlier- I think maybe what it is is we just drag things on way too long. We allow things to get to the point where its- it’s really unbearable, and, even in our misery, we still see the other side of it and think… [chuckles] and think, “This is fine!” Have you ever seen that cartoon where there- it’s- it’s like a comic, where there’s this dog sitting in a house with a cup of coffee and the house is on fire, and he says, “This is fine?” That’s- He’s an INFJ. And when we stay in the situation a long time with a person, whether it be in a relationship or whether it be a friendship or a family member, you drag it out until the point where metaphorically, the house is on fire but you’re still saying “this is fine.” And then, it gets to the point where you’re like, finally galvanized, and you’re like, “This is NOT fine,” and it’s at a point where you can’t you…you feel that you can’t extricate yourself from it without huge, dramatic action. And I think that’s- I think it’s a point where, maybe in a way, we start grieving that this- this relationship has to end before we even consciously realize it. And then we reach the part of grief where we get angry, and then that’s where we decide to “slam the door,” if you will, to “cut the string,” and just end it in a really brutal way. It’s not brutal in the sense of you chew the person out, and tell them what a worthless, piece of garbage they are; it’s brutal in a way where… you act like they don’t exist, which is perhaps… one of the worst things you can do to someone —really— …is to pretend that they don’t exist. And that they never existed. Or that they might as well never existed to you, you know? [takes deep breath] It’s brut- That’s brut- That’s the INFJ Brutality right there, is that we will stick with someone so long and try to make it work and say, like, you know, “Yeah, I see your side of things,” and then, without warning… they’re dead to you. That’s what it is. It’s like you see so many shades of gray, and then, in order to get yourself out of the misery, you have to suddenly go into black and white and you have to cast this other person as the villain, and it’s like extreme black and white. Turn up the contrast all the way! This person is a villain, and is causing the misery. That helps you justify being brutal to them. Maybe it’s just this “power grab” that “I feel powerless,” you know, when you get in these bad situations, you feel like you’re- you’ve lost your power, and to assert yourself in your life again, you need to do something, like, somewhat destructive in order to prove to yourself that you have some power… you know? That’s just… That’s just being human, to want to assert your power. Maybe that’s just a guy thing, but I don’t think so. I think all humans, at some- at some level, they need to assert control over their lives. INFJS, especially, this- are very concerned with control, you know, regaining some of that power in this- in a- in a situation like this. You feel like, “Well… I’ve burned the bridge and, you know, left a big crater where something meaningful was, BUT at least I did it, and at least that was ME calling the shots.” You know? So, that’s my take on the, uh, what’s been called the “Door Slam,” but I think that’s way too weak of a way of putting it, so I call it “INFJ Brutality.” You know, the original title for Hamlet was, uh, called “The Door Slam.” [“ba-dum-tiss” sound effect] [chuckles at own joke] I don’t know why that’s so funny to me… All right, so I promised on Monday that I was gonna do a Q&A, and I thought I would do it as part of this video, but this video… has gone a little long. So, what I’m gonna do is Imma do, um, stick around! – I’m gonna put a link at the end to an unlisted video, where it’s just gonna be all Q&A. You know, I’ll just loosen up my tie, it’ll be like a fun, kind of just, you and me (the cool people), and yeah, so click that link [click it!] at the end. Uh, so- or I’ll put it up here now! Frick! Thank you very much for watching! I love you all, you’re cool and attractive.
[yeah we are!] Uh, like the video if you liked it, subscribe if you haven’t already – get on the Frank James Train already, man! Tune in next time, where I will recite the entirety of Hamlet~ ♪ Outro Music – Neptune by Riften (aka Frank James) ♪

100 thoughts on “INFJ Brutality (or: the INFJ Door Slam)

  1. 🔴 Here's another video you'll like: Unhealthy INFJ: 7 Signs You're an Unhealthy INFJ ⭐

  2. Hey Frank I shut the door at my mother who is a dreadful narcissistic
    Demon. All my life giving her chances but now I shut the door and feel great and free, to be me. We can be brutal to people who want to destroy us., So I cut the cord, what else could I do, it wasn't a control issue, it was me living myself enough to run away. XX

  3. I put off watching this for ages due to the "door slam" heading. Like nah I wouldn't be that petty. But watching this is totally true.

    I have even used the "this is fine" meme before hahaha.. sigh

  4. Completely accurate.
    It's like we run out of grey and are forced to hit black and their nothing anymore to us.
    We understand both sides and spend so long to reach that point . Its like all resources within ourselves have been spent and without concious choice we just stop . My mind personally goes " over it " it seems brutal , but in retrospect it was not without trying and much analyzing.

  5. My empathy for him died because of his continued behavior despite seemingly endless chances of forgiveness and pleading and me doing my best to meet his needs despite the fact that he never seemed to try to fill the void in my love bank in the language I needed. I lost trust, respect, and security in our relationship and it was at this point that I realized that I needed to love myself enough to not hurt myself anymore. That I needed to not be so self-sacrificing of my heart, could not eat my pain any longer. You're right, I grieved my relationship for a while before I was strong enough to actually end it.

  6. I feel sad for people whom I had chopped off my life. I feel sorry when they try hard to come along n convince. I feel sad for the wasteful efforts n lapse of time. But sometimes, I can't and don't want to help.

  7. Not just a guy thing. I find myself doing this. I connect with it all you have said. Lol glad to connect. Thanks for the content.

  8. I think this again ties to how we process information internally. We take in the information, observe the situation, and then once we've already viewed all the possible outcomes, and come to a conclusion, we then choose to express it. So, it might be strike three or strike thirty-two, but by the time we get to whatever number of times you can try me, I've already rationalized it all out ad decided this is not going to bring any beneficial outcomes and THEN choose to express it. INFJs ten to be about quality over quanity when it comes to friendships, thus our attachments are very loyal – if you're one of our own we will stick by you. Up until i decide you can no longer undo the damage already done, I'll be on your side — even if I'm arguing your case despite the act that I've been wronged in the situation.

  9. The bridge Analogy That you used I think that the reason why we burn the bridge is because we're tired of them constantly breaking out planks.

  10. I'm an INFJ and I have absolutely no issue with cutting people out.
    BUT only if they've messed up their third chance. After that I'm done. They don't even exist in my world anymore 😂

  11. As an INFP, and the recipient of a recent INFJ ‘door slam’, what is the difference between INFJ attributes and covert narcissism? What makes your type feel so special and superior to others that you don’t have to tolerate other people the way that everyone else does? I’m just thoroughly confused by the complete shutdown, there was no warning or anything and I’m still trying to figure out what i did. Once the door is slammed, is there any way to find out why, even just for closure’s sake?


  13. I wanna hug you man, cutting ties with toxicity in life and knowing and choosing where your faith lies is awesome. (ENTP)

  14. I think for me, I really don’t make the other person a villain, and it’s still not black and white, even after the “cable is cut” I don’t hate them. I just had to make a judgement call; and in that moment (usually after basically BEGGING that person to meet me halfway) I realize it’s not healthy, and I can’t continue. I love what they brought to my life during that time, but something has to give. All the other types can put themselves first, sometimes we need a turn, right?

  15. Whoa Dude…. Cutting The cable or string, from the attached hearts was so deep. But, hey I'm an INFJ and it's so true.

  16. Whoa Dude…. Cutting The cable or string, from the attached hearts was so deep. But, hey I'm an INFJ and it's so true.

  17. People have never quite understood me cutting people off but I genuinely cannot deal with people bothering my emotional energy. Its really weird because I actually opened the slammed door recently with someone but I have to say this time my hand is genuinely hovering over the handle 🙈 moral of the story: leave the bloody door shut and give yourself less to think about.

  18. I feel we give so many opportunities for the other person to right the relationship and with each failed attempt to get through to them our hurt just builds and builds until we have no other options but to cut and run to save ourselves.

  19. I cut most of my family out of my life and I hate myself for the same time I don't want to let them back in my life.its as if I've already mourned their deaths and they are all I alone in this?

  20. I am so glad I found your videos…for years I never understood why I was not like everyone else…people don't see things the way I do…after a personality test…finding out my personality…I've been studying it and your videos are ME…I just need to find another infj! Hard find for sure!

  21. Not an INFJ but an INFP and I find that a lot of my friends are the kind of people where it doesn’t matter if we don’t see each other for a long time, when we do, it’s like we pick up from right when we left off. Whereas when I meet the stj types, they demand so much more time and think that you don’t care about them if you don’t talk to them ALL THE TIME. I honestly feel it’s because INFPs and INFJs have a different sense of time and space. Lol. I can’t quite explain that statement in words… like it’s a sense that time is fluid… something like that.. oh well.

    Edit: and to add to that, I have a long distance INFJ friend and we can not talk for literally YEARS but that connection is still there and never dies no matter where we are in life. It’s like we don’t need that constant reassurance that we’re friends. Lol.

  22. I was always called impulsive- what no one appreciated was that i had been stewing over the big picture for months Or years- then suddenly when i "got it" – i took immediate action.yes – shades of grey. Many perspectives.

  23. This is getting too real man. 😮 I'm 56 years old and my whole life has just been explained. I'm a slammer. 😬

  24. I just had an INFJ friend of 20 years cut me off. She did tell me I was a piece of garbage. I had no idea she was even upset with me. It felt so unfair.

  25. I think the 'door slam' as it is so put is a form of eradicating toxic relationships. The bigger picture thinkers that we are- realise that life is too short expose ourselves to consistant harm (emotional abuse etc). I don't know, but for me is not a form of brutality, rather protection because it takes so much to reach this stage. It's a way of moving on and growing.

  26. Wow. This was hard to watch in parts. I've def. been guilty of this, the door slam/brutality, and have been called out as cold for it, but you described the mental process from my viewpoint perfectly. I just never realized just horrible I was being…ugh 🙁

  27. If a person doesn’t value our relationship I end it. I always give chances before I completely severe my emotional connection to a person. People can change, but it takes time and a desire to. I can’t be loyal to someone who doesn’t respect boundaries. I become indifferent, not hateful. I’d still spit on them if they were on fire.

  28. Yes, tough love can and will be deployed. There seems to be quite a delay with the door slam mechanism. Going forward there is a lighter and sweeter self open to exploration. So be it. Some people or dare I say personalities don’t belong with people of depth on an ongoing shallow basis. Let’s agree to become more preservative with our time and energy by recognizing false light people more quickly. Being sensitive to our own needs is pretty damn important too.

  29. You’ve just explained what I’ve been journaling about and talking about to people for ages now. I’m an INFJ and what you were saying mirrors exactly what happened to me last year.

    I was in a relationship with someone how was incredibly emotionally taxing and rather selfish, but I just kept giving and justifying it and saying it was fine. I write songs as a creative outlet, and I subconsciously wrote about me breaking up with my boyfriend months in advance. I had already decide things weren’t good and we’re actively harming my mental health, and as you said, I was in a way “grieving the relationship”, but I hadn’t accepted it on the surface yet. I finally built up the courage to break up with him and then I didn’t speak to him for ages. I pretty much ignored him, but he was also avoiding me cause he was pretty torn up, so it was probably less jarring. We still go to the same high school, and now we’ve both joined a leadership group together and I really have to try when interacting with him. (No, it’s not a stupid middle school thing, I’m graduating soon and we dated for 9 months). I don’t really regret shutting him out at all, though, cause it was justified, perhaps moreso when I did it, but it would have gotten even worse.

    It’s nice to find someone who gets this concept, though.

  30. Hi Frank, I’m not brutal. My BFF says I can be “harsh”, because I use clinical jargon that most people don’t understand. Also, I do completely shut people out when they hurt me purposely on multiple occasions and it’s like they never existed to me. It’s not that they don’t matter to me; it’s that I refuse to allow people to take advantage of me. Reciprocity is a foundational cornerstone to healthy relationships and I refuse to be in unhealthy relationships. And I refuse to be in any kind of relationship devoid of healthy, open, mutually respectful, assertive communication. You’re right…without warning they are dead to me. I don’t do it to hurt people; however, when I’m done, I’m done. And I’m not asserting my power over anyone. I’m just doing what is healthy for me. And I only do it if the relationship is not meaningful. Because by the time I close the door, the relationship is irreparably unhealthy, because I’ve attempted to repair it on multiple occasions.

  31. This is kind of like emotional brutality:
    -Your just like your father
    -Would you like to try again but this time not stupid.
    -could you maybe be less of an asshole
    -Have you ever consider drinking or drugs?
    – It okay the world is full of retards.
    – Wow haven’t heard that before
    – When you beg for sympathy like a dog 24/7, that works for you. Oh wow very interesting.
    – When you use memes outside of social media and in public that works for you? Wow okay interesting.
    -Ya I can see why he left you.
    – Would you like to donate your babies to a meat packeting plant?
    Ok that’s too much.

  32. A year and a half long distance relationship and almost marriage ended with the door slam. It took the better part 6 months with me giving him a second, third, fourth chance and him continuing to cheat. And me believing that he really wanted to change to finally say goodbye and metaphorically slam that door. It seems brutal to the person who didn't see it coming since they had so many second chances but every time I've done this I haven't stopped caring for the person any less, I just felt like it was hurting me too much to stay but I'll always hope the best for them.

  33. I also think it’s coming from self preservation. Like you had good times with that person but then they did something that hurt you and going back to the memories of the whole thing breaks you, so you just deny it happened. You erase the memories, well you can’t but when you don’t go back to them and not think about them ever again, you keep yourself away from that hurt. So you just erase that person too cuz when they surface all of the memories also surface? I recently slammed the door on someone so it’s very real to me atm.

  34. Hello. (-: Sarah 36 year old INFJ here. Some of this gave me chills because I FEEL it and know I did it for years. However you CAN get past this. It's been a big goal of mine to fix this aspect. So I'm going through a divorce currently. Married for 15 years, together for 18. It's been 1 of my biggest tests to try and divorce amicably and not just say 'poof be gone' So I think the key to this is really learning and enforcing your own personal boundaries. Extremely difficult for our type. But I'm at a point now where I can have a true friendship with him and a certain level of trust but NOT let him completely affect every aspect of me. There was emotional abuse and loss of identity in myself. So easy to do as an INFJ. But I do know where his issues came from. I can say now I'm not going to let him effect my identity but I can still understand how and why he does what he does. Work more on finding yourself, spirituality, and really determining your own identity. It is possible to stop this process.

  35. I don’t think it is about power or black/white thinking. Ending a relationship comes after so much abuse and pain that one feels so hopeless and depressed one just lets go…finally but even then it hurts. If one goes quiet it is simply because of exhaustion and a need for healing.

  36. I have always found that if I was in any kind of relationship, whether it's friends or anything for that matter even family, if I'm not happy with this person, I will slowly back off, maybe giving them the benefit of the doubt that they can understand that they're not treating me as I should while I make sacrifices for them all the time, but if it gets to a point, I'm usually like 'I'm done, I tried to give you a clue' 'cause I will physically get ill or I'll have anxiety if I hang on to these people any longer and the feeling sucks when you come to the decision to put an end, but it is a relief honestly to us INFJs

  37. of all things I was paying attention to I was looking at the guitar. Then I wondered how it got there. Does he play the guitar? Does he love music? I wonder if it played an important role in his life… and why is he wearing a suit? Does it mean something meaningful to the video or has a hidden meaning? And why are the pillows covered? And I fear that the candle at the back of his room might go out while he's talking… I think and I think….

    aaaaand the video is over.

  38. It is brutal, because it is not unheard of for INFJ to door-slam because of problems that are largely self-inflicted.

    When INFJ in crisis mode start to make crazy connections that doesnt exist, and then cut you off without any ability to talk about it, how do you think it looks?

    You make some connections, see it with intuition, feel pain because of it, then shut the door and hold another person responsible and like he never existed. Really?

    And that person could be aligned to you and was giving all that he could, but you percieved another things and there goes bam.

    Thats scary stuff, really scary. It can be real betrayal, that will leave scars. And all this yada another person should have sern this coming isnt taking responsibility from you.

  39. ENFP are like this too. It’s not always the other person’s “fault”, it’s just the level you’re both on at that moment in time.

    Yes, we all seek to have control and power. I’ve attained the point of admitting that I am powerless, and that my life has become unmanageable.

  40. I don't feel that it's brutal, some people are actually toxic, more because you keep forgiving them. For some, you just feel that it's not gonna work in future, so you end it all

  41. It took me a long time to realize this about myself, and to be able to see ahead and try to fix these situations before they can happen.
    I hate hurting people, because I feel it to.

  42. As you become older you become less tolerant. I've inevitably unfriended quite a few people in my life who developed into morons. You need to ask yourself this: "do they add anything to your life?" If the answer is no, REMOVE 'EM. Better to be healthy alone, than to be unhealthy with someone.

  43. That's like calling a squirrel rude because it runs up a tree when a dog runs over to it all excited wagging it's tail. INFJ knows, intuitively, what people are like, and they know, probably from a lifetime of experience, what ends up happening when people catch on to how mentally pliable they are. Once INFJ feels the energy shift, they don't need to wait around to know what comes next, and anyone who gets butt hurt at the INFJs seemingly unwarranted personal withdrawal essentially identifies themself to the INFJ in doing so…confirming the INFJs initial assessment. You will know them by their fruit. (Also it can be from energy depletion…if INFJ knows the batteries are running low, but can't get somewhere to recharge, INFJ has to go into survival mode to make it through and get to the charger.) Still, anyone who gets butt hurt by someone else's mood shifting is not centered themself…it might be jarring to witness, but it's not a slight to you personally…INFJ didn't bite you. It withdrew because it's running low on energy, or it realized something is not safe, and it either needs to shield itself, or shield you from it…INFJ doesn't want to bite.

  44. See, I don't understand why this is such a bad thing. I'm an INTJ, so maybe I just don't 'get it', but I always thought cutting people of your life and condemning then to your silence is a good thing to do, when/if you eventually don't get along or something. I mean, why sit there in it?

  45. Repeatedly violated my boundaries, health, and personal space, until I filleted and sautéed their feelings, before washing down the remains of their ego, with some fava beans and a nice Chianti…and then I proceeded to live life as though they never existed. #nowyourejustsomebodythatiusedtoknow 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

  46. Exactly. It's like we're looking for the "last straw" that finally gives us permission to get out, and by that time, there's been too much harm done for a clean exit.

  47. INFP here. You described my nearly always seeing and understanding why someone did something. I envy black and white thinking at times. Maybe it is that I envy having clearly defined boundaries. Yes, shades of grey until whoa, done.

  48. As an INTJ, I am fairly similar, if someone is steadily pushing my buttons and I am accurately predict that the future outcome is less than favorable. Than I will either cut you off completely without warning, give you a list of reasons and depart if it was a deep connection, or just make you nonexistent in all aspects of my life altogether. I do admire the transparency and kindness of the INFJs. There process is a much longer build up, but nonetheless just as cold and detached.

  49. After on and off 11 yrs with an abusive cheater i " slammed the door". I woke up to see her off to work. As usual she started talking to me like i was a piece of @$#!. After she got in the car to go to work i made a call and in ten minutes was on the bus stop with my things. ALL of my things.

  50. So true! Once I’m done, I’m done! Took me 8 years of being done wrong and giving numerous chances but once I had my mind set that was it. He’s dead to me now. ✌🏼

  51. I think its because as an INFJ we do the door slam out of survival mode, when we reached the point of breaking its all the factors of emotional, mental and even physical discomfort.. then, then we slam door. Because its either the person changes towards us or your a goner.
    No shame in admitting it, we have the longest breath and the biggest pool of patience with people , if people don't get it we INFJ's know its time to go because these people aren't ready or never will be ready.

  52. For 20 years I believed I'm an InFJ, but now not so sure. I'd leave the house on fire, long before they would – often through my own cynicism, doubt in looking at the future, but also, knowing when brutality calls for both of us – albeit usually I end up way more hurt than them. Now a few years off 50, I'm thinking I'm an ENFJ. My results say both. I can be in your face, confrontational when necessary (rare, but a consistent trait nonetheless), and a social instigator – yet regular social gatherings do my head in. So confuuussed.

  53. 💚 I mean, I do do this but I don’t think of it as brutal or a door slam. I think of it as ‘letting them go’. Lol. I can’t see you on social media, we don’t hang out, I never returned your last text message…🤷‍♀️ I just don’t think you were a very good friend to me and now I don’t have time or energy for you. I’m not mad though, I’m just done… 🤣 I guess the point is that it is a door slam or feel brutal from the other persons perspective.

  54. They should be happy to just have the “door slam” that’s actually the nicest out of the two because sometimes I feel like I could just go off and spill their insides in their face but I don’t want to fully throw the mirror in their face knowing it potentially crush them so I shut the door quietly maybe one day they can self reflect lol

  55. This makes the INFJ seem like a butthole. But i will cut you off if I give you chances and you let me down several times. When I start feeling contempt for you, I'm done

  56. Had to watch this one more than once. I stayed in a bad relationship for nearly 7 years and you explained the “door slam” perfectly. My house was on fire for years and I wouldn’t see it…but once I did, they were dead to me. I am not proud of it, but it’s true. On point Frank…so on point.

  57. I have stayed in friend relationships beyond their expiration on more than one occasion. I can totally relate to grieving the loss of a friendship while I’m still in it. My subconscious feelings become conscious and I can feel the change coming. Asserting my boundaries is met with resistance; the other person either doesn’t want to change, can’t change, or doesn’t know how to change so there is resistance sometime matched with aggression or anger. There comes a time when I let the person know that our friendship must open itself up for growth in order to continue, and that it is their choice whether or not they can meet me at a new level and if they cannot I will accept that and it’s with love I will set them free. Till the very end they never ever think I will end our friendship. And then it happens. When I’m done, I am done. I admit years ago I did not know how to discuss and share my own needs because I never really I knew what my own needs were. It took a lot of years and self reflection to figure out who I was and what I wanted and what good friendships look like. Nowadays, I speak up and let people know even though I face the rejection that they may not want the same thing. It’s much healthier to know that I let the person know what I needed and if it doesn’t work out that’s OK. I have a handful of friends who are still wondering where the hell I went. One I haven’t talked to in a few years but she attended my father’s funeral and got all teary-eyed. She told me how much she missed me and that she thinks of me all the time. I wished her well and greeted others who had come to the funeral home. Later that evening as I reflected on that encounter I thought to myself, you may miss me as your punching bag but I no longer miss being the target of your aggression, bullying, backhanded compliments and subtle and not-so-subtle put downs. As Taylor Swift says, weeeee are never ever getting back together.

  58. Hi Frank. I had a dream last night that you and I were very in love. It was the perfectest love that INFJ's dream of… quite literally. You were kinda fat in my dream though. <3

  59. Firstly, love the suit and tie. Secondly, I agree, I had to finally tell the truth to someone recently….I was just so exhausted by this person that I couldn't sugarcoat it anymore…I let them door slam me. But Ti popped out and tried to save me, I was just unable to make excuses for their behaviour anymore and keep giving.

  60. Okay so here's the thing: I've gone the grieve stage, I've even gone to the angry stage and wanted to slam the door but I rechecked the pattern and felt like it isn't time to slam it yet BUT idk if that person is still there after all the hints I've dropped that I wanted it to end so… idk. Idk if it's right to stay, or if I'm ready if he's not there… I'm just not sure of everything rn. Haha

  61. I'm actually going through a door slam at the moment with someone LOL I haven't spoken to him in m o n t h s and I fear I could go forever :DDDDD

  62. Hey Frank, i'm an INFJ Female and I think everything that you're mentioning just makes perfect sense to me..I wait wayyy tooo long, find way many answers to justify a toxic relationship, but when i'm done, I'M REALLY DONE! THEY'RE REALLY DEAD TO ME. I thought I'm heartless, but you help us understand our type.
    Thank You so much..

  63. I see more in black and white anymore because the grey has brought so much trouble. I'm alone, but don't have to waste precious life on the bs that people bring.

  64. I like the way you talking about the brutality. You are so caring and tender at the beginning – and then sudden cold-blooded – "you don't exist anymore". So strong. So poetic

    But I do the same ✌

  65. ive read maleficent from sleeping beauty is an INFJ villain. the door slam is defff shown in that story. big time 😄 #bestdisneyvillain

  66. TY sweetheart, you have so beautifully put into words what I could never. I hope everyone I have/will door slam gets what it means.

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