How To Tell If Someone Truly Loves You | Femi Ogunjinmi | TEDxXavierUniversity

How To Tell If Someone Truly Loves You | Femi Ogunjinmi | TEDxXavierUniversity


Translator: Stilyana Stoyanova
Reviewer: Vanessa Soneghet By show of hands, How many of you have ever
gotten in a relationship because you felt that you were in love? Very good! How many have ever broken up
and said to the person, “You don’t deserve me.” Ah-ha! “As a matter of fact, I don’t even know how I fell in love
with you in the first place.” Oh, I know. You were drunk in love, right? In my line of field,
as a relationship coach, clients come to me
with their love problems. One client wants me
to evaluate her relationship. She’s been with her boyfriend
for over four years. There is no promise ring,
no engagement ring, no conversation about wedding. And on top of it, he is cheating on her. She wants to know if she should continue
with the relationship or kick the guy to the curb. So, I ask her, “How many times
has he cheated on you?” She says, “At least four times.” When a lady says “at least four times,” multiply that by two. It’s eight times. “Do you love him?” “Yes,” she replies. “Does he love you?” “He says he does, but his action does not show it.” “What action specifically?” “The cheating.” “If you loved someone, would you cheat on them? If you truly loved someone, would you cheat on them at least four times multiplied by two?” She says, “No.” Well, if your answer is “no,”
then you know what to do. True love that is not
backed up by the right action is not true love. Another client says he is happy in his relationship, he loves his girl, but he is cheating on the side
with a married woman, and they are both in love together. And he does not know
how he got himself in this situation. I say, “You know how
you got yourself in this mess. You shifted your focus
from your girl to someone else. You divided your
attention and your emotions. Someone who used to hold
the first priority on your heart no longer holds that position. That’s how you got yourself in this mess. So what do you want to do?” He says he would like the married woman
to be able to manage the situation. “What do you mean by this?” Well, every time the woman
is with her husband, she always thinks about him, and he does not want
the husband to get suspicious so that he does not stop the affair. I’m like, “Wait a minute! So you want to continue having
this affair with this woman?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Really? How would your girlfriend
feel about this? Put yourself in her shoes. You have a boyfriend who says
he is happy with you, he is in love with you, but at the same time, he is cheating with someone else
that he is falling in love with. Can you actually love two people
at the same time?” He says, “I don’t want any changes. I just want the situation
to remain the same. I want to keep both women in my life.” I say, “Wow! You are just like McDonald’s slogan: you are lovin’ it. Aren’t you?” Love is powerful. According to a survey, about 9 out of 10 Americans cited love as an important
factor to get married. Past statistics show
that 50% of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and a stagering high
of 73% of third marriages end in divorce. The question is, If love is an important factor that influences people to get married, how come it does not hold the marriage? How come it does not hold
the relationship together? When we examine love in a break up, I believe one of three
things has happened. It’s either: one, there was no love at the beginning
of the relationship to start with; two, there was something bigger than the love
that broke the relationship; or three, the love declined. I can understand when you feel
like your love is depreciating and you tell your partner,
“I just don’t love you right now,” especially, when you are
having a meal together and your partner becomes
inquisitive to ask why because he just ate
the last piece of the pie – “If you loved me,
you would let me have it.” That’s what you say. Right, ladies? At the same token, I believe there is nothing
bigger than love that can break a relationship – absolutely nothing – if the couple truly loves each other. And that is what I want
to talk to you about today: true love. There are different types
of love out there. You have the philia love, which is brotherly love. It is what you share with your family,
friends or colleagues. Another one is eros. It is a sexual type of love. It gives the feelings of arousal. This is what you feel when you see a beautiful
sexy person just walking past, and you are like,
“Oh, oh ma ma ma ma ma.” You cannot stop looking at them. You cannot hold yourself together. You begin to fantasise and have all kinds
of imagination about that person. You are having eros type of love. The next one is what
Mary J. Blige calls “real love.” You all know the song! “Real love,
oh I’m searching for a real love, someone to make
my heart feel real love.” And we are still trying to understand
what she meant by “real love.” You see, all these types of love
cannot sustain a relationship. They cannot hold a relationship together. But true love, which the Bible also
describes as agape love, can hold a relationship together, can keep a relationship for a long haul. What is true love? True love is passionate love. You have two independent words,
passion and love, fused together to make
a strong definition. Passion is the force that drives
the love for something; it is the flow that keeps love going. Love without passion is
like a body without a soul. It is like a car without an engine. No movement would happen. And just in case you are wondering how you can tell
if someone truly loves you or if you truly love someone: sacrifice. Sacrifice for one another would indicate
if you truly loved each other. And sacrifice is giving up something for another thing
that is far more important. Just like giving up that piece of pie
for your girl that is far more important. Or it is the release
of something in your possession in an exchange for another
thing that you love. This is exactly what God did when he released and sacrificed
his only son, Jesus, just to have us. “For God so loved the world
that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him will not
perish but have everlasting life.” God demostrated true love – agape love. Love filled with passion and sacrifice. I had an opportunity
to demonstrate my true love. I was in college, I enjoyed galvanizing
people for networking, and I did this by throwing parties. And if you know one thing
about throwing parties, the more women you have there,
the more men want to come in, spend money at the bar,
buy drinks, buy bottles. So my goal, every time,
is to have as many ladies at the party. This, however, opens the door
to always have women around me. I remember after throwing a party, three women that do not know each other say they want to spend
the night at my house. They wake up in the morning, one begins to feed me breakfast. The second one gets jealous. She goes into the kitchen. Grabs food.
Comes back. She starts to feed me. The third one looking like,
“This is crazy. Should I join the party or what?” I am thinking to myself,
“It’s all a dream.” But no, it’s a reality. I’m like Hugh Hefner
up in my house with the bunnies. But that reality was short-lived, as I meet a girl
that I am truly in love with, and she is truly
in love with me as well. But she does not like
the lifestyle that I am living. She does not want to compete
with any other woman. This is a deal breaker for her, and, of course, it is
an odd situation for me because that means that I am going to have
to give up throwing parties and spending time with other women so that I can have and keep her. So I begin to analyse the situation. What am I going to do? Who or what should I pick? Her over them or them over her? This is my kairos moment. My moment of decision. This is where true love
and sacrifice come into play. So I made a decision and a sacrifice to give up both throwing parties
and spending time with other women so that I can have and keep this girl
that I am truly in love with. A few years later, we got married and we have two beautiful
amazing children together. You see, true love
is the only type of love that can keep and sustain a relationship. It will help you to make
the ultimate sacrifice, to give up playing games,
quit destructive habits and seek counselling when you can
to acquire tools and knowledge in order for you to have
a healthy relationship. Because of the love problems
that people are having is the reason why I wrote my book, “Revelations of Relationship – What you don’t know about finding true
love and sustaining relationship.” I want to admonish you all to find and practice true love
in your relationship. Cheers to your improvement. (Applause)

100 thoughts on “How To Tell If Someone Truly Loves You | Femi Ogunjinmi | TEDxXavierUniversity

  1. came to hear to read the comments women made! so typical .
    blame the guy all women are for it.
    if he used used a woman as the cheater for an example i would hardly think they would have replied this way.
    when a woman cheating is normally ok

  2. This guy definitely got the worst audience. If I was there you'd here my laugh even if I was all the way back coz they're so damn silent

  3. We all know for sure that No one deserves to be cheated on, especially when your full loyalty lies with the betrayer of your trust. Initially, I thought I was just feeling insecure when my wife would just be on his phone at odd hours, until I decided to take a chance to know, knowing is better than self doubts and it was exactly what happened when I employed the services of this particular hacker (Richie)I came across by chance to help check her phone out intoto. Now I know when shes telling the truth and how to curtail her,I think it is not a drastic step if it'll make you feel better. My life got better, I stopped using my precious time to bother about her indiscretions and channelled my energy positively. Their services includes: phone calls, messages, contacts, social media(viber, whatsapp,facebook,kik e.t.c), emails, all other hacking and web hacking issues.
    You can reach him via Gmail:

    [email protected] . comm

  4. wow what a great speaker . we all deserved love and honesty from our partner and some respect .This video everyone must watch.

  5. This guy nailed it to sacrifice is to truly love especially ones life for someone else Gods love is the glue that holds it together awesome…..

  6. Thank u my brother 4 this video..i have been shared the same thg wht u is say wit to of my friends and thy keep on just to find a behavior to cheat making all kind of excuses but I thank you for this video because I understand true love

  7. The audience is dry because he’s got his Nigerian accent popping. They don’t know how to react to an accent that’s not “American” what a shame!

  8. If they sacrifice and do everything explained yet still cheat then what? Where are we left. Do they love but dont love us? I love this talk. But im always questioning other scenerios.

  9. Loved this talk. A shame about the lack of response from the audience 🙁 I'm thankful for God's AGAPE love and for the self-sacrificing love of my husband that is shown in all his actions xx

  10. Respect is the foundation of all relationships. If you don’t respect your partner, then you’ll wild out in the relationship.

  11. In life, we're gonna find a person that will give us the type of life we want and the type of love we want, if we're lucky, we might get both, but if we had to choose, choose love, 'cause beauty will cease, our bodies will deteriorate with time, some of our assets will no longer be useful, and that big ol'house will be empty without love. ✌

  12. I think that even if you and your partner truly love each other, there could still be something bigger that could destroy your realitionship

  13. The audience were confused. Obviously the Nigerian guy, going by his names (Femi Ogunjinmi), doesn't sound like one of them. I am glad my country-man did not attempt to fake it.

  14. If you're man or woman has cheated even ONCE, let them go. Who wants to be with someone who's fcuked someone else!?!

    If your partner says they love and adore you but still have doubts that you are the right choice for them, they aren't in love with you passionately.

    If they can listen to the problems of other women or men, but not you, you are NOT a priorty and they don't truly love you.

    If they love you less than you love them, they need to let you go so you can find someone who WILL love you equally and with all of their heart.

    If they question you're every move with high levels of distrust, that's not real love. They are belittling you and making you into an awful person to justify their lack of love and so they can move to the next person and blame the failure of your relationship on YOU.

    If they joke about being with other people or having multiple girl or boyfriends, they are playing games with your mind… most definitely not love!

    Recognize these things. Real love is passionate, makes both people happy, it works through the good times and really hard times without anyone running away to hide. Real love doesn't ignore when angry, it doesn't hit or scream.

    Trust, respect, honesty, loyalty, faithfulness and the ability to manage conflicts and put effort into making things work is LOVE.

    Never settle for less! Ever!

  15. polyamory is possible for some people, please don't tell them what they have is not true love please because you have different beliefs

  16. Quick question if anyone wants to answer. Let’s say they do sacrifice something for you but have an attitude about it the whole time? And hold a grudge about it. Cuz they did sacrifice this thing but they seem more bummed about it.

  17. Shout out to my ex who probably wouldn't even sacrifice or give up a third kidney if it meant saving me.

  18. the lose the audience, there are no interest he is confident and good looking but he is just talking I feel like a school teacher giving kids a lecture it's just boring. he would pull the audience by showing pictures and giving examples saying a joke

  19. It all starts with a thought, like most things do. If you don’t have grasp of your thoughts and feelings, then you will follow them. Bad thoughts= bad reactions (good=good etc). If you choose to love someone, it has to be something you choose daily (life’s hard, it’s easy, it’s a bad day, whatever!) The moment you choose not to love them, the process starts and eventually you won’t… it all starts in your own head. You choose where your thoughts lead you. And if both of you choose love daily, then you will always have it… no matter what life around you looks like at the time. Love is a constant sacrifice, but for those who find true love, it doesn’t feel that way… it’s a constant win and it’s quite beautiful (bad days and all!) Thank you for this Ted Talk. Loved it!

  20. If ego makes you question if you love….then you do not love. Using the story as told to show martyrdom is narcissistic.

  21. But what about people who are completely unlovable? The person who would make even the smallest sacrifices for me does not exist.

  22. He had some good information to talk about. I think he made some valid points about true love that most people are unaware of. Sacrifice is for the betterment of the relationship. For instance, I’ve made my fair share of sacrifices as well as my husband has throughout the years, and I can honestly say that I love him unconditionally. Make sure you have clear Boundaries in place in the beginning of a relationship. Having Heathy Boundaries can guide you either towards a relationship or away from it. Note: Never lower your values for anyone and if the person doesn’t love and respect you, then they are not the person for you.
    I also believe that Marriage requires patience and the willingness to learn more about how to be a better person individually as well as towards one another while getting through the rough times, especially if you came from broken homes or dysfunctional families!

  23. Does he try to tell me, the concept "monogamy" – based on artifical terms like moral and ethic; what by the way is the oposite of mother nature's law – is a signal/proof for real love?

  24. Blah, blah, blah. Actions speaks loader than words. Oh wait we already new that.

    He also talks about sacrifice. Which is misleading. If only one of the persons in the relation is doing all of the sacrificing. It ain't going to last. He needed to talk about compromising too.

    You don't look back at a marriage of 50 years and say it was an accomplishment of love & happiness. No you say it was an accomplishment of hard work and willingness to compromise.

    Also note: All the women in the comments. Here just talking about the audience. If the talk was that great why does the audience matter?

  25. Not so much about loving two people, it’s that he’s okay hurting the one who’s devoted to him by being selfish.

  26. Most of these Tedx talks are crazy people blathering about nothing. This man has the Word of God in his heart and the ability to share.
    It would be my guess that what he said went over their heads or they resented the Bible being used because more and more we're a nation of lost people.

  27. Do I really need his help no be strong enough to say goodbye peace .wants his cake and eat it to Linda j ☮️ ❤️💯 💯💯 💯💯 💯

  28. True love comes from God your soul is working I'm so glad God tought me what real life if love is a great feeling in your heart and soul joy God at work 🙏 changes things Linda j ☮️❤️ ❤️💯 💯❤️

  29. Well just realized that no girl has ever truly loved me then, I was always willing to make sacrifices but not the other way around, that sucks.

  30. my ex left because he said he knows I would sacrifice anything to be with him and its unhealthy…only thing unhealthy about it is that he would never do the same for me

  31. Boy:”I wanna keep both the women “
    He :” wow ! U r just like MC Donald’s . U r loving it “
    🤣🤣I cant stop laughing

  32. Eighteen years ago, I read the best definition of passion: The willingness to endure a high degree of difficulty for the one that is loved.

    How many times do we say we are passionate about someone or something and then give up when the going gets tough because it's not worth the pain and sacrifice.

  33. The only love that can keep and a sustain a relationship is true love which is define as Sacrificial love with passion.

  34. The fact that no body was laughing, I don’t even have to explain the racism. His talk was as good as his skin. Rich and beautiful 🥰

  35. TL,DW:"A good relationship is about sacrifice. I found a woman I loved, and to show her I loved her I stopped banging other women. Also: stuff about God."

  36. This isn't audience participation night. The audience is supposed sit and listen. Why are the comments complaining about the audience?

  37. Ted Talks are absolutely wonderful. Enrichment from each speaker and the perspectives from not only feedback but, questions from diverse freethinking mindsets. Ones I now pose myself because of Ted Talks.

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