Hey, Google. How to know you’re in love?
OK. What’s up, everybody? Tanvir Ahmed here.
Welcome back to another video. And if you’re new here, I’ve got some good news and some
bad news. Mostly bad news. If you try to Google “how to know you’re
in love,” you’re gonna have a bad time. Because it’s mostly shit advice.
Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about.
“They’re always on your mind.” Uh-huh. This is infatuation.
If someone’s “always” on your mind, you’re not thinking about other really important
things. And that’s a problem. Real love fits into real life, rather than
usurping it. It’s calm, not overwhelming. “You crave them” or “you can’t get
enough of them.” Rewind and watch the first one again.
“They are your ‘everything’.” Once again, infatuation.
“You see them in your future.” This. This is legit. I mean, I dunno. If you
fantasize long and hard enough, you can probably see anything in your future — I mean
I could see myself moving to Switzerland to become a goat farmer. That doesn’t mean
I should. The problem is we’ve turned “love” into
a game of escapism, and we measure potential partners by how well they fit into that fantasy.
And that’s not love. “They’re the person of your dreams.”
Same thing as the previous one. “You always want them around.”
Hahaha. Clearly you’ve never been in a healthy long-term relationship.
You should usually want to see your partner. But loving isn’t always wanting to. Sometimes
you need a minute. Sometimes you need to work or do other things. Or, heck, just be.
Don’t think that it’s not love just because sometimes you want some space.
“You’ll do whatever it takes to impress them.”
Well. That’s scary. Why are you trying so hard? Loving isn’t
“impressing.” “You’re scared.”
“Of losing her, of never being with another woman… the list goes on.”
Healthy love doesn’t involve the fear of loss. That’s attachment.
It also doesn’t involve the fear of “never being with another woman.” I don’t even
know what that is. Low self-esteem? Lack of conviction?
“You’re jealous.” This is attachment again, not mature love.
“They are beautiful.” And you are an idiot.
“They are kind.” Well. Glad you’re getting your emotional
needs met. But this just means that they are deserving
of love. It doesn’t mean that you are loving them.
“You just… You just know.” Well. Thank you for the most unhelpful advice
ever. Don’t perpetuate nonsense and call it “romance”
just because you don’t have suitable answers. OK. So the next two shit advice that I’m
gonna share with you aren’t entirely shit advice because they have a good side to it
and a bad side. So they’re more like 50:50 and you’re… you’ll know what I mean
in a second. “They are the best part of your day.” Now, if you’re happy with your life and your partner adds to it, then congrats. You
win. However, if you’re unhappy and using your
partner as an oasis, then you need to get your shit together.
“You prioritize them.” Now, it’s good if you actually care about
their wants and their needs, and you prioritize them in a way that doesn’t tear you down.
But it’s bad if you compromise on your own wants and your own needs, and you base your
value on your ability to “keep them happy.” Now, let’s move on to how to know that you
“like” them as a person. They’re different than everyone else.
Good on them. You like more than just their looks.
Congrats, there may be hope for you yet. You want them to be happy.
Great. I want happiness for most people. You’ll try new things with them.
So you found someone with whom you’re comfortable, and whose company you enjoy. Good on you.
They inspire you to be a better person. Role models have that effect on us, too. That
doesn’t mean we love them. Alright. Since you made it this far. You are
ready. Let’s talk about how to really know you love them.
You know because you decide. You don’t feel love. You DO it. It’s an
act, not a feeling. It’s a moment by moment decision and re-commitment. You know because
it’s deliberate and conscious. You know because you DO the act of loving.
You invest. You exert effort. You don’t knowingly do harm. You aren’t
petty, vengeful, manipulative, or jealous. Their needs never seem irritating. You aren’t
needy with them, their time, or their affection in return. You are secure without demanding
constant reassurance. You prioritize their viewpoints. You learn
their love language. You think in terms of their interests, and not yours, and their
needs are your own. You support them. You back them. You care and take care. You accept,
and you allow. You know because you do the act of loving
even when you don’t want to. Because everyone thinks they’re in love
when it’s clear skies and calm waters, but watch them when the storm hits.
You know because you love even when you’re pissed. You love if you don’t “fight”;
you disagree. You love if your objective is reaching an
agreement, not picking a winner. You love if you don’t get defensive, insecure,
or manipulative. If you don’t keep score. If you don’t hold grudges. If you don’t
“take back your love” as punishment. You love if you seek to understand before
being understood; you listen and honor what they share — and you don’t double
down with your own issues. You love if you act like you’re on the same team. You listen.
You compromise. You apologize. You forgive. You know because you love even when you’re
hurt. Especially honoring and respecting their wants and their needs even when they include
“breaking up.” What we should really be Googling is “how
to love,” not “how to ‘know’ we’re in love.”
We tend to differentiate between “being in love with” and “loving” someone.
But “being in love with” is infatuation, and infatuation means nothing in getting real
love. So if what you want is real love, then “how
to love” is all that matters. You “know” because you decide. It’s
love only when you do it. All the time. That’s it for me, guys. I hope you enjoyed
this video. I hope you got something out of it. I hope you liked it. Hit that liked button
if you did. Subscribble and hit the bell if you haven’t already. And I will see you
in the next one.