Harry Potter and the Too-Long Broadway Show – The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder

Harry Potter and the Too-Long Broadway Show – The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder


Jay showed me one of
my favorite videos that I’ve only watched five
seconds of up in the office. Yeah, we both had to be like … Yeah, it’s just too good
for the show, that he found
on World Star Uncut. Well, that’s what World Star
takes it to when it’s a not safe
for work video. Got it. You all know, if you’re
loyal campers, this is a big … well, this is a room divided
into being into titty fucking and not being
into titty fucking. We even named a new sex act
the Alabama Caesar. That’s when
you’re tit fucking and- Reverse direction. … reverse direction
and then the girl eats butt. We were up in the office
before the show. I asked Black Lou. I was like,
“Did you get some Red Dead in,” because you got into it,
but you’re not into it? No.
Red Dead Redemption 2. You’re just not into it.
I don’t dislike it at all. It’s just I feel like
I’m watching a movie that I can’t interact
with enough. Even though Jay’s side piece,
Shane, criticized me
for Nightfall’s name. Nightfall’s doing very well.
I want everyone to know that. Is he really? And Justin came over and it- I named mine Dangler.
… Yeah. Hell yeah. That’s what I named him,
Dangler. I got it today. Yeah. Dangler? Got a horse and I named Dangler. It’s pretty good.
Does it have a dangler? No. You know what?
This game’s so smart. None of the other cowboys seem
to get it, how funny it was. The guy who I bought it from,
who I had to name it before I took it from him, you think he would have been
like good night, man. Oh, he does. Dangler. Look at that.” Hey. He does have a giant dick. That’s balls on the wall humor,
son. Yeah. If you could put the dirty
jokes in Arthur Morgan’s mouth. Yeah. He really does have
a giant old dick. But I asked Black Lou. I was like, “Did you play
Red Dead Redemption 2?” He was like, “Nah man.”
Was it all in-laws all weekend? Yeah. The in-laws came up. Oh, shit. We had a nice
New York City weekend. Yeah. You went and saw
Harry Potter. Yeah. Harry Potter
was a marathon. That’s not how
you want to be told … As they say man,
all Broadway shows are … They’re not sprints man.
They’re marathons. Isn’t that what they say
about Broadway shows? Yeah. I think that’s exactly
what they say. How long was it?
The total runtime? Total runtime, I think,
was like five and a half- Get the fuck out of here. I’m dead serious. Hell yeah. Five and a half hours? Five and a half hours?
No. Mm-hmm (affirmative). How much do you have … You have to really love Harry
Potter and let me just say- Is it all fucking nine books?
… Is it the full story? I’ve never seen
any Harry Potters. Dude, if I went to a Harry
Potter play and they go, “On the day he was born,
Harry Potter got …” Ah, we’re going back to born?
I’m out. I need this kid around
middle school at least. When does he start wizarding?
And they go, “I don’t know. 15?” You go, “Fast forward” I want to see when he gets
that crack in the head that makes him with the thing. What gives him his powers. Yeah. What gives him his powers and then a fucking owl
better come through the window. I’ve never seen
any Harry Potter. I don’t know the story at all,
so I want to go in blind. I’ve just been waiting
for this moment. Fuck the movies. Fuck the books. I got one day this- I have to ingest this
as a Broadway show. … I need musical breaks
in order to really let it soak in.
I need them. If that doesn’t become a thing
that when you can remember to say to people
when someone goes, “Did you read the book?” He goes, “Nah. I’m waiting
for the Broadway musical.” Whatever they say. At whatever age they decide
to make it because they’re
popping up now. Rocky? Didn’t care for it.
Then saw the musical. Loved it. He goes, “Did you read that book
that John McCain wrote before he died?” Then he goes, “Oh.
I’m waiting for the musical.” I heard American Sniper
is going to previewed on the Chris Kyle story.
I’m excited to read it. They’re having
a lot of problems. There’s a lot of harness
work in this. Didn’t even care for Spiderman
until the Broadway musical. It was worth it. The hell is Spiderman?
Oh, Spiderman is a superhero. Oh my God. Thank you Bono and Edge. Thanks for scoring it.
How long was the intermission? Intermission was two hours. What?
What the fuck? What? Do you go home and shower
and fucking call your family? You were seven hours there? Yeah. You change uniforms? They go, “You are now allowed
to change your diapers after watching us
prance around.” Dude, fuck Harry Potter. I suggest going outside
and punching each other’s legs to wake them back up. You should all march somewhere.
Get the blood down to your feet. Two-hour intermission? Yeah. So it went to first- That’s a workday.
Yeah. A workday. … Basically, yeah. You should have robbed a bank
and had an alibi. You really do. But we had a little
10-minute break in between the first
and second part and then there was
a two-hour intermission and then we had to come back
and do that and then there was
another 10-minute intermission, then close it out. Was it worth it? Was it your in-laws
the entire trip? Yeah. Was it the entire time
they were here? They go, “We landed in LaGuardia
at 8:25. We feel like we can get
to Harry Potter 9 AM.” Yeah. Harry Potter is as long
as an Indian wedding. Yeah. But yeah.
The show was pretty good. It’s basically Harry’s kids.
All the kids having kids now. It’s not even the fucking
H man himself? Nah, dude. You think HP is
showing up for Broadway dude? Wow. When Harry Potter
was question, he said, “Broadway? Sounds pretty gay.”
Potter. Potter. Mr. Potter. I think he comes back
in the Bruce Springsteen way. Oh, it is now a feminist
at Hogwarts. I don’t know the terminology. What do you call them?
Lady boys? Hogwarts was different
when I was there. He’s become an old salty
fucking wizard. Hey. Wizards. That’s for queers. Sound like a regular old
confused Johnathan. You sound like a scared Timothy. I don’t understand. It’s two and a half hours
the first part of the play, then you take a two-hour break and then you come back for
another two and a half hours? Yeah. Do you compress?
Do you go to therapy? What’s the fucking ticket cost? It was up there. Really?
Are you willing to divulge? Honestly, because we had
to get them like a- Hundreds a piece? Yes.
A piece? Yes.
Hundreds a piece? 100% hundreds a piece.
You fucking magic nerds. Take it as someone that’s
never watched Harry Potter. That shit’s dumb
and I like wrestling. You should have went to McKamey
Manor for that kind of money. You would have much
more of an experience. Yeah. You get an inbred guy
yelling at you while you eat fucking goat. Yeah. It’s less torturous
for them to stuff you inside of a dead yak
than it would be for this. Yeah. I would rather be brought
to hallucinations than watch that … Is there a trailer for this? There’s also options
for the tickets, so you can buy part one
and two together and go on the same day
or consecutive days. How about they sit in the
sucker section where Lou went. Or the people go separately too. You go day one and then fucking
go home and really decompress, have a bottle of wine,
talk about what you saw. oh my God.
Part one and two together. That’s what you did.
Yeah. That’s what I did.
Yeah. Yeah. Man. What’d you do
when you went home? Just yell into a pillow?
Ah! He was like,
“I fucking can’t take it!” Your wife should have blown you
in intermission for doing with her family.
Here’s the trailer. Yes, please. Yeah, let’s go. Harry.
Harry Potter. Is it singing? There is no singing.
I wouldn’t have gone. No singing. I would not have gone.
I don’t do musicals. It’s not a musical. Well then, it’s not
Broadway friend. It’s nothing
that’s ever arrived. You’re going to see the part
that really threw me off. There’s a lot of dancing. If I could say it real quick. Listen, I’m all
for the betterment of my fellow
African-Americans doing well as far as
Hollywood is concerned. I think it’s great that they had
an African-American woman and child in here.
That’s fantastic. What? But, they took Hermione, which was one of the main
characters from the original … It was a white girl
and now she’s like- Emma something. … an older black woman and I
could not catch up to that shit. I couldn’t wrap
my head around it. So every time she was
in a scene, I got lost. Would you accept it
if they wrote dialogue to it where they were like, “Oh, you did the old spell
of black sassy. You can make delicious
fried things now.” And I’m waiting for it
to wear off, so I can get back
to my ginger ass self. One of them
cracka ass Slytherins. I’ll tell you what happened
Harry. One of these young wizard
mother fuckers come done along and turned me
into an old black woman. I swear to god. Everyone knows Hermione.
Hermione got the curse of Madea. She got it and then is now
an old black woman. Where my family? Where that
no good Harry Potter at? Running around
with his nonsense. Got a tattoo on his forehead. Crazy white boy shit.
Flying around on a broomstick. You know I love you Hermione. I know you do Harry. Get over here.
Give your bear some sugar. I know you meant well.
You one of the good ones. Bring that pink wand ass
over here. So, it fucked you up
when you saw it? It really fucked me up
and I wanted to be so proud. She acted her ass off.
She was fantastic, I tell you. It just threw you off that … Yeah because she’s married
to Ron Weasley and then they’re daughter …
Ron’s a redhead in the play and then they’re daughter
is darker than I. She looks like she was adopted
just by the mom, like they got together after … And they’re fucking the
[Darryl 00:08:56]. Fucking Ron Weasley
is not asking any questions. He’s Ron Weasley. He’s just accepting it like
Me, Myself and Irene. Ron Weasley is like,
“I just love her. I love her
and she stays with me.” Well, if she says it’s mine,
it’s mine because I don’t know man,
we’re all magic. Probably that can happen. It’s that guy on that
World Star clip I was trying to show you,
where the guy gets cheated on and he just keeps
just fucking taking it. Just goes complete … He was like, “I came back a day
early, she’s cheating on me and she apologized
and I accepted it.” Oh, no. No. Ron Weasley. Weasley. Man, that’s
a real commitment. Did you wife do horrible,
awful, wonderfully, gross sexual things
with you after that, for that? Who pushed it though?
Whose idea was it? No? No. It was her.
She’s a big Harry Potter fan. She’s a Harry Potter head? Big time. Yeah. She’s a potter head? Really? She did nothing after
putting you through that? Yeah. I didn’t … I sat through a Florence
and the Machine concert. I’ve been trying
to make Christine take a fist for two weeks.
She owes me. Oh. This is the guy
where he explains that how he’s still with his- What’d you do in
between the thing? Start a new life? Basically, yeah.
Just went to dinner. We had a full french dinner. French dinner. In between the show?
In between the show. He goes, “One of the most
complicated cuisines that needs to be explained.
Actually, we had one of those.” Sir, the souffle is going
to take 45 minutes. He goes, “I hope
because you know what? I’ll take mine well done.” He goes, “Well, I don’t know. Harry Potter
and his old black wife aren’t going to be back
til 9:00.” Lou’s talking like that. Then, he’s like,
“I do not understand. Shouldn’t you be happy
for the diversity in Broadway? A classically racist place. It is nice that another
black woman gets work.” No? It’s good. I don’t know. The frog legs will be right out. Can we tease things we’re going
to talk about tomorrow? Tomorrow, Autumn Rowe
is on Dr. Phil. Today and tomorrow and that’s going to be
a whole fucking episode because by the way,
it’s out there and then you see the boyfriend,
you see her dad. You watched a little bit of it? Yeah. Well, of course,
we’re talking about Autumn Rowe who’s the girl
that keyed the car and who said my Dr. Phil
impression is trash, so she is an enemy of the state.
Nah, it’s trash. We can tease this for tomorrow. We only have about 10 minutes.
Bring up the Autumn Rowe video. The original.
Bring up the original video. Dude, you know this.
If we open a bag of this … No, the original video. The original video. Oh, she’s talking
about the abuse? No.
Oh, of her keying the car. I’ve lost my mind! Yeah.
I lost my mind! Yeah. I lost my mind! Lost my mind. Oh, there she is. We could take gambles here on
how we think this Dr. Phil goes. I think Dr. Phil … Obviously, the boyfriend’s
the bad guy because we already know she- Let me leave.
You’re kidnapping me. Bruh. Dude, how great. Can we match up him
with the titty fucking girl? Can we match up
that audio of him? You’re kidnapping me.
She’s like, “Let me up.” Let me leave.
You’re kidnapping me. They’re taking my car. I lost my mind! I don’t give a fuck.
I lost my mind. Yeah. She’s on Dr. Phil.
It’s a two-parter, right? It’s Monday and Tuesday.
She’s called in. Really? Yeah. We got the exclusive. They interview her,
they interview her dad, they interview her boyfriend. What’s her dad say?
What about the car? Oh, yeah. She’s a real dip.
Do they interview the guy that was working at enterprise
that was running the car? He goes, “Well, it was
a long Thursday. We got it back all keyed up.” It was not a touch-up
paint situation. This thing had to go back in
on a real panel. As you know, we only charge you
when it’s golf ball sized damage and this had a lot of it. There’s no bad press
because she called Lou or texted Lou
just to say my Dr. Phil’s on. Yeah. It’s pretty crazy. It’s pretty crazy
that she is like … She better learn how to rap. Yeah. Dude, if she’s rapping, she’s about to take off
Bhad Bhabie. She get some sick ass lyrics
behind her. She’s a cute girl. She goes, “Do you got bars? And we’re going to be
right back on Dr. Phil.” Next one is called
I’m Losing My Mind. I’m fucking losing my mind. I’m losing my mind.
I’m losing my mind. I’m losing my mind. All right. All right.
I can see you being a singer. Would you want to be
in a five-part harmony I’m putting together. I got a bunch of girls
that are basically feral animals and I’m going to put them
in a girl group and I feel like you
could be the head. You’re Dr. Phil’s trash. Oh, I love that fighting spirit.
You’re nuts, huh? I do want a taste. Go to the beginning. There it is. There she is.
That’s our angel. Hi.
I’m Dr. Phil and I didn’t know that this summer was going to be
the weirdest summer of my life. Him doing fun
teenage video voiceovers. Stop right there. Yeah, I’m giving you
the Deadpool treatment. I’m Dr. Phil. She said her dad’s a racist,
so we know how A got to B. He goes, “If you put
your foot down, they run right into
the arms of a guy that …” Yeah. And her dad
does look like a racist. Just the way he looks. Man, we’re going to need
a six-hour episode to get through this. Can we get the full episodes?
Can you just pull it? Yeah. Hey Lou? Black Lou, you want to get
your in-laws for this one? They go, “I won’t listen
to the radio show.” He goes, “What if I told you
it had a seven and a half hour episode
with this french meal in there.” We get to break for a little
French meal in between. A little croissant.
A little croissant. Maybe some Poulet. Some La Petite Filet. Ah, that beef steak. Here we go. That one’s on me. I would like to see a seven-hour
Broadway play about a magic boy. A magic boy who has married
to an old black woman. Both taste and I am just
lonely restaurant owner. When we break, I take you
to a little café for a [inaudible 00:14:38]. But I like to know that the
mixed family go to see the play. This man is a very
punchable fellow. I don’t know. If I’m met a man as foolish,
it is damn kissable. Say what? Hold on, sir?
You want me to kiss you? I want to kiss you right here. You want to kiss me right here?
That’d be a great thing. In front of my wife. Then, she comes out and starts
rapping in the background. Aw.
Two mother kisses. I lost my fucking mind. I lost my fucking mind.
I lost my fucking mind. I lost my fucking mind. I lost my fucking mind. All right y’all! Y’all losing your minds
out there! Hey. What.
What. What. I am a music mogul. He’s the new Lou Pearlman. I put ’em together.
You buy the albums.

30 thoughts on “Harry Potter and the Too-Long Broadway Show – The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder

  1. whats up. im a 15 year old stand up comic and i would love if you would check out my stuff !!!! https://youtu.be/0QYywjK2a6E

  2. First time hearing these guys and I'm hooked😂😂 Harry Potter ATCC didn't seem too long. It moved along well. But damn, good slams😂

  3. Dan STILL feeling the sting of Autumn calling his Dr. Phil impression trash. Lol.
    Jay's face when he said, You want me to kiss you?" LOL.

    I fucking love all these clips that have been uploaded. PLEASE keep them coming!!!!🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

  4. As a kid I got the first book as a gift from my grandma, and I felt the exact fucking same way. All this preamble, get to the point. I was at my grandma's so I pretended to read it to page 16, then closed the book and said I'd read it later.

  5. I thought I was the only one who hasn't seen harry potter… boooooo… I've given it a valiant effort…. MORE THAN TWICE! However… I get some sweet sweet sleep during tht flick…

  6. I'm just waiting on someone to rewrite the entirety of harry potter but with Hermione as a sassy black woman.

    Someone get on this, it's fucking comedy gold.

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