(H3 Podcast theme song) Ethan: So, uh… *coughing* *clears throat* Ethan: That’s not the beginning *chuckle* Michael: It could- it should be! Ethan: Heh … … it might be. Ethan: Lemme just pull up … Ethan: I got notes here. Ethan: I fuckin’ came prepared for your ass!
Michael: Aw man! Hila: *laughing* Ethan: So, welcome, everybody, … … to the H3 Podcast Ethan: This is actually our first podcast in the studio—but it’s not the first episode. Michael: I was going to ask. Ethan: We’re … it’s a little strange… … how we’re doing it. Michael: Alright, at first I was like, “Am I the first guest ever?” Ethan: In the set! Michael: In the set… Ethan: Which is pretty special! You fuckin’– Hila: It– you’re pretty much are the first guest Ethan: You broke the cherry on that purple couch, dude. Michael: When I saw the…picture…that you posted on Twitter this morning of this, and how new it was, I was like….”Lot of responsibility! I can’t mess this up! They can’t have a bad first ep in the set!” Ethan: So you’re not the first ep, so the pressure is off. But you are the first- Michael: Who have you interviewed so far? Ethan: So Felix, AKA PewDiePie–maybe you’ve heard of him. Ummm… Michael: I thought it was– Ethan: Swedish; Ethan: He plays- he plays Michael: ‘pew-pube-dat-die’? Ethan: poo- poopy– Ethan: He plays Happy Wheels on Youtube [Hila Chuckles] That’s what he’s known for– Michael: Happy Meals? Ethan: Happy Meals. Ummm He was our first guest– He was here in L.A. shooting “Scare Pewdiepie” Michael: Right. Ethan: And so we had to, like, squeeze him in before he left,– Michael: Cool. Ethan: So we went to his apartment and shot him. Really, really quite ghetto-ily. [Awkward pause, as Michael completely misses Ethan’s goof on “shooting ghetto-ily”] Michael: Also, also, do you guys wanna remove the labels on your water bottles. Or are you sponsored by Mountain Spring Trader Joes?
Ethan: [in background] That’s so- That’s so…That’s- yeah– Ethan: [voice trailing in from background] That’s smart–I just- I took it out of the shot entirely. [Mountain Spring Trader Joe’s Water bottle crinkles] Ethan: But, you know what, fuckin’ Trader Joe’s Natural Spring Water– You have to fuckin’ PAY to get in the show. Michael: Yeah. Ethan: AHHH Hila: Got ’em [ROASTED] Ethan: Now when people- when people censor the brands That’s not because you can’t show brands, it’s because they want to get paid. Michael: (water in mouth) Google that. [spitting on microphone] Ethan: M’kay this is fuck- You’re the worst first guest ever [Hila giggle] Ethan: Michael’s just spitting on our microphone ruining our equipment. Michael: No, people will love that. People will be meme-ing that. Ethan: Yea you’re gonna be uh- No one- People will never forget that moment What’s the deal? You can show brands in videos. Hila: I think. Ethan: You just- They just want to get paid, that’s why they remove it. Hila: I think that’s what it is. Michael: Well, I mean, also, you might have competing brands, you know, Dasani comes along and they say, “We want to put ads up on your stuff–WHAT? you got Trader Joe’s water on set?” Ethan: Yeah, “WHAT THE FUCK? Michael: Yeah. Ethan: Don’t you know we have BEEF with Trader Joes?”
Michael: OR- Michael: Or– you just said the F word; Trader Joe’s might say, “We cannot be going into that kind of a mouth. We don’t want our labels on that show.” So you… You’re saying Trader Joe’s could… Could remo- Could maybe sue us, cause I said “fuck”- next to “Trader Joe’s”? That doesn’t seem right. Is that what you’re saying? Michael: I don’t know if they would sue, but they might send you a letter that’s like, “Hey–
Ethan: “–We don’t appreciate you…” Michael: “–We don’t appreciate this. Our lawyers are ready to take action unless you stop associating our CLEAN, family-friendly water with your DIRTY…” Ethan: “…Your dirty Jew mouth.” Michael: Probably wouldn’t say that– Ethan: That’s what they–That’s what they were going to say You know what Trader Joe’s? Come at me dog. Fuck your water, and fuck your brand, ok? They make so many shitty products at Trader Joe’s, like- pretty much I like Trader Joe’s but they make a lot of garbage. Hila: Yeah they do
Ethan: And let’s be frank about that – I think we’ve all been wanting to get that off our chests for a while now. Michael: I think-
Ethan: Right? Michael: I think they might make a lot of literal garbage, just like everyone in the grocery industry, and all of us in our own homes; lotta waste- Lot of waste being produced–
Ethan: Nice twist, you’re trying to get off the hook for being liable against fucking slamming Trader Joe’s. Michael: But it’s also kind of a pun; like, you mean “garbage” as in “bad quality” Michael: But it’s also kind of a pun; like you mean “garbage” as in “bad quality,–”
Ethan: Yeah. Michael: I mean garbage as in “refuse that goes to landfills–” Ethan: Yeah, no I f- That is true, what are we going to do about that? Well first of all, I’m concerned about, like their bean dip. Like, they put a ton of sugar in their bean dip, and I’m going trying to get a good bean dip, and it just tast- it tastes like garbage. But you’re more concerned when I don’t- when I have one bite of the bean dip, throw it out and then what happens to it afterwards. Michael: I think I’m concerned. I think other people are more concerned than me, and I’m glad for that. [Michael chuckles]
Ethan: Yeah. Um… What do you think um… You think that’s a problem? Uh… All the plastic and waste, I mean are we- are we going towards- I’m wondering – I’m always wondering like – we as humans, and as a society – are we naturally going towards the solution? Or are we going more into the problem? Michael: That’s a really good question. We’re going to start right off with deep questions about the progress of history. Ethan: Yeah
Michael: I’m going to say- and I might feel differently tomorrow or when I’m older – I felt differently when I was younger – I don’t think we’re moving in a direction of progress; of things being better. I think natural selection is still working on us. I think we’re just doing whatever it takes for us to keep reproducing. And the same goes for ideas. The same goes for philosophies and isms. Umm… Sometimes, I can’t decide if particular, strategies, are like actual concepts that our smart brains came up with, or if it’s just us… behaving in ways that animals do. But since we have this concept of the future and the deep future we can think “Oh no no, it’s not just territorialism, it’s nationalism.” Ethan: Right
Michael: Or “it’s not just- it’s not just instinct, it’s like a thought out philosophy.” Ethan: We have a clever way of explaining our stupid behavior. As like- We’re humans and we have nations. We’re not just like gorillas who like this fucking, this two space between these two trees. Michael: Yeah but what’s the difference? Ethan: Yeah there’s not much of a difference. Nobody wants war… Nobody- everybody agrees that there’s certain, like, rights that people should have- But it’s like so- why- almost- the sense of a border almost becomes like… It’s obvious to everyone that borders are kind of a weird thing, right? On one hand. But at the other hand it’s like “fuck- fuck Mexico!” Borders are weird from one perspective, but they’re also- I just think, at this moment, they’re what has worked. There’s- they have, in many ways- eh- ah… They’re the reason our species is still thriving here on this planet… And I only say that, because we ARE still thriving on this planet. Ethan: Yeah we’re kind of good at that
Michael: And we’ve had bord- we didn’t have borders forever. Look at- I don’t really know how borders worked for, say, the Native Americans. Michael: I know, that, such things existed…
Ethan: Well- hmm… they probably had territory
Michael: Yeah. Hila: I was gonna say, I may not be here, without the borders in Israel. Ethan: Well you know what Robert Frost says, “good neighbors-” er- “good walls make good neighbors.” Michael: “Good FENCES make good neighbors.” Ethan: Don’t- come on! Don’t come on my own show and correct my misquotes of Robert Frost! Michael: What is this- what is a fence but a wall? A wall that’s kind of less committed to. Ethan: Yeah, a fence, you can peek over the top, though.
Michael: “‘Eh, you can see through this-‘ ‘Ahh just call it a fence.'” Ethan: You can be like “Yo dawg-”
Michael: I think- yeah, ten years in the future we might have a space elevator. Ethan: I looove the space elevator thing.
Michael: And we just take all that stuff, and we just slingshot it into the Sun. Ethan: Yes! Isn’t that the best use f- for space? Hila: *Giggle* Ethan: Like everybody- like I hear people saying like “what’s the big deal with exploration? What’s so valuable about space?” Let’s LAUNCH our garbage straight up into space, who the fuck’s gonna complain about that? Right, especially when it went into the Sun. If it went into space… it could pose a problem for future- uh, spacecraft… But, into the Sun, that thing is just gonna destroy it, yeah.
Ethan: STRAIGHT into the SUN. Michael: And if anything we’ll… well, we might be slowing down the Sun’s LIFE, by doing that… Hila: Mmhm.
Ethan: By just- by what just adding a couple plastic bags to it? *sigh* Well not a couple plastic bags- actually you could probably calculate what would happen if the Sun weighed two plastic bags MORE… Ethan: *Chuckle* Let’s crunch the numbers on that. Michael: BUT, imagine that over a billion years, we’ve been doing this. And if- Ethan: Yeah I’ve figured- well- if we’re still around in a million years, if we are not in Alpha Centauri by then, then fuck it anyway. Michael: Right, and that’s what I’m thinking about when I talk about progress. I’m talking about the LONG history. Do you see humans going to Alpha Centauri? Do you see us being- becoming like… what did they say? What did Carl say again? or what’s the classification of intergalactic species That settles. Like not just more planets, but more galaxies. It’s a Mass Effect level shit I know that theres a scale that measures a civilization by where it gets its energy Are you getting this from your planet? What percentage of your Suns energy? What percentage of the galaxy’s energy, Ethan: Yeah, so if you guys don’t know about this, I think it like a scale zero means you don’t get your energy from the sun The scale one is which you get all of your energy from the Sun Ethan: The scale 2…?-
Michael:-want to look it up- The scale 2 is someone who like harvest as many Sun’s power?.. Something like that? Ethan: And then the scale 3 is the one that likes.. the whole galaxy?- Michael:-the whole galaxy So.. what do you do with that much power? Well…. exactly we don’t even… we can’t even conceive of why would we need that much but… Ethan: That’s a lot of power Michael: I think that… The key is going to be whether or not it is possible to travel faster than light… Even… Michael: …virtually.. Even by changing space.. Ethan: You can like dupe space… You can like- it’s a space hack essentially Michael: So locally you’re not breaking the speed of light, but you are shrinking space in front of you and expanding it behind Ethan: Space hacks. One hundred and one cool space hacks that will launch you into the next galaxy Michael: If we could do that then sure you can get to other stars in a matter of minutes Ethan: Cause um, well, if you look at a show like Star Trek, what they’re doing, um… They don’t really get in too deep into it I guess they’re just like “Oh, we’re traveling three times the speed of light” That doesn’t even make sense almost- how can you go the speed of light times three? that doesn’t make sense does it? Maybe in Star Trek it does maybe we’re not there yet. They’re way above us Michael: Three times the speed of light still isn’t really fast enough to do much. Light is slow Ethan: That’s the whole thing that people don’t get about Star Trek it’s relative- if you’re traveling at the speed of light you can like do a lap around the galaxy in like- You know, like a month relative to our time.