Feeling Used By People? Watch this to Learn How to Navigate Friendships

Feeling Used By People? Watch this to Learn How to Navigate Friendships


what’s up everybody welcome back to my
channel the best place for youth and parents to learn more about education
and soft skills now something happened recently that was pretty interesting my
wife and I were talking to our daughters and just doing the regular checking in
and how are you doing at school you’re getting longer friends and so on so we
were having this conversation and one of my daughters decide to tell us what was
happening recently at school now what happened was she decided by some of her
friends some marshmallows and then this was several months ago she bought the
marshmallows for about 2 bucks a pop right and it’s pretty cheap and she told
her friends don’t worry about the money just take it right some decided to give
her money back but most of them were just like oh thanks oh I owe you
something right and so recently this group of friends got into a kind of an
argument with one of the other guys in the classroom now this my daughter’s
friends are all girls and they hang out a lot and so the guy that they were
arguing with the scientists so some discord within that group he said to my
daughter and her friends you know what you guys are just using her and he
raised the occasion where they all got free marshmallows off of her and she got
nothing back and so everyone pretty much took it in stride but upon further
conversation my daughter her eye started swelling up and she started crying
and we’re like what’s going on and she’s like you know dad I don’t know
if it’s real or not are my friends using me so
apparently what this guy said really bothered her and she didn’t really want
to tell her to our friends that looks like you know you’re not gonna walk to
your friend say it are you using me like you’re not gonna say that so what my
daughter decided to do was you know just keep it inside of her and if we didn’t
ask her about this it wouldn’t have come up because this problem really is
a problem that applies to all people whether you’re a youth or an adult
you constantly have to navigate complex social relationships so we sat down and
I talked with my daughter and today I want to share with you guys what we
talked about first thing I told her was you know what Cadence you’re using me
and I use you and she was like what do you mean and I’m like okay so for
example you use me every day to drive you to school to take care of you two so
I go out and work and I make money and you leech off of me
you get free clothes you get free shelter you get free heat free lighting
and so you get all this stuff from me so you’re basically
using me and she’s like and then I told her but you know what I’m also using you
I’m using you for your hugs for your love for your kisses for your affection
for your support of me for me coming home and saying dad welcome home what’s
interesting is that I told her that she’s using me and not only for the
present but also for the future so I told her when I’m 70 or 80 when I’m
old and I can’t drive anymore I’ll need to use her to drive me to
places to take care of me to see the doctor to whatever to get me
groceries who knows but essentially what I told her was you know I’m using her and
she’s using me and it’s this type of relationship another way to frame it is
we are a community and we are a community in terms of a family
where I take care of her and she’ll take care of me and there’s reciprocity and
we take care of it basically everyone takes care of each other
and so I told her you can use this same logic for your friends her group of friends
is interesting because you know they all have the identity there it’s still about
a point where they’re saying you’re the smart one you’re the athlete you’re the
defender and so on so they have different labels for one
another you’re still at that phase and so they’re basically telling each other
that they have different parts and different functions within their
community of friends and so we told her there’s really two ways to look at
it one way is that you’re using one another and the other way is that’s just
how friends are you know and so I gave her example so that marshmellow case
right so if you buy a $2 marshmallow for your friend and then your
friend decides to buy you a $5 hamburger back and then
they tell you you know what you bought me a $2 marshmallow I buy you a $5
burger so in the future you owe me a $3 taco or something like
that right so it’s pretty much the mentality of there’s reciprocity and
relationships and friendships but you can’t always just give or
take it and you can’t calculate to the dime and so I was
explaining this to my daughter and she’s like so are these guys my
friends or not and so I told her why don’t you reflect on whether your
friends do stuff for you and she took a moment and she paused as she’s looking
my friends do stuff for me too and so her friend tells her you know what if
you don’t put on lip balm every day of the week for the rest of the week I’m
not gonna invite you to my birthday party and so my daughter is like yeah that’s kind of mean but you know she’s
doing this for me and she’s doing this as a friend and it’s her way of
expressing affection so when I told her to think about this way it really helps
her put things in perspective not everything is calculated by money which
brings me to my next point which is it really depends on the agenda
of the other person that you’re with in terms of evaluating whether their
friends are not some people for example if they have a lot of money and
money’s not really an issue for them they might want to spend more time with
you because you offer something of value to them such as company such as time
such as emotional support or such as some other value that can’t really be
measured in terms of money and so I explained this to my daughter and
explained to her the whole idea of a community of friends really does depend
on what role each person plays within that community
and of course you can’t always give and you can’t always take if you give
too much then you basically become just sacrificing all the time if you’re
taking all the time that’s also bad because everyone will get sick of you
and you’re not contributing to the community so I told her while you can’t
calculate everything down to the dime you got a really
also be mindful of how you balance things which brings me to my next point
is are they really your friends so Wharton’s Adam Grant came up with a book
called Give and Take which discusses the science behind friendships and
reciprocity and giving and taking and so on and one of the things that he
outlined there but I find to be really good is that you know enemies are
predictable you know they’re not out to help you friends are good
because you know they’re on your side acquaintances that are
emotionally neutral are just kinda like whatever they’re not really good or bad
to them but the worst type of relationships to be in is that with
frenemies and frenemies of course is a wordplay combining friends and enemies
and what frenemies does is that because of the unpredictability of these
relationships it causes a lot of stress and eventually becomes pretty toxic for
a person and so what I told my daughter was you really need to evaluate whether
these friends of yours are real friends and if they’re using you if
they’re unpredictable if they’re friends on one day and they’re not friends on
another day and so essentially if you feel used by somebody this is what you
have to figure out whether these people are your friends whether they’re your
enemies whether they’re your frenemies and if you find a situation where a
relationship is getting toxic where the reciprocity isn’t really there where
they’re using you and they’re not really giving you a lot of value then it’s time
to evaluate whether these people are your friends are not one of the problems
of the idea of frenemies is how to even know what this person is a friend of me
or not right and so a very easy way to do that is to talk to that person
directly and communicate with them figure out if this person your
friend and you tell them I don’t like how you treat me this way then they
should be able to reciprocate and tell you why they treat you this way
or you know what’s the reason behind it maybe there was some
misunderstanding or and so on but if you tell them that and they don’t really
respond and they continue doing what they do that person is probably a frenemie
and that’s probably a situation you want to get out of and so I was glad
I had the opportunity to sit down with her and have this heart to heart
conversation and really educate her about whether friends use each other or
what does it even mean to be a friend and so if you like this video please
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comment below about your thoughts take care

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