Do you remember
for Bumping Mics I said I was gonna bring
in some hats for you guys? -Yeah.
-Yeah. Hell yeah. Here’s some. Fuck yeah, dude.
It was so funny. Jeff Ross, Dave Attell. Very limited amount. This is for Christine,
this is for you Dan, I’m sorry. I have shirts, too. Black Lou, you know
I can’t fit that hat. Maybe you guys want
some of these. I have fetal alcohol syndrome, which means that hat
does not fit my head. Dan, if you put it on the- Put it on the last hook.
This will be the best. God dammit, this always
happens to me in my life, and it’s always embarrassing
enough. It is, because
that’s ridiculous. Wow, now I feel horrible. No, now I have to do it in front
of Dave Attell, this sucks. No, it’s good, put it
in the very last one. You’re right. God dammit, it doesn’t even go
to the last one. Did it break open?
Yeah. Your head split open
the last hook? Yeah. Man, Black Lou really got
a kick out of that. That would be- Look, watch, I’ll try to go … snap it.
Jesus, man. Yeah, but if this was Shark
Tank, that would be your thing. “Here’s a proposal-” Yeah. I go “Now, a hat for people
with fetal alcohol syndrome.’ Did you guys watch a lot of TV?
I see you both as more- I did. Sports oriented, like hey, let’s go out
and throw the ball around. No, we didn’t have dads.
I did that, too. Oh. Well, I did that
with my friends, same as you, as I got older. No, when I was a kid,
it was very TV, so I watched a lot of TV shows
that people my age are not that aware of and
Christine knows some of them, she knows those shows
from Nick at Night, she said, but I would watch them
just late night on TV, and that would be anything
from the Honeymooners to Carol Burnett Show
I used to watch a lot. -Really?
-Really? Yeah. With Tim,
what was his name, Tim Conway. Tim Conway. -And Harvey Korman.
-Yeah. I used to watch that show a ton.
Taxi, like- I used to watch Mama’s House. She used to end every show
with a Q&A with the audience. They’d always have like
“I’m from Missouri.” She’d meet her crowd.
It was kind of frightening. The worst was when Tracey Ullman would do the thing
with the crowd at the end and she’d go “Oh, go home,
get out of here, go home.” That stupid voice. “What are you doing? Go home.”
She does 1,000 characters and they’re all an old,
weird, English witch. That was my, you go to school and you can’t wait to get home
to watch some TV, and eat really bad food.
My mom would make me sandwiches. Like in South Park,
I was the fat kid- -Cartman?
-Cartman? Like “Mom, make me a sandwich.” These kids now,
they don’t even need that, because they have the phones, so they can just do it
whenever they wanna do it, but we had to race home. Dude, racing home
from the bus stop, I knew if I got home
at a certain time I could watch two Saved by the Bells,
and two Brady Bunches. You’re absolutely right. Izabella, if you guys got rid of
cable, it wouldn’t matter much. Yeah, really, you watch
everything on Hulu, and Netflix, and stuff. Yeah, and everything’s
on demand. It is a crazy thing
to live through, and every year
I get a new technology that I’m willing to believe in
and give in to. What is it now? I’m trying to think
what next year’s is gonna be. I didn’t believe in … Online payment was a big one
for me, now I’m okay with it. Are you-
I’m not into that either. Yeah, you have a flip phone,
you’re still like- Yeah, I have a flip phone,
I don’t Uber, I don’t do any of that stuff. You don’t Uber?
It’s just all yellow cabs? I don’t. What if you’re on the road
and you need- Then I guess I have to walk,
good man. Like Kwai Chang Caine in Kung Fu,
I’m just walking through the- Good god. No, when I was out in LA,
I was just out there, and I told this to Nikki
Glaser earlier, because we both were out in LA doing shows,
and I took regular cabs. It was really weird to be
the only guy hailing a cab. I was there to solve
the Black Dahlia murder, I’m like
“Take me to Hollywood and Vine.” Don’t you understand? The guy that was behind
the first Superman is linked to this murder, and I can prove that it goes
all way up to the studios. Those guys, those cab drivers- It’s actually significant- Are not our cab drivers.
It’s like a small club. Definitely there’s
some kind of initiation. Really? It’s an Armenian, some kind of
burn a card with a dove feather. Some kind of weird …
Blood in, blood out. Yeah, if you borrowed a cab
driver’s car and showed up,
they’d be like “Did you not do
the walk of fire?” They don’t know any places
outside of their little world. “Take me to
the Melrose Improv.” “Improv?”
They just repeat it in a weird- I’m telling you, I was off, I didn’t do Uber
for a long time, either. I stayed away from that one,
too, and just did cabs. However, once you buy the new
technology, it is way better. It is. It’s significantly better, because you don’t
have to say anything. You get in, and he’s got a map
to where you’re going already. -Let’s play a game.
-Okay. You ready? Let’s try and guess
how many people in this room have ridden on
an electric scooter. I’m gonna say- I’ll be, since it’s my game,
I’ll say right away I have not. You have not?
Okay. I- I’m gonna say you have. Have not. Really? I’m down one. Down one.
You’re up. Electric scooter. I’ve never been on one. -No.
Absolutely not. Well, here’s what happened. Oh. Of all the people in the room,
I thought Jay was not- Yeah, you were waiting for Jay
to be like “Nah, bro,
I’m …” I was in San Diego, and I saw
them lying around all outside, and where I had to go,
I walked it every time, but it was a half mile
or so walk. Then I saw them lying around, they look like
they’re kind of fun. Yes. They do look like
they’re kind of fun. In fact- So I got the whole app,
and loaded it up, and then I got on it,
and I put one foot on it, and pushed the button
to see what kind it does, I’m like “Oh, yeah,
look at that, it goes.” Then I got on it, and it says you’re supposed
to kick a few times, then it will start catching.
I think I was too heavy for it, so I didn’t ever really
caught the motor part. Then I just didn’t want
to be embarrassed and get off it
with like an angry “Stupid thing
doesn’t even work.” So I just foot cranked myself the whole way there
like an idiot. I looked like an asshole.
This Asian kid is just cruising, Tokyo Drifting
through everything. Yeah, probably like
“Move, analog.” I was a fat kid, yeah I’m like
“Hey, I’m sorry everyone.” “I’m too big for it.” Yeah.
“I have to get to Big and Tall before it closes,
I gotta party.” A big and tall scooter. When I was in Spokane,
It was Halloween, so right away
everyone’s costumed up, but they’re all still
on the scooters, so it’s really weird to see. They’re like drunk,
and they’re going no helmets, just dressed up
as The Little Mermaid going right into the bar,
wiping out everywhere. I think that’s cool, I’m sure
these guys have all done it. Electric scooter?
Cory, electric scooter? What am I, I thought I was- Well it’s not in New York
really yet. No, no I know. It won’t. It shouldn’t be. I really hope they don’t. They should do a one two punch
of pot is legal and scooters. Grid lock. What? Holy shit. Grid lock. Scooter grid lock.
All the way, I mean, there will be 1,000
scooter deaths a year if it’s- In New York?
You can’t have it. -In New York? I’m sure, yeah.
-It’s impossible. Oh, dude, when they found out
how to pop the governor off those things and just
take him without using it. -Mm-hmm.
-What about- It is a weird rule that it’s
just like drop it on the street wherever you found it,
who gives a shit? Whatever, we don’t care.
What are we, nerds? We really are designing jobs. I talked to an Uber driver
about this the other day, and Dave Smith used to have
a pretty great joke, but he used it as being
on a desert island. But we always make
all the jokes, we talk about it
on the show a lot, our part in the apocalypse, like what it’s gonna be
when we’re walking dead life, and I think we have to
really start making our way to the Midwest. Really? That’s what I’ve decided,
because what skills do we … Forget all the technology,
we have no technology, we have no electricity, and I feel like we’re in
a pile of web designers, and fucking fashion buyers. Who of us in this room
right here- media market. Is gonna kill, skin, cook,
dice up and cook fucking deer? I couldn’t even
do the process of, I don’t know if I could kill it. Yeah, that’d be real tough. That’s weird, because New York
is known for its chefs, but yet we have
very few hunters. That’s really
gonna be tough here. Yeah, we got Gordon Ramsay
but we got- Yeah, we’re all gatherers.
No hunters. We got so many guys
who know fusion food recipes. I know, that’s great. He goes
“Let me get on the plane, I’ll give you a nice
Asian fusion deer with-” It is funny, as soon as
this shit goes haywire, the people you’re gonna be
right next to are wild Trump supporters. Everybody
who everyone says they hate, you’re gonna wanna buddy up
to that guy real quick, because he knows
how to kill an elk. Those are people
that you called dumb. You’ll be like
“You guys are dumb,” and they’re like
“I know how to farm.” “Well, Hillary
had some good ideas.” I just realized
as a 41-year-old, I lack almost all skill that doesn’t involve technology
to survive. Dave- Did you ever go camping? Real camping, never. -Did you?
-No, I was in Boy Scouts though. -You were?
-Yeah. I was too, but I feel like
we’re all gonna- So follow me.
How many badges? I would say I was somewhere,
I was not really … Remember, this was right
after the Vietnam war, so being in a uniform
was really tough. It was really tough. Did they call you baby killers? I was spat on many of time
coming out of an airport, but it was funny- Dave’s going to
get ice cream … It’s funny, it was more of a get
high in the woods kind of scene, because there was no helicopter
parenting, it was more like “Okay, you guys, you’re out
there, you’re camping, Tang and all that kind of stuff, and making fires
that you don’t need, and just having good times,
you know? You wouldn’t hear from
your parents or contact them
the whole time you were gone because you couldn’t.
There was no way to. Not at all.
If something happened to you at Boy Scout Camp,
which did happen to me, I was hit on the head
with a log, they would have
to send a runner. They would have
to send the fastest … That’s so funny. Skip-
Take this. Run it down to the fire trail. You must run. I’m pretty sure the only
Boy Scout camping trip I went on was a set up for a
couple guys to molest all of us, but I just think
he wasn’t attracted to me. I can only guess that
because we went to, in the middle of the woods,
I mean an abandoned … We all slept
in an abandoned house in the middle of the woods. Did you guys all have- To call it a cabin wasn’t fair. It was a place where crack heads
would sleep if this was in a city.
It was a boarded up weird thing that that they put a fire
in the fireplace. Pretty bad ass. Everyone slept on the floor, it was freezing cold,
like leaves inside. That’s not the Boy Scouts. And I’m tell … Yeah. That’s the caravan.
That was the Blair Witch. Part of the caravan. It was the Blair Witch.
No, I’m telling you, that’s what it felt like,
the whole vibe was very bizarre. You guys just went in
this old house and- Yeah, I swear to you,
something like that. That’s pretty bad ass. -No, it’s not, Dan.
-Wow, that is cool. No it’s not, guys. And freaky.
It’s terrifying. Yeah, it’s terrifying, but
that’s what makes it so cool. You have fans all over the
country, so let me tell you, I was in LA and I had nothing
to do, so I went downtown LA. They have this thing
called the Death Museum. Have you guys heard of this? -No.
-No. It’s pretty cool, it’s got
all of the serial killer stuff in it,
it’s got just weird Polaroids of just weird deaths, and car accidents from the ’60s,
and all this crazy stuff. You know the guys from
the Heaven’s Gate, that cult? Yeah.
Mm-hmm -Oh, yeah.
-They bought the bunk beds, so you can look in at these
dummies in the bunk beds, and even that’s
kind of creepy. That’s so Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame a bit. Yeah, that’s so weird. I said it was kind of a hot
topic for adults, it’s this weird … And they’re all goth people
in there, the goth kids of LA
are in there. I was walking around
this old man, and I was waiting for one
of the goth kids to go like “Do you want to take me home
and do that to me.” Like “Whoa.” Yeah, you just look and you go “I’m just looking
at this skin lamp shade.” You should have sold individual- It was all that kind of stuff. You should have sold
individual- Crazy stuff. Razor blades outside
for all the sad girls. “Here you go, you let some of
that pressure out of your thigh, you’ll feel better.” Here’s-
But the best part- Here’s a Dixie Cup for a drip. They go “Hey, can we get a …”
They have my headshot. They just downloaded it,
and they go “Can you sign this?” I go “You gotta put it up on
the wall like ‘Dead Careers.'” That would be great.
A new wing. Put me right next
to the Toys “R” Us. Jeffrey. Is it very graphic,
the stuff they show Yeah, it was more
than you thought. It’s also, they had
a whole tape of an autopsy, you got to see
from beginning to end. I don’t know
who was sitting there. Then of course
the CG Allen stuff, all that kind of stuff in there. They said they have
another one in New Orleans, which I assume is more spicy. That’s all gator bodies. Oh you want to see
how a gator ate a man? You walk through
a gigantic gator head. Yeah. You gotta walk into the belly
to see all the good shit. It’s all reptile deaths. Yeah, all this is serpentine
related death. Everything in here got killed
or is a lizard. I tell you what, I used to say
that I think I want to see those things,
but I really don’t want to. No, man. It’s too much for me.
Oh, I tell you what, though- Banned From TV, when I was
spending the night at a friend’s house,
he put on the tape Banned From TV, and I remember
the girl getting- The bus, or the train. Hit by the train.
Yeah, that was crazy. I was like “Fuck.” And then there was the one
right after that, and this actually links
into the story we wanted to bring up for Dave, but in Brazil,
there was a hostage situation and the guy took his stuff off,
and tried to act like a hostage, and one of the Federales
knew it was him, and right when he comes through, they just fucking catch him
with a shotgun in the chest. You see it. Yeah, you watch him slowly go
down on his knees and stuff. It’s like
and then he goes down, he’s like It also had a student getting
shot in the chest or something. Yeah, and the guy
fucks up the suicide. Yeah, but there was that one, it was a Philadelphia
politician years ago that killed himself on live TV That’s right, yeah.
But I mean, when you see that- They have that in the museum.
They do have that. Yeah, but the thing is,
I’ve actually almost gotten, almost without even meaning to,
desensitized to so much stuff. The first beheading I watched,
I think a beheading I’d still have
a hard time with, but that first one
that came out, the one that everyone saw. Yeah, that Yahoo put it on. Daniel, I forget his name,
now I feel terrible. Not Daniel Pearl? -Was it?
-Mm-hmm Yeah, Daniel Pearl
was the journalist. Yeah. When they fucking … No, this guy was a contractor
or something, the first one they killed. The video came out,
and it was like “Do not watch.” And I really, it was one of the only things
ever when it was over, I was like “I wish
I didn’t see that.” But then we watched that video,
I felt like a weirdo, we watched the video
of the girl hanging out the window
of the car showing her tits,
then a fucking- Oh, I never saw that. It hits a pole, and I can- Is he beheaded?
I mean, yeah, it’s gone. You can’t see it in the video,
so it’s a little- You can’t see it,
but you can hear it. You can see a like her body is like limp,
and it ends right there. I can watch that now
without grimacing, almost. It’s very weird.
I don’t know- You just watch You get desensitized,
and you don’t mean to, ’cause I’m like
“It’s a horrible thing.” Yeah. Yeah, but later
when you go to sleep, then the images
come into your head, when you lower your filter,
that’s when it will just pop in. When I go into hotel rooms,
I, do you … There it is.
When you go to a- Is she dead? -Yeah.
-Okay. She’s a dead woman. When you go to sleep
in hotel rooms, and we’re in hotel rooms a lot, I think, Dan, you said you’re
all lights off, TV off, right? Yeah, everything’s off. Do you go to bed everything off? It really depends on the room. If it’s a suite, and I’m not
saying that I rate a suite but sometimes you play Vegas, and they give you
that conference room area, that creeps me out
more than when it’s … I always go
“I just need a little room.” I don’t need that extra, where I’m gonna have,
planning Oceans 11. I don’t know
what that is there for, like I’m having a peace treaty. You go “Some of the world
leaders are getting in tomorrow at seven.” I have a meeting with the legion
of doom or something. I went to a hotel with you once
where had you a weird board room
attached. Yeah. I remember that, that was odd. It’s really funny to eat
a Subway sandwich at this gigantic table. Viking dinner. The loneliest boy in the world. You go “Look
at all this sandwich for none of my friends.” But, yeah, no,
if I had that room, then I’d have to keep
a light on or two, just because I want to know
what’s going on. I always keep a light on.
I keep the TV on with no volume. Weird. I keep a light
on by the front door of it. The TV with no volume,
and I watch cartoons, the Family Guy type cartoons
on my computer. What would happen
if you turned off all- All night long? You just need that all night
long just to keep you from- When I fall asleep, eventually
the computer will just, it kind of does that
“Are you still watching this?” Acknowledge it, so I don’t care
when that happens- But the TV stays on. But if I wake up for five,
not even. If I just wake up
and open my eyes and I see that screen like “Continue watching
or leave it off.” I always hit continue watching, and it comes back on,
and I go back to sleep. -Really?
-Yeah. Weird. Christine had to learn
to sleep with … You were a sleep
in the dark person. She had to learn to sleep- Even at home you have
to keep a light on? Not a light.
TV. TV, though. You keep the TV on while you
sleep the entire time at night? It goes off eventually. You know that’s really bad
for you. -I feel like I’m fine.
-Is it? Yeah, they’re saying
for your sleep cycle, they think it’s really bad
to sleep in a room- Well how else am I gonna watch
Hell Raiser Judgment- Well that’s the thing, yeah. I can only watch
horror movies late, and Christine falls asleep,
and for whatever reason, her sleeping presence
is the only thing that will save me
from monsters. You’re very powerful
in your sleep. I’m telling you,
it’s very weird. I would never watch a horror
movie late night on the road. Never in a million years. Yeah, that’s tough.
It wakes me up. I get that fear, sometimes
I walk a little fast getting out of the elevator,
a Club Quarters hotel in San Fran where you stay,
it has windy hallways. That’s terrifying. Something like that
when you get off an- That’s The Shining. It’s just quiet, and empty,
and you’re just walking. All you hear is your footsteps, and your bag swinging,
or whatever, and it’s- And you’re like
“This is haunted, it has to be. Look at this hallway.” It wigs me out.
I get very wigged out. Then the ice machine goes,
and you’re like “What?” But I pissed my pants
and started crying. You’ve switched rooms
because it was haunted. Dude, straight up. Vancouver. I’ve been in a haunted room,
too. Vancouver at Comedy MIX. Do you move?
Did you ask to move? Oh, absolutely. I’ve asked to move During the Comedy MIX,
I don’t know what it was, I was trying to go to bed,
and I was lying there, and it sounded like a pipe
was dripping, then I walked, and then the noise moved,
and it was fucking with me, and I called downstairs,
I was like “Can I move? I’m hearing something,
can I move?” They’re like “Yeah, sure,
of course.” Then I moved rooms
and slept great. Did they tell you
it was haunted? No, I never found that out.
I kind of just ran. I don’t know, I bet you
there’s a lot of people who were into that who would
want to stay in the room ’cause it’s haunted. That’s really weird to me
when people are like “Yeah, no, let’s go to
this haunted house and stay. You pay 600 bucks, some lady got
raped and murdered downstairs.” You’re like “I’m good.” That’s a weird … People travel
around to these sites. Yeah, that’s a weird- Would you take a great deal
on an apartment if a junkie died there? Nope. I’ve actually had
apartments where people did die, and all that kind of stuff,
and they just- Now they have to tell you,
that’s part of it, they have to tell you
the record. Does it matter to you
if it’s someone just died in their bed of old age
or heart attack? That’s fine, that’s fine. You’re okay with that
but a murder you wouldn’t? Yep. Nope. I would rather it be someone
cooler than an old aged person. -Yeah.
-Yeah. If they go “This guy died
getting his dick sucked and doing crack and heroin.” That would be good.
I’d be like “Ooo.” That’s a bad ass. If he’s haunting me,
that guy’s a party. Can I sleep in sunglasses?