Bill Burr Podcast – Cheating Girlfriend

Bill Burr Podcast – Cheating Girlfriend


Here we go, next one. “Hey Bill, I asked for
advice a couple of months ago about a friend of mine whose girlfriend was having a kid and
I was suspicious about whether or not it was his, cause he had gone and gotten checked
twice to see if he could have kids and the doctors said “no”. Well about five months
into the pregnancy she miscarried. Now they are living together and he’s hanging on to
the relationship now through some sort of guilt because of the lost child. It just feels
like my friend got one pulled over on him and I really want to talk to him about it
but I can’t find a good way to do it. Dude, that is a brutal, brutal, brutal, brutal situation.
Those are impossible situations. Jesus Christ, how the fuck would I handle that? I would,
I would say something. You know what, I would. I would definitely say something. But I don’t
know how to do that. What the fuck am I saying. I’m saying “listen, you know I’m friends with
you and we’ve been friends a long time..” This is where you’re buddy knows something
fucked up is coming. “Listen, we’ve been friends a long time, right? Had a lot of good times,
right? You know, you know, you know that I’ve always been there for you and I never tried
to steer you wrong, right? I think your girlfriend is a two-timing #$%^$%.” Yeah, how do you
say that? See that’s a hard one too. That one, that kid you just fucking cried over,
that didn’t get born, I don’t think it was yours anyways. Ah, Jesus dude, this is fucking
brutal, brutal. Jesus, does it work to just say it – she’s a fucking whore. Alright? You
went to two fucking doctors and they said you can’t get pregnant dude, how dumb are
you. Get your head out of her fucking vagina. Leave her. Cry about it for fucking six weeks,
whatever you gotta do. Go join a fucking gym and get on with your fucking life. And start
wearing a condom. Alright? Now I know that team that we saw in the first half is not
the fucking team that I know! And we’ve got another 30 minutes of football and I want
you to get out there and prove to me that you can play, like the way I know you can
play! That’s what you do, you go ahead.. and there we go, took me a minute to work it out.
You go fucking Vince Lombardi. Grab, grab, grab, nobody tackling. She’s a fucking whore.
You gotta go like that, you gotta build up, you gotta start slow. You gotta start slow.
“In all my years looking at relationships I don’t think I have ever, in my life, seen
a woman, so pull the fucking wool of pubes over somebody’s fucking eyes, like I did in
that first half. You know what I saw out there? I saw bullshit! Tell that fucking kid he needs
to make some halftime adjustments, alright? Pull the ripcord, get the fuck out of that.
Jesus.. oogh, oh my God, oh fuck, what time is it? I gotta go, it’s 3:15, I gotta be down
at the fucking place by 4.

100 thoughts on “Bill Burr Podcast – Cheating Girlfriend

  1. Bill, or Allen, or whoever, You really hit it big when you hooked up with this new animator! I didn't think Bill could be any funnier. He was already the 2nd funniest man alive — next to Dave Chappelle. But these are SO much funnier with the animations!!! Please don't stop!!!

  2. Laughed out loud, yelled “oh shit” at the Carrot Top “brutal” part. Got yelled at by my boss which resulted in a lecture about headphones at work. About 10 minutes of lecture for the 3 minute video. Worth it. 👍

  3. It is also possible that she was never pregnant and never had a miscarriage. Women lie about being pregnant for many reasons. They are disgusting creatures.

  4. You guys need to animate the Sheraton hotel story told by the amazing Bill Burr. Its so perfect for animation like this!

  5. DAMN, these clips need to be put together to make a 30 min show. Id watch it so much. A new mini story every 5 mins.

  6. I had to rewind it to actually confirm that it was a HEAD in a WOMAN'S VAGINA!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a great literal metaphor.

  7. Id be honest, id say it the thing with me is this…. i dont hold back i say what needs to be said.. iv had my face beaten in for it. I have been sacked from work and i have lost friends because it… so when i open my mouth everyone who is still in my life knows if i say it then there is enough evidence for me to risk loosing my life over it….

  8. That Jesus Christ, Wiseman Bill, “Virgin” Mary bit was a lil random, but alright. A whole gag because Bill said the words “… Jesus Christ” lol

  9. Just say bro I love you so I have to say something but afterwards if you want me to F off on this issue I will.

  10. Awesome animation man, I just did an animation of Joey Diaz Chris D'elia check them out when you get a chance. P.s subbed

  11. The pause as he is actually speaking and animated as he is looking at the fly that just landed on him is priceless. Perfect!!

  12. LOL @ The 2:00 mark when the "friend" who has been told TWICE that he can't have kids is now told by his buddy to start wearing a condom…..WHY???….He CAN'T have fucking kids!!!! No Need For a Condom in that regard.

  13. Fuck I wish this had caught on! The Monday Morning Podcast deserved a cartoon version just like The Ricky Gervais Show. I remember when Burr mentioned that something like this was either in the works, or a possibility. Not sure if he was referring to this video, but either way this could have been huge!

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