A woman who could crack
your back with her feet. Yes, I’m just gonna say yeah.
Like a rub and tug. Yes.
Yes. But like the madam. Or wack shack if you will. Or one of the ladies eating
something weird on the train. Yes. Yeah it looks like
big pieces of green paper. Or picking her nose. You go Miss, I’m sorry,
are you chewing bark? Dude, an old Asian lady
when they go at their nose too. They go finger, this is hard
to describe, it goes in and they get really up
and they try to like- Reverse dunk? The reverse dunk. Throw it up, I’ll knock it down.
Kaboom. It’s a triple double … Here we go, turn two. They almost get their thumb
up there too like they’re trying
to pull one off the roof. They literally are the Harlem
Globetrotters on nose picking. White
people are the Generals. We’re just like …
jamming it in. Do, do do do. It’s the Bonfire Comedy
Central radio Sirius XM 95. I’m Big Jay Oakerson.
That’s Dan Soder. It’s weapons day. Weapons, karate day
on the Bonfire. It’s weapons
and cookie day, sorry. Weapons
and delicious cookie day. They are delicious cookies. Our guest joining us
in the studio right now. You know him as the co-host of
The Anthony Cumia show on Compound Media
it’s Dave Landau. How you doing? What’s up buddy?
It’s good to see you man. I got weapons and a cookie
just walking in the door. Yeah dude,
welcome to the Bonfire. Thanks for having me. That’s what we do.
We hand out- It’s like a baseball game in
the 80s, nunchucks and cookies. Sure just come in. We try to represent a little
sweet side, a little danger. I like it. I feel dangerous
and sweet. Dan got me a full
blown attack bow staff. That’s nice. Yeah before we broke
for Christmas Break, we’ve had conversations
on the show before about post-apocalyptic weaponry.
What you’d want to use. Jay wanted a bow staff.
I wanted a hatchet. So he got me
an all purpose hatchet, like heavy duty
one before Christmas. That’s nice. [crosstalk 00:01:51] hatchet. That is nice.
That’s attachet. What’s that? It’s an attachet,
attack hatchet. What do you attach it to,
just a lot longer hatchet? Yeah I wish. I’m gonna look for that.
I want to get- It’s got a cool side holster. Oh that’s sweet. So you could really carry it
Walking Dead style. Yeah that’s awesome. Yeah so we went through
all of our weapons and then since he got me
that hatchet, I had to get him
a fucking real deal bow staff. Of course. I mean this is a real,
I think probably- Let Dave fell the weight
of that. I think this is a legit
legal problem. I like that it’s refracting
though. You rarely see
a retractable bow, actually I rarely see
a bow staff. Yeah, outside of a karate dojo. Retractable, even less
if you could imagine. I’m afraid I’m gonna
hurt someone. All right, no I’m not
because I’m a pussy. No, you’re not, come on don’t
say that while holding sith. Aim it directly at Jacob. Aim it at him? Break that man. You just, that. Oh dude. That is riot police gear
right there. And then the bottom comes out
and it’s a whole thing. That’s a double sided … Wow, it’s a double sided one. Like the end of Requiem
for a Dream. You scream ass to ass
when you flick it out too. Yeah, ass to ass. Ass to ass.
Ass to ass. Ass to ass. Ass to ass.
Would you say that’s how you Requiem for a Dream? I feel like if I was using this
I would have been killed already,
just trying to figure it out. Yeah you’d be like bad guys
give me more time. The beauty is once it’s extended
you can spin it in a way, I’ll show you one day
Dave. You and I should train. We can block bullets with … Jay lives in the shadows.
He blocks bullets. It’s a while
different lifestyle. I’m a leader in an underworld.
I mean it doesn’t matter. Are you caught up in the R.
Kelly scandal? Is there a new one? No, I mean just you know
his whole existence. Well they just put
this documentary series out. I missed the show yesterday
and Jay went in on it. The documentary series
is just mind blowing. Like how he paid for a family
to go to Paris so they didn’t
show up in court? I haven’t even gotten to that
in the documentary. As I’m going
through it normally but I watched a lot
of pieces of it over the course
of the weekend. I’m just blown away
by the whole thing. And then realized that I think
I did check out on him because I think when
the whole piss tape came out I was like yeah, he’s just done.
That’s it, he’s gone. That was like 20 years ago,
right? And then he just kept- That was Chapelle Show. Not 20 but it was a while back. I want to say it’s like 2002?
16 years ago. Yeah, I wanna piss on you. It’s pretty early for sure. I wanna poop poop,
I wanna pee pee. That was a great parody. That was so funny. When that whole thing happened I just assumed
he was kinda like done. But he just kept releasing stuff
and paying people off but I didn’t know that. I just was like every time
he’d pop back up- This guy is resilient. I’m like isn’t this guy … But then you kinda assume
look, listen, the retraction is always
the little blurb and the accusation’s
the headline. You know what I mean? So I’m like maybe they figure
out he didn’t do stuff. And he was by the way acquitted
of all charges of child pornography somehow. It’s like 14 counts
he gets acquitted on. Yo, he’s like fucking Al Capone
with kids and piss. I think he’s been brought up
on several more than that. Well he did do one where he got
basically off on a technicality because the family was just gone
on vacation over the trial. So he just paid them off. What a vacation to schedule. But a lot of them
he did that to. Whoops-a-daisy. Oh no we’re going to Florida? We’re supposed to sue
an iconic R&B star. Honey, I’ll tell you what.
I really need this trip. I mean everything bearing
down with the trial. Oh fuck. What’s today? Jenise, what is today? Well these plane tickets
aren’t refundable. Egg on my face
like the piss from his dick. R. Kelly’s
gonna walk Just like our kid
all over the face. I say the most jarring thing
about that video to me was that he took a full
length toilet piss on her. He did, he really … It wasn’t squirts. Oh he gave her a League
of Their Own Tom Hanks’ piss. Before he did it, he should have
come into the picture like jump in like oh, oh, oh.
Ah. Oh thank God, oh thank God. It was almost a Naked Gun
Leslie Nielsen piss really. It was really breathtaking. Is this in the new Airplane? When I’m watching it … Basically this documentary
is just revealing how much of a sick piece
of shit this guy really is. Yeah but in sequence
that I’m watching it now, I started the first episode. Getting into the whole
Aliyah thing, she was 15. Didn’t he have her family
marry her. Well she was 15. I think they said
she got pregnant and he was looking
to marry her. The marriage certificate
said she was 18. He was 27 for sure
at the time. Oh buddy. Is the documentary have
his music in it playing through, just to make it fun? Yeah, when they talk
about the songs. Well I say, this is
the biggest thing to me that I think
you’ll find interesting, but I did bring it up
yesterday. Is just that the lady
who started the Me Too Movement, describes why he’s going
through the cracks so much with things
is every time an allegation came out it’s like lined up
with the release of a song that just changed shit again. Oh I Believe I Can Fly, he was like taking
a dump on a kid’s chest. I swear to you, I think
they said that they use Ignition Remix as a thing. It made everybody forget
and then Step in the Name of Love made everybody
forget again. Oh man, can you believe
this guy fucks kids? This made Black Lou
shake his head yesterday, it made me laugh.
Black Lou shaking his head ’cause I go, she says basically
you know how black people are when it’s a song
that you at the barbecue you want to hear,
at the family reunion or that’s your jam
at the club. Black people just you
don’t want to believe it. You’re like holy shit. Well nobody’s pissing on a kid
right then. You got to drink
the beers first. And I don’t know
your background enough Dave to know but I’ll tell you,
if you’d like to know, that R. Kelly music oddly good
to piss on kids to. I’ll tell you this, it is a very
calming stream-like music, you can relax. It is much like running water
in the sense … I go whoa, whoa, whoa,
I’m a little stopped up, can you guys get some R. Kelly
real quick. I go there we go. Dude is he asleep, is he asleep? He goes, put on R. Kelly,
watch him piss himself. Dude, put his hand in warm water
and put on some R. Kelly. Put it half on a baby. Dude you wanna see him?
He’ll piss his PJ’s. I swear to God
that kid will just leak. Put on R. Kelly,
put his hand in warm water. It’s kinda like Elvis, Elvis … Loved piss. Well he didn’t like piss
but he liked kids, he liked young … He also like karate
that it’s weapons day. Basically the last
five years of his life was just him in Vegas
doing karate. I had no problem with that. I’m on the last five
of my career. Mine hasn’t started yet. Dave I know we just met each
other but watch the talk dude. No I’m serious,
I’m not insulting … I got hooo. Dave you’re new here. I’m gonna cut you some slack …
’cause I liked you off mic. I completely forgot then
I noticed your black belt, my mistake. What you guys can’t see is I’m wearing a karategi
from the waste down. Dan’s gi pants
and just whatever shirt. Dude I wear a wrestling shirt
and karategi pants with patches from various
tournaments I’ve competed in. I did not see them
under the kimono. I didn’t [crosstalk 00:08:49] Ah you’re in full
Samurai gear Dan. Yeah so I’m watching
the Aliyah thing. They say with Aliyah part, they’re talking everyone
around him going hey you’re not fucking
Aliyah are you? He’s like I’m just producing
her guys relax Jesus. But they’re like no seriously
she’s 15 you know you really … and they go, the more you keep
asking the weirder it is. What’s his actual first name? Robert.
Robert. So they go, there’s just some
fucking Chicago cop that works a security detail and goes Robert
I’m not gonna lie to you, if you are having sex with
Aliyah it is highly illegal. I worked murder police north
Chicago for damn near 20 years, if you’re fucking a kid
you gotta tell me about it or they’re gonna rain
down on us bud. Do you know how many times- Speaking of rain down, what was
it you were doing to this girl. Hey what are you doing with the
shower tarp in your hotel room? It is technically
sex acts still. The best thing is how many times
there’s screen shots on the documentary show
that goes Robert Kelly then was brought up on
22 counts of child pornography. I’m like … Did you take a picture
and send it to Bobby? Yes. Hell yeah.
He’s like dude that’s not funny. Dude.
Why would you do that dude. You know if the fucking feds
read that it looks different. It’s the only unfortunate just because
this documentary came out so now everybody
calls him Robert. I know. That’s my problem for the last
20 years of my career. He was always R.
I call him Bobby. I had to ask what it was. Yeah, it’s always R. I know, now he’s Robert Kelly. It’s back to Bobby baby. That’s so hilarious. Got to go back to Bobby. Bobby Kelly. So the Aliyah thing
they’re saying he’s like no you guys are nuts,
stop even asking, it’s stupid. Then they start doing all kinds
of weird things like going on TV a lot together,
dressed in the same thing. But not the same thing
like stylishly the same thing, like they just got off
a plane from Disney World and bought the same merch. So wait they’re all in like
airport shirts? But the same airport shirts? No it was like Mickey Mouse green with part flannel
part regular sweatshirts and shit,
it’s ridiculous looking. Yeah unfortunately
Aliyah got on the wrong flight. It’s so funny when you’re
a pedophile and you dress
like your victim. Oh I know well look at- You go yeah
Mickey Mouse is cool. Or your victimizer,
like look at Cory Feldman who dresses
like Michael Jackson. Dude you’re stepping
into a Cory Feldman hole. We’ve gone deep. I don’t mind.
I’m not knocking the guy. Oh we have.
We are. Destroyed him. He hates us. We are all blocked.
No, we’re blocked. From Feldman?
Yeah. And we’ve fucking stacked
his live concert and started chants
that him all goosed up and he still blocked us. Really? Yeah, but don’t worry.
We found a way around it. We’re gonna buy
a cameo from him. Oh there you go. We’ll buy an apology.
The American way. Sure he’ll do it. Stay tuned. For whenever part 2
comes. Don’t move! Don’t move! Sit down. And watch another episode of the
Bonfire. Sit. Sit. Sit. Down. Sit. No! Packleader. No.