6 SUBTLE habits that are DESTROYING your happiness

6 SUBTLE habits that are DESTROYING your happiness


Everybody wants to know what they can do to
be happier. We crave some combination of lessons, tricks,
inspiration, goals, strategies, life-hacks, pills, or even apps that will help us add
more happiness and wellbeing to our lives. But what if happiness was less about what
we should add and more about what we should subtract? What if the smarter way to find your happiness
is to focus on removing the things that make you unhappy? And the deeper I dive into personal development,
the more I realize that the key to finding happiness is often less, not more. It’s about discovering the things that are
making you miserable and doing your best to eliminate them. And more often than not, those things that
make us miserable are often habits: subtle but powerful patterns that we’ve fallen
into—maybe since childhood—that gnaw away at our happiness, day after day, month after
month, year after year. So here are 6 of the most common habits I’ve
seen that sabotage our happiness and some brief thoughts on how to eliminate them. What’s up, everybody? Tanvir Ahmed here. Welcome back to another video. And if you’re new here, happiness is the
name of the game. Number 1. Worrying about the future and other people’s
opinion of you. Worrying is the mental habit of trying to
solve a problem that either can’t be solved or isn’t really a problem. It’s easy to fall into because it feels
productive, like we’re at least doing something. It prevents the feeling we hate most of all:
helplessness. Worry gives us the illusion of control. But here’s the thing: sometimes we are helpless. Sometimes things are bad, or painful, or terrifying
and there’s nothing we can do about it. Yes, something terrible could happen to you
or people you care about in the future. Yes, some people really, truly, deep-down
don’t like you very much. Worrying about it is denial of reality. It’s a demand that everything be the way
you want it. It’s an attempt to control what is fundamentally
outside your control. It’s expectations gone wild. Sh*t happens. People are jerks. Worrying about it won’t change anything. But it will lead to a lot of anxiety. Work to become more aware of your habit of
worry, then question it: Am I productively solving a genuine problem? What function does my worry really serve? What benefit does it really give me? Learn to accept the pain of what is and what
might be and let go of your habit of worry and all the anxiety it generates. Number 2. Isolating yourself when you’re feeling down. I always think it’s strange that people
say “sorry” when they tear up or cry while opening up. Why would you apologize for feeling and expressing
sadness? I mean, I know the answer. But still, even though I know why, it doesn’t
stop feeling strange to me—that we’re ashamed of our emotions and how we feel and
we try to hide them from others, even the people we’re closest to. Visibly painful emotions like sadness and
fear and frustration help signal to people around us that we’re struggling and could
use some help or support. You don’t need coping strategies when you’re
sad, or discouraged, or feeling lonely, paralyzed, or helpless. What you do need are people. You need support. You need someone to give you a hug and listen
to your story. While we hide our pain and isolate ourselves,
we throw away the most powerful antidepressant known to man—loving support from people
who care. So, while it’s totally natural to hide yourself
away and isolate when you’re in pain or suffering, do the opposite. Reach out. Ask for support. Connect. Number 3. Keeping quiet and “going with the flow”. It’s true that most people dislike conflict. But that is just because most people don’t
know that there’s a good way to do conflict. Most people hesitate to push back and stand
up for ourselves because we’re afraid of being perceived as aggressive, pushy, or rude. So we default to being passive, accepting,
quiet, and generally “going with the flow” (which usually just means being a doormat). But there’s a middle road between being
a passive doormat and being an aggressive (or passive-aggressive) bully: You can be
assertive. Assertiveness means standing up for your own
needs, wants, and values. It means asking for what you want and saying
no to what you don’t want in a way that’s clear, respectful, and honest. And assertiveness is a skill anyone can learn. The road to genuine self-esteem, confidence,
and self-respect is assertiveness. It’s the willingness to align your actions
with your values no matter the circumstance. Number 4. Talking trash to yourself in your head. Everybody has self-talk—that running commentary
that goes on in your head about everything from what shoes to wear and why to what your
boss’ new secretary thinks about your new haircut. It’s our inner narrator who constantly describes
the story of our life as it unfolds. Unfortunately, many of us are not very aware
of our self-talk, and have a very negative and judgmental style of self-talk. Think about it: If you talked to other people
the way you talked to yourself, you’d probably have zero friends, no jobs, and multiple warrants
out for your arrest. The reason we all have such harsh and negative
self-talk is because we were taught as children that being “tough” on yourself was motivating
and the best way to get yourself disciplined and get stuff done. But the truth is, it’s not. Even if you are the kind of person who’s
been reasonably disciplined and successful in your pursuits, it’s probably despite
your negative self-talk, not because of it. So if negative self-talk isn’t motivating,
what function does it serve? Nothing good. But it will function to make you depressed,
anxious, chronically guilty, and eventually hopeless. You’ve had the same self-talk program running
in the background of your operating system since you were 5. Might be time for an update. Number 5. Trying to manage your stress. The biggest lie we’ve all been told about
chronic stress is that you need to get better at managing it. Why is this a lie? Stress management is actually a pretty terrible
solution to the problem of chronic stress because—to point out what should be obvious—you’re
already stressed! Stress management is a Band-Aid. It’s treating the symptoms. Which is fine as a last resort, but it’s
a terrible overall strategy because it distracts us from thinking carefully about the true
cause of our stress, the stressors. The stressor is the thing that causes a stress
response. If you’re constantly stressed, the long-term
solution is to fix the original cause of the stress (the stressor) and not the feeling
(the stress response). Stress isn’t the problem. It’s the constant flood of stressors in
your life that’s making you miserable. There’s nothing objectively wrong with traditional stress management techniques like deep breathing
or mindfulness. The problem is the habit of thinking about
chronic stress only in terms of how we feel—the stress response. In reality, the far more important part of
the equation is the stressors that are causing the stress in the first place. Number 6. Believing your own thoughts unconditionally. What’s so special about your thoughts? Seriously, why do you give so much respect
and authority and meaning to everything that pops into your mind? The idea jumped into your head that your co-worker
thinks you’re lazy… So what? Is the fact that you had a thought about that
idea genuine evidence that it’s true? Does it mean you have social anxiety? Is it just another sign that you have low
self-esteem and need to get in to see a shrink immediately? No. Maybe they do think you’re lazy. But the fact that you had a thought about
it doesn’t make it any more or any less likely. But guess what? If every time thoughts like that pop into
your mind you give them tons of attention, exert lots of mental energy over them, and
read into them all sorts of deep, weighty meaning, you’re teaching you own mind to
throw more of those thoughts at you. Remember: Your thoughts aren’t special. And a lot of them are actively detrimental
if you maintain a habit of always giving them tons of attention and respect. Cultivate a healthy skepticism of your own
thoughts. Learn to let them be. And you’ll be happier for it. So here’s all you need to know. Let go of the habit of worry. Let go of the habit of isolation. Let go of the habit of going with the flow. Let go of the habit of trash-talking yourself. Let go of the habit of stress management. Let go of the habit of engaging all your thoughts. Let go of the habits keeping you unhappy and
you won’t have to worry about finding happiness. Happiness will have found you. That’s it for me, guys. I hope you enjoyed this video. I hope you got something out of it. I hope you liked it. Hit that like button if you did. Subscribble and hit the bell if you haven’t
already. And
I will see you in the next one.

12 thoughts on “6 SUBTLE habits that are DESTROYING your happiness

  1. Your video is really very helpful. I find it very interesting because you make professional videos. and if you have free time, i would be happy if you visit my youtube channel and let me know your comment.

  2. I saw your comment on Ralph’s video. It had 316 likes and I keep seeing that time on the clock. It’s also my birthday so it drew me here 👍

  3. very insightful, I like your perspective on this topic! just a little suggestion, maybe the volume of the background music (while it was at its climax) can be turned down a little? other than the climax part, it's a good volume, we want to focus on your voice 🙂 great work, though!

  4. Great stuff. But like you said, "subtracting instead of adding" subtract the length of the video, and hand movements…perhaps yes the background music a teensy bit as well, and you're on to something man. Ephemeralization=doing more with less. -Buckminster Fuller 1910's-20's era
    Keep it up!

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