6 Steps to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence | Ramona Hacker | TEDxTUM

6 Steps to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence | Ramona Hacker | TEDxTUM


Translator: Như Nguyễn
Reviewer: Carol Wang I want to start with
doing a small survey with you. For that, please put
your hands into your laps and close your eyes. I will now pose a couple of questions to which I would love to have
a very honest answer just by a show of hands. No worries, no one will judge you for it. The first question is, Who of you has thought,
within the past week, about whether or not you are
an emotionally intelligent person? Now that you think of it, would you consider yourself
emotionally intelligent? Please raise your hand if you do so. And who of you has ever worked
consciously on your emotional skill? Thank you for sharing. You can now open your eyes again. And thank you also for being
so very honest with me. Now I also want to be honest with you. Emotional intelligence is not
necessarily my main strength. When I make decisions,
I based them solely on my rationale. If friends from school hear me
do this talk right now, they will be very surprised
because back then, I didn’t even consider emotions
as something crucial. They weren’t logical. I couldn’t explain them very well. So why would I care? I never even actively thought about
the topic until five years ago when I dropped out of a job
because of a burnout. It was then that my very
emotional side was revealed, and while I rarely cried before,
especially not in front of people, I just couldn’t stop the tears
from streaming down my face at the most inconvenient of times anymore. Several times a day, I went to the restroom
just to hide my suffering. And that made very clear to me
that I need to work on this issue. But now, what is it, this mysterious emotional intelligence? When most people think of it, they stop at the term “emotional”. What do you connect to it? I’d say it has a bad connotation, describing a person having
or expressing strong feelings. And this connotation is also then,
therefore, emotional intelligence, a misconception that I had as well. However, it’s crucial to differentiate between emotional and the value
that emotional intelligence can have, because emotional intelligence
is something fundamentally different. It’s the ability to identify and manage
your emotions and those of others, and it’s set to include three skills. First, emotional awareness, so empathy towards others
but also towards the self. Second, the ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks
like problem solving. And third, the ability to manage emotions, which includes regulating
your own emotions but also calming down
or cheering up other people. As you can clearly see by this contrast, very emotional people do not
necessarily or automatically have a high emotional intelligence, because they may only
display their emotions freely without thinking about
or knowing why they have them. And maybe not even considering the appropriateness of showing them
in the respective situation. Now, lacking emotional intelligence
as a kid or teenager meant for me that I would channel things
like loneliness or fear sometimes into aggression. My family background –
well, let’s say – is improvable. So, instead of finding
the support that I’d need, I’d rather get it on the basis
of “Oh, don’t be such a crybaby” than anything else. My parents didn’t teach me
the value of emotions. Therefore, losing friends or breakups would hit me harder than many others because I could neither
fully understand my emotions, nor those of the others. They just didn’t make sense. I thought I’m not supposed
to feel that way, because I’ve never learned
how to deal with emotions. And with time passing, I realised I’m just one of many people
having this issue. Have you ever thought about
why people judge or bully each other, beat kids, or at work, or even in
toxic friendships or relationships? And it can be anything,
ranging from sexism to racism. It’s because of insecurity
due to a lack of emotional intelligence, because it’s hard
to understand the difference between yourself and someone else, And it’s even harder to connect
on an emotional level, to truly comprehend
where someone else is coming from. And in order to change that, we first of all need to consider
emotional intelligence as a crucial skill in our society, and then also take the time
to consciously work on it. Currently, we do neither. And we also don’t give
our kids, for example, the space to learn the skill. Kids nowadays – they are supposed
to be good in school, do sports, play an instrument,
learn a foreign language, and maybe even some additional things. They don’t get the chance
to get to know who they are, connect to themselves,
and to their emotions. And a fundamental part
of being emotionally intelligent means knowing who you are. And for them to learn, we also need to learn it ourselves
to be the role model that they need. Now you might be thinking, “Yeah, sure, but how do we approach this topic –
individually, but also as a society?” And basically it comes down to
what everything comes down to: we need to learn a new skill. So, when you learn a new skill, you first of all need to become aware
of your incompetence in the field. So I got there with my burnout. I’m pretty sure that you
can manage that more easily, and then you work on the skill until you manage it
to the level that you want. And after a while,
you will even be able to apply it without actively thinking about it. Take for example, your driver’s license. After a while you stop thinking, “Oh, I need to put in the next gear” – you just do so. Unconscious competence achieved. Now, the tricky thing, though, is to get from conscious incompetence
to conscious competence. And we do that by learning
the basics of how a car works and by practicing. So in the beginning it may be difficult to steer the wheel at the same time
as putting in the next gear, but after a while, it gets easier. And with emotional intelligence,
it’s basically the same thing. So I tried to compile my experiences and came up with a six-step guide that hopefully helps people
to get more emotionally intelligent. And the first thing
that we need to do is we need to acknowledge our emotions. But not only as such
but as something valuable because that’s what they are. According to research by António Damásio, people whose brain parts that are
responsible for emotions have been damaged found themselves even having
a harder time taking rational decisions. That’s how valuable they are. And the very first small
but simple thing that you can do is you can ask people with genuine interest
how they are feeling. And when you’re asked,
answer with authenticity when you feel good
but also when you feel bad, so no “I’m fine”, but also no complaining. Instead of complaining
about your colleagues, say, “I don’t feel appreciated at work”,
or whatever it comes down to – make it an iMessage. And when people show emotions, tell them that it’s okay to have those. Talk about them. Erase the taboo that I feel exists
in our society of talking about emotions, because that’s more often than not the one thing that keeps us
from making the next step. And the next step is differentiating
and analysing emotions. So sometimes when we talk about
or express a feeling, we substitute the original one
with one that we think we know better or are better at handling. But there are actually
a lot of different emotions and all of them have their functions, and all of them might also need you
to handle them differently. Therefore, it’s important
to get down to the core. And then, you also need to accept
and appreciate all those emotions because emotions are neither good nor bad. They just gain connotation
through society. Take, for example, grieving or sadness. Why do we so desperately
try to cut it out of our lives? Because actually, it’s just
a very beautiful illustration of the appreciation that we have
for someone or something. Now, I approach all three steps by writing my emotions down
in a journal just for that – on need basis, so not necessarily daily
but sometimes only every few weeks, or maybe even only every few months. Friends of mine do similar things
with apps if you want to be more modern. And then there is the next step: reflecting on your emotions
and their origin because sometimes just knowing
why we feel the way you do already helps us handle the feeling. Again, for me covered
when I write them down because it gives me time
to actively think about them. And then you get to
handling your emotions, because that’s what
it’s all about, isn’t it? And as that, reflecting might
already suffice. But it might not. And you may still need to find your way
on how to handle your emotions. Because there’s more than
one way to skin a cat, and I can only give you
a few examples of what I did. And what helped me, if not handle the emotion
but at least find out how to handle it , was writing it down because it put distance
between me and my emotions. There has even been a study conducted on the positive effects
of written expression of emotions, by Pennebaker and Smyth, and they published it in their book
“Opening Up by Writing It Down”, if you want to check it out. Because that’s actually
another thing that I do: I read on the topic. Currently, I’m reading “The Language of Emotions”,
by Karla McLaren. Literally any book
by Brené Brown is good to go, but there are so many more. And I talk to friends. I ask them, How do you
approach this situation? How do you approach
that topic or this emotion? And then, it’s more or less
a trial-and-error principle. Sometimes it may be sports, sometimes it may be meditation. It’s just important
that you find your individual way. And then, handling the emotions of others. And I’d say as soon as
you master your emotions, but also in the process
of getting better at it, you will find it easier and easier to also handle the emotions of others because you have
a different understanding. And understanding
and awareness are the keys. It gets even easier because you can simply ask
the other person how you can support them because they might know. Or, you can also ask them
how they can support themselves, because that way you know
only help them in the acute situation but you actually help them
develop their emotional intelligence. And then, when we have a few people
being emotionally intelligent, we also need to think about
“How can we teach our next generation?” And as a society, I feel the most
important thing that we need to do is implement emotional education in school. Teach children about the different
emotions and their functions. Give them a space
to openly talk about them so that they can
acknowledge their emotions. Help them to accept and appreciate them. To be honest, it’s not that difficult. Most of the things that I mention can be easily put
into practice in schools. I mean, how many books
have you read in school? Why not make some of them
about emotional intelligence? Or make kids work
on case studies together so that they can exchange their ideas
on how to approach topics. And if we’re lucky, they get out of school having learned
this fundamental and crucial skill of emotional intelligence. Imagine the world
that we would be living in. If every one of us
was emotionally intelligent, what do you think would change? Being emotionally intelligent means knowing and understanding yourself. Thus, it helps you make better decisions. It would spare us from
emotional suffering because we know where it comes from and we know how to handle it – and maybe not even impose it upon others. It would help us deal
with interpersonal relationships because we also connect
on a different level. And interpersonal relationships
are everywhere. Just think about it. What would it mean to have
an emotionally intelligent boss? Or what would it mean to have
an emotionally intelligent parent? If we were all emotionally intelligent, how would we approach differences? Or how would we approach topics
like mental health? Or how would we approach conflicts? Just imagine the world
that we would be living in – a world full of mutual understanding, acceptance, tolerance and connection – a truly inclusive world. How awesome would that be? Thank you. (Applause)

100 thoughts on “6 Steps to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence | Ramona Hacker | TEDxTUM

  1. So if it takes you forty years to start to get to conscious incompetence how long to get to unconscious competence? Like the people in Plato's cave, it takes some of us some hard learning just to get to the first step. To know our unknowns we have to be aware of them, and for that, we have to get past all the habit and prejudice that we unconsciously and instinctively relly on. Thanks for the presentation.

  2. One of the best TED Videos that I have watched Recently. Really good tips. And I completely agree that we need to teach our next generation about emotional intelligence.

  3. "Master your emotions" thats a good one.
    I have nevee tried to work on my emotional intelligence but i have always tried to keep a cool head whenever things get too off hand. But yes i myself must admit miss so much due to my awkwardness and distrust of others. Its a start

  4. Great talk, I'm pioneering academic wellness for postgrads and am foregrounding emotional intelligence as a core component of personal growth and success 💯 Excited to see what these graduates will do in the future! 🤗

  5. I absolutely agree about teaching kids about emotions. I couldn't spot jealousy in a relative for more than two decades and it changed the course of my life for the worse.

  6. Watched this video more than 10 times. Great efforts! Truely inspiring for a person who is lack of emotional intelligence. And being a teacher I can understand how this subject will be beneficial for children and it must be implemented in schools curriculum. 😇👍

  7. We have a short video on Emotional Intelligence. If you'd like to see it select our logo and watch it on our channel page.

  8. I wish to have emotions again, since about 6 months now I have almost no emotions, is like if you were dead, like if don't have a soul, it feels terrible, I prefer to feel sad or fear, it's better to feel pain but feeling alive again than having no pain, and feeling dead while your "alive" God bless emotions that are canalized on a good way.

  9. So the emotion "LOVE" is still a great mystery.
    I am just saying, she didn't care to mention in her charts.

  10. I would like to more information about emotional intelligence test and calculation of individual emotional intelligence

  11. I've never seen someone talk about this topic with such honesty, this video clarifies what we need to do to get peace in the world 👏👏🙌
    Sorry if there is any mistake

  12. I liked a chart of emotions that you presented along with your speech. Yes school is the place where students must learn how to handle emotions. CEO of some school/company will then understand feeling of his staff members without being bias. I mean any boss and employee, Parents, Siblings (&children), friends, countries – whole world will become so friendly and compassionate towards each other. Thank you 🙂

  13. Being aware of what you are actually feeling at any given moment is also a part of emotional intelligence. if you are struggling with overwhelming emotions, like you are experiencing panic attacks, or dealing with anxiety, eLifeGuru can help to break loop of emotional struggles

  14. Absolutely thanks-a-bunch from Me(Gaurav) to as well as for all-of-the entirely honorable speakers including current one too sharing there times,life experiences from beginning days,times of life to living life as responsible person in ongoing times,days..Live freely,talk openly,enjoy truly,eat fully,pray happily,work safely giving soul towards same,pray happily,love closely towards family,country by current honorable speaker and all-of-other speakers present,coming-up here makes all-of-you.. as worthy unlimited for receiving praise,shine from life and Glory,grace unlimited from Almighty.. too currently,always..Hopeful, trustworthy unlimited with love & delight that people will start by curre living by standing equally for each other too when needed,desired to make life of oneself,all a fulfilling experience in apt,worthy manner keeping-away entirely all depressing thoughts from each other's mind after receiving,hearing facts-of-life originally from all-of-the honorable speakers here including current one too who r living,learning,enjoying,experiencing as well as talking,sharing them too freely,frankly..Hats-off unlimited to all-of-the honorable unlimited speakers including current one too for all-of-the same…OK with regards unlimited….

  15. It's all just a mumble. Those are things that people know. It's all general knowledge. Nothing new. Or maybe I just don't get it. I'm surprised but it's the most boring Ted Talk I have ever watched.

  16. Became intrigued by your beauty… Became enthralled & mesmerized by your words! Thank you, beautiful Ramona, Ariel from Orlando, FL.

  17. I currently help people learn how to become emotionally intelligent considering it basically sets you free from the control your emotions have over you. People go through incredible and positive changes once they have mastered their emotions fully. Wonderful Talk!

  18. I do struggle with a bit of low EQ, but I am not emotionless. My problem is though is that today's society leans on the extreme side of emotions where everything is politically correct. Even anti SJWs can get offended over such small things. So I struggle on who to take seriously with their emotions as well.

  19. Spirituality enhances Emotion Intelligence: People who reach enlightment are highly emotional intelligent, they can manage their thought, their emotions and they can grasp emotions of others. If your soul attains bliss a person reaches higher levels of Emotional Intelligence. By praying sincerely to GOD Almighty and humble yourself before him he may grant you this gift of Bliss. As a Muslim I know what I am talking about because we call Bliss SAKINA (The feeling of calmness, tenderness, immense love, compassion that comes with the favors of GOD when he touches a soul with that wonderful feeling)

  20. People are emotionally unintelligent because they are basically clones and zombies for a paycheck and lack true meaning in their life. It’s cool to be “emotionless” in American society. Unhealthy.

  21. i know that the person who ditched me was my loved one. But i cant resist emotions towards him. can anyone help..

  22. a powerful speech, i virtually took note for every single word and placed myself in a position of different emotions. its a really good start for me

  23. you should read running on empty childhood emotional neglect. C.E.N is why we have such a lack of emotional intelligence .

  24. Wait. Emotional awareness is putting a cap on how you really feel. "I'm upset because my boss talks to me terribly" equals "I dont feel appreciated". I don't understand. What I gathering so for is being pissed off is not an emotion that isn't respected.

  25. A very delicate subject. Great talk there. Hopefully humanity will learn to know itself. This has to happen individually. Without fail and without exception.

  26. Emotional intelligence is not about how to control your emotions or suppress it. It is about how to deal with negatives intelligently. Or not to react with a unpleasant way.

  27. People can just take the sides of this which suit them. Doesn't matter for me, howevermuch I read, howevermuch I watched. There's apparently nothing I gained from them – I gained a hella lot./
    So, rather than intelligence in terms of emotions, it sounds like people don't think you have a blank slate at the start of each conversation. I can only work to understand others by understanding how people would tell me stuffs. Cool, they can be more self-aware and rewarding. I have a habit, and maybe that's a lot of self-awareness already.

  28. Emotional intelligence : In my opinion how much we understand other people if we can understand other people feelings that means we understand all others joy, misery, happiness, so the problem is that how we treat them we must have to be serious about it, and also controlled ourselves and treat as very common sense of humor and mindful never been done that we are different from them in any condition. that's the only way to treatment.

  29. A contradiction in terms…Intelligence can be used to control directivity in emotively charged events but they are absolutely separate states.

  30. OMG… Didn't see that coming. A talk on emotions 100% focused on empathy.
    If you can't tell I'm being sarcastic.

  31. Madam, I am impressed with your coolness and calmness and the sweet voice tone. Your tone is such that for days anyone will listen to you. You are beautiful also. Thank you Madam. Keep doing such powerful presentation.

  32. Feelings… Whoa whoa whoa feelings… trouble is they change. So I would not worry too much about them other than to try and do a deep dive into “why?” Why do I feel this way? Once you figure that out you can think a little more clearly.

  33. Unfortunately, the corrupt schools of today would take advantage of this "learning about emotions" to push their leftist politics and lgbt perversions on children even more. Tolerance and inclusiveness are not a positive attributes as an end point, because they put someone else in control of your mind using all sorts of peer pressure and intimidation. Morality and discernment are positive attributes as an end point, because they teach you what is right and what is wrong, the most important emotionally intelligent capacity you can ever have, that makes you the master of your own mind.

  34. when I know more abt HSP, I dun believe in the intention of EQ, EQ measurement is not sth good. it creates inequality.

  35. Its Easy for Dolnald Casper the friendly ghost to pretend to be your friend when he got some crumbs to pass out.

  36. What a waste this video is. Question: "How are you?", reply "I dont feel appreciated at work." Thats just narcissistic. Nobody feels appreciated at work for sometime or from time to time. Dont be a baby. They probably want a straight forward answer from you to move to the next thing.

  37. am I the only one who feels bad of people who are sexiest and racists and I just want to give them a hug and say you're not bad… when everyone around them is just disgusted at them.. at how awful of a person they are… like they're some irredeemable monster… but I feel that they're really sad… and have suffered a lot.. before being like this…

  38. I don't think "emotional intelligence" is the best way to describe this skill. Maybe "emotional awareness skills" or "emotional self-actualization" would be better terms for it? Because it's more about people recognizing and clarifying their own thought processes rather than a rote accumulation and exposition of knowledge.

  39. Can somebody provide me of a practical example about those 6 steps cuz I am so pissed off of her not doing so see? I can’t control my emotions jk

  40. #1: Acknowledge Emotions
    #2: Differentiate and Analyze Emotions
    #3: Accept and Appreciate Emotions
    #4: Reflect on your Emotions and Their Origin
    #5: Handle your Emotions
    #6: Handle the Emotions of Others

  41. 1. Acknowledge emotions as something valuable, express and talk about them erase the taboo
    2. Differentiate and analyse the emotion
    3. Accept and appreciate those emotions write down your emotions
    -Reflect on your emotions and how to handle them
    -Handle your emotions
    -Write down your emotions to put distance between you and your emotions
    -Talk to your friends to see how they handle their emotions
    -Learn how to handle the emotions of others
    -Ask them how they help them selves with their emotions and how you can help them with their emotions
    -Educate the next generation to accept and appreciate and express their emotions on case studies

  42. I do believe taught in schools when they may not get this at home when maybe parents don't know how to deal with emotions how do we get this started in our educational system

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